Guruji Speaks - Cow-wards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Mentally-fully disciples of Guruji,

Guruji has placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Gopal asks - Guruji, I have spent my entire adult life serving the political party whose ideology I believe in. But now the party has selected an ignorant, idiotic imbecile as its nominee for our upper house of parliament whose only qualification is that he is a page three celebrity. Should I now continue to work for or quit the party ?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is surprising that after serving a political party this long also your brain still is in a  normal state that you are able to ask this reasonable question. Guruji’s advice to you is to not get demotivated because in politics, “If your mama ask you to call someone papa, do so; even if that is a limp dick llama in the city zoo”

[Q] Seema asks - Guruji, why is it that we - the urban middle class in our part of the world - are in this constant trap of repaying some or other loans throughout our lives? Isn’t there an end to this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Seema, the said class is the laziest creatures alive on this planet currently and this Loan-liness is how mother nature ensures that you all are kept occupied throughout your life. Don’t worry, you will get moksha from this when you kick the bucket, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, in our culture, a cow that gives us milk and is also the economic backbone of many a rural family is symbolically considered equivalent to a mother and is worth worshipping. But some antisocial elements think this is primitive thinking and are spreading all sorts of propaganda against it. Isn’t the cow worth worshiping as a mother ?

[A] Guruji - Indeed my son! The cow is equivalent to your mother for several reasons, Guruji will mention few of them here for the knowledge of our ignorant naysayers on this matter. A cow is equivalent to your mother in all respects because,

• The cow painstakingly carried you in her womb for 10 months, slept seldom while you kicked her from inside all corners in your attempt to come out and fight for her motherly cow rights
• The cow underwent the pain of a lifetime that evening when she gave birth to you who came out screening “Thank you, Holy Cow!”
• The cow had set aside her career aspirations, personal interests, hobbies all to bring you up, hoping one day you will become a mighty cow-ward and kill those who eat beef
• The cow kept herself awake for many consecutive nights sitting at your bedside when you were running such high fever that you started seeing chicken as your cousins and goats as your aunts
• The cow had literally begged, pleaded, sacrificing her self esteem as a righteous individual when the college throw you out for misconduct, to take you back so that you can go on to become a world renowned cow-boy in future
• It is the cow that spent sleepless nights worrying about your wellbeing when your company sent you to remote hostile countries to work under cow slaughterers
• The cow awaited months together for your arrival on vacation and prepared your favorite amrakhand from pure cow milk ignoring her arthritis and shoulder pain

There are many other such reasons as well my son for treating the cow like your mother, on which Guruji can enlighten you on another occasion. Hence my children, Guruji urges all his disciples not to trivialize cow-hood and consider them equivalent to your mother hereafter.

 [Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I am sick of hearing this men vs women jokes all the time in my social circles. At times I feel this is widening the gap between the genders. Will it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, mother nature has brought us up as men and women so that we can crack jokes at each other's expense. Don’t worry, gender jokes are not going to cause the extinction of your species; provided the jokes are of the right quality, right audience and cracked at the right situation.

Children, Guruji got to take leave now as he has to conduct a few special secret poojas for his openly atheist, but closely theist comrades. He shall meet you someplace next month unless they sacrifice him to the atheist gods by then.

Guruji Speaks - Birth Control

Ladies, Gentlemen and Patriots,

Guruji has arrived on the dais to converse with you all. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Rohini asks - Guruji, if a society that suffered from racial abuse for a very long time unleash racial attack on other equally suffering people, what does it indicate ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Rohini, it just proves that anthropologists classified us homo sapiens too early, we are not there yet in the journey of evolution.

[Q] Judy asks - Guruji, in my faith,  they tell us that we should not do artificial birth control as it is against the will of god. Are they right?

[A] Guruji - Dear Judy, uncontrolled production of anything is against all laws of nature and will create imbalances socially, economically, environmentally, mentally. God cannot change that as he does not exist in a form capable of doing so. Also, there is no such thing as natural birth control possible for us humans because no human birth is natural, it’s all artificial - man made.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, Capitalism or Socialism. Which is good ?

[A] Guruji - Son, both are equally good.

[Q] Ram asks - But Guruji, how can two opposite social theories be correct at the same time ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Capitalism is good for the capitalists, socialism is good for socialists and both are equally good for socialites.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, my question was, which is good for the society in general?

[A] Guruji - Son, they are a transnational financial corporation. So Guruji reckon they are on the capitalist side.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you are evading from answering me. Out of those two, which is good for you and me is my question.

[A] Guruji -  You and me are irrelevant here my son, we just have to slog, procreate, again slog and die like street cats.

[Q] Raj asks - Guruji, I would like to change my lifestyle and start leading a life that is more closer to nature. Where should I start ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this indeed is a good move by you, to live a life more closer to nature and thus more meaningful. We rishis have been living natural life for thousands of years. As a first step, stop shaving, brushing and taking bath, you will start looking(and smelling) more natural.

[Q] Vikramjit asks - Guruji, In spite of being nation of a billion people, why we don't excel in sports much ?

[A] Guruji - Son, the reason is our malnutrition.

[Q] Vikramjit asks - Guruji, are you saying that our youngsters are more malnourished than those coming from sub-saharan Africa?

[A] Guruji - No my son, he is only saying that you have a sports ministry that is malnourished.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he has to go miles before he find a garbage bin in his town to jump into and reincarnate as a street cat. He will meet you same time next month, unless of course he got arrested for being an anti national street cat by then.

Guruji Speaks - Ignorance

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, isn’t it wrong for religious shrines to impose entry restrictions on women ?

[A] Guruji - No dear, not at all. Religious doctrines are imposed for a reason and you must respect that. If the gods decide that women are not welcome inside the sanctums, they should not forcibly go there and invite the wrath of the gods. 

[Q] Meena asks - ..but Guruji, these are not restrictions imposed by gods, instead by religious leaders and the clergy..

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, they are THE only gods, at least in such places, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, we humans I understand were originally herbivores. Shouldn’t it be better for us to go back to that then ?

[A] Guruji - Son, we were originally cave dwellers and fibling-suckers too you must know. In the process of evolution, mother nature had stopped breastfeeding us early(she had to deliver one of us every 10 months you see) and trained us to hunt and eat every now and then so that our survival is ensured. So continue that way is Guruji’s advice to you all, unless of course you want to go back to the caves and start..well, you got what he is saying, don’t you.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, they say “scientia potentia est” or Knowledge Is Power. In that case we should be having knowledgeable people leading the society always. Isn’t this proverb wrong then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, This is absolutely wrong, knowledge will not lead you anywhere. Guruji’s centuries long study shows the opposite, that - “Ignorance Is Power”.

