Guruji's Column - Part 18

Ladies, Gentlemen and PM-aspirants,

We are glad to announce that Guruji has kindly agreed to spare an hour with you this weekend in spite of his busy weekend schedule chasing the rats out of his car hood. He has arrived on the dais, let us get started.

[Q] Juhi asks - Guruji, many researchers say that women got better multi-tasking skills than men. Why?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, this is true and can mainly be attributed to the division of labour existed between the two genders in the initial days of humanity. Ancient men were focusing single-mindedly on killing wild boars while women had to cook, rear kids and watch their rear from bear attacks simultaneously. Even in the modern day life, things didn’t change much. Manicuring while making sure the banana-egg yolk facial mask doesn't fall-off when you are microwaving yesterday's curry for lunch and also parallely sharing postnatal weight gain concerns with your friend over phone, all these when counting the number of pressure-cooker whistles is a job that demands tremendous multi-tasking skills while changing the channels on a remote doesn’t demand not only multi-tasking, but no particular skills at all.

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between a brand ambassador and a model ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, it is the same between a mistress and a hooker, tenure and commitment levels differ slightly, though the service done is same.

[Q] Max asks - Your Holiness, you take vibhuti out of thin air and distribute during your darshans. Now that prices are shooting up, can you fetch us some onions instead this season?

[A] Guruji - Son, one must understand that a spiritual guru will not and shall not use his powers to fulfill his disciples’ material desires. Vibhuti or sacred-ash is something spiritualistic, something holy that is food for one’s soul and not for the physical body. Hence Guruji may be using his powers to fetch vibhuti out of cosmic space but will not for fetching onions or petrol. Moreover, holding a kilo of onion will make his holy armpits smelly and heavy compared to a few grams of vibhuti.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, how do you compare deep religious faith and religious fundamentalism?

[A] Guruji - He would compare them like a cracker maker and a bomb manufacturer - Though the basic ingredients used are same, the former only uses them to pollute the environment with some sound and smoke while the latter uses them to blow-off your bottom.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness,  you have done many eternal travels and have been to heaven and hell multiple times. What is the  main difference between life in both these places?

[A] Guruji - Son, the only difference is that in hell banks levy interest on loans and pay interest on savings while in heaven it is the other way.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, are you saying that life on earth is same as in hell?

[A] Guruji - No son, there is one big difference, out there you don’t have to elect someone to eat your own tax money as you are already dead.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now. We shall meet again next week unless the cholesterol gods doesn’t demand Guruji to leave his current incarnation and take birth as a wild boar .

Guruji's Column - Part 17

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples of all spiritual gurus,

Guruji is back in his Ashram, he will address your concerns now, let us get started.

[Q] Mahesh asks  - Your Holiness, a recent global survey says India has more slaves than any other parts of the world. What does it indicate?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, it indicates that we have a bigger voting population than other parts of the world.

[Q] Anonymous asks from Mumbail - Guru, I have spent 12 years in jail for cheating my investors, and have now came out. Now I am a changed individual and want to do something good for the society. Can you please advise me?

[A] Guruji - Son, If you want to do something good for the society, Guruji advise you to take up social service by joining a political party or religious group. This way you will soon get to go back to the jail and that will be the best thing you can do to the society - to stay away from it.

[Q] Sam asks  - Mr. Guruji, recently a spiritual guru had a vision that there is gold underneath a temple and archaeology department is now digging there. Were you ever had such dreams?

[A] Guruji - No son, but he will soon have one, when his paddy fields are coming up for plowing.

[Q] Aruna asks - Guruji, more and more men are turning to getting a ‘face-lift’ with cosmetic surgeries, fairness creams etc. Does that indicate a changing male mindset?

[A] Guruji - No Aruna, it only indicates that men are a lot dumber than you originally thought.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you were not in Ashram last week and hasn’t given us darshan. Were you on a pilgrimage ?

[A] Guruji - No son, he was on a mission to help an aspirant politician who is an ardent disciple of his, to teach him facial yoga techniques to bring more innocence to his otherwise woolfy face, as elections are on the way in his part of the world. However Guruji has failed in this mission and has now sought some direct divine intervention to help him.

