Guruji Speaks - Cow-wards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Mentally-fully disciples of Guruji,

Guruji has placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Gopal asks - Guruji, I have spent my entire adult life serving the political party whose ideology I believe in. But now the party has selected an ignorant, idiotic imbecile as its nominee for our upper house of parliament whose only qualification is that he is a page three celebrity. Should I now continue to work for or quit the party ?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is surprising that after serving a political party this long also your brain still is in a  normal state that you are able to ask this reasonable question. Guruji’s advice to you is to not get demotivated because in politics, “If your mama ask you to call someone papa, do so; even if that is a limp dick llama in the city zoo”

[Q] Seema asks - Guruji, why is it that we - the urban middle class in our part of the world - are in this constant trap of repaying some or other loans throughout our lives? Isn’t there an end to this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Seema, the said class is the laziest creatures alive on this planet currently and this Loan-liness is how mother nature ensures that you all are kept occupied throughout your life. Don’t worry, you will get moksha from this when you kick the bucket, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, in our culture, a cow that gives us milk and is also the economic backbone of many a rural family is symbolically considered equivalent to a mother and is worth worshipping. But some antisocial elements think this is primitive thinking and are spreading all sorts of propaganda against it. Isn’t the cow worth worshiping as a mother ?

[A] Guruji - Indeed my son! The cow is equivalent to your mother for several reasons, Guruji will mention few of them here for the knowledge of our ignorant naysayers on this matter. A cow is equivalent to your mother in all respects because,

• The cow painstakingly carried you in her womb for 10 months, slept seldom while you kicked her from inside all corners in your attempt to come out and fight for her motherly cow rights
• The cow underwent the pain of a lifetime that evening when she gave birth to you who came out screening “Thank you, Holy Cow!”
• The cow had set aside her career aspirations, personal interests, hobbies all to bring you up, hoping one day you will become a mighty cow-ward and kill those who eat beef
• The cow kept herself awake for many consecutive nights sitting at your bedside when you were running such high fever that you started seeing chicken as your cousins and goats as your aunts
• The cow had literally begged, pleaded, sacrificing her self esteem as a righteous individual when the college throw you out for misconduct, to take you back so that you can go on to become a world renowned cow-boy in future
• It is the cow that spent sleepless nights worrying about your wellbeing when your company sent you to remote hostile countries to work under cow slaughterers
• The cow awaited months together for your arrival on vacation and prepared your favorite amrakhand from pure cow milk ignoring her arthritis and shoulder pain

There are many other such reasons as well my son for treating the cow like your mother, on which Guruji can enlighten you on another occasion. Hence my children, Guruji urges all his disciples not to trivialize cow-hood and consider them equivalent to your mother hereafter.

 [Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I am sick of hearing this men vs women jokes all the time in my social circles. At times I feel this is widening the gap between the genders. Will it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, mother nature has brought us up as men and women so that we can crack jokes at each other's expense. Don’t worry, gender jokes are not going to cause the extinction of your species; provided the jokes are of the right quality, right audience and cracked at the right situation.

Children, Guruji got to take leave now as he has to conduct a few special secret poojas for his openly atheist, but closely theist comrades. He shall meet you someplace next month unless they sacrifice him to the atheist gods by then.

Guruji Speaks - Goodwill Ambassadors

Ladies, Gentlemen and Media,

Guruji had been helping the government in his part of the world to select its goodwill ambassador for the next Olympic games. Below is a transcript of the selection process - published by Guruji’s ashram in public interest and also for governments in future as a guideline how to select good goodwill ambassadors. Guruji was assisted by Her Holiness Maa Aandamayi Devi (HH MAD as she is popularly known) in this selection process.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

(Enter HIS HOLY BOTTOM and HH MAD on the dais, sitting)

HH MAD : Oh Guruji Maharaj, is this a stage play we are into for having the transcript written this way?

GURUJI: Oh Maate! When comes to detailing events, there is no better form than a stage play. Also,this is a stage-managed selection you must know !

