Sunday, April 27, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Candidates

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is here to converse with you. All of you have his summer blessings, do get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the logic behind most political parties fielding film actresses in elections ? Are they the best people to lead our nation?

[A] Guruji - Son, you have raised a very important question here. Because, in the history of English language, this is the first time someone is using the word 'logic' alongside actresses and political parties in the same sentence, and for the same reason Guruji or any other scholar cannot answer it either. However to help you, Guruji's ashram has got in touch with all the said actresses and got their responses directly. Here are the top 5 answers they got. Please note that the names of respondents are not disclosed here and that is not to protect their identities but because you already know them and repetition creates boredom.

[ Actress-candidate 1 ]: "I thought this will be a good opportunity for me to serve the society, especially the womanhood, by exhibiting my great collection of sarees and sandals to them."

[ Actress-candidate 2 ]: "I was trapped into it in fact. When they said campaign, I thought it was a new ad campaign for UV protection glasses, realized only very late that I was a candidate too."

[ Actress-candidate 3 ]: "They said it will help improving my acting skills."

[ Actress-candidate 4 ]: "I wanted to get tanned."

[ Actress-candidate 5 ]: "You think 1, 2, 3 and 4  got something that I don't have? If they are in it, I'm in it too."

Guruji hope that answers your question.

[Q] Miss L asks - Guruji, is it necessary that one has to be a vegetarian to lead a truly spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss L, Guruji had mentioned this on many occasions earlier too, it is not what you eat but how you earn it is important. If you are a strict vegetarian, yet earn your food by tricking others - i.e by being a thief, a thug, an astrologer, a Bollywood script writer, a political son-in-law, a godman etc, you are no spiritual than a capuchin monkey. Hence Guruji's advice to you is to eat what you like, but make sure you obey traffic rules, pay your taxes, take bath, don't generally screw around and you will be more spiritual than any spiritually vegetarian capuchin monkeys.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, what is a Free Market Economy ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Free Market Economy or FME is a market mechanism built on the “Buy 1 get 1 Free” principle. The crux of it is that it gives consumers the freedom to choose - between walking away and falling into the vendor’s trap that is. Today, other variants of FME have also found adoption in many of the world’s leading economies such as Switzerland, Luxembourg and Reliance-retail. Some of them are - ”Buy 3 get 3 Free, “Buy 2 kilos of chicken and get a baboon brain absolutely Free etc.

[Q] Mr.Sharma asks - Guruji, I have an office job. I don’t have any opportunity to engage in physical activities and this is resulting in substantial weight gain. Can you advise some good yoga techniques to loss weight quickly ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly, as Guruji always pointed out, yoga is not a one stop solution for all your urban upper-class problems. Now about weight control, there are two aspects to it. One is dietary restrictions and the other is physical exercises. For dietary control, employ a cook who has experience with airline caterers or Indian railways, you will rarely feel the urge to eat if at all. Coming to exercises, it is a good practice to walk around in the office occasionally, hence shift to the farthest corner from the reception, you sure will be forced to take an occasional stroll around the floor, especially with that newly appointed, living NY-fashion week adorning the reception. You have Guruji’s blessings.

Children, it’s time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all for the time being, he will meet you right here, same time next week, unless a front-office policy change force him to stay put in office longer.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Transparency

Ladies, Gentlemen and Transgentles,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your queries. Please keep your questions short, he has very less time today as he has to a give special darshan to a premier cricket league's stakeholders that include(but not limited to) gambling-goons, tax-evading-tycoons, bear-hugging-brand-ambassadors, choliless-cheerleaders etc in another part of the world later in the day.

[Q] Smitha asks -  Gurudev, do you think we have the right candidates in the fray for national leadership this time around ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, yes, with Heaven’s grace, we do have the right candidates running for the country’s leadership this time. Now if we need anybody better, we have to import a few Venom-spitting Cobras from Africa.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, the IPL season is starting. what is your advisory for the teams?

[A] Guruji - Ram, in the past IPL has gone through many sticky wicket situations, resulting in gaining bad name for the game. Hence this time around Guruji advises all stakeholders to remember one thing to have it all clean - TRANSPARENCY. His advice to the corporate co-owners is to have transparency in their financial dealings so that it’s easy for the tax agencies, police to jail them with enough evidences. His advice to team members is to have transparency in their gestures and actions so that the bookies get it all correct. And last but not the least, his advice for the Bollywood heroines and cheerleaders involved is to be transparent too - in their outfits - for better spectator satisfaction.

[Q] Anand asks - Guruji, can you suggest a good motto for my country?

[A] Guruji - Son, here it is - “Anything usable will be misused”

[Q] Miss K asks - Guruji, I hear that you have a yoga technique for every situation. My problem is that I live in a community where unusual levels of public flatulence resulting in a stinking environment. Do you have any yoga techniques to recommend for people with this problem?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss K, it is a misunderstanding that yoga is a one stop solution for all your problems - unless you are a yoga guru making a living out of it that is. In your case, no amount of yoga can resolve the said problem, just plaster the mouths of your national news anchors and party spokespersons, the stink will subside.

[Q] Jay asks - Guruji, often we see political leaders running for national leadership across the world having their motto “Vote for change.  Vote me”. I wonder what they will do next time around ?

[A] Guruji - Son, next time they can combine it into a single sentence “Vote for changing me”

Ok children, please allow Guruji to take leave now, he will meet you at same place, same time next week, unless he get auctioned in the sports market by then.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Inner Peace

Ladies, Gentleman and Pahalwan Politicians,

Guruji has descended his holy bottom on the holy hot-seat, he will now take your questions, please get started.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, a top politician recently tried justifying rape by stating that boys do mistakes at times, we must not hang them for that. Do you agree with this view?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, Guruji would totally agree with the politician here, boys do mistakes and we must help and reform them. Say if a boy steals bread out of hunger, a true leader will try to reform the boy by providing him with food from his own kitchen so that he won’t be tempted to rob the poor neighbourhood bakers, right? Similarly the said leader Guruji hope will lead the way in this case and supply the said boys with whatever ‘food’ they were after from his home so that they don’t attack poor girls on the road.