[Q] Juhi asks from Juhu - Guruji, why they say diamonds are women's best friends?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, that’s because 'they' are into diamond business.

[Q] Anamika asks - Guruji, I recently broke with my boy friend over a petty fight. Now I repent it and want to get back to him. What is your advice to me?

[A] Guruji - Anamika dear, Guruji’s advise to you is not to use this spiritual forum as an alternative to your kinky, stupid tabloid q&a columns.

[Q] Prem asks - Guruji, right-wing extremism or left-wing extremism more desirable for a society like ours?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a society like ours, water closets for everybody is more desirable.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now as he is feeling lazy on a cool sunday morning to operate the computer any further. See you all next week if his Bangalore airport taxi rides this week don’t take him to the heavens.

Guruji's Column - Part 16

Ladies, Gentlemen and Disciples,

Guruji is here with you, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, what keeps you motivated?

[A] Guruji - Son, it’s his deep faith, his belief, his optimism that keeps Guruji motivated to continue with his karma - his faith that one day god will take birth on earth and save mankind from all our perils and agonies by eliminating poverty, inequality and Bangalore motor-bikers.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, for a layman, what is the difference between an astronomy and astrology?

[A] Guruji - It is the same between a dentist and a tooth fairy for a person with dental caries.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Gurudev, I am a successful businessman and also an ardent follower of yours, if your holiness recollect I wiped your holy bottom the maximum during the last looseness season. My problem is, on my way to success and richness, I did many wrong doings, I have bribed many officials to get things done my way, evaded tax, illegally mined raw materials, encroached public land and what not. But now I repent about it and fear about what punishment awaits me when I die?

[A] Guruji - Son, don't worry, continue doing the good deeds you mentioned, especially the wiping part, you may extend it to other needy people such as godmen and politicians too. And as a reward for your services, Guruji shall recommend you posthumously for the post of chairman of Board of Control for Cricket in Hell.

[Q] Amruta asks - Your Holiness, A colleague recently told me that she is 'spiritual but not religious' . What does it mean?

[A] Guruji - Amruta, it means she is drunk but not zonked.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, whenever a movie or a painting or a caricature is published with religious figures being the subject, there will be some or other group coming out demanding “this should be banned because it hurts religious sentiments”. What exactly is religious “sentiments”, why does it get hurt so fast?

[A] Guruji - Kumar, in a deeply religious society like ours, religious sentiment is something almost inborn in every one of us, just like how rhinos have their - ok, let us not talk about rhinos as it might hurt someone's religious sentiments somewhere - bulls have their balls. So you can see that the bull will bellow when someone hurt it’s vitals. 

[Q] Kumar asks - ..but Guruji, my question was about religious sentiments and not bull-vitals..

[A] Guruji - Son, the membrane between them is very thin.

[Q] Chottu asks- Guruji uncle, chicken or egg, which came first and why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, it's chicken that came first, because egg took time to boil, cool and peel.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, even today there are a lot of people who can be fooled with magic-healing and things like that. Who should be held responsible for misleading people in this fashion ? Religions? Spiritual leaders? Politicians? education system?

[A] Guruji - Max son, the one person responsible for all this is mother nature, as she couldn’t keep up with the promise of evolution of human brain.

- End -

Guruji's Column - Part 15

Hello Children,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, he will answer your questions now,

[Q] Urmila asks - Guruji, recently a spiritual leader said that if a woman address her rapist “Bhaiya” he will spare her. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Of course Urmila dear, with such an emotional plea, any rapist will be forced to spare the girl if she do so, only thing she needs to ensure alongside is to grapple his nutsack such that his bhaiyahood spills out. And by ‘his’ Guruji mean the rapist’s or the spiritual leader’s if they are the same.

[Q] Sarala asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, Indian made children’s cartoons are becoming popular these days. I think they will help teaching our kids about true Indian values and virtues. What do you think?

