Guruji Speaks - God's Guards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political Sports Administrators,

Guruji’s holy-bottom has been placed on the dais for the special new year holy-darshan. Do get started with your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I'm totally confused about this whole thing of democracy in my country. What is wrong when in opposition turns right when in power and vice versa across political parties. Who should I vote next time ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, it is not a problem of democracy as a system but that of the society practising it which still spits and litter in public places, yet cry that the government is inefficient. On the question of who you should vote next time, Guruji advises you to wait till the elections. Media cheerleaders (or cheer-strippers, depending on which angle you look from) in your part of the world will decide it and issue you instructions accordingly.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, I notice that in general women are more religious than men. I deduced it by observing that there are more temple, church going women than men in my part of the world. Why are women more pious traditionally?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly Guruji advises you to get out of that roadside wall you are sitting counting temple-church going women and SPEND YOUR TIME TO DO SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL IN LIFE. Now to answer your question , traditionally no sane woman was religious as all the religions were created by men for their own convenience, one of them being keep women away in the kitchens and bedrooms (in that order). However no social setup can exist without  mass support, hence women were asked by their male masters to follow the order and pray and women fell prey. Since they are more committed to what they do, women became more religious over a period of time.

[Q] Shyam asks - Your Holiness, in that case what is your advice to  today's religious women?

[A] Guruji - The same (capitalized) advice Guruji gave you before holds good for them as well. 

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, I am a member of a self-service society, whose objective is to protect our religion and faith by lynching those whom we think are hurting our religious sentiments. Am I doing the right thing ?

[A] Guruji - Son Sevak, you indeed are doing a noble deed, of protecting the gods who have lately turned into a bunch of numb, hapless, unresponsive cement / stone structures or bookish heroes. You are their only hope, that with all the blood you sprinkle in their name will motivate and wake them up one day and they will start bestowing fortune and happiness all over you and your fellow members. 

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I read somewhere that you are on a mission to modernize astrology and give it a new dimension all together. How is it coming up, what will be your version of astrology known as in future?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is ready and this new advanced branch of astrological studies will be called “Asstrology” 

[Q] Divya asks - Guruji, which is a better form of democracy - one lead by a president or a prime minister ?

[A] Guruji - Either form can work well dear, it all depends on how good the president or the prime minister is; as a showboat.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, what is your new year’s message to us disciples ?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is no new year or old year for an unworldly, spiritual person like Guruji. Calendars are mere tools created by humans to mark worldly events. A new year's day happens because of another cosmological spinning of our tiny planet like any other day. But in general his advice to all his disciples at the moment is to drink lot of water along as well.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take a break to drink some water, may his blessings and care be with you all. He will meet you here soon, unless he get roughed up by some or other god’s guards by then.

Guruji Speaks - Intolerance

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cash cows,

Guruji has ended his long maun-vrat he had taken up in response to the tax department’s increasing intolerance towards his offshore accounts. Now that good days have come for spiritualists like him, he is here to address you all, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Ramya asks - Guruji, people say that intolerance is on the rise in our part of the world. As a sage who had seen many different generations of our society, do you think this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ramya, this is incorrect because sociologically speaking  intolerance is a form of energy which will neither rise nor fall. That means it can neither be created or destroyed and can only be converted from one form to another. For example, 
--When your intolerance to stinking neighbourhoods decrease, your intolerance towards what your neighbours pooped in the neighbourhood will increase and you will cry out “No one can poop monkey meat in my vicinity!”. 
--When your intolerance to other people’s false goddesses increase, your intolerance to own equally false goddesses will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to tax money being spent on PR by your government decrease, your intolerance to those who question it will increase. 
--When your intolerance to people who make noise on increasing intolerance increase, your intolerance to noises in general will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to the qualifications of your education minister increase, your intolerance to ineffective education system will decrease. 

[Q] Samir asks -  Guruji, is it ethical for somebody to eat animals worshipped by others ?

[A] Guruji -  Son Samir, it is absolutely wrong and unethical to eat animals worshipped by others, provided the said animals are endangered, vulnerable, stolen, rotten, uncooked, alive, rearing, torchered, buried, poisoned, plagued or politicked.

[Q] Chottu asks - Guruji uncle, why is that we celebrate Nehru's birthday as Children's day? Isn’t it better to celebrate the birthday of somebody else who we children are more fond of, say Mickey Mouse’s as Children’s day?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, children’s day is celebrated to build awareness among parents how to bring up their children so that they lead a successful life. Nehru was somebody who was highly successful in this, with his child, her children and their children succeeding in governing a country for many decades. Hence he is considered a role model for everybody who got children, and his birthday is celebrated as children’s day. Mickey Mouse on the other hand remained same like the rest of us throughout his life - a cartoon character.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the difference between being extremely spiritual and being fanatical ?

[A] Guruji - being naked in your bathroom is different from being so on the streets my son.

[Q] Miss. Q asks - Guruji, I am the chief minister of a state in my part of the world, I would like to impose full alcohol prohibition in my state as elections are coming up and I can secure a good amount of votes through this action I think. But I am also worried whether it will cause more unrest and catastrophes like hooch tragedies in future ? What is a good solution for this situation?

[A] Guruji - Dear Q, you can go ahead and impose full prohibition in your state without any worries, you have Guruji’s blessings. Guruji shall direct the federal government in your part of the world to form more Union Territories around your state for the welfare of your alcoholic population .

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, isn’t it wrong to appoint unskilled people at the helm of premier institutes in the country ? Shouldn’t it be the experts in the domain who should head them?

[A]. Guruji - Son, this thinking is wrong - that only experts have the expertise to do things. If that was the case we wouldn't have had Bollywood, Yoga Gurus or Public Works Departments in our solar system. An inclusive society is one that gives everyone a chance; irrespective of they are skilled-experts or serial-killers.