(Enter Guruji’s assistant YOGRAJ, panting. GURUJI withdraws his eyes off HH MAD’s Holy Bottoms, looks at Yograj)

YOGRAG: Mahadev, I have Bollywood actor Kalman Shan awaiting darshan and the interview

GURUJI : Do lead him in my son. Also, why are you panting in this manner ?

YOGRAG: Mahadev, he almost ran me over at the ashram’s driveway. He says he can’t resist doing so when he see wretched looking people on sidewalks.

(YOGRAG bows, leaves. GURUJI and HH MAD exchange a wicked grin. Enters KALMAN SHAN, removes his shirt, falls on Guruji’s feet)

GURUJI (Aside) : That is a nice gesture ! Next time we must remember to shortlist few actresses as well

HH MAD (Telepathically to GURUJI) : Mahadev, that’s highly misogynistic of Your Holy Bottom! Use ‘actor’ as a gender neutral term when referring to female performers please.

GURUJI (Telepathically to HH MAD) : Avashy Mataji! But may he keep his mistresses and hostesses?

HH MAD  (Telepathically to HH MAD) : Avashy Maharaj !

GURUJI  (Telepathically to HH MAD) :  Oh Mataji, we are not into epic tele-serials to address each other like this

HH MAD  (Telepathically to HH MAD) :  Apologies Gurudev, I was a serial-killer in my previous avatar you see. Let us now focus on the boy. By the way, did you notice his six packs?

GURUJI (in a high-pitched voice): Mataji, we have an important job in hand !

(GURUJI lifts the still fallen KALMAN up, leads him to a chair, places His Holy Bottom on another. HH MAD is still having her eyes superglued on to the actor’s abdominal landscape)

GURUJI (to KALMAN) : Oh my son, you know the purpose of this darshan, let us get started without wasting much time

GURUJI (Aside) : Wake up you adulteress!

(HH MAD springs up from her chair as if she is stung by a bottom-sipper bee, sits down again, smiles)

GURUJI (to KALMAN) : Son, why do you think you are the right person for this job?

KALMAN (Clearing his throat) : Gurudev, if Malkadi can be the Olympic association president, Molit Lady can head the Cricket Premier league..

GURUJI (Interrupting KALMAN): Son, you answered me. Let us continue. Do you have any sporting skills?

KALMAN (Excitedly) : Of course Gurudev, I am a good shooter!

GURUJI : How nice! Rifle or Pistol ?

KALMAN: Neither Gurudev, I can shoot blackbucks

(GURUJI and HH MAD again exchange a wicked grin)

HH MAD : Son, what do you think is the primary message of Olympic games to people of our country?

KALMAN: Mataji, I think it gives a message to people that Doordarshan Sports channel still exists

HH MAD: Well done my son! Can you tell me what are the colors of the five rings of the Olympic symbol?

KALMAN: Saffron, Saffron, Saffron, Saffron and Saffron

(GURUJI gets up, embraces KALMAN, tries to do the same with HH MAD, but she escapes by moving behind the chair quickly)

GURUJI : Well done my son! You shall be the goodwill ambassador of our country in the next Olympic Games!

KALMAN: I’m honoured Your Holy Bottom. May I know when and where this Olympiscs is going to be held? I have to apply for the visa accordingly.

GURUJI: It is Olympics my son, and is going to be held in Rio de Janeiro.

KALMAN(Aside): Rio-the what? Never mind, I can Google it

(KALMAN bows both, leaves. GURUJI and HH MAD exchange a wicked grin, both leave the dais. Blackout)

ACT 2 SCENE 1

(Lights. Press-conference . Enters Sports Minister and YOGRAJ. Sitting )

SM: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very happy to announce Mr. Kalman Shan as the goodwill ambassador of our country for the next Olympic games !

(Journalist-looking-person stands up)

JLP : Mr. Minister, why do you have a person with no connection whatsoever with sports selected for this job ?

SM: My friend, it is Guruji’s wish that Mr.Kalman be the ambassador to bring us good luck, we cannot question a god-send direction from a godsend person you must know. Let us toast for the success of our Olympic team!