[A] Guruji - He is thinking since when is plagiarism considered a virtue?

[Q] Anita asks from Allahabad - Your holiness, I am a homemaker and during my leisure time I like watching TV. Is it a sin watching TV ?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Anita, not at all. Watching TV is not a sin, if it gives you some relaxation. Switching it on is a cardinal sin though, chances are that you will be reborn a langur.

[Q] Tarun asks - Guruji, I am in love with a girl in my office, I have tried many ways to impress her including (but not limited to) cracking jokes in her presence, singing in the annual day, having Justin Bieber hairdo and stuff like that. But none of them seems to have worked so far. Can you please read her mind with your powers and let me know what I should do to win her heart ?

[A] Guruji - Son, without even reading her mind, Guruji can tell you that the girl thinks the stuff you have done - especially the hairdo part - are worse than a male hippo’s courtship behaviour. Guruji advises you to register with MoronMatrimony.com and wait for a girl of your cast and creed to come through.

[Q] Biplab asks from Kolkata - Guruji, why do most Indian spiritual gurus wear a ‘bindi’ on the forehead like women?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a woman, a bindi is considered a thing of beauty. We spiritual gurus are under no such hallucination that it can make us look beautiful, except when we are smoking pot we mean. We wear it to mark the blind spot in our frontal lobe.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, you claims to be possessing a lot of supernatural powers such as levitation capabilities. What stops you from performing it in public to demonstrate your powers then ?

[A] Guruji - Gravity.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he has to lent his holy bottom to a prime minister-in-waiting waiting to pay homage to it.

Guruji's Column - Part 14

Ladies, gentlemen and Guruji’s disciples,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy - he mean binge - weekend for you, so let us get started.

[Q] Padma asks from Chennai - Guruji, recently an Indian-origin girl won Miss USA title. Do you see a changing world order on the way here?

[A] Guruji - No Padma, instead he see a handful of Bollywood flops on the way.

[Q]  Saleem asks Salem -  Guruji,  most religions promote Creationism, but science teaches us the theory of Evolution.  Which is correct?

[A] Guruji - Son,  both the theories are talking about the origin of man ( Let's talk about women in another more private a forum). The only difference between these two theories is on whether we evolved from god or monkeys. Behavioural studies show that the monkey theory is correct. But the most important thing here is that we evolved from somewhere and did not fell of the sky one day, like the BJP spokeswomen in TV.

[Q] Sunil asks - How come we Indians never did any groundbreaking inventions like Westerners or Japanese?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is because we are the only people who realized the value of unbroken ground in real-estate market.

[Q] Chottu asks from Chota Nagar  - Guruji, why do Congress leaders prefer to wear khadi?

[A] Guruji - For the same reason why supermodels wear high-heels; they think it makes them look more sexy.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, what is the difference between spirituality business and other businesses?

[A] Guruji - Sam son, in other businesses it is ethical to be unethical while here it is unethical to be ethical.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I am a 22 year old P.G student, one of our neighborhood uncles is trying to be friendly with me of late. I somehow feel his intentions are not all that good. But I’m not sure. Can you use your spiritual powers and find out whether his objectives are wicked or not?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Smitha, you need no spiritual powers here, just offer him a scooter ride one day, his ununcleness will come out in some form or another. And don't forget to offer him a good elbow as well in that case, to mark your respect to the erstwhile uncle. 

[Q] Juhi from Juhu asks - Guruji, both men and women eat the same kind of food, yet men are physically stronger than women. Why ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi dear, this happens because of one big difference in their eating habits - Men like to eat and will, while women like to eat, but won't. 

- End -

Guruji's Column - Part 13

Hello Children,

Guruji has very less time today as he has a bookshelf to clean off, of a few centuries of dust. Let’s get started quickly.

[Q] Amrita asks from Maharashtra - Mahatma, I need your advice as a yoga guru. I am only 35 and my hair is graying. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Allow it to.

[Q] Amrita asks from Mumbai - But Mahatma, I want to look ..

[A] Guruji - Next question please..