[Q]  Sevak asks - Guruji, I live abroad comfortably, but I would like to have all those unfortunate souls in my home country who question wrongdoings there to be deported to a hostile, poor neighbouring country. Some people say I am not entitled to demand so. Can you advise ?

[A] . Guruji - Son Sevak, there is nothing wrong in what you think. For a cow -  any cow, not the cow that you are thinking about - grass always is green in the meadows and she should go there and graze as much as she can. There is nothing wrong and it is her right to complain about the filthy barn she herself dirtied before leaving. This is completely natural and normal behaviour for any animal whether it is a cow or an extremist-expat.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave as he is taking up a world tour to enlighten his overseas followers and preach them on the need for tolerance, love and compassion towards the thugs back home who burn  their neighbours bottoms for the crime of existing. 

Guruji Speaks - Inner Peace

Ladies, Gentleman and Pahalwan Politicians,

Guruji has descended his holy bottom on the holy hot-seat, he will now take your questions, please get started.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, a top politician recently tried justifying rape by stating that boys do mistakes at times, we must not hang them for that. Do you agree with this view?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, Guruji would totally agree with the politician here, boys do mistakes and we must help and reform them. Say if a boy steals bread out of hunger, a true leader will try to reform the boy by providing him with food from his own kitchen so that he won’t be tempted to rob the poor neighbourhood bakers, right? Similarly the said leader Guruji hope will lead the way in this case and supply the said boys with whatever ‘food’ they were after from his home so that they don’t attack poor girls on the road.

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, till recently the only identity we common men (and women) of this country had was our 'aam aadmi' label that gave us a community feeling and some level of confidence that we can collectively bargain for our basic necessities such as the right to eat, the right to take bath, right to wash our bottoms etc. But now that identity also is hijacked by political parties. What should we do now?

[A] Guruji - Son, when one identity goes of, a competent community like yours must adapt another rather than lamenting over it. Guruji recommend all you common men and women out there to choose an assy identity going forward without having to worry about somebody hijacking that identity, as donkeys are gentle, trustworthy creatures having no problem sharing their humble namespace (or even their living space) with other fellow beings, unlike the ones who stole your current identity.

[Q] Shankar asks - Guruji, I feel we middle-aged men are the most neglected, ignored and taken for granted set of people. We get no appreciation for our deeds, no girls aspire for us, we get the least consideration and priority when coming to anything from queuing up for boarding a plane to getting evacuated from a sinking ship. Why is this discrimination, aren’t we the most worthy set of people as we form the top business persons, top politicians, top artists, top everything in fact ?

[A] Guruji - Son, though you have raised a very important question here, you have made a critical error by saying ”WE middle-aged men” as by that you have classified Guruji too as an ill-fated, rapidly aging, potbellied desperado while in reality he is a chiranjeevi who belongs to no age groups and is as desirable as a Bollywood Khan with 8 packs(6 anterior, 2 posterior) in his current avatar.  Coming back to your question, the answer is there in your statement itself - it is your very “top everything” status that makes people give you the least priority and respect as you also form the top rapists, top child-molesters, top politicians, top thieves, top warlords, top news anchors, top stock-traders etc as well. Guruji advises you all to become topless in the above mentioned categories, you will earn your due respect.

[Q] Pushpak asks - Guruji, why do all you religious leaders are against homosexuals, aren't they also God's creations and deserve a place in the society?

[A] Guruji - Pushpak, it is a misconception that we religious leaders are fully against homosexuality, it is only the first 4 letters that we oppose, for the rest, we are fully committed and are more than happy to dedicate our whole life for it.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, what is inner peace, how can one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, like the outside world, our souls also have an inner world. As in a calm and peaceful exterior world - that is, the one without destructive activities like wars, natural calamities, Bollywood movies etc, there is also a state of calmness that prevails in your inner world as well. One can attain it by having focus, dedication and more importantly by releasing inner gases through appropriate bodily apertures at appropriate times.

Ok children, Guruji will take leave now to take a leak. He will meet you same space, time and any other dimensions that coincide here next week, unless by then his astrological planets get oriented in a different direction and he get hit by a meteor as a result of it.

Guruji Speaks - Unnatural relationships

Ladies, Gentlemen and Supreme authorities,

Guruji is back after his holy mission to initiate something that has the potential to save mankind, womankind and even those kind in media business / jails (or both). He will address you all now, do start with your questions.

[Q]  Kumar asks - Guruji, you weren't there in the ashram last weekend and did not give us darshan. Had you been on a pilgrimage?

[A] Guruji - No my son, Guruji was on a mission to do “bhoomi pooja” for the worlds tallest politically motivated statue that now is the only hope for mankind to save itself from all the problems looming over it currently including that of deficiency of brain cells in some people.

[Q] Lata Devi.L asks - Your holiness, isn’t it wrong for some people to be homosexuals as god created us men and women to be exactly that way? Shouldn’t all religious and spiritual leaders oppose such unnatural relationships as it is against gods, our culture and rich traditions?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata Devi.L, Guruji for centuries have been opposing such unnatural relationships. But unfortunately some evil people called scientists went against gods and proved that we evolved and were not created by gods. Now the same people have also found that our evolution itself is from a highly unnatural union - of pigs and chimps(Can you believe that? pigs!). Guruji was hoping that the gods will react to such atrocious and blasphemous researches by burning all the scientists in hell or in sulfuric acid. But since they are not doing so, we have to assume that the entire human race itself has an origin from an unnatural relationship (that too one involving pigs!), we better work towards making any unnatural relationships between pigs and chimps illegal before addressing other lesser unnatural ones.

[Q] Dash asks - Guruji, you are a person who knows everything. I want to invest in stock market and earn a good fortune out of that. What should one do to maximize his returns from the stock market?

[A] Guruji - Son Dash, though this is not a spiritually pertinent topic, considering the donations you make at religious shrines, Guruji recognizes that you are a genuine investor and hence will answer you. Best way to get maximum returns from stock market is to stay away from it.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, I hear that spiritual gurus got a sixth sense.Is this true ? What is it called?