(All rise, raise wine glasses and toast - “Hail Goddesses Motherland ! ”. Blackout)

Note:- Guruji shall give his regular darshan to disciples same time, same place next month unless there are actors(f) he has to hand-pick for other forthcoming international events as goodwill ambassadors.

Guruji Speaks - Acts of god

Ladies, Gentlemen and Construction Gods,

Guruji will now hear your grievances and concerns, do get started.

[Q] Raj asks - Guruji, our government and the contractors think that a recent fatal bridge collapse in our part of the world is an act of god. Is it so? Why would the god punish innocent civilians like this?

[A] Guruji - Son, your government is absolutely right. Practically everything getting done in your part of the world are acts of gods and not of governments, except TV news debates which are acts of evil demons from down under in collaboration with venom spitting leeches from the hell. With the bridge collapse, the god is sending a clear message to people - that they think with their brain and not with their rectal ampulla before electing such governments and paying tax to employ such contractors.

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, why do some activists in our part of the world are campaigning against skin fairness creams saying they promote racism don't do so against people going for wacky hair colours these days?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, everything that happens in your part of the world cannot be explained by the rational mind of a sage. Had he got such powers Guruji would have tried to reason strange phenomena such as existence of Public Works Department in his part of the world. However, Gurujis ashram has got in touch with the said activists and they say that people attempting to get fairer skin can be reformed through awareness while those choosing the said hair colors got their grey cells irrecoverably lost and no amount of campaigning can help.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, is it ethical for an elected government to use public’s money to promote itself through media advertising?

[A] Guruji - Son, your spiritual guru is not the right person to answer such politically motivated questions, especially when the said government is solely employed to allot prime land and confer most prefered citizen awards to it's spiritual gurus. However Guruji will tell you this much that having assholery as a way of life is not a good situation to be in.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I am a head of state in my part of the world and an ardent follower of Your Holy Bottom. Many of my provinces are facing acute water shortage this summer. My government believes that if we stop playing national league games, about .00236% of water it consumes can be saved. Can you please advise how to address the remaining shortage ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is disappointed to see that in spite of being such an ardent follower of His Holy Bottom, your brain has not improved a by an iota from its original sabudana khichdi state. Guruji would advise you to instead squeeze and extract water from another resource available in abundance in your part of the world - human bodies. It is 60% water my son!

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, modern thinking is that men and women are equal. In that case why we still have separate queues for men and women in most places in my part of the world ? Shouldn’t we have gender-neutral queues ?

[A] Guruji - Son, yes it is a good idea to have gender-neutral queues as a symbol of equality,  provided men like you are gender-neutralized beforehand so that you stop spooning women in the queue.

Children, Guruji got to leave now to receive his annual most favoured person award from a country that washes his unlaundered undergarments. He will meet you all same place, same time in another life.

Guruji Speaks - WTF

Ladies and Gentle horses,

Guruji will now address you all, do get started.

[Q] RVG asks - Guruji, I am a movie maker in my part of the world. We usually copy successful formulas and trends from Hollywood and create local blockbusters, adding local cultural context such as item-numbers. Now the trend there is super-hero duets. I would like to make one on those lines. Could you please recommend me a numerologically auspicious name for this movie ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly movie makers in your part of the world asking advice from spiritual gurus is like flu-viruses seeking inspiration from cancer cells.Nevertheless, Guruji advises you to title it “Shaktiman vs Batty-man” in alignment with your present social context.

[Q] MRK asks - Guruji, I am a lawmaker in my part of the world. Recently we coined a new slogan “Hail Goddesses Motherland” to pay homage to our motherland. But many of our citizens are refusing to chant the same saying they don’t visualize motherland as a goddesses. Doesn’t it clearly amount to sedition ? Shouldn’t such people be expelled from the country or put in jail ?