[Q] Amrita asks from Bandra West - Mr.Guruji, you are being rude to a wom..

[A] Guruji - Dear Amrita, Guruji is not only a sage, but also sane. Don't try to defy time, use it for better things like gardening, gossiping etc.

[Q] Gopal asks - Gurudev, you are a yugpurush, have seen many centuries. Was Kalidasa originally a fool who cut the branch he was sitting on?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is just a myth. However, the credit of “cutting the branch he was sitting on” can be attributed to another wise man, his name is Gregor Mendel.

[Q] Savita asks from Kolhapur - Gurudev, my mother in law thinks my star sign is not good,else my husband would have won lottery after marrying me. Is it correct? Do celestial bodies influence personalities?

[A] Guruji - Savita dear, of course celestial bodies impact human lives in a big way as our ancient gurus and astrologers taught us. In your very case, lunar influence answers your lunatic mother-in-law.

[Q] Leela asks from Sunnyvale -  Guruji, my husband works as a software professional.  Of late, he wakes up at night and screams 'startup!'. I interprets it as a call for ..you know what..and start preparing, but then realize he has gone back to sleep again. Why does he do it? Should I consult a psychiatrist?

[A] Guruji - Leela, you may consult a psychiatrist if he/she happens to be a good plumber as well, to get your damaged wc flush repaired. Nothing to worry about your husband, his is a simple problem (than a broken flush), found commonly among middle-aged software professionals. Some people call it “mid-life crisis” etc, caused by a combination of greed and peer-pressure. He will be alright after a while when he see his entrepreneur friends returning to work after going bankrupt.

[Q] Karan asks from Karanpur - Guruji, I have recently watched a Bollywood movie in which there is a song which goes “Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..”. What is the maamala and how should I go about settling it?

[A] Guruji - Karan son, to settle it Guruji would advise you to go meet a good mechanic, to find out which nut of yours has gone loose, making you watch such movies.

Ok children, Guruji got to go now, may his blessings and sneezings be with you all while he clean the cupboard.

Guruji's Column - Part 12

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples,

Though Guruji is on a pilgrimage to the holy islands of The Bahamas, where he launder his holy vestments and investments, he has kindly set aside an hour during the flight for his pupil, here are his answers to your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Swami, I am an ardent follower of yours, also the finance minister of a third world country. Recently the value of our currency started falling badly. Though I and my government issued assurances that it’s only the currency value that has fallen, people could still use coins, cheques or credit cards, the stupid opposition is demanding my resignation. What should I do now? Please advise.

[A] Guruji - Makane Anonymous, tell your opposition that a country where there is no value for human life itself, value of the currency is not a big deal. They will understand.

[Q] Prof. Sharma asks from Kanpur - Gurudev, One more Teacher’s Day went by. We teachers are doing one of the most important jobs in the world - of creating tomorrow’s engineers, doctors and scientists. Yet some other mediocre professionals like movie actors are paid far higher than us. What do you as a philosopher deduce from this anomaly ?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduce from this that jealousy is a disease incurable.

Q. Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, there are allegations(see here) that you are a fake spiritual guru. What do you have to say about this?

[A] Guruji - Son Sam, this is absolutely baseless. There are no real or fake spiritual gurus, there are only spiritual gurus.

[Q] Nilima asks Noida - Guruji, ours is a small middle class family of four. My husband now wants to buy a pricey SUV for no reason. We already have a small car and moreover a mortgage to deal with. How I can persuade him to not buy this SUV?

[A] Guruji - Dear Nilima, for a man, his car is a treasured commodity, like a bone for a dog or a nut for a squirrel. It is something that will keeps him motivated, thrilled and bemused. Hence it will be a daunting task persuade him. Here are two ways you can do it - One, by statistically(and logically) proving how uneconomical and inessential it is for you at the moment, especially in the wake of mortgage, rising fuel prices, tax hikes, garage space constraints, small family size, lack of off-roading needs etc. This may not workout as arguing logically with a man is like escorting a woman to shopping; frustrating, futile and waste of time. Hence the option for you is to trap him in an emotional-atyachar scenario using your spousal powers, by reminding him of few forthcoming obligations such as daughter’s wedding, grocery shopping etc.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, lately many of your fellow spiritual leaders and gurus are caught for rape, torture and similar offences. What is your explanation for this?