[Q] Lata asks - Your Holiness, how could this be possible, can you please elaborate that ?

[A] Guruji - Dear, one must know that,

• Ignorance of voters get politicians elected
• Ignorance of consumers make businesses flourish
• Ignorance of citizens make bureaucracy rule 
• Ignorance of devotees make religions grow
• Ignorance of farmers make merchants prosper
• Ignorance of followers make political parties win elections
• Ignorance of viewers make news channels popular
• Ignorance of fans make Bollywood stars

[Q] Miss X asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about government rewarding citizens annually with civilian awards?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss X, it is absolutely wrong for a government to treat it's citizens differently and reward some while ignoring others. A government should be like a mother to all it’s citizens and a mother feeding her kids according to their intellectual abilities is incorrect.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in that case isn’t it wrong for some of you spiritual gurus to accept these awards ?

[A] Guruji - Of course not my son, we spiritual gurus don't consider the government our mother but a mere bed partner.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, your answers lately make me feel that you are an absolute moron with no cognisance, common sense or respect for traditions and values. Am I right?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, followers get the spiritual leader they deserve

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave and take a leak, he will meet you same place, same time next month; unless an ATC error takes him to the heavens by then.

Guruji Speaks - Asstrology

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors!

Guruji has been in deep meditation for many decades to acquire advanced knowledge in astrology. He has been enlightened by the heavens on many dimensions of astrology hitherto unknown to humanity that he will now practice for the betterment of society and it will be called “Asstrology” hereafter. In today’s special darshan, Guruji will provide asstrological advice to you all on your personal and professional problems. Do keep the following vital information ready - the subject’s date and time of birth, birth-place, mother’s maiden name and credit card details and start your questions.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, how does one’s mother’s maiden name and credit card details influence her/his future?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, there are many facets of cosmic influences on human life that Guruji has discovered and developed in Asstrology. With these two factors an enlightened one like Guruji can give a lot of insight into a person’s life, unlike the birth date-time that can only help predicting their age. Especially a lot of insight can be made into her bank account with that information and hence they are vital to predict one's future as well.

[Q] Sudhakar asks - Guruji, my son was born on 8th of January, 1990 around 6.30 PM in Chennai. Can you please tell me when should he marry, what kind of a girl should we look for him ?

[A] Guruji - Son Saudagar, your son’s birth chart shows Ketu in 1st house, Mangala in 5th house and more importantly the 3rd house has a college going girl he is after. This is not at all a suitable time for him to get married as Shukra is in the 7th house, in the form of the currently minor girl’s kickboxer brother. Hence Guruji advises him to wait for a planetary alignment such that Shukra moves out of 7th house.

[Q] Mr.X asks - Guruji, I am a popular film actor in my part of the world, I have been asked by the government to be the brand ambassador of the country’s tourism initiatives. Is it a good time to pick this up?

[A] Guruji - Son X, Guruji analysed your horoscope, you have Ketu in 11th house, Rahu in 5th house, and a relatively crowded 6th house with nearly every other planet in the solar system which means you are going through astrologically dirty waters currently. Also brand ambassadorship is a double edged closet, means it can spill your own filth on to you if things go wrong. Guruji advises you to advise your government to stop running behind movie actors as a one stop solution to all its publicity needs.

[Q] Mr. Y asks - Your Holiness, you have special powers to help the needy and poor brand ambassadors I understand. I am a famous sports personality in my part of the world and take up brand ambassadorship for virtually anything that comes my way and got into trouble recently when I was portrayed as a godly avatar of branding. Have I done anything wrong?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing wrong in being a brand ambassador god as gods themselves are nobody but brand ambassadors of their respective cults. In other words, brand ambassadors are to brands as gods are to religions - mute mascots. So continue to do your ambassadorial karma and pocket the millions while your stars are shining. Keep your lawyers and political friends happy, things will be fine, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, a comedian recently got arrested for mimicking a spiritual leader. In the wake of this, what is your advice to comedians ?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, cannibalism is not suitable for primate species, hence Guruji urges comedians and clowns to stop mimicking each other to make a living.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now as the space scientists in his part of the world are waiting outside to seek his aastrological advice before launching their new satellite. He will meet you soon, unless he gets arrested for mimicking primatel expressions and thereby hurting the feelings of apeophiles.

Guruji Speaks - Again

Ladies, Gentlemen and their leaders,

Guruji’s asshram is happy to announce you that his holiness has found some time to converse with you all again. His holy bottom is placed on the dias, you may now raise your doubts, grievances and concerns.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, you were not giving darshan for a very long time. Were you on a long pilgrimage or a long maun-vrat?

[A] Guruji - None my son! With the arrival of welfare state in his part of the world, he was busy executing the executive and execution powers that his spiritual bottom was vested with by the government.

[Q] Ram asks - Then Guruji, why have you decided to descend from the throne to talk to us now?

[A] Guruji - Things now stand changed my son; With some eternally conceived sons of a lady with canine bloodline in the media brought up this issue that fake degrees cannot be considered degrees any more and his holiness who was in possession of few  had to surrender his executive powers until the government amend the present law(lessness) such that any degree, including their primate-pedigree should be considered valid and valuable if it is bestowed on a V.I.P. In the meanwhile, Guruji decided to sit back, relax and spend his free time enlightening his disciples.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, It is said that wheels are man’s greatest invention and has changed the course of human life. Can you explain?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is true and for multiple reasons. One was that invention of wheels made man realize the power of rotational motion, a knowledge that was hitherto common sense and was known only to women and children. Also by inventing wheels, man realized that many things can be “invented” and inventions can keep him away from being asked to go out and hunt in the super-market. Also once wheels were invented, man had to invent many more things to place his bottom on it and keep it running steady - such as engines, air-bags, cup-holders etc. In summary, the invention of wheels dramatically changed man’s life until mid 20th century, by when TV remote was invented.