[A] Guruji - Son, while personifying your motherland as a goddesses / mermaid / pole-dancer is creative, trying to enforce that image on others is philosophically palaeolithic. Even worse if you have emigrated and naturalized the said golden goddesses (along with her pet cat) from her colonial avatar. If your objective is to pay homage to your motherland, Guruji advises you to stop spitting on her and stop stealing from her hard-earned tax money.

[Q] Kishan asks - Guruji, I am a university student. Lately there is some civil unrest in my part of the world that is some way or other connected to campus politics. Is student-politics good for our future ?

[A] Guruji - Son, in a society such as yours where adult politics itself is in a mucky, monkey state, students politicking around will be like crapping into an unflushed closet - adding more filth, more stink. Guruji’s advice to all of you in the universities is to aim for securing a brighter future and direct your time and resources on activities towards that - such as getting wacky haircuts done or watching Bollywood item numbers.

[Q] Kamala asks - Guruji, it is about my college going son, he has no interest in his academics, he is only interested in getting weird hair-styles done and watching 3rd class movies, influenced by some leech-brained loser who advises him. As parent, I would like to find out what his talents are and guide him to choose a career accordingly. Can you please advise how to go about ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamala, the best way to know where your son’s talent lies is to follow his lies. If he lies a lot about the past, he will become a historian. If he is lying about the present, he will become a good salesman. If he lies about future, he will become a political leader. If he lies in all three tenses, chances are that he will become a spiritual guru.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, this is an era where spiritual gurus are doing brand building through advertising campaigns or global meets. Why do we not see any such activities from your holy bottom ? Isn’t it important for the rest of the world to learn about your revolutionary spiritual practices and snake oil medicines?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, you are right. Towards this Guruji’s ashram will be hosting the first ever “World Torturing Forum”(WTF) this summer, for promoting peace and communal harmony. In this event, different kinds of cultural activities from around the world such as mudslinging, honor-killing, head chopping, TV news debates, Bollywood item-dances etc will be showcased to build awareness on torturing among people.

[Q] Meera asks - This is great to know, when and where will the WTF be organized?

[A] Guruji - Dear, the biggest challenge with organizing something of this size is the funding and infrastructure. The ashram is waiting to secure a few escapable bank loans and encroachable river banks for hosting WTF. Once they are ready, the dates will be officially announced through our key sponsors such as environmental agencies and mental asylums.

[Q] Asma asks - Guruji, unprecedented levels of divisive  propaganda being spread around the world these days and people have no hesitation to kill even innocent children - in the name of faith, politics, geographic boundaries and what not. Why are we in this state today? Who are responsible for all these ? Is it the religions, the politicians, or technology or something else?

[A] Guruji - Dear Asma, you are right, humanity is going through one of its toughest times ever. There is only one person to blame for this - the dumb-witted mother nature. She should have known the consequences of giving limited intelligence to a savage monkey species and expecting them to take care of this planet.

Children, Guruji has to take leave now to attend to few of his disciples who are waiting for darshan in the form of his unwashed laundry. Your concerns and queries shall be addressed by him another time, another place and may be in another life.

Guruji Speaks - Women’s Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Nation-builders,

Guruji has arrived and placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your concerns and concoctions.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, do we really need to celebrate a special women's day?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is unfortunate that you are asking such a question, it only indicates the male-chauvinistic traits that some of us men possess even in 21st century. We definitely need a day to recognize, regard and reward our women, otherwise history will not be kind on us, we will be labelled a generation that didn’t sell women’s accessories.

[Q] Judi asks - Guruji, many a priest in my religion conduct faith healing sessions. Is there in any truth in faith healing?

[A] Guruji - Of course dear, Guruji himself had been a faith-healer in his previous avatar. The truth about faith healing is that such faith is a condition that needs healing.

[Q] Mitun asks - Guruji, I'm getting married soon, I would like to know what is the best way to keep my marriage successful, without arguments or fights ?

[A] Guruji - Son, marital matters are better addressed by materialists or martial arts experts than monks. However he will tell you this much that conflicts are inexorable in any marriage, unless it is between your smartphone and it's charger. The key to have a successful marriage is not about having no fights, but about winning it. If you win, your marriage lose and vice versa.