[A] Guruji - It is NONSENSE.

[Q] Pia asks - Guruji, I am a marketing executive with a leading FMCG company. This question is about my manager’s attitude.He thinks he is always right. It doesn't stop there, he also thinks that ONLY he is right. I am not very satisfied working with him for this attitude, but at the same time I really admire his self confidence also. Is he right with this attitude?

[A] Guruji - Pia dear, this is already answered a century and a half back by Charles Darwin and Guruji will repeat it here for you and your manager - That "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge".

[Q] Krishna asks - Guruji, you are a sociologists too. What is that we can deduce from the recent Aam-aadmi party victory in Delhi?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduces that humans got much higher tolerance level compared to other life forms, else something like this wouldn't have taken this long to happen.

[Q]  Smitha asks - Maharaj, one more year is passing by. What is Guruji's message to the world this time?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, every passing year makes us realize the universal truth that time is the only ultimate truth and it never waits for anybody.This December, Guruji advises all his disciples to take an oath to bring improvements to their spiritual life going forward, by drinking responsibly.

Ok my children, Guruji got to retire to his meditation chambers to attend to some important spiritual matters waiting for him (in his cupboard). We will meet here again same time next week if time(and materials) permit.

Guruji Speaks - Relationships

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cheap Editors,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy weekend to you all, do get started with your questions.

[Q] Disciples from Delhi ask - Guruji, we are planning to launch a media campaign to get you next year’s “Bharat Ratna”. What do you say?

[A] Guruji - That will be a noble deed indeed my children! Do proceed, and ensure it comes tax exempted.

[Q] Sheetal asks - Gurudev, I am an aspiring model, recently moved to Mumbai. My boyfriend is inviting me to share a live-in relationship with him. Do you see any danger in I going for it?

[A] Guruji - Sheetal dear, your spiritual guru may not be the right person to advise you on such material/marital/martial topics. However, in one of his previous incarnations as a university student, Guruji had a long standing live-in relationship and hence can share you few of his experiences here that you might find helpful. He had learned one important lesson from this live-in relationship where he shared his bed and blood with few bedbugs - that nobody has accountability here which is both good and bad. Good because you could eradicate your live-in partner(s) anytime without having any legal hassles or guilty consciousness. Bad because your priorities will never match, say when Guruji wanted to sleep, the live-ins had other agenda, like breeding or sucking his blood out. Overall, it wasn’t very comfortable he would say. Hence Guruji advises you to take a well thought out decision weighing pros and cons rather than following your boyfriend's libidinous plans blindly.

[Q] Sudheer asks - Guruji, I think our prime ministerial aspirants are crossing the line of dignity lately. Is it not bad for the country’s future?

[A] Guruji -  No my son, not at all. Guruji see it as a big positive sign if they are crossing the line of dignity, as from where they are today, they can only cross over to the better side.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I heard that spiritual gurus like you can perform miracles like converting sheep into wolf and vice versa. How do you do it?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing impossible for a soul that achieved self realization and nirvana. However, we spiritual gurus never convert wolf into sheep because such an act is against the laws of nature and will be a threat to the ecosystem and human society itself. Such deeds and black magics are done by evil forces such as national media. However we spiritual gurus occasionally convert many a disciple into a mule though, to demonstrate the divine powers bestowed upon us, and mules unlike wolves are harmless (and more importantly) feckless than any other species on earth.

[Q] Madhuri asks - Guruji, you have more male disciples or female disciples?

[A] Guruji - Madhuri dear, for a spiritual guru all his disciples are equal, s/he shall not differentiate or count them differently. Hence Guruji has never taken such a census or tried to classify or differentiate his disciples based on caste, creed, nationality,age group or financial status, let alone gender. His 2167 twenty-something female disciples will concur him on this. And he must tell you that that number doesn't include you who belong to the 9208 middle-aged, upper-middle class male disciples who are obsessed with their Bollywood heartthrobs and go by their identity online.

Ok children, time for us to part. Guruji will meet you here again same day, same time next week, unless the 2167 has another agenda for him on the same day, same time.

Guruji Speaks-Self Realization

[Editor- This edition onward Guruji's weekly enlightenment column will be titled "Guruji Speaks" as Maa Purba had advised Guruji to do so for numerological reasons.]

Ladies, Gentlemen and CBI officials,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your questions.

[Q] Shanti asks from Shantiniketan - Guruji, I read in one of your books that to take up a spiritual path in life and become a spiritual mentor, one has to achieve “self-realization”. What is this self-realization and how will one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shanti, you have read the right book(unless it was a pirated copy picked up from the foot-path) and read it right as well. Self-realization is the biggest factor what leads one to the path of spirituality, apart from his/her criminal background that s/he want to cover up of course. It is the realization that you are good for nothing else.

[Q] Anonymous asks from New Delhi - Your Holiness, a top government official recently made a controversial remark by using an analogy “…it is like if you can’t prevent rape enjoy it” while talking about legalizing betting in Cricket. I would like to know whether a) Was this the right analogy to use in that situation? b) If not what was the right one there? and c) What is the correct place to use the said rape analogy?

[A] Guruji - Son Anonymous, if you ask questions in such parliamentary language, your anonymity will wither away. Now coming to your question, answer to a) Is no, this wasn't the right analogy in that situation b) The correct one on Cricket bettors would have been "If you can't screw’em, join them" and c) The analogy used by the official will only suite when we are talking about speeches of prime ministerial aspirants.

[Q] Sam asks- Mr.Guruji, you have mentioned many times in recent past that building statues of political leaders is the one stop solution for all the problems faced by our country. Isn’t this promoting superstition, idol worship etc? How is it possible that a statue can bring prosperity to a country?

[A] Guruji- Son Sam, Guruji’s is not a superstitious theory, instead it is based on experiments and socio-political analysis that Guruji had been conducting for a while now. His finding is that an average concrete or metal statue has got a much better brain and heart than the incumbent/aspirant leadership the country has.