[Q] Smita asks - Guruji, you are an immortal who has seen many many yugas of human life. Recently an eminent personality claimed that aircraft were operational from around 7000 years in his part of the world. Can you confirm whether this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Affirmative dear, in fact some of those 7000 year old crafts are still operational in those parts of the world, they call it the “national carrier” (“Push-Pack Vimaan” in Sanskrit). In fact the cabin crew hired around the same time are still manning, womaning them as well !

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, if spiritual gurus have real spiritual powers, why do you all run charitable hospitals, can’t you just faith heal people?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, in spite of having your eyes and ears connected to a decently functioning brain, it is unfortunate that people ask such incongruous questions. Nevertheless, Guruji will explain the rationale behind the above mentioned irrationality once again. Spirituality, one must know that has three aspects - 1) Social 2) Economic and 3) Facial Hair.  Socially, it is the karma of a spiritual guru to keep his critics at bay(Of Pigs), which is achieved when he make people say “At least he is doing that for the poor”. Secondly, one attains economic equilibrium when he is able to convert all his “black” to “white” tax free, for which the ideal channel is charity.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, then what about the third factor you mentioned ? How does that impact..

[A] Guruji - Son Max, again another hair-brained question ! you must stop eating broiler chicken Guruji would advise. That was to evoke your sense of humour dude / mate / bro(or whatever is the latest salutation running in the market), a spiritual guru ought to crack PJs to en-kindle his disciples one must know.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, what according to your holiness is the single biggest “game-changer” technology invention of 21st century ?

[A] Guruji -  That is the selfie-stick dear.

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to part with you all for now, as he has many heads of states waiting outside for his blessings and selfies with his holy bottom. He shall converse with you all same time, same place, next week - unless of course his fake degrees are de-faked through an amendment in the law by then.

Guruji Speaks - Gender equality

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is back from a long and enduring mission to save and rehabilitate a set of unfortunate souls that fell into the clutches of the evil and were becoming a threat to the existence of humanity itself; ladies and gentlemen, here he is, back from the IPL owner’s meeting. His holiness will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Neha asks - Guruji, most men are ready to spend hours washing and cleaning their cars and motorcycles but not ready to wash even a tablespoon or saucer at home. Why men behave in such an irrational fashion ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, one must understand that separation of duties between men and women is an important adaptation given by nature for survival and it should not be interpreted as irrational behaviour of one gender or other. In the beginning of humanity(by which he mean immediately after the humanity got married and moved into their new apartments), women were to keep the family tree growing by ensuring a hygienic environment for the offspring to grow up and thus developed the habit of cleaning their prehistoric pots, pottery and potty rooms all the time. Men(such as the prehistoric neighbourhood uncles and boys) on the other hand were to be fully equipped to set out on a hunt any time and were to keep their stones and sticks groomed all the time. Since humanity happen to go through the metal ages thereafter, instead of grooming stones and sticks or pottery, modern men and women groom their more equivalent metallic equipment, that is all.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your holiness, while in most other species males are more beautiful compared to females - say roosters and peacocks have their beautiful feathers, lions have manes, male elephants have their big,long..

[Guruji’s blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this is a spiritual forum..

[Q] Juhi asks - I was to say tusks. Why is it that in humans it is the other way, i.e females considered beautiful and not males ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, beautiful physical appearance is again an adaptation given to males of many species by mother nature to attract mates(Well, by being a female herself, she might have had other reasons too). Such an adaptation is not required for a human male because he can hardly win a mate by having a mane or colourful feathers. He may maximum become a pop star with such an adaptation.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you always ask us to stay positive and think positive. But is this possible? Say scientists are telling us that we have this ever looming threat of large celestial objects hitting our planet anytime, killing all of us. In such a scenario, how is it possible for one to think positive?

[A] Guruji - Son Ram, it definitely is possible to think positive no matter how adverse your conditions are if you think about the positive side of that condition. Say in the above mentioned situation, isn't it positive enough to think that if a meteor hit our heads, we no more have to watch Bollywood movies ?

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, what is the one thing that differentiate us humans from other creatures? Is it our ability to think ?

[A] Guruji - No son, it is a misconception that we can think better than other species. Every creature has its own levels of thinking abilities. What makes us different is our ability to behave irrationally. No other creature has  this capability, they can only behave the way they are expected to.

Ok children, time for Guruji to part with you for now as he has to go on a long pilgrimage, before he become another victim of domestic cleanliness on this otherwise nice and sunny Saturday morning.

Guruji Speaks - Mothers Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Power-runners,

Guruji has arrived on the stage, he will now address our questions, queries and concerns,

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, I think this salutation of “spiritual leader” is a bit confusing, as it is not very clear what "spirits" are we talking about, whether as in bhoot or alcohol or even simple “sportsman spirit” like that of Ass-aaram Bapus? Can’t we have a better term to address  spiritual leaders?

[A] Guruji - Son, we are spiritual in all of the above dimensions you mentioned. However Guruji agree that it is high time we get a more "sexier" title, especially with the kind of interest we have on that topic, plus our increasing influence the corporate world. May be we can be called Chief Religious Officers or simply CROS hereafter.

[Q] Inder asks - Your Holiness, in my part of the world people prefer jaywalking on busy roads risking their life even if there is a zebra crossing or a traffic signal in the next 50 meters. Is it a problem of discipline or social upbringing ?

[A] Guruji - Son, with the kind of values and culture richness existing in your part of the world , Guruji will not attribute this behavior to social upbringing and discipline. Instead he will blame Mother Nature because she clearly hasn't done a good job of evolution in your part of the world it looks like and people still have few of the primate traits left in them that they are yet to learn that a two ton metal thing moving at 70 KMPH can turn their bottoms into bananas.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your Holiness,  scientists say “Men and women are chemically wired to think, do things differently”. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Dear Juhi, Guruji won't agree with that view, if it was “..chemically weird..”, he would have.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, why do people donate luxury articles like gold ornaments, cash etc to gods? Are the god really that flamboyant in their lifestyle that they enjoy these extravagant offerings and shower blessing on those who donate them?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, it is wrong to attribute  flamboyancy to gods firstly because it amounts to blasphemy and secondly because in reality they are poor people struggling to substantiate their own existence in the cosmos in fact. However the donations are vital to the sustenance of faith and religion, especially because the earthly apostles of heavens such as priests, godmen, cult leaders etc would have to lead an exemplary heavenly life to motivate us humans to live to earn it.