[A] Guruji - ..that every society gets the leaders they deserve.

[Q] Ahalya asks from Ahmedabad - Guruji, my problem is my teenage daughter. She has no interest in her studies or any extra curricular activities. All the time she wants to spend chatting on the internet or mobile phone and polishing her nails. In short my daughter is growing up as a good-for-nothing person. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Send her to Bollywood.

Ok children, time has come for Guruji to leave, he will meet you right here, same time next week, if he hasn’t been knocked down by a state transport bus that is.

Guruji's Column - Part 11

Guruji's disciples, ladies and gentlemen,

Guruji is here with you now, as none of his molestation, land grabbing, cheating cases are up for hearing today. Let us get started.

[Q] Gurpreet from Patiala asks - Guruji, they say men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Is it true? if not where are they from?

[A] Guruji - Gurpreet, this is just a metaphor used by some authors to depict the psychological differences between men and women. In real life this is not true. The truth is that men are from sales and women are from marketing.

[Q] Shaila asks from Mysore - Guruji, we are constructing  a new house soon. Where should it be facing?

[A] Guruji - Shaila, it should be soon facing sand shortage.

[Q] Mathew asks from Bangalore - Guruji, what is the difference between a hooch and a microbrewery?

[A] Guruji -  Mathew, only that the latter tear your pocket but spare your eyesight.

[Q] Keerthi asks from Singapore - Your Holiness, I am a 28 yr old, good-looking, successful, single, HR professional. My problem is that all my male colleagues are nuts who are trying to flirt with me by greeting me or smiling at me when meeting face to face. What should I do in this situation?

[A] Guruji - Keerthi dear, if someone known to you greet you or smile at you, it shouldn’t be interpreted as flirting - unless both of the above are followed by a wink, an attempted physical contact or the guy is a middle-aged frastru. Biologically, a normal man hanker for a woman when his brain recognizes her as someone who can bear his offsprings. Guruji assure you that your male colleagues are not trying to flirt with you but just trying to be cordial, because none of them - unless they are real nuts  - want to have you with this kind of a haughty, egoistic attitude bare their children.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I just came to know that my fiancé is a karate expert when she demonstrated a knife-hand strike to me. Can you read her mind and tell me what she meant by this demo please?

[A] Guruji -  Son, as he mentioned in this space before, Guruji will not use his extrasensory powers to infringe into somebody’s privacy, unless of course it gives him sensual or monetary satisfactions. But he will spare some of his commonsensical powers here to help you; she was giving you a sneak preview; into the times ahead. 

[Q] Sanjay asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, I am a sales executive in a multi-national company. My problem is my numskull supervisor. He thinks I don’t provide him any information timely and constantly harass me on this in review meetings. I am highly demotivated to work now, what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, managers feel their subordinates are withholding information from them when they are not copied in the e-mails exchanged with customers. So hereafter, always forward any e-mails exchanged with your customers to your manager as well, with a note - “F.Y.I”, managers (globally) think this stands for “For Your Information”, but the real expansion of it is - “F#&k You Idiot”. Guruji guarantee that you will become such a motivated person that you will wait for an opportunity to keep your manager “informed” and thus happy.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he is shifting his ashram to another city for few months because of his decreasing number of disciples and increasing number of creditors here. However he will continue to converse with you as he is omnipresent, wherever there is data network he mean.

Guruji's column - Speicial Edition

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator] Dear readers, we are happy to announce that the much awaited biography of Guruji is published now! It is titled “A Di-wine Life”, and is already a New York Times bestseller like any other mediocre book. This special edition of Guruji’s column is an extract of the first chapter of this book, about the centuries long transformation of Guruji, from an ordinary medieval man to a renowned spiritual guru of 21st century.