[Q] Pandit Pushkara asks -. Guruji Mahoday, I am an astrologer by profession. Now that India is sending a satellite to Mars or Mangal Graha, will that have any influence on that planet’s  GOCHARA  and thus the astrological dimensions associated with it ?

[A] Guruji -Son, Guruji conducted a detailed “PRASHNA” on this subject as the space agency’s top management itself had such worries and they personally asked Guruji’s advice before taking the decision to send the satellite on 5th of November. They were worried whether the satellite will be a MANGLIK and crash land in Indian Ocean due to being positioned in 5th HOUSE. Fortunately, Guruji’s PRASHNA shows that neither mangal graha, nor the satellite are going to be influenced astrologically because, the only thing that can ever get influenced astrologically is the astrologers bank account.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as his day’s karmas, darshans and market facing kriyas are to be completed. We shall meet here again next week unless Guruji gets a priority boarding call from the heavens. May his blessings be with you all(except those into statue building or are justifying it in TV)

Guruji's Column - Part 18

Ladies, Gentlemen and PM-aspirants,

We are glad to announce that Guruji has kindly agreed to spare an hour with you this weekend in spite of his busy weekend schedule chasing the rats out of his car hood. He has arrived on the dais, let us get started.

[Q] Juhi asks - Guruji, many researchers say that women got better multi-tasking skills than men. Why?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, this is true and can mainly be attributed to the division of labour existed between the two genders in the initial days of humanity. Ancient men were focusing single-mindedly on killing wild boars while women had to cook, rear kids and watch their rear from bear attacks simultaneously. Even in the modern day life, things didn’t change much. Manicuring while making sure the banana-egg yolk facial mask doesn't fall-off when you are microwaving yesterday's curry for lunch and also parallely sharing postnatal weight gain concerns with your friend over phone, all these when counting the number of pressure-cooker whistles is a job that demands tremendous multi-tasking skills while changing the channels on a remote doesn’t demand not only multi-tasking, but no particular skills at all.

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between a brand ambassador and a model ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, it is the same between a mistress and a hooker, tenure and commitment levels differ slightly, though the service done is same.

[Q] Max asks - Your Holiness, you take vibhuti out of thin air and distribute during your darshans. Now that prices are shooting up, can you fetch us some onions instead this season?

[A] Guruji - Son, one must understand that a spiritual guru will not and shall not use his powers to fulfill his disciples’ material desires. Vibhuti or sacred-ash is something spiritualistic, something holy that is food for one’s soul and not for the physical body. Hence Guruji may be using his powers to fetch vibhuti out of cosmic space but will not for fetching onions or petrol. Moreover, holding a kilo of onion will make his holy armpits smelly and heavy compared to a few grams of vibhuti.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, how do you compare deep religious faith and religious fundamentalism?

[A] Guruji - He would compare them like a cracker maker and a bomb manufacturer - Though the basic ingredients used are same, the former only uses them to pollute the environment with some sound and smoke while the latter uses them to blow-off your bottom.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness,  you have done many eternal travels and have been to heaven and hell multiple times. What is the  main difference between life in both these places?

[A] Guruji - Son, the only difference is that in hell banks levy interest on loans and pay interest on savings while in heaven it is the other way.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, are you saying that life on earth is same as in hell?

[A] Guruji - No son, there is one big difference, out there you don’t have to elect someone to eat your own tax money as you are already dead.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now. We shall meet again next week unless the cholesterol gods doesn’t demand Guruji to leave his current incarnation and take birth as a wild boar .

Guruji's Column - Part 17

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples of all spiritual gurus,

Guruji is back in his Ashram, he will address your concerns now, let us get started.

[Q] Mahesh asks  - Your Holiness, a recent global survey says India has more slaves than any other parts of the world. What does it indicate?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, it indicates that we have a bigger voting population than other parts of the world.

[Q] Anonymous asks from Mumbail - Guru, I have spent 12 years in jail for cheating my investors, and have now came out. Now I am a changed individual and want to do something good for the society. Can you please advise me?

[A] Guruji - Son, If you want to do something good for the society, Guruji advise you to take up social service by joining a political party or religious group. This way you will soon get to go back to the jail and that will be the best thing you can do to the society - to stay away from it.

[Q] Sam asks  - Mr. Guruji, recently a spiritual guru had a vision that there is gold underneath a temple and archaeology department is now digging there. Were you ever had such dreams?

[A] Guruji - No son, but he will soon have one, when his paddy fields are coming up for plowing.

[Q] Aruna asks - Guruji, more and more men are turning to getting a ‘face-lift’ with cosmetic surgeries, fairness creams etc. Does that indicate a changing male mindset?

[A] Guruji - No Aruna, it only indicates that men are a lot dumber than you originally thought.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you were not in Ashram last week and hasn’t given us darshan. Were you on a pilgrimage ?

[A] Guruji - No son, he was on a mission to help an aspirant politician who is an ardent disciple of his, to teach him facial yoga techniques to bring more innocence to his otherwise woolfy face, as elections are on the way in his part of the world. However Guruji has failed in this mission and has now sought some direct divine intervention to help him.

[Q] Juhi asks from Juhu - Guruji, why they say diamonds are women's best friends?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, that’s because 'they' are into diamond business.

[Q] Anamika asks - Guruji, I recently broke with my boy friend over a petty fight. Now I repent it and want to get back to him. What is your advice to me?

[A] Guruji - Anamika dear, Guruji’s advise to you is not to use this spiritual forum as an alternative to your kinky, stupid tabloid q&a columns.

[Q] Prem asks - Guruji, right-wing extremism or left-wing extremism more desirable for a society like ours?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a society like ours, water closets for everybody is more desirable.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now as he is feeling lazy on a cool sunday morning to operate the computer any further. See you all next week if his Bangalore airport taxi rides this week don’t take him to the heavens.