[Q]  Max asks - Guruji, of late, especially during this parliament election, we are seeing unprecedented levels of active involvement of religious leaders, spiritual gurus who take sides and send out messages of hatred, partisan-ism etc. Where do you think it will  all lead us to ?

[A] Guruji - This will all lead us to ultimately believe that they are right and we are wrong. 

[Q]  Miss D asks - Guruji, can you recommend me some mother's day gift ideas ?

[A] Guruji - Dear D, Guruji would like to remind you that this is a spiritual advisory forum and not one of your bogus, urban neo-middle class lifestyle websites. Go wash the vessels for her for few days instead is Guruji’s advice to you.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he is starting on a pilgrimage to the mountains, to pray for the countries that are going to be under the clutches of power-hungry, ruthless politicos in future. 

Guruji Speaks; Honestly

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji’s holy bottom has been placed on the dais, all of you have his seasons greetings for this mudslinging season, pray get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, is it true that Akshaya Tritiya is a day auspicious for buying gold? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Max, it indeed is the most auspicious day to buy jewelry. As per lunar calendar, it is the Tithi of Shukla Paksha in the month of Vaishakha or Baisakha or Boishakh depending on what you are chewing while saying it. In the past it was observed as a good day to start new ventures. In fact Veda Vyasa selected this day to start writing Mahabharata. But in modern India, the day has a slightly different significance. It is the day found suitable to trick people into buying their old stock at higher price by Smartass MallU Gold-merchants LEague or SMUGLE. Also there is a proposal by expert astrologers like Guruji to make every lunar day as Akshaya Tritiya for two reasons 1) Avoid stampede at jewelries 2) We are employed by the said league. Guruji has also done a Prashna and has come up with other auspicious days to buy chicken breasts, undergarments etc as well, for details you may contact his Ashram.

[Q]  Ruchi asks - Guruji, many people add “frankly speaking”, “honestly speaking” etc at times during their conversations. Does that mean they weren't all that frank or honest about whatever they said till then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, frankly speaking, you are right. Most people aren't that frank or honest about everything they say or do, which is why we are where we are today.

[Q] Miss R asks - Guruji, I have a male colleague who had been a very good friend all this while. But recently he proposed to me which I politely rejected. Now he is behind me pressing for a reason why I don’t want to marry him. I cannot disclose that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a moody mama-boy who is a cricket-stricken couch potato dork with a Bollywood item-girl as his desktop wallpaper. How do I politely put it across so that it doesn't hurt him, yet convey my decision clearly ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss R, this is a question Guruji gets very often, except that the desktop preferences change from person to person, and he recon he had answered it earlier as well. A straight rejection will lead a man to dejection, so you must never do that. Instead, you should indirectly put your point across very politely and respectfully so that he understands you. Here is what you can say - “Jackie, I’m not sure what to say, I'm so touched by you considering me for being your life partner! But deep down in my heart I feel that if I have any such high ambitions of causing the mutation of humanity from it’s current anthropological state, I would prefer marrying a rhesus monkey”. He will get your point, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, why do the government insists that bars and liquor outlets be closed during elections and national days ? Isn't it basic human rights violation by denying one his right to drink?

[A] Guruji - Son, a temporary ban on liquor is not human rights violation, instead the government is helping you to stock enough stuff beforehand so that you avoid last minute rush. And since you can never measure what “enough stuff” means when comes to spirits and spiritually, you would naturally stock excess not to take chances. Thus, statistically, any closure imposed on spirit shops drastically improves the overall weekly sales, which means better customer satisfaction, more taxes and ultimately better infrastructure, better standard of living for the society etc. Guruji is sure you will not attribute a good measure like that to human rights violation hereafter.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, my husband is such a lazy bum...

[Guruji's blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this forum is strictly for Guruji's disciples, no outsiders - such as his family members - are allowed here..

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to set out on a critical mission, to ensure that peace and international harmony prevails in his drawing room. He will be back here with you same time next week, unless he gets run over by a speeding shopping cart or caught in a stampede at the vegetables section of the grocery store during his mission.

Guruji Speaks - Candidates

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is here to converse with you. All of you have his summer blessings, do get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the logic behind most political parties fielding film actresses in elections ? Are they the best people to lead our nation?

[A] Guruji - Son, you have raised a very important question here. Because, in the history of English language, this is the first time someone is using the word 'logic' alongside actresses and political parties in the same sentence, and for the same reason Guruji or any other scholar cannot answer it either. However to help you, Guruji's ashram has got in touch with all the said actresses and got their responses directly. Here are the top 5 answers they got. Please note that the names of respondents are not disclosed here and that is not to protect their identities but because you already know them and repetition creates boredom.

[ Actress-candidate 1 ]: "I thought this will be a good opportunity for me to serve the society, especially the womanhood, by exhibiting my great collection of sarees and sandals to them."

[ Actress-candidate 2 ]: "I was trapped into it in fact. When they said campaign, I thought it was a new ad campaign for UV protection glasses, realized only very late that I was a candidate too."

[ Actress-candidate 3 ]: "They said it will help improving my acting skills."

[ Actress-candidate 4 ]: "I wanted to get tanned."

[ Actress-candidate 5 ]: "You think 1, 2, 3 and 4  got something that I don't have? If they are in it, I'm in it too."

Guruji hope that answers your question.

[Q] Miss L asks - Guruji, is it necessary that one has to be a vegetarian to lead a truly spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss L, Guruji had mentioned this on many occasions earlier too, it is not what you eat but how you earn it is important. If you are a strict vegetarian, yet earn your food by tricking others - i.e by being a thief, a thug, an astrologer, a Bollywood script writer, a political son-in-law, a godman etc, you are no spiritual than a capuchin monkey. Hence Guruji's advice to you is to eat what you like, but make sure you obey traffic rules, pay your taxes, take bath, don't generally screw around and you will be more spiritual than any spiritually vegetarian capuchin monkeys.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, what is a Free Market Economy ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Free Market Economy or FME is a market mechanism built on the “Buy 1 get 1 Free” principle. The crux of it is that it gives consumers the freedom to choose - between walking away and falling into the vendor’s trap that is. Today, other variants of FME have also found adoption in many of the world’s leading economies such as Switzerland, Luxembourg and Reliance-retail. Some of them are - ”Buy 3 get 3 Free, “Buy 2 kilos of chicken and get a baboon brain absolutely Free etc.