[Q] Anonymous Journalist asks - Guruji, some people say that around 70% of people in rural parts of my country have no toilets. Isn't this worrisome, that the governments are doing nothing about it?

[A] Guruji - Dear AJ, it is not the job of the government to peep into people's bottoms and find where are they defecating. Governments got other important things to do for it's needy and poor watch, suite and suite-case sponsors. Also, one must know that it is a very good thing that your population is defecating in public, as that is the proof that there is no poverty in your welfare state. If they poop, they ate. 

[Q] Sameer asks - Guruji, why do some people believe that god wants to eliminate people belonging to other faiths ? Don’t they have common sense to understand that if god is god, he could do it himself and need not appoint third party rectums for it ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is afraid you are the one having lack of common sense here to ask such a question. If god was god, he/she wouldn't have allowed procreation of such rectums is more commonsensical an argument.

[Q] Guruji, I belong to a society that was under foreign rule for last few centuries. Now we are determined to regain our past glory. What is your advice for us, where do we start ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is a noble thought indeed, to regain you past glory. Guruji would advise you to not try to regain just the glory of few hundred years but to go back further and try to regain the tail that you lost in the great battle of evolution. Also, before the said few centuries, your very forefathers used to kill each other and rape your fore-mothers and fore-sisters in the name of territorial ownership, try to regain that glory as well on your way back, you have Guruji's blessings.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now. He shall meet you same place, same time next month - unless his holy bottom gets stung by anti-national ants or their nationalist-aunts by then.

Guruji Speaks - Birth Control

Ladies, Gentlemen and Patriots,

Guruji has arrived on the dais to converse with you all. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Rohini asks - Guruji, if a society that suffered from racial abuse for a very long time unleash racial attack on other equally suffering people, what does it indicate ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Rohini, it just proves that anthropologists classified us homo sapiens too early, we are not there yet in the journey of evolution.

[Q] Judy asks - Guruji, in my faith,  they tell us that we should not do artificial birth control as it is against the will of god. Are they right?

[A] Guruji - Dear Judy, uncontrolled production of anything is against all laws of nature and will create imbalances socially, economically, environmentally, mentally. God cannot change that as he does not exist in a form capable of doing so. Also, there is no such thing as natural birth control possible for us humans because no human birth is natural, it’s all artificial - man made.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, Capitalism or Socialism. Which is good ?

[A] Guruji - Son, both are equally good.

[Q] Ram asks - But Guruji, how can two opposite social theories be correct at the same time ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Capitalism is good for the capitalists, socialism is good for socialists and both are equally good for socialites.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, my question was, which is good for the society in general?

[A] Guruji - Son, they are a transnational financial corporation. So Guruji reckon they are on the capitalist side.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you are evading from answering me. Out of those two, which is good for you and me is my question.

[A] Guruji -  You and me are irrelevant here my son, we just have to slog, procreate, again slog and die like street cats.

[Q] Raj asks - Guruji, I would like to change my lifestyle and start leading a life that is more closer to nature. Where should I start ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this indeed is a good move by you, to live a life more closer to nature and thus more meaningful. We rishis have been living natural life for thousands of years. As a first step, stop shaving, brushing and taking bath, you will start looking(and smelling) more natural.

[Q] Vikramjit asks - Guruji, In spite of being nation of a billion people, why we don't excel in sports much ?

[A] Guruji - Son, the reason is our malnutrition.

[Q] Vikramjit asks - Guruji, are you saying that our youngsters are more malnourished than those coming from sub-saharan Africa?

[A] Guruji - No my son, he is only saying that you have a sports ministry that is malnourished.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he has to go miles before he find a garbage bin in his town to jump into and reincarnate as a street cat. He will meet you same time next month, unless of course he got arrested for being an anti national street cat by then.

Guruji Speaks - Ignorance

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, isn’t it wrong for religious shrines to impose entry restrictions on women ?

