Saturday, September 28, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 15

Hello Children,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, he will answer your questions now,

[Q] Urmila asks - Guruji, recently a spiritual leader said that if a woman address her rapist “Bhaiya” he will spare her. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Of course Urmila dear, with such an emotional plea, any rapist will be forced to spare the girl if she do so, only thing she needs to ensure alongside is to grapple his nutsack such that his bhaiyahood spills out. And by ‘his’ Guruji mean the rapist’s or the spiritual leader’s if they are the same.

[Q] Sarala asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, Indian made children’s cartoons are becoming popular these days. I think they will help teaching our kids about true Indian values and virtues. What do you think?

[A] Guruji - He is thinking since when is plagiarism considered a virtue?

[Q] Anita asks from Allahabad - Your holiness, I am a homemaker and during my leisure time I like watching TV. Is it a sin watching TV ?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Anita, not at all. Watching TV is not a sin, if it gives you some relaxation. Switching it on is a cardinal sin though, chances are that you will be reborn a langur.

[Q] Tarun asks - Guruji, I am in love with a girl in my office, I have tried many ways to impress her including (but not limited to) cracking jokes in her presence, singing in the annual day, having Justin Bieber hairdo and stuff like that. But none of them seems to have worked so far. Can you please read her mind with your powers and let me know what I should do to win her heart ?

[A] Guruji - Son, without even reading her mind, Guruji can tell you that the girl thinks the stuff you have done - especially the hairdo part - are worse than a male hippo’s courtship behaviour. Guruji advises you to register with and wait for a girl of your cast and creed to come through.

[Q] Biplab asks from Kolkata - Guruji, why do most Indian spiritual gurus wear a ‘bindi’ on the forehead like women?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a woman, a bindi is considered a thing of beauty. We spiritual gurus are under no such hallucination that it can make us look beautiful, except when we are smoking pot we mean. We wear it to mark the blind spot in our frontal lobe.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, you claims to be possessing a lot of supernatural powers such as levitation capabilities. What stops you from performing it in public to demonstrate your powers then ?

[A] Guruji - Gravity.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he has to lent his holy bottom to a prime minister-in-waiting waiting to pay homage to it.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 14

Ladies, gentlemen and Guruji’s disciples,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy - he mean binge - weekend for you, so let us get started.

[Q] Padma asks from Chennai - Guruji, recently an Indian-origin girl won Miss USA title. Do you see a changing world order on the way here?

[A] Guruji - No Padma, instead he see a handful of Bollywood flops on the way.

[Q]  Saleem asks Salem -  Guruji,  most religions promote Creationism, but science teaches us the theory of Evolution.  Which is correct?

[A] Guruji - Son,  both the theories are talking about the origin of man ( Let's talk about women in another more private a forum). The only difference between these two theories is on whether we evolved from god or monkeys. Behavioural studies show that the monkey theory is correct. But the most important thing here is that we evolved from somewhere and did not fell of the sky one day, like the BJP spokeswomen in TV.

[Q] Sunil asks - How come we Indians never did any groundbreaking inventions like Westerners or Japanese?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is because we are the only people who realized the value of unbroken ground in real-estate market.

[Q] Chottu asks from Chota Nagar  - Guruji, why do Congress leaders prefer to wear khadi?

[A] Guruji - For the same reason why supermodels wear high-heels; they think it makes them look more sexy.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, what is the difference between spirituality business and other businesses?

[A] Guruji - Sam son, in other businesses it is ethical to be unethical while here it is unethical to be ethical.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I am a 22 year old P.G student, one of our neighborhood uncles is trying to be friendly with me of late. I somehow feel his intentions are not all that good. But I’m not sure. Can you use your spiritual powers and find out whether his objectives are wicked or not?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Smitha, you need no spiritual powers here, just offer him a scooter ride one day, his ununcleness will come out in some form or another. And don't forget to offer him a good elbow as well in that case, to mark your respect to the erstwhile uncle. 