[Q] Mr.Sharma asks - Guruji, I have an office job. I don’t have any opportunity to engage in physical activities and this is resulting in substantial weight gain. Can you advise some good yoga techniques to loss weight quickly ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly, as Guruji always pointed out, yoga is not a one stop solution for all your urban upper-class problems. Now about weight control, there are two aspects to it. One is dietary restrictions and the other is physical exercises. For dietary control, employ a cook who has experience with airline caterers or Indian railways, you will rarely feel the urge to eat if at all. Coming to exercises, it is a good practice to walk around in the office occasionally, hence shift to the farthest corner from the reception, you sure will be forced to take an occasional stroll around the floor, especially with that newly appointed, living NY-fashion week adorning the reception. You have Guruji’s blessings.

Children, it’s time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all for the time being, he will meet you right here, same time next week, unless a front-office policy change force him to stay put in office longer.

Guruji Speaks - Transparency

Ladies, Gentlemen and Transgentles,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your queries. Please keep your questions short, he has very less time today as he has to a give special darshan to a premier cricket league's stakeholders that include(but not limited to) gambling-goons, tax-evading-tycoons, bear-hugging-brand-ambassadors, choliless-cheerleaders etc in another part of the world later in the day.

[Q] Smitha asks -  Gurudev, do you think we have the right candidates in the fray for national leadership this time around ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, yes, with Heaven’s grace, we do have the right candidates running for the country’s leadership this time. Now if we need anybody better, we have to import a few Venom-spitting Cobras from Africa.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, the IPL season is starting. what is your advisory for the teams?

[A] Guruji - Ram, in the past IPL has gone through many sticky wicket situations, resulting in gaining bad name for the game. Hence this time around Guruji advises all stakeholders to remember one thing to have it all clean - TRANSPARENCY. His advice to the corporate co-owners is to have transparency in their financial dealings so that it’s easy for the tax agencies, police to jail them with enough evidences. His advice to team members is to have transparency in their gestures and actions so that the bookies get it all correct. And last but not the least, his advice for the Bollywood heroines and cheerleaders involved is to be transparent too - in their outfits - for better spectator satisfaction.

[Q] Anand asks - Guruji, can you suggest a good motto for my country?

[A] Guruji - Son, here it is - “Anything usable will be misused”

[Q] Miss K asks - Guruji, I hear that you have a yoga technique for every situation. My problem is that I live in a community where unusual levels of public flatulence resulting in a stinking environment. Do you have any yoga techniques to recommend for people with this problem?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss K, it is a misunderstanding that yoga is a one stop solution for all your problems - unless you are a yoga guru making a living out of it that is. In your case, no amount of yoga can resolve the said problem, just plaster the mouths of your national news anchors and party spokespersons, the stink will subside.

[Q] Jay asks - Guruji, often we see political leaders running for national leadership across the world having their motto “Vote for change.  Vote me”. I wonder what they will do next time around ?

[A] Guruji - Son, next time they can combine it into a single sentence “Vote for changing me”

Ok children, please allow Guruji to take leave now, he will meet you at same place, same time next week, unless he get auctioned in the sports market by then.

Guruji Speaks - Affairs

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political horse traders,

In spite of a very busy schedule with parliamentary candidates queuing up to seek his support and blessings, Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his time for you. Do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, will you get involved in resolving marital problems too?

[A] Guruji - Son, since marital affairs are mostly material affairs, Guruji usually don’t get involved. However at times he do get involved in resolving marital problems, but it depends on the nature of the problem, especially it's sex appeal.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I'm a candidate for the forthcoming parliamentary elections. Opinion polls show that I have only a 50-50 chance to win. What will be a good yagam/yagya that I can do to improve my chances?

[A] Guruji - Son, Gandhiji-aayana yagam will be good for you. To perform this special yagya, you must first distribute as much Gandhiji (picture) imprinted artifacts as possible among your voters, but on one condition - that those artifacts are of such value that your voters will have no  hesitation to sell their souls to you in return. Also you must ensure that for every such distributed Gandhiji-artifact, you send an equal number to your spiritual guru's - in this case Guruji's - ashram as well, to get full returns for your investme...he mean prayers and chanting.

[Q] Anonymous asks - ..Guruji, for last Gandhi-jayanti we have made a bunch of plastic lockets imprinted with Gandhiji's picture for distribution among school kids but couldn't do so. Will they do?

[A] Guruji - Son, with this gem of an un-evolved primate brain, your are already overqualified to be a parliamentarian. Nevertheless,  Guruji would like to remind you that such an exercise will be as wasteful as trying to brush your teeth with your own intestinal waste. No voter - even the ones who are so wretched that they have to choose you - will ever trade their souls for a 10 Rupee locket. So, do as Guruji has advised, you have his blessings.

[Q] Urmila asks - Your Holiness, I followed your advice and started loving and helping my neighbours. It all went well till now, but now none of them are ready to own the fatherhood of my newborn baby. Please help me.

[A] Guruji - Dear Urmila, he cannot help you here for two reasons - firstly because Guruji is a spiritual leader and is enlightened enough to be creative without running the risk of procreation. Secondly he was never your neighbour.

[Q] Deepa asks - Guruji, political parties are mudslinging each other so badly that I cannot make out who is good, who is bad. So I’m not able to take a firm decision whom to vote in this election. Can you please advise?

[A] Guruji - Dear Deepa, hundreds of young devotees like you are asking this question to Guruji every day. However being a spiritual Guru, he cannot take up sides and recommend you one party over another here, as for him all are equal - in terms of their donations to the ashram that is. However, make sure that you vote for a candidate who seek vote based on caste/religion, as only they can lead us to 22nd century(B.C he mean).

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as the political aspirants bee-lining at his backyard are creating a law and order situation and he got to give them darshan, otherwise they will bee-sting his back. He will meet you at same place, same time next week unless he gets elected to the heavens by then.

Guruji Speaks - Astrology

Ladies, gentlemen and lawmakers-come-breakers,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your doubts and concerns. Please note that this is election season and many candidates would want Guruji to predict their future. We have setup a new direct channel (not to mention exclusively) for them at the ashram where you could directly know your political fortune from Guruji’s parrot.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, none of you astrologers could predict the recent disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines plane, nor could you predict where it can be found. Isn’t it just proof that astrology is a fraud?