[A] Guruji - No dear, not at all. Religious doctrines are imposed for a reason and you must respect that. If the gods decide that women are not welcome inside the sanctums, they should not forcibly go there and invite the wrath of the gods. 

[Q] Meena asks - ..but Guruji, these are not restrictions imposed by gods, instead by religious leaders and the clergy..

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, they are THE only gods, at least in such places, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, we humans I understand were originally herbivores. Shouldn’t it be better for us to go back to that then ?

[A] Guruji - Son, we were originally cave dwellers and fibling-suckers too you must know. In the process of evolution, mother nature had stopped breastfeeding us early(she had to deliver one of us every 10 months you see) and trained us to hunt and eat every now and then so that our survival is ensured. So continue that way is Guruji’s advice to you all, unless of course you want to go back to the caves and start..well, you got what he is saying, don’t you.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, they say “scientia potentia est” or Knowledge Is Power. In that case we should be having knowledgeable people leading the society always. Isn’t this proverb wrong then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, This is absolutely wrong, knowledge will not lead you anywhere. Guruji’s centuries long study shows the opposite, that - “Ignorance Is Power”.

[Q] Lata asks - Your Holiness, how could this be possible, can you please elaborate that ?

[A] Guruji - Dear, one must know that,

• Ignorance of voters get politicians elected
• Ignorance of consumers make businesses flourish
• Ignorance of citizens make bureaucracy rule 
• Ignorance of devotees make religions grow
• Ignorance of farmers make merchants prosper
• Ignorance of followers make political parties win elections
• Ignorance of viewers make news channels popular
• Ignorance of fans make Bollywood stars

[Q] Miss X asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about government rewarding citizens annually with civilian awards?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss X, it is absolutely wrong for a government to treat it's citizens differently and reward some while ignoring others. A government should be like a mother to all it’s citizens and a mother feeding her kids according to their intellectual abilities is incorrect.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in that case isn’t it wrong for some of you spiritual gurus to accept these awards ?

[A] Guruji - Of course not my son, we spiritual gurus don't consider the government our mother but a mere bed partner.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, your answers lately make me feel that you are an absolute moron with no cognisance, common sense or respect for traditions and values. Am I right?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, followers get the spiritual leader they deserve

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave and take a leak, he will meet you same place, same time next month; unless an ATC error takes him to the heavens by then.

Guruji Speaks - Asstrology

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors!

Guruji has been in deep meditation for many decades to acquire advanced knowledge in astrology. He has been enlightened by the heavens on many dimensions of astrology hitherto unknown to humanity that he will now practice for the betterment of society and it will be called “Asstrology” hereafter. In today’s special darshan, Guruji will provide asstrological advice to you all on your personal and professional problems. Do keep the following vital information ready - the subject’s date and time of birth, birth-place, mother’s maiden name and credit card details and start your questions.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, how does one’s mother’s maiden name and credit card details influence her/his future?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, there are many facets of cosmic influences on human life that Guruji has discovered and developed in Asstrology. With these two factors an enlightened one like Guruji can give a lot of insight into a person’s life, unlike the birth date-time that can only help predicting their age. Especially a lot of insight can be made into her bank account with that information and hence they are vital to predict one's future as well.

[Q] Sudhakar asks - Guruji, my son was born on 8th of January, 1990 around 6.30 PM in Chennai. Can you please tell me when should he marry, what kind of a girl should we look for him ?

[A] Guruji - Son Saudagar, your son’s birth chart shows Ketu in 1st house, Mangala in 5th house and more importantly the 3rd house has a college going girl he is after. This is not at all a suitable time for him to get married as Shukra is in the 7th house, in the form of the currently minor girl’s kickboxer brother. Hence Guruji advises him to wait for a planetary alignment such that Shukra moves out of 7th house.

[Q] Mr.X asks - Guruji, I am a popular film actor in my part of the world, I have been asked by the government to be the brand ambassador of the country’s tourism initiatives. Is it a good time to pick this up?