Guruji was born Jayasimhan(name changed, to protect from being caught for crimes committed in his purvashram), in a family of poor peasants in the year 1386 AD,  in the medieval South Indian kingdom of Venad, founded by Rama Varma Kulashekhara in the 14th century and destroyed by State Beverages Corporation in 21st century. Unlike other boys of his village who lived and died feeding cattle and seeding offsprings, Jayasimhan was an ambitious young man. He moved to the then flourishing South Indian city of Vijayanagara at the age of 22, in search of a better life.

Jayasimhan soon became a successful small-time trade advisor to the visiting merchants to Vijayanagara, with his linguistic skills. He could now afford all the small luxuries that we call the “middle class dreams” today - such as a fully mortgaged house, a pair of fully loaned horses, and even have his own small family(not loaned, for a change).  Jayasimhan with his little fortunes was leading a materialistic life like any other city-dwelling middle-class men of those days, enjoying everything that money could buy(for everything else there was Master Card). Then one evening, things changed for him - for ever. A series of incidents took place that evening which made Jayasimhan realize he is no ordinary human being, but a chosen one whose destiny is to protect the needy and poor - from themselves mainly. It all happened thus..

Jayasimhan was spending an evening with his friends, drinking and listening to a blaring noise (which his friends always mistook for music) in a Madhushala. Jayasimhan suddenly got up and made a revelation that a poem will be written on this place in 20th century and the poet's son will become a famous performing artist in the same century, but will face the wrath of the gods in Indraprastha, and  will be cursed to earn a living in 21st century by selling noodles, nappies or anything that comes his way. Jayasimhan began to realize that something is changing in him, but at that time he attributed it to the brew and went on. Couple of hours later, the second revelation happened thus - Jayasimhan heard a telepathic voice, that he recognized as his spouse’s. The voice was asking if he will be coming home for dinner. When responding non-committally, Jayasimhan expected a weep, a beseech to come back or minimum a deep exhale as one would from any medieval Sati/Savitri. Instead  the response was - “If coming, get a cup of yogurt on the way, rice and pickle are kept on the table.  And I am going to sleep, so don’t ring the bell, use your spare key”. Jayasimhan with this new telepathic powers also understood that the world is not the same anymore, it is changing and is becoming dangerously materialistic, he ought to do something, else in a couple of centuries, curd-rice will become a way of life and also that this world will become Satan's dark abyss with religions, rapists and radio jockeys ruling it.

Jayasimhan then quickly left the Madhushaala and rode his horse home, with an agitated mind, he had only two things in mind now ; firstly, how to save the world, and secondly get yogurt before shops close. On the way, he was confronted by evil forces who were determined to stop him. Jayasimhan  was caught by the city guards, who accused him of riding a horse under influence. He told them that he was within the BAC limits of Vijayanagara,and that the horse after all isn’t drunk. But the guards argued that it has got just the horsepowers, and the tack and alcohol smell is with the rider. Jayasimhan started realizing the need for a new social order, an awakened society, where the rich and powerful cannot stop and torture innocent souls anywhere, anytime they want.

Though he was advised by bystanders to follow the Vijayanagara tradition, tip the guards and save himself, Jayasimhan had decided to fight for justice. He took out the sword, cut his index finger, collected few drops of blood and sent it to the palace hospital for tests. Hours passed, and it was the guards who were now caught off guard. They somehow wanted to put an end to the bloodshed and go home. They set Jayasimhan free and pleaded him to leave, he however was determined to prove his innocence. So intense was his desire to fight for justice that if Kafka was present there at that time, he would have renamed Josef K to Jayasimhan K with immediate effect. Well past mid-night, the results came out negative and the guards had to let him go or rather he let them go.