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, till recently the only identity we common men (and women) of this country had was our 'aam aadmi' label that gave us a community feeling and some level of confidence that we can collectively bargain for our basic necessities such as the right to eat, the right to take bath, right to wash our bottoms etc. But now that identity also is hijacked by political parties. What should we do now?

[A] Guruji - Son, when one identity goes of, a competent community like yours must adapt another rather than lamenting over it. Guruji recommend all you common men and women out there to choose an assy identity going forward without having to worry about somebody hijacking that identity, as donkeys are gentle, trustworthy creatures having no problem sharing their humble namespace (or even their living space) with other fellow beings, unlike the ones who stole your current identity.

[Q] Shankar asks - Guruji, I feel we middle-aged men are the most neglected, ignored and taken for granted set of people. We get no appreciation for our deeds, no girls aspire for us, we get the least consideration and priority when coming to anything from queuing up for boarding a plane to getting evacuated from a sinking ship. Why is this discrimination, aren’t we the most worthy set of people as we form the top business persons, top politicians, top artists, top everything in fact ?

[A] Guruji - Son, though you have raised a very important question here, you have made a critical error by saying ”WE middle-aged men” as by that you have classified Guruji too as an ill-fated, rapidly aging, potbellied desperado while in reality he is a chiranjeevi who belongs to no age groups and is as desirable as a Bollywood Khan with 8 packs(6 anterior, 2 posterior) in his current avatar.  Coming back to your question, the answer is there in your statement itself - it is your very “top everything” status that makes people give you the least priority and respect as you also form the top rapists, top child-molesters, top politicians, top thieves, top warlords, top news anchors, top stock-traders etc as well. Guruji advises you all to become topless in the above mentioned categories, you will earn your due respect.

[Q] Pushpak asks - Guruji, why do all you religious leaders are against homosexuals, aren't they also God's creations and deserve a place in the society?

[A] Guruji - Pushpak, it is a misconception that we religious leaders are fully against homosexuality, it is only the first 4 letters that we oppose, for the rest, we are fully committed and are more than happy to dedicate our whole life for it.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, what is inner peace, how can one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, like the outside world, our souls also have an inner world. As in a calm and peaceful exterior world - that is, the one without destructive activities like wars, natural calamities, Bollywood movies etc, there is also a state of calmness that prevails in your inner world as well. One can attain it by having focus, dedication and more importantly by releasing inner gases through appropriate bodily apertures at appropriate times.

Ok children, Guruji will take leave now to take a leak. He will meet you same space, time and any other dimensions that coincide here next week, unless by then his astrological planets get oriented in a different direction and he get hit by a meteor as a result of it.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Affairs

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political horse traders,

In spite of a very busy schedule with parliamentary candidates queuing up to seek his support and blessings, Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his time for you. Do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, will you get involved in resolving marital problems too?

[A] Guruji - Son, since marital affairs are mostly material affairs, Guruji usually don’t get involved. However at times he do get involved in resolving marital problems, but it depends on the nature of the problem, especially it's sex appeal.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I'm a candidate for the forthcoming parliamentary elections. Opinion polls show that I have only a 50-50 chance to win. What will be a good yagam/yagya that I can do to improve my chances?

[A] Guruji - Son, Gandhiji-aayana yagam will be good for you. To perform this special yagya, you must first distribute as much Gandhiji (picture) imprinted artifacts as possible among your voters, but on one condition - that those artifacts are of such value that your voters will have no  hesitation to sell their souls to you in return. Also you must ensure that for every such distributed Gandhiji-artifact, you send an equal number to your spiritual guru's - in this case Guruji's - ashram as well, to get full returns for your investme...he mean prayers and chanting.

[Q] Anonymous asks - ..Guruji, for last Gandhi-jayanti we have made a bunch of plastic lockets imprinted with Gandhiji's picture for distribution among school kids but couldn't do so. Will they do?

[A] Guruji - Son, with this gem of an un-evolved primate brain, your are already overqualified to be a parliamentarian. Nevertheless,  Guruji would like to remind you that such an exercise will be as wasteful as trying to brush your teeth with your own intestinal waste. No voter - even the ones who are so wretched that they have to choose you - will ever trade their souls for a 10 Rupee locket. So, do as Guruji has advised, you have his blessings.

[Q] Urmila asks - Your Holiness, I followed your advice and started loving and helping my neighbours. It all went well till now, but now none of them are ready to own the fatherhood of my newborn baby. Please help me.

[A] Guruji - Dear Urmila, he cannot help you here for two reasons - firstly because Guruji is a spiritual leader and is enlightened enough to be creative without running the risk of procreation. Secondly he was never your neighbour.

[Q] Deepa asks - Guruji, political parties are mudslinging each other so badly that I cannot make out who is good, who is bad. So I’m not able to take a firm decision whom to vote in this election. Can you please advise?

[A] Guruji - Dear Deepa, hundreds of young devotees like you are asking this question to Guruji every day. However being a spiritual Guru, he cannot take up sides and recommend you one party over another here, as for him all are equal - in terms of their donations to the ashram that is. However, make sure that you vote for a candidate who seek vote based on caste/religion, as only they can lead us to 22nd century(B.C he mean).

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as the political aspirants bee-lining at his backyard are creating a law and order situation and he got to give them darshan, otherwise they will bee-sting his back. He will meet you at same place, same time next week unless he gets elected to the heavens by then.