[A] Guruji - Son, blaming astrology for missing aircraft is like blaming Shahrukh Khan for your lemur-looks. Here you should be blaming airline authorities who neither employ nor consult us astrologers before their planes take-off. Had this been done, they would have averted this and many other disasters, especially if they had better planes and pilots. People must know that we astrologers cannot predict anything and everything for free, which will make our future highly unpredictable.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, the earth is becoming hotter and hotter year after year. Is it human activities causing this as some people claim? Do you think this will lead us to our end one day and if so by when will that happen?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, you are right. The earth is becoming hotter, as proven by the air-conditioner sales numbers and Bollywood item numbers released year after year. This is partially due to human activities like  industrial pollution, cattle flatulence and election speeches. However, mother nature also plays her role in this, though she is doing this for a much nobler cause - to smoke humans out of here so that the rest of the life forms on this planet get their fair share too. Guruji however will not mention the exact date by when we will meet our end here, as it will make people panic and anarchy will prevail , aam-aadmi will rule if he does so.

[Q] John asks - Guruji, why is that anything healthy is not tasty and vice versa for us humans while every other creature can relish on what they like, yet don’t die of heart attacks? Is it because there is no god there and some bad-a$$ sadist created us humans?

[A] Guruji - John son, it is not fair to blame the heavens for your wife’s poor cooking skills in the first place. You may blame it for her lack of common sense in choosing the right life-partner though. On the face of it, healthy food may taste bad, but if you add a bit of mayonnaise or barbecue sauce over it, the taste will improve, do try. So the secret of having healthy-yet-tasty food is not in it’s ingredients, but in the toppings we must realize.

[Q] Ruchi asks - Guruji, you had been giving us darshan on every weekend, now we see that most of the weekends you are not doing so and you are giving darshans on randomly chosen week days. Why is this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, Guruji gives darshan to his disciples when their souls are in dire need of him. These days most of his disciples who are urban rich (who call themselves middle-class due to their pseudo-humility) spend their weekends mall-hopping during which they keep their souls in Lucifer’s cloakroom and are in no need of Guruji. Weekdays on the other hand they are frustrated with work pressure, traffic tussles and prime time news and are badly in need of Guruji's sermons. Hence the changed darshan timings.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave as he has many potential lawmakers knocking his ashram doors for darshan and are creating lawlessness in his yard in that process. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless his parrot demands a vacation and Guruji has to fill-in for him during the election season.

Guruji Speaks - Karma

Ladies, gentlemen and the estates of the realm,

Guruji is back, (without a vengeance though) after a long and holy mission(of which he will disclose more below), he will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Mr. M asks -  Guruji, I am a Bollywood film maker who recently got into trouble by naming a movie after some mythological figures that earned me the wrath of religious groups and courts. I’m now making my next movie and is planning to name it “Vastraksheep” as that is the central theme of the movie (In fact for most of my successful movies this is the main theme). Do you foresee any issues with that name, if so what is a suitable alternate name you can suggest me?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly you did the right thing by approaching Guruji before proceeding any further with this title which would have got you into trouble. Guruji must tell you that people(not to mention innocent and pious) can come to watch this movie of yours with an expectation that it is related to Vastrakshepas(disrobing) that happened in puranas and ultimately get their religious sentiments hurt/dribbled out. They would have then taken you to court who definitely will stand by people and not by logic. Guruji did some numerological calculations and came up with an auspicious alternate title which is both safe and contextually aligned to your story. He advises you to title your movie “Choli Ke Peeche Kya Hai” . Your name my son will go down in history as the director of CKPKH, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Kamla asks - Guruji, you mentioned somewhere that every creature has a right to exist in this world and has its own karma associated. I think this is wrong, for example what is a mosquito's karma?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamla, mosquito is a creature with a multitude of karma associated, touching all our lives in many ways, be it business, entertainment or sports. It sustains the multi-crore repellent industry, was the single reason behind Hollywood blockbusters like Jurassic Park. Also, have you ever thought why Indians are excelling in badminton lately? It’s because we are getting our kids trained from childhood on Chinese made mosquito bats. So dear, there is a defined karma for every living organism.

[Q] Jai asks - Guruji, more women are found smoking in urban India these days. I think it is against our culture, values and tradition. Isn’t it so?

[A] Guruji - Son, you are absolutely right, these women are damaging our values and culture. Especially if they are not throwing the butts(of the cigarette he mean, not theirs as you innocent disciples might think) to the street and causing at least a minor fire after every smoke, they indeed are doing something that is absolutely against our culture and values. To keep up with our traditions, they should instead chew “paan” and spit it on the walls.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, why do women look better than they are in real life in their social networking profile photos while men look worse than they are in the same ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is mainly because of two reasons - Firstly, women are biologically wired to know when to make up and how, while men are also wired to do the same, but weird enough not to do so. Secondly, you are looking at those pictures through a man’s perception, hence feels so. Wear a pair of female eyeballs and see, your observation may reverse.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, you were not in the ashram for a while and haven’t given us darshan for many weeks. Were you on some pilgrimage or on a holy mission?

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, he was not in the ashram and his travel mainly was a holy mission, but can also be said to be a pilgrimage as it was for a noble cause. He was on a mission to capture and neutralize a disciple of his who turned hostile and published a book on her days at the ashram. As a true spiritual leader and protector of our traditions and values, it was Guruji’s karma to track her and the copies her book down before it overtook Kamasutra in sales.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave you all. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless more dissident disciples start publishing books.

Guruji Speaks - Harassment

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cricket Board Governors,

Guruji is here with you, giving you a special darshan on a Monday as he will be a travelling on all weekends during the rest of his life and may not be able to converse with you all anymore on weekends.

[Q] Yogesh asks - Guruji, Valentine's day is coming up. What is the best way to celebrate it?

[A] Guruji - Son, Valentines day is a day to express your love, compassion and warmth to your dear and near. However Guruji would remind you that blindly following Western culture is not the right way to celebrate an occasion like this. Instead one must use it as an opportunity to demonstrate his love and warmth towards our culture and values too. Hence Guruji’s advice to you is to celebrate it responsibly by vandalising shops, attacking people and running rampages through the city as the true son of a..traditional and value-rich mother.

[Q] Inder asks - Guruji, I hails from a small(in terms of outlook, not size) island nation. We are soon going for our general elections to elect a president. Our choice is between electing someone with white beard or  black beard, who should we choose?