[A] Guruji - Son X, Guruji analysed your horoscope, you have Ketu in 11th house, Rahu in 5th house, and a relatively crowded 6th house with nearly every other planet in the solar system which means you are going through astrologically dirty waters currently. Also brand ambassadorship is a double edged closet, means it can spill your own filth on to you if things go wrong. Guruji advises you to advise your government to stop running behind movie actors as a one stop solution to all its publicity needs.

[Q] Mr. Y asks - Your Holiness, you have special powers to help the needy and poor brand ambassadors I understand. I am a famous sports personality in my part of the world and take up brand ambassadorship for virtually anything that comes my way and got into trouble recently when I was portrayed as a godly avatar of branding. Have I done anything wrong?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing wrong in being a brand ambassador god as gods themselves are nobody but brand ambassadors of their respective cults. In other words, brand ambassadors are to brands as gods are to religions - mute mascots. So continue to do your ambassadorial karma and pocket the millions while your stars are shining. Keep your lawyers and political friends happy, things will be fine, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, a comedian recently got arrested for mimicking a spiritual leader. In the wake of this, what is your advice to comedians ?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, cannibalism is not suitable for primate species, hence Guruji urges comedians and clowns to stop mimicking each other to make a living.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now as the space scientists in his part of the world are waiting outside to seek his aastrological advice before launching their new satellite. He will meet you soon, unless he gets arrested for mimicking primatel expressions and thereby hurting the feelings of apeophiles.

Guruji Speaks - God's Guards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political Sports Administrators,

Guruji’s holy-bottom has been placed on the dais for the special new year holy-darshan. Do get started with your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I'm totally confused about this whole thing of democracy in my country. What is wrong when in opposition turns right when in power and vice versa across political parties. Who should I vote next time ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, it is not a problem of democracy as a system but that of the society practising it which still spits and litter in public places, yet cry that the government is inefficient. On the question of who you should vote next time, Guruji advises you to wait till the elections. Media cheerleaders (or cheer-strippers, depending on which angle you look from) in your part of the world will decide it and issue you instructions accordingly.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, I notice that in general women are more religious than men. I deduced it by observing that there are more temple, church going women than men in my part of the world. Why are women more pious traditionally?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly Guruji advises you to get out of that roadside wall you are sitting counting temple-church going women and SPEND YOUR TIME TO DO SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL IN LIFE. Now to answer your question , traditionally no sane woman was religious as all the religions were created by men for their own convenience, one of them being keep women away in the kitchens and bedrooms (in that order). However no social setup can exist without  mass support, hence women were asked by their male masters to follow the order and pray and women fell prey. Since they are more committed to what they do, women became more religious over a period of time.

[Q] Shyam asks - Your Holiness, in that case what is your advice to  today's religious women?

[A] Guruji - The same (capitalized) advice Guruji gave you before holds good for them as well. 

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, I am a member of a self-service society, whose objective is to protect our religion and faith by lynching those whom we think are hurting our religious sentiments. Am I doing the right thing ?

[A] Guruji - Son Sevak, you indeed are doing a noble deed, of protecting the gods who have lately turned into a bunch of numb, hapless, unresponsive cement / stone structures or bookish heroes. You are their only hope, that with all the blood you sprinkle in their name will motivate and wake them up one day and they will start bestowing fortune and happiness all over you and your fellow members. 

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I read somewhere that you are on a mission to modernize astrology and give it a new dimension all together. How is it coming up, what will be your version of astrology known as in future?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is ready and this new advanced branch of astrological studies will be called “Asstrology” 

[Q] Divya asks - Guruji, which is a better form of democracy - one lead by a president or a prime minister ?

[A] Guruji - Either form can work well dear, it all depends on how good the president or the prime minister is; as a showboat.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, what is your new year’s message to us disciples ?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is no new year or old year for an unworldly, spiritual person like Guruji. Calendars are mere tools created by humans to mark worldly events. A new year's day happens because of another cosmological spinning of our tiny planet like any other day. But in general his advice to all his disciples at the moment is to drink lot of water along as well.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take a break to drink some water, may his blessings and care be with you all. He will meet you here soon, unless he get roughed up by some or other god’s guards by then.