[Q] Juhi from Juhu asks - Guruji, both men and women eat the same kind of food, yet men are physically stronger than women. Why ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi dear, this happens because of one big difference in their eating habits - Men like to eat and will, while women like to eat, but won't. 

- End -

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 13

Hello Children,

Guruji has very less time today as he has a bookshelf to clean off, of a few centuries of dust. Let’s get started quickly.

[Q] Amrita asks from Maharashtra - Mahatma, I need your advice as a yoga guru. I am only 35 and my hair is graying. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Allow it to.

[Q] Amrita asks from Mumbai - But Mahatma, I want to look ..

[A] Guruji - Next question please..

[Q] Amrita asks from Bandra West - Mr.Guruji, you are being rude to a wom..

[A] Guruji - Dear Amrita, Guruji is not only a sage, but also sane. Don't try to defy time, use it for better things like gardening, gossiping etc.

[Q] Gopal asks - Gurudev, you are a yugpurush, have seen many centuries. Was Kalidasa originally a fool who cut the branch he was sitting on?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is just a myth. However, the credit of “cutting the branch he was sitting on” can be attributed to another wise man, his name is Gregor Mendel.

[Q] Savita asks from Kolhapur - Gurudev, my mother in law thinks my star sign is not good,else my husband would have won lottery after marrying me. Is it correct? Do celestial bodies influence personalities?

[A] Guruji - Savita dear, of course celestial bodies impact human lives in a big way as our ancient gurus and astrologers taught us. In your very case, lunar influence answers your lunatic mother-in-law.

[Q] Leela asks from Sunnyvale -  Guruji, my husband works as a software professional.  Of late, he wakes up at night and screams 'startup!'. I interprets it as a call for know what..and start preparing, but then realize he has gone back to sleep again. Why does he do it? Should I consult a psychiatrist?

[A] Guruji - Leela, you may consult a psychiatrist if he/she happens to be a good plumber as well, to get your damaged wc flush repaired. Nothing to worry about your husband, his is a simple problem (than a broken flush), found commonly among middle-aged software professionals. Some people call it “mid-life crisis” etc, caused by a combination of greed and peer-pressure. He will be alright after a while when he see his entrepreneur friends returning to work after going bankrupt.

[Q] Karan asks from Karanpur - Guruji, I have recently watched a Bollywood movie in which there is a song which goes “Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..”. What is the maamala and how should I go about settling it?

[A] Guruji - Karan son, to settle it Guruji would advise you to go meet a good mechanic, to find out which nut of yours has gone loose, making you watch such movies.

Ok children, Guruji got to go now, may his blessings and sneezings be with you all while he clean the cupboard.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 12

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples,

Though Guruji is on a pilgrimage to the holy islands of The Bahamas, where he launder his holy vestments and investments, he has kindly set aside an hour during the flight for his pupil, here are his answers to your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Swami, I am an ardent follower of yours, also the finance minister of a third world country. Recently the value of our currency started falling badly. Though I and my government issued assurances that it’s only the currency value that has fallen, people could still use coins, cheques or credit cards, the stupid opposition is demanding my resignation. What should I do now? Please advise.

[A] Guruji - Makane Anonymous, tell your opposition that a country where there is no value for human life itself, value of the currency is not a big deal. They will understand.

[Q] Prof. Sharma asks from Kanpur - Gurudev, One more Teacher’s Day went by. We teachers are doing one of the most important jobs in the world - of creating tomorrow’s engineers, doctors and scientists. Yet some other mediocre professionals like movie actors are paid far higher than us. What do you as a philosopher deduce from this anomaly ?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduce from this that jealousy is a disease incurable.

Q. Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, there are allegations(see here) that you are a fake spiritual guru. What do you have to say about this?

[A] Guruji - Son Sam, this is absolutely baseless. There are no real or fake spiritual gurus, there are only spiritual gurus.

[Q] Nilima asks Noida - Guruji, ours is a small middle class family of four. My husband now wants to buy a pricey SUV for no reason. We already have a small car and moreover a mortgage to deal with. How I can persuade him to not buy this SUV?