Guruji's Column - Part 14

Ladies, gentlemen and Guruji’s disciples,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy - he mean binge - weekend for you, so let us get started.

[Q] Padma asks from Chennai - Guruji, recently an Indian-origin girl won Miss USA title. Do you see a changing world order on the way here?

[A] Guruji - No Padma, instead he see a handful of Bollywood flops on the way.

[Q]  Saleem asks Salem -  Guruji,  most religions promote Creationism, but science teaches us the theory of Evolution.  Which is correct?

[A] Guruji - Son,  both the theories are talking about the origin of man ( Let's talk about women in another more private a forum). The only difference between these two theories is on whether we evolved from god or monkeys. Behavioural studies show that the monkey theory is correct. But the most important thing here is that we evolved from somewhere and did not fell of the sky one day, like the BJP spokeswomen in TV.

[Q] Sunil asks - How come we Indians never did any groundbreaking inventions like Westerners or Japanese?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is because we are the only people who realized the value of unbroken ground in real-estate market.

[Q] Chottu asks from Chota Nagar  - Guruji, why do Congress leaders prefer to wear khadi?

[A] Guruji - For the same reason why supermodels wear high-heels; they think it makes them look more sexy.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, what is the difference between spirituality business and other businesses?

[A] Guruji - Sam son, in other businesses it is ethical to be unethical while here it is unethical to be ethical.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I am a 22 year old P.G student, one of our neighborhood uncles is trying to be friendly with me of late. I somehow feel his intentions are not all that good. But I’m not sure. Can you use your spiritual powers and find out whether his objectives are wicked or not?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Smitha, you need no spiritual powers here, just offer him a scooter ride one day, his ununcleness will come out in some form or another. And don't forget to offer him a good elbow as well in that case, to mark your respect to the erstwhile uncle. 

[Q] Juhi from Juhu asks - Guruji, both men and women eat the same kind of food, yet men are physically stronger than women. Why ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi dear, this happens because of one big difference in their eating habits - Men like to eat and will, while women like to eat, but won't. 

- End -

Guruji's Column - Part 13

Hello Children,

Guruji has very less time today as he has a bookshelf to clean off, of a few centuries of dust. Let’s get started quickly.

[Q] Amrita asks from Maharashtra - Mahatma, I need your advice as a yoga guru. I am only 35 and my hair is graying. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Allow it to.

[Q] Amrita asks from Mumbai - But Mahatma, I want to look ..

[A] Guruji - Next question please..

[Q] Amrita asks from Bandra West - Mr.Guruji, you are being rude to a wom..

[A] Guruji - Dear Amrita, Guruji is not only a sage, but also sane. Don't try to defy time, use it for better things like gardening, gossiping etc.

[Q] Gopal asks - Gurudev, you are a yugpurush, have seen many centuries. Was Kalidasa originally a fool who cut the branch he was sitting on?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is just a myth. However, the credit of “cutting the branch he was sitting on” can be attributed to another wise man, his name is Gregor Mendel.

[Q] Savita asks from Kolhapur - Gurudev, my mother in law thinks my star sign is not good,else my husband would have won lottery after marrying me. Is it correct? Do celestial bodies influence personalities?

[A] Guruji - Savita dear, of course celestial bodies impact human lives in a big way as our ancient gurus and astrologers taught us. In your very case, lunar influence answers your lunatic mother-in-law.

[Q] Leela asks from Sunnyvale -  Guruji, my husband works as a software professional.  Of late, he wakes up at night and screams 'startup!'. I interprets it as a call for ..you know what..and start preparing, but then realize he has gone back to sleep again. Why does he do it? Should I consult a psychiatrist?

[A] Guruji - Leela, you may consult a psychiatrist if he/she happens to be a good plumber as well, to get your damaged wc flush repaired. Nothing to worry about your husband, his is a simple problem (than a broken flush), found commonly among middle-aged software professionals. Some people call it “mid-life crisis” etc, caused by a combination of greed and peer-pressure. He will be alright after a while when he see his entrepreneur friends returning to work after going bankrupt.

[Q] Karan asks from Karanpur - Guruji, I have recently watched a Bollywood movie in which there is a song which goes “Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..”. What is the maamala and how should I go about settling it?

[A] Guruji - Karan son, to settle it Guruji would advise you to go meet a good mechanic, to find out which nut of yours has gone loose, making you watch such movies.

Ok children, Guruji got to go now, may his blessings and sneezings be with you all while he clean the cupboard.

Guruji's Column - Part 12

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples,

Though Guruji is on a pilgrimage to the holy islands of The Bahamas, where he launder his holy vestments and investments, he has kindly set aside an hour during the flight for his pupil, here are his answers to your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Swami, I am an ardent follower of yours, also the finance minister of a third world country. Recently the value of our currency started falling badly. Though I and my government issued assurances that it’s only the currency value that has fallen, people could still use coins, cheques or credit cards, the stupid opposition is demanding my resignation. What should I do now? Please advise.

[A] Guruji - Makane Anonymous, tell your opposition that a country where there is no value for human life itself, value of the currency is not a big deal. They will understand.

[Q] Prof. Sharma asks from Kanpur - Gurudev, One more Teacher’s Day went by. We teachers are doing one of the most important jobs in the world - of creating tomorrow’s engineers, doctors and scientists. Yet some other mediocre professionals like movie actors are paid far higher than us. What do you as a philosopher deduce from this anomaly ?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduce from this that jealousy is a disease incurable.

Q. Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, there are allegations(see here) that you are a fake spiritual guru. What do you have to say about this?

[A] Guruji - Son Sam, this is absolutely baseless. There are no real or fake spiritual gurus, there are only spiritual gurus.

[Q] Nilima asks Noida - Guruji, ours is a small middle class family of four. My husband now wants to buy a pricey SUV for no reason. We already have a small car and moreover a mortgage to deal with. How I can persuade him to not buy this SUV?