Jayasimhan came home as a new individual,one who is not only righteous but also having prognostication and telepathic powers,  though he had to settle for rice and pickle that evening. Jayasimhan silently said goodbye to his sleeping spouse and child, went to the veranda, sat below a ceiling fan(he avoided a tree, so that history won't repeat) and went into a deep meditation in search of truth, that lasted for few centuries. He was awakened, as an enlightened one, on a Śrāvaṇa Sunday morning in 2013 AD, entered into his new incarnation as a spiritual guru under the name His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj, or simply Guruji  to his more impatient disciples. He had some hot idliy-sambar-tea combo and started his journey as a spiritual mentor to the society, fighting for justice and peace wherever they were denied, using his spiritual powers and knowledge. His mission today is to save the poor and needy from the attacks of evil forces such as news-anchors, auto drivers, spouses, Bollywood, fashion designers, tabloids, street dogs etc etc..

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator] The weekly "Dialogues with Guruji" column will be published tomorrow..

Guruji's Column - Part 10

Hello Children,

Guruji’s seasons greetings to all - on this Murder & Rapes Season. Let us get started.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, Dr.Dabholkar had to pay by his life for telling the truth. Why no spiritual leader or guru staged satyagraha and jumped from the dais seeking justice?

[A] Guruji - Sam, Guruji had already answered this in a previous dialog. We spiritual leaders will respond only if someone come shoving our own bottoms or try to reclaim the land we grabbed. It is not in our karma to stand for people who do the mistake of thinking rationally, logically etc.

[Q] John from Kerala asks -  I’m nearing 50s and is having this constant fear of becoming old. Is there any yoga technique that can keep me young?

[A] Guruji - John son, yours is a simple anxiety syndrome common among men nearing retirement and can be easily cured without going bankrupt learning Guruji’s yoga techniques. Here are few things you can do to overcome this - Stop aspiring for younger women, stop looking down at your ponch, stop watching Mammootty movies and start spending your leisure time doing some of the challenges that you always wanted to take up in life, such as driving around the country in a Bullet, keeping a donkey as pet, tinkling on your neighbor's lawn etc. All your anxieties will vanish and you can lead a happy retired life.

[Q] Chandini from Chandini Chowk asks - Gurudev, I would like to come to The Ashram for darshan. What are the timings?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chandini, Guruji’s direct darshans are stopped for now, mainly due to security concerns - on STDs and hidden cameras that is.

[Q] Anil asks - Guru, I read somewhere that you have postulated a new “Athi-Vishisht-Advaita Siddhant”. Can you briefly explain the crux of this Siddhant?

[A] Guruji - Son, Athi-Vishisht-Advaita Siddhant or AVAS is a relatively new school of thought in theology, put forward by Guruji. Though it has multiple dimensions and is deep-rooted with many spiritual, philosophical, social and theological aspects that forms the undercurrents of this theory, the crux of it can be explained thus - “Spirituality and spirit business are two sides of the same unlaundered undergarments”

[Q] Hema asks from Hyderabad - Your Holiness, my husband is a public servant who made a fortune through wrongful means.Today we have bungalows, estates, cars etc because of this. For a while my conscience tells me that it is all wrong and I should persuade him to become an honest and righteous person. But then my conscience also tells me that my five star salon and supermarket will then become unaffordable for me. What should I do? Will I become a leech in my next janam if I continue like this?

[A] Guruji - Hema, Guruji’s advice to you is that for a moment, think that your husband is not taking money but accepting sexual favours as bribe. If your consciences is still ok with that, you may continue to enjoy living on his fortune without worrying about becoming a leech, as two consecutive incarnations will never be the same for a soul.

[Q] Yogesh from Pune asks - Guruji, I am a college student, when I go out wearing my red or yellow trousers, some people stare at me. Why do they do so? Isn’t it bad manners to stare at someone?

[A] Guruji - Son, they are not staring at you, they are just perplexed; that why the T-shirt is not golden.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, as he has to deliver the keynote address on universal brotherhood at the world spirituality convention, happening at Tirupati Bar. May his blessings be with you all till we meet next time.

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator ] -  Many of Guruji’s disciples ask us on why their questions are not answered. Every week a few selected spiritually relevant questions are presented to Guruji by the editor. We request the disciples not to be disappointed if your questions are not included this week, we will ensure that it is considered next week based on availability of space; in the dustbin we mean.