[A] Guruji - Son, beard traditionally is an indication of three things - 1) wisdom  2) lunatism or 3) hormonal imbalance if it is a woman. In your case since we are talking about national leadership, Guruji assumes that the first one can be ruled out as a criteria. Third one is a physical, curable thing and can be ignored as well. That leaves you with the second aspect which most of the time is the single factor we humans must consider when selecting another human - be it as a life-partner, president or car driver. Guruji advises your country to weigh the candidates on this aspect and choose the right one accordingly. However his personal advice to you as a disciple is to - Get the heaven out of that country at the earliest, because if we have to choose national leadership based on beard color,  that place sure is going to be doomed.

[Q] Mr.G asks - Guruji, we have appointed an Indian born person as the CEO of our global technology company recently. We had been struggling to keep up with our competition for a while, do you see this appointment will help us beat our competition?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son, your new CEO has mentioned that he learned teamwork from Cricket. Guruji assure that you can bet on him.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I am a disciple of yours and has been a successful Bollywood heroine for few years now. But lately younger girls are getting more attention and because of this I am suffering from some sort of anxiety syndrome for a while and is constantly worried about my future. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Anonymous dear, there is no reason for you to panic here, one must be prepared to take success and failure equally to lead a fruitful life. Moreover, Guruji foresee that you have a long and successful career ahead and opportunities will come your way in many forms - such as nappies, milk powders, noodles, baby soaps, toothpicks etc. Endorse them and success will follow you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I recently completed my studies and started working . A co-worker tells me that if any of my male colleagues comment on my clothing or appearance, it amounts to sexual harassment and I must bring it to the notice of authorities. But I feel she is wrong and its a bit too harsh to take it that way. Am I right or she is right?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, both of you are right and both of you are wrong too. In behavioural science, when someone compliments you for your belongings, it usually indicates their desire to have the same thing. Hence if the compliment from a male colleague is on your outer clothing such as “Hey this yellow trouser of yours is superb! where did you buy it” etc , you can safely exclude it from sexual harassment as he is a harmless cross-dresser who desire to have the same clothing(btw, same is the reason why books like “7 Habits of Highly Successful Yet Moronic People” get sold like hot cakes). However if the comment is on you appearance, such as “Hey that T-shirt of yours looks tight, someone can get hurt with those sharp edges, watch out” etc, his intentions and thoughts sure are evil and it amounts to harassment.

Alright children, time for Guruji to leave as he has a darshan coming up with his carpentry contractor and has to mentally and physically prepare for the same.

Guruji Speaks - Social Networking

Ladies, Gentlemen and Twitterati,

His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj has arrived on the (equally long) darshan-dais and will hear your grievances now. Do get started.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am a 24 year old business executive who is heavily into social networking from my college days. But my current girlfriend suspects that I do this mainly to woo other girls and she wants me to unfriend all my female social network friends, else she will 'expose' me. Isn't it unethical for ones own girlfriend to expose him? What should I do now?

[A] Guruji -  Son, it indeed is unethical for any current girlfriends to expose a man in front of his future ones, especially if there are things about him that when 'exposed' can look mean to those futures. In that case you must unfriend, unfollow and whatever other social un-networking you can do to your current and start following, friending and fuc..

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Your Holiness, we are into spirituality!

[A] Guruji - [..shaant ho ja Editor Bete, we still are]..fuchting your future ones.

[Q] Anonymous and Guruji’s Blog Editor jointly asks - Guruji, what does “fuchting” mean?

[A] Guruji - It is a term used in social networking to indicate one’s intense desire to get networked with a certain other person.

[Q] Anonymous asks  - Guruji, I have been in the social networking world even before my parents were born,  but I never heard such a word before?

[A] Guruji - Guruji would like to ask you since when have you heard the word “social networking world” itself anyway. You sure are born before your parents, but must remember that Guruji sees future, so stop worrying about the word and start practicing it, the word will find its way in, Guruji assure you.

[Q] Sooraj asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about Aam-aadmi party?

[A] Guruji - Son, a true spiritual guru ought to stay away from politicking, partying and similar material subjects unless it give him material pleasures and hence Guruji won’t comment on this topic. However, he would like to remind you that Aams are seasonal fruits, and artificially ripened ones sold in the city markets are toxic too.

[Q] Laxmi asks - Guruji, I hear that airlines and aviation authorities all over the world are planning to lift the ban on using mobile phones in-flight. Will it have any adverse impact on air travelers?

[A] Guruji - No dear, it will not, provided you take the right safety measures. Guruji’s ashram has started supplying wearable spiritual ornaments such as his Blessed De-demonizer earplugs which will protect air passengers by casting out mobile-daemons or mombies that may attack them taking advantage of this policy change. Mombies  by the way are evil spirits that are loudspeakers permanently plugged into cellphones and have the power to trade your soul by sitting next to you in public places and passenger carriers.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I’m a 30 year old computer software professional, now on the lookout for a suitable bride. I am looking for one who is “traditional, but with a modern outlook”. Where should I start my search?

[A] Guruji - At Hindustan Motors - an Ambassador with power-steering will suite your definition.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to leave, as he has a special darshan to give to scientists from a space research organization who are seeking his advice on the next suitable muhurta they can send taxpayers money to the moon. He will meet you same time, same place again unless Lady-fate has other plans for him.

Guruji Speaks - Forgiveness

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors,

Guruji had been on mission to recover and rehabilitate a large number of destitutes who were kept at a distance by the mainstream society for a long time for their lack of grey matter content in brain. Guruji’s efforts has been focused on giving them a new life by empowering them to acquire some human skills that will enable them to lead normal life. Here he is for you, just returned from his mission to the Big Boss House. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Miss.K asks - Guruji, I started my career with a leading advertising company six months back. A senior male colleague often tries to take undue advantage of me by purposely patting on my shoulders or cheeks on the pretext of appreciating my work. I hate him and often think of taking revenge on him by some or other means. How should I deal with this situation ?

[A] Guruji - Dear K, as Guruji mentioned in this forum multiple times, hatred and vengeance are no solution to any problems. One must practice forgiveness and remission because only by forgiving that you can educate such sinners to become better human beings. Guruji would advise you to pardon your colleague for his misdeeds and next time when this happens, you must also pat him back on his cheeks instead as a truly good-hearted person. Make sure that your patting goes at a rate of 4000 newtons force that he needs a couple of molar replacements but. He will behave well thereafter with your this display of forbearance Guruji assure you.