[A] Guruji - Dear Nilima, for a man, his car is a treasured commodity, like a bone for a dog or a nut for a squirrel. It is something that will keeps him motivated, thrilled and bemused. Hence it will be a daunting task persuade him. Here are two ways you can do it - One, by statistically(and logically) proving how uneconomical and inessential it is for you at the moment, especially in the wake of mortgage, rising fuel prices, tax hikes, garage space constraints, small family size, lack of off-roading needs etc. This may not workout as arguing logically with a man is like escorting a woman to shopping; frustrating, futile and waste of time. Hence the option for you is to trap him in an emotional-atyachar scenario using your spousal powers, by reminding him of few forthcoming obligations such as daughter’s wedding, grocery shopping etc.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, lately many of your fellow spiritual leaders and gurus are caught for rape, torture and similar offences. What is your explanation for this?

[A] Guruji - ..that every society gets the leaders they deserve.

[Q] Ahalya asks from Ahmedabad - Guruji, my problem is my teenage daughter. She has no interest in her studies or any extra curricular activities. All the time she wants to spend chatting on the internet or mobile phone and polishing her nails. In short my daughter is growing up as a good-for-nothing person. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Send her to Bollywood.

Ok children, time has come for Guruji to leave, he will meet you right here, same time next week, if he hasn’t been knocked down by a state transport bus that is.

Guruji's Column - Part 11

Guruji's disciples, ladies and gentlemen,

Guruji is here with you now, as none of his molestation, land grabbing, cheating cases are up for hearing today. Let us get started.

[Q] Gurpreet from Patiala asks - Guruji, they say men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Is it true? if not where are they from?

[A] Guruji - Gurpreet, this is just a metaphor used by some authors to depict the psychological differences between men and women. In real life this is not true. The truth is that men are from sales and women are from marketing.

[Q] Shaila asks from Mysore - Guruji, we are constructing  a new house soon. Where should it be facing?

[A] Guruji - Shaila, it should be soon facing sand shortage.

[Q] Mathew asks from Bangalore - Guruji, what is the difference between a hooch and a microbrewery?

[A] Guruji -  Mathew, only that the latter tear your pocket but spare your eyesight.

[Q] Keerthi asks from Singapore - Your Holiness, I am a 28 yr old, good-looking, successful, single, HR professional. My problem is that all my male colleagues are nuts who are trying to flirt with me by greeting me or smiling at me when meeting face to face. What should I do in this situation?

[A] Guruji - Keerthi dear, if someone known to you greet you or smile at you, it shouldn’t be interpreted as flirting - unless both of the above are followed by a wink, an attempted physical contact or the guy is a middle-aged frastru. Biologically, a normal man hanker for a woman when his brain recognizes her as someone who can bear his offsprings. Guruji assure you that your male colleagues are not trying to flirt with you but just trying to be cordial, because none of them - unless they are real nuts  - want to have you with this kind of a haughty, egoistic attitude bare their children.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I just came to know that my fiancé is a karate expert when she demonstrated a knife-hand strike to me. Can you read her mind and tell me what she meant by this demo please?

[A] Guruji -  Son, as he mentioned in this space before, Guruji will not use his extrasensory powers to infringe into somebody’s privacy, unless of course it gives him sensual or monetary satisfactions. But he will spare some of his commonsensical powers here to help you; she was giving you a sneak preview; into the times ahead. 

[Q] Sanjay asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, I am a sales executive in a multi-national company. My problem is my numskull supervisor. He thinks I don’t provide him any information timely and constantly harass me on this in review meetings. I am highly demotivated to work now, what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, managers feel their subordinates are withholding information from them when they are not copied in the e-mails exchanged with customers. So hereafter, always forward any e-mails exchanged with your customers to your manager as well, with a note - “F.Y.I”, managers (globally) think this stands for “For Your Information”, but the real expansion of it is - “F#&k You Idiot”. Guruji guarantee that you will become such a motivated person that you will wait for an opportunity to keep your manager “informed” and thus happy.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he is shifting his ashram to another city for few months because of his decreasing number of disciples and increasing number of creditors here. However he will continue to converse with you as he is omnipresent, wherever there is data network he mean.

Guruji's Column - Part 9

Gruffladies and Gentlemen,

Guruji has arrived on the dais now, let us get started with your questions.

[Q] Savita asks from Bangalore - Guruji, in this 21st century also there are a lot of people out there who are  superstitious, ultra-religious and intolerant. Why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Savita, it is because there still are a lot of 20th century born airheads and their offsprings out there.

[Q] Gopal asks  - Guruji, you have been living in this world for many centuries and have seen many emperors, kings and now democratically elected governments. What in your observation are the main differences between then and now?

[A] Guruji - Only one my son, back then the capitals had better sewage.

[Q] Lata asks from Latur - Your Holiness, why does it always have to be the woman who pays for marriage and the life thereafter in this country? Will it ever change?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, it is a fact that we lost more women to marriages than all other calamities put together. Women’s organizations and social leaders like Guruji have been fighting for independence and self-sustenance of women for many decades. We have won a landmark achievement about a decade ago by getting women the right to control the remote during prime-time serial hours. Such changes now are also spreading to other important social aspects such as mobile phone consumption, L-board driving, cosmetic-spending etc as well. Guruji foresee that awakening of women in this country is inevitable and is happening already.

[Q]Max asks - Mr.Guruji, why many of you spiritual gurus including yourself keep multiple “Shri”s in front of your name ?

[A] Guruji - We originally wanted to keep multiple Sthris, but since that could invite legal and other hassles, we decided to settle for Shris. 

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between Eau de Cologne and Eau de Toilette ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, though this question is not a spiritually pertinent one, but because this is a question that has been troubling many people for years, Guruji The Sarvajña will answer it here. In Osmology, these are two different fragrances of aromatic compounds, classified based on their scent in comparison with that of two spots. In French, “cologne” stands for colon and “Toilette” is a water-closet. “Eau de” can be translated roughly to “Your damn” in English.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now, to handle a mid-month crisis - of his creditors and suppliers knocking his door on the Sunday morning.

