Saturday, December 21, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Mobility

Ladies, Gentlemen and national media,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, pray get started with your queries.

[Q] Mr. X asks - Guruji, I will be  retiring from service soon. What kind of a neighbourhood I should choose to spend my retirement life, also what are some of the yoga techniques that I can practice that will keep me mentally and physically fit in my retirement life?

[A] Guruji - Son X, a happy retirement life depends on many facts, an important one being an un-retired spouse and the population density of the neighborhood you choose to live - density of womanhood in that neighbourhood he mean. On yoga techniques, a retiree must choose one that is easy to practice and relaxing. Guruji's patented 'samachar-kriya' can be very effective. To practice this yoga technique, place a chair in your veranda facing an open, airy space such as a road. Take a newspaper and holding it as a shield, move your eyes and neck briskly so that you can observe what’s called in urban male lingo as 'colour movements' around you. Continue this kriya every day, your retirement life will become more relaxing and exciting. However as with any other yoga techniques,  practicing this kriya for a long time can cause damages to body parts, especially when the neighborhood’s brotherhood comes to know about it. Hence do not practice the same kriya continuously, instead periodically switch to other spiritual methods such as meditation and bar-hopping.

[Q] Shikha asks - Your Holiness, I am a graduate student. I would like to know whether there are any yoga techniques that can help me concentrate more on my studies.

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, focus and concentration is the most important thing for a young student like you and that is exactly what yoga promises as well; apart from broken necks, ribs etc that is. You can practice Guruji’s famous ‘bhataknasana’ yoga. And always remember to