[Q] Uma asks - Guruji, it’s been a very long time since we humans originated and by now we have somewhat mastered the art of procreation, mate selection tactics and stuff like that. Yet a lot of research reports come out every year with something even our primate forefathers new such as “Study proves women find armpit smelling men less attractive", "Survey shows men prefer women with bigger boo..”

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Sorry to intervene.. this is a spiritual forum..”

[Q] Uma - I was to say boot-heels. Guruji, my question is - why people are still interested in such researches ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Uma, there is nothing wrong in such researches. Say we humans have been eating chicken for thousands of years now, both raw and cooked. Yet when a new fried-chicken restaurant opens, you throng there, though it still will be the same old chicken in a new packet. And none of these restaurants have gone out of business for the reason that chicken is tasting the same from pre-historic times. Because flesh businesses always has a market, then,now and in future.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in your opinion, will the Aam Aadmi party victory in Delhi have far reaching impacts in the Indian political spectrum?

[A] Guruji - There is a short answer and a long answer to this question. The short answer is “Yes” and the long answer is “No”.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness, I am taking up a pilgrimage to all the major religious shrines in the country. What are the most important things one should carry along while on such a pilgrimage that can make the journey more fruitful ?

[A] Guruji - Garbage bags.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, I recently visited a religious shrine in South India where they insisted I take off my shirt before entering the premises. The same place also doesn’t allow women wearing jeans to enter as well. Why such barbaric rules and regulations still prevail in our society ?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must realize that every religious ritual has it’s own symbolism associated and you must not take it in it’s literal sense. For example, when you light a candle or lamp in a shrine, you are symbolically burning the bottoms of all evil spirits around you such as rakshasas, yakshis, reality-show producers etc. The ritual of removing your shirt symbolically reminds you of the importance of humility in one’s life. Because, only when you come across such pre-historic practices will you realize that we humans have not all that evolved from primates. That realization - that you still are a monkey with a smartphone  - will help you stay humble in life.

[Q] Karthik asks - Guruji, I am a university student, I was forced by my parents to study science while I wasn’t interested in that subject. I want to be a movie actor like my celluloid heroes and wants to work towards that. Under these circumstances, I’m sure going to be a dropout from college soon. Can you please predict what will be my future?

[A] Guruji - Son, under these circumstances no prediction is possible on your future, as predicting something thats not going to be there is impossible.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, should I feel happy about receiving an automated “New Year Greetings”? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Yes, you should feel good about it because if you are reading it that implies you are not brain-dead unlike the sender.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I was a leading editor-in-chief and a political think-tank of my country till recently when I was caught and put in jail for misbehaving with women. I repent it now and would like to come out as a good human being. What is your advice for me ?

[A] Guruji - Son Think-tank, start using your brain instead of your sperm-tank to think, you will do better in life.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, he will converse with you sometime in future, though he cannot commit when as he is taking up a long journey in search of truth, of which he knows nothing right now when/where will it end, as he is going to the transport department office to have his driving license renewed - without paying bribe.

Guruji Speaks - Mobility

Ladies, Gentlemen and national media,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, pray get started with your queries.

[Q] Mr. X asks - Guruji, I will be  retiring from service soon. What kind of a neighbourhood I should choose to spend my retirement life, also what are some of the yoga techniques that I can practice that will keep me mentally and physically fit in my retirement life?

[A] Guruji - Son X, a happy retirement life depends on many facts, an important one being an un-retired spouse and the population density of the neighborhood you choose to live - density of womanhood in that neighbourhood he mean. On yoga techniques, a retiree must choose one that is easy to practice and relaxing. Guruji's patented 'samachar-kriya' can be very effective. To practice this yoga technique, place a chair in your veranda facing an open, airy space such as a road. Take a newspaper and holding it as a shield, move your eyes and neck briskly so that you can observe what’s called in urban male lingo as 'colour movements' around you. Continue this kriya every day, your retirement life will become more relaxing and exciting. However as with any other yoga techniques,  practicing this kriya for a long time can cause damages to body parts, especially when the neighborhood’s brotherhood comes to know about it. Hence do not practice the same kriya continuously, instead periodically switch to other spiritual methods such as meditation and bar-hopping.

[Q] Shikha asks - Your Holiness, I am a graduate student. I would like to know whether there are any yoga techniques that can help me concentrate more on my studies.

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, focus and concentration is the most important thing for a young student like you and that is exactly what yoga promises as well; apart from broken necks, ribs etc that is. You can practice Guruji’s famous ‘bhataknasana’ yoga. And always remember to wear something yoga-friendly. Kidney-exposing tight-fits will be the most convenient ones - for your spectators he mean. Now to practice bhataknasana that improve concentration, sit down in vajrasana facing a deep water source like a pond or lake as water is one of the 3 key elements of life - apart from internet and tv - relax and close your eyes. Take a deep breath to increase your blood circulation and throw that bootless smartphone of yours into that pond and briskly walk away. Now you can concentrate on your studies well.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, there was news that you were strip-searched at airport security in a western country. There are a lot of modern-day scanning and detecting technology available, yet in some countries they strip-search and humiliate people. Isn't it wrong and unethical to do so ?

[A] Guruji  - Son Saleem, it would have been wrong and unethical had we not discovered recently that we(at least some of 'us') evolved from pigs and chimps.Those genes and traits are still residual in few people and they come out with such wildly laws and policies and find pleasure in implementing them in the most harassing manner. We cannot consider those acts unethical as ethics are applicable neither to pigs nor chimps.

[Q] Mrs Sharma asks - Guruji, my daughter is getting married and soon she will be member of a new family. What are some of the important things I must advise my daughter take care so that she remain untroubled at her in-law’s?

[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.Sharma, most important thing for a girl moving into her in-laws is that she must try to understand and respect the person or persons who she is going to spend maximum time with. In your daughter's case Guruji understands with his inner vision that her husband is the breadwinner and hence won't be the one she’s going to spend a lot of time with, instead it will be her mobile phone. Guruji’s advice to you is to advise her to buy a low radiation one so that she won’t end-up in premature death from brain tumour.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he wish you all a very happy, prosperous, spiritual and politically eventful new year. Guruji will meet you same time, same place next year again, unless you end up in jail for manslaughter  and negligent driving on the new year’s night and Guruji end up in heaven for coming on your way that night.