Guruji's Column - Part 8

Hello Children,

Let us get started with the questions right away as Guruji is in a hurry, not because he has a busy day ahead as you thought wrongly, but because he is having a limited internet access due to non-payment of monthly phone bill.

 [Q] Mahesh asks from Mahim - Guruji, my credit card company sends me an automated birthday wishes every year on my birthday. We all know that a computer generated birthday wishes can never make a person feel happy. Why then are they still doing this?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, there are two parts to the answer here (like the answers in the corporate world). Firstly, credit card company sends it not to wish you but to remind you that though you are getting older and wiser, you still owe them a lot and they are still watching you. The second part is that a person - as long as s/he is a human - can never be made happy with anything, let alone sending greetings. Even if your credit card company employ your Bollywood dreamgirl to send the greetings handwritten with her fresh lipstick on it too it is not going to make you happy because you will then complain that the woman wasn’t sent along in flesh and blood(well..mostly in flesh because we are talking Bollywood girls here). Hence Guruji’s advice to you is to use the card responsibly, and don’t try to give too much thoughts into such things.

[Q] Nalini from Chennai asks -  Guru, should an honest, responsible person like me use modern technology like smart phones, because they also help many a criminal these days. Aren’t they evil ?

[A] Guruji - No dear, it’s not the smart phones that are evil. In Guruji’s experience with them, most of the time it is the operating system that runs it evil.

[Q] Pinky asks from Pimpri -  Your holiness, most of the modern day spiritual leaders and gurus have Facebook accounts, but you don’t have one. Why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Pinky, Guruji doesn’t like to like what he doesn’t like.

[Q] Gopal asks - Guruji, last week you said that you are taking up a very long journey in search of truth. But you are back now. Did you find the truth ? If so where did you find it?

[A] Guruji - Yes Gopal, he found it in his wallet.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, I have listened to a few sermons of yours in recent past. Never you take up issues that are affecting our society such as political wrongdoings, atrocities in the name of religion, majority, minority etc. Isn’t that what a true Guru should try to resolve with his spiritual powers and influence? Why can’t you take up things that are more socially impacting than personal grievances and marital issues?

[A] Guruji - Son, everyone got her/his Karma and you should focus only on the Karma that the almighty has assigned to you. Guruji is also doing exactly that. Right now his karma is to crack mediocre jokes and enjoy his calvados while the rich and the powerful burn the bottom of many a poor fellow being. What our mythology teach us also is the same, that one must not deviate from the path of Karma until someone come scorching her/his own bottom.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go. He will be back with you next week, unless his present incarnation reaches it’s expiry date by then.

Guruji's column - Part 2

Hello Children!

Guruji needs no introduction, especially when there is not enough screen real-estate to introduce. Hence he will directly start addressing your questions this time.

[Q] Deepthi asks from Delhi- Guruji, when I call the customer care of my credit card company to get some wrongful debits corrected, they keep saying “your call is important to us” but never picks my call. Why do they do this? I’m sick and tired. If I’m important to them, why are they not picking my call?

[A] Guruji:- Deepthi dear, Guruji see frustration in your words, a very bad trait for one to have indeed. Frustration leads one to many a misdemeanour. In such situations, you can chant the following Guruji-mantra 101 times (visualize the customer support persons in front of you when doing so) - “Oh dear unprocreated, art thou dunderhead? Ye bombaclats, thou shalt be reborn unseeded mules”. Your frustrations will recede and you will feel a lot better.

[Q] Nikhil from Doom School asks - Sir, I’m a highschool student, my ambition is to study well, get a good degree and take up a job where I can serve the society . Can you suggest how should I proceed?

[A] Guruji:- Nikhil bete, firstly never address your spiritual guru ‘sir’, like you do to your school teachers as he is much above them, in terms of beard length he mean. Coming to your doubt, One can never have a good degree, yet do things useful to the society. If you attain a high degree, you will end up working for the tax evading private sector / tax sucking public sector or as a middle agent of both, that we call a “financial institution”. Best thing to do if you want to serve the society is to stop studying, take up a job with the municipal cleaning department, they serve the society better than anybody else.

[Q] Varkey asks from Varkala - Swamiji, why no marriage for you spiritual gurus?

[A] Guruji:- Makane Vakrey, with Guruji’s sixth sense he sees what you are hinting at. The answer is a simple law of the nature - that a river fish never likes to be an aquarium fish.

[Q] Pandit Pandurang asks from Pandavapura -  Mahatman, I'm an astrologer, I  make a living by selling yantras, birth stones etc. Though I’m in this eternal business for a while now, god hasn’t been very kind to me as I still am not getting enough business to buy even a meager Rolls-Royce that I want. What should I do ?

[A] Guruji:- Pandurang, don’t blame god for your unfulfilled desires, blame Rolls-Royce instead, for not making bicycles. And keep serving your customers, you have Guruji’s words that your business will prosper. There is no shortage of imbeciles in this world my son.

[Q] Amar from Ghatkopar asks - Guruji, I work for a bank, in the loans department to be precise. My question is, for a religious person like me, is it a sin to have interest put on my customers?

[A] Guruji:- Son, be specific, Guruji needs to know your orientation and marital status to decide whether the interest that you have on the customers is sinful or not.

Ok children, Guruji is in a different timezone and its time for him to retire to his sleeping chamber, may Guruji's blessings be with you, till you bathe it off.