[A] Guruji - Dear Nilima, for a man, his car is a treasured commodity, like a bone for a dog or a nut for a squirrel. It is something that will keeps him motivated, thrilled and bemused. Hence it will be a daunting task persuade him. Here are two ways you can do it - One, by statistically(and logically) proving how uneconomical and inessential it is for you at the moment, especially in the wake of mortgage, rising fuel prices, tax hikes, garage space constraints, small family size, lack of off-roading needs etc. This may not workout as arguing logically with a man is like escorting a woman to shopping; frustrating, futile and waste of time. Hence the option for you is to trap him in an emotional-atyachar scenario using your spousal powers, by reminding him of few forthcoming obligations such as daughter’s wedding, grocery shopping etc.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, lately many of your fellow spiritual leaders and gurus are caught for rape, torture and similar offences. What is your explanation for this?

[A] Guruji - ..that every society gets the leaders they deserve.

[Q] Ahalya asks from Ahmedabad - Guruji, my problem is my teenage daughter. She has no interest in her studies or any extra curricular activities. All the time she wants to spend chatting on the internet or mobile phone and polishing her nails. In short my daughter is growing up as a good-for-nothing person. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Send her to Bollywood.

Ok children, time has come for Guruji to leave, he will meet you right here, same time next week, if he hasn’t been knocked down by a state transport bus that is.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 11

Guruji's disciples, ladies and gentlemen,

Guruji is here with you now, as none of his molestation, land grabbing, cheating cases are up for hearing today. Let us get started.

[Q] Gurpreet from Patiala asks - Guruji, they say men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Is it true? if not where are they from?

[A] Guruji - Gurpreet, this is just a metaphor used by some authors to depict the psychological differences between men and women. In real life this is not true. The truth is that men are from sales and women are from marketing.

[Q] Shaila asks from Mysore - Guruji, we are constructing  a new house soon. Where should it be facing?

[A] Guruji - Shaila, it should be soon facing sand shortage.

[Q] Mathew asks from Bangalore - Guruji, what is the difference between a hooch and a microbrewery?

[A] Guruji -  Mathew, only that the latter tear your pocket but spare your eyesight.

[Q] Keerthi asks from Singapore - Your Holiness, I am a 28 yr old, good-looking, successful, single, HR professional. My problem is that all my male colleagues are nuts who are trying to flirt with me by greeting me or smiling at me when meeting face to face. What should I do in this situation?

[A] Guruji - Keerthi dear, if someone known to you greet you or smile at you, it shouldn’t be interpreted as flirting - unless both of the above are followed by a wink, an attempted physical contact or the guy is a middle-aged frastru. Biologically, a normal man hanker for a woman when his brain recognizes her as someone who can bear his offsprings. Guruji assure you that your male colleagues are not trying to flirt with you but just trying to be cordial, because none of them - unless they are real nuts  - want to have you with this kind of a haughty, egoistic attitude bare their children.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I just came to know that my fiancé is a karate expert when she demonstrated a knife-hand strike to me. Can you read her mind and tell me what she meant by this demo please?

[A] Guruji -  Son, as he mentioned in this space before, Guruji will not use his extrasensory powers to infringe into somebody’s privacy, unless of course it gives him sensual or monetary satisfactions. But he will spare some of his commonsensical powers here to help you; she was giving you a sneak preview; into the times ahead. 

[Q] Sanjay asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, I am a sales executive in a multi-national company. My problem is my numskull supervisor. He thinks I don’t provide him any information timely and constantly harass me on this in review meetings. I am highly demotivated to work now, what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, managers feel their subordinates are withholding information from them when they are not copied in the e-mails exchanged with customers. So hereafter, always forward any e-mails exchanged with your customers to your manager as well, with a note - “F.Y.I”, managers (globally) think this stands for “For Your Information”, but the real expansion of it is - “F#&k You Idiot”. Guruji guarantee that you will become such a motivated person that you will wait for an opportunity to keep your manager “informed” and thus happy.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he is shifting his ashram to another city for few months because of his decreasing number of disciples and increasing number of creditors here. However he will continue to converse with you as he is omnipresent, wherever there is data network he mean.