Guruji Speaks - Intolerance

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cash cows,

Guruji has ended his long maun-vrat he had taken up in response to the tax department’s increasing intolerance towards his offshore accounts. Now that good days have come for spiritualists like him, he is here to address you all, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Ramya asks - Guruji, people say that intolerance is on the rise in our part of the world. As a sage who had seen many different generations of our society, do you think this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ramya, this is incorrect because sociologically speaking  intolerance is a form of energy which will neither rise nor fall. That means it can neither be created or destroyed and can only be converted from one form to another. For example, 
--When your intolerance to stinking neighbourhoods decrease, your intolerance towards what your neighbours pooped in the neighbourhood will increase and you will cry out “No one can poop monkey meat in my vicinity!”. 
--When your intolerance to other people’s false goddesses increase, your intolerance to own equally false goddesses will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to tax money being spent on PR by your government decrease, your intolerance to those who question it will increase. 
--When your intolerance to people who make noise on increasing intolerance increase, your intolerance to noises in general will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to the qualifications of your education minister increase, your intolerance to ineffective education system will decrease. 

[Q] Samir asks -  Guruji, is it ethical for somebody to eat animals worshipped by others ?

[A] Guruji -  Son Samir, it is absolutely wrong and unethical to eat animals worshipped by others, provided the said animals are endangered, vulnerable, stolen, rotten, uncooked, alive, rearing, torchered, buried, poisoned, plagued or politicked.

[Q] Chottu asks - Guruji uncle, why is that we celebrate Nehru's birthday as Children's day? Isn’t it better to celebrate the birthday of somebody else who we children are more fond of, say Mickey Mouse’s as Children’s day?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, children’s day is celebrated to build awareness among parents how to bring up their children so that they lead a successful life. Nehru was somebody who was highly successful in this, with his child, her children and their children succeeding in governing a country for many decades. Hence he is considered a role model for everybody who got children, and his birthday is celebrated as children’s day. Mickey Mouse on the other hand remained same like the rest of us throughout his life - a cartoon character.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the difference between being extremely spiritual and being fanatical ?

[A] Guruji - being naked in your bathroom is different from being so on the streets my son.

[Q] Miss. Q asks - Guruji, I am the chief minister of a state in my part of the world, I would like to impose full alcohol prohibition in my state as elections are coming up and I can secure a good amount of votes through this action I think. But I am also worried whether it will cause more unrest and catastrophes like hooch tragedies in future ? What is a good solution for this situation?

[A] Guruji - Dear Q, you can go ahead and impose full prohibition in your state without any worries, you have Guruji’s blessings. Guruji shall direct the federal government in your part of the world to form more Union Territories around your state for the welfare of your alcoholic population .

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, isn’t it wrong to appoint unskilled people at the helm of premier institutes in the country ? Shouldn’t it be the experts in the domain who should head them?

[A]. Guruji - Son, this thinking is wrong - that only experts have the expertise to do things. If that was the case we wouldn't have had Bollywood, Yoga Gurus or Public Works Departments in our solar system. An inclusive society is one that gives everyone a chance; irrespective of they are skilled-experts or serial-killers.

[Q]  Sevak asks - Guruji, I live abroad comfortably, but I would like to have all those unfortunate souls in my home country who question wrongdoings there to be deported to a hostile, poor neighbouring country. Some people say I am not entitled to demand so. Can you advise ?

[A] . Guruji - Son Sevak, there is nothing wrong in what you think. For a cow -  any cow, not the cow that you are thinking about - grass always is green in the meadows and she should go there and graze as much as she can. There is nothing wrong and it is her right to complain about the filthy barn she herself dirtied before leaving. This is completely natural and normal behaviour for any animal whether it is a cow or an extremist-expat.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave as he is taking up a world tour to enlighten his overseas followers and preach them on the need for tolerance, love and compassion towards the thugs back home who burn  their neighbours bottoms for the crime of existing.