Human supremacy theory - nonsenseablity guaranteed

Sociologists, anthropologists and behavioural scientists(trust me, there exists one such group of people) always debated on whether humans are any different from rest of the animal kingdom, or are we just a bunch of bespectacled baboons. In my view, we are different. Now if you are into too much of biology and stuff and argue “I would have agreed if you and a rat had two different set of holes to eat and expel. We are no different you blockhead!”, its a good start because we now have something to debate on. And let me begin while you sit back, relax and enjoy the futile weekend hours reading this(frankly, if you weren’t my valuable reader, my question would have been, “seriously, don’t you have anything better to do?”) . Ok, back to the topic, I was trying to tell that we are significantly different from any other living being, no matter how you argue that we all share exactly the same basic biological needs of consumption and production of other living things and ultimately act as bacterial breeding grounds. Below are few of my postulates towards this human superiority theory, backed with strong scientific evidences obtained through years of research done by just living in this world.

In my view, the biggest factor that differentiates humans from other species is our ability to behave as utter idiots in spite of having a fairly good adaptation - a decent sized brain - that could be used rationally. For example, I’m sure a troop of chimps will chase away the alpha if he was found not fit for leading and is making a living by stealing others’ food. We on the other hand choose alphas with the said ‘qualities’ to lead us; all the time. Only a human leader can face both bribery, murder charges yet get elected by his fellow beings so that he can “serve” them. The point is, every species is good in using its adaptation for its own benefit, but we often don’t.

Lets look at another example. A rodent will never gnaw away the log on which it is floating while being washed away in a flood, because it knows the log is it’s only hope of survival and one shouldn’t be cutting down the branch he/she is sitting on. Look at us, we invest heavily in doing environmental studies and things like that, live for months together in the most extreme conditions like the outer space, polar regions etc studying how human actions are destroying the climatic conditions of our planet. Yet we cut down trees, build highways, chemical factories, nuclear plants and ultimately lit up our own bottoms in that process.

My third reason is this -  have you noticed people in villages keeping a pair of crow wings on a pole to scare away other crows from eating the grains up ? The psychology is that crows with a brain(however tiny that is) understand what their fate would be if they do the same mistake again. What about us? we hang many gruesome murders, rapists and publicize that news all over. Yet the number of murderers and rapists is increasing, not decreasing.

As I mentioned earlier in this era of TV experts, 3 arguments is a good enough number to conclude that a theory is correct, no matter whether there are 3000 other arguments against it. On a second thought, there are 5 arguments here in fact, 4th that I didn’t have the brain levels to think that somebody will actually read this, and even if they read it, will agree with me. 5th one of course is that inspite of having a hundred other good things to do, you spent time reading such nonsense.  Believe me, none of this will not happen in the animal world.

public static void culturalHeritage(Foolish args[]){ }

Sometimes I think scholars acquiring too much knowledge is also not good, like too much money in the hands of IPL stakeholders; they get carried away(In IPLs case, the money gets carried away as well). I just concluded reading a book on modern India and how we reached here etc by a very knowledgeable and well respected author. At one place he makes a remark which somewhat meant that Indians are good software developers today because of the “rich cultural heritage” of ours that made us good problem solvers. Now some of you might call it a joke, but I won't because then I will be disrespecting the jokers. To me, if this is true, Sillicon Valley would have been an Indus Valley in the past, and The Greeks would have shredded their R and be The Geeks by now. And as far as I know the ancient dwellers of California(coincidentally called Indians) built no cities, did no agriculture but lived like nomads and I’m yet to come across Greek equivalents of TCS or Infosys. But now that I’m stupid enough to question eminent historians, I’m obliged to give some answer on what I think makes us good software professionals, however absurd that argument may be.

But before I begin my alternative theory, I must ask one question, (primarily to myself) that “Since when are Indians GOOD software engineers, btw?”. We weren't’ at least till I left office last night. I mean we haven't conceived anything that is capable of replacing Unix, MS Windows, SAP,  Google or FaceBook as of last evening. Now your question to me would be "Moron, who do you think wrote all those code behind the said software products?", to which my answer would be that we generally don't give the credit of creating Taj Mahal to the masons who put the stones together but to Ahmad Lahauri(or whoever the chief architect was) and Shah Jahan. Ok, back to the topic - yet its a reality that there are more Indian software professionals than anybody else in the world, hence it still needs some explanation, unless you start an argument that “There are more Indian laborers in the Middle-East than anybody else, is that also due to the said rich heritage?”, in which case I will be forced to remind you not to bring in the poor when we are talking big time on rich cultural heritage and stuff. 

My reason number one for more Indians in the software world than anybody else - There are more Indians than anybody else; at least in the English speaking world. Now I don’t know the cultural heritage played a role in producing us in large numbers, but common sense tells me that it shouldn’t have. Those who know basic economics will know that supply and demand are two sides of the same double edged sword. Next, reason number two - I would give the credit not to the ancient scholars and gurus but your parents and my parents; the yesterday’s middle-class that included teachers, bank employees, small town merchants, government officials etc who insisted their children go to school, get English educated(and not Sanskrit and astrology as ancient scholars and their modern day scholarly avatars would recommend) , become engineers and ultimately get out of their head and stand on our own shoes(preferably a Nike or Adidas one). 

Now to my third reason - those knowing basic human behaviour will know the meaning of “bandwagon effect”. If somebody take a survey among software developers from India on how many of them turned to software development because their college senior / neighbour / friend / cousin who is now a ‘green card holder’ influenced them, I’m sure they will find that its a much bigger number than those who pursued it because they come from a rich cultural background. Now if this is not a good enough reason and if we still stick to the rich heritage reasoning, I would say then the rich heritage is also the reason why there are a large number of Marwari tradesmen from Rajastan in south India, and also why there is a large number of nursing professionals from central Travencore Christian community.

Now that three arguments is a good enough number to start a debate on a topic, I’ll stop there and let you make your conclusions on whether it was worth reading some random aahoo bitching against eminent historians with pathetic anecdotal evidences or continue to agree with the scholars that there is something called rich cultural heritage that makes us the best human beings that ever walked on this planet - mostly barefoot, as the rich cultural heritage hasn't been very successful in making footwear affordable to most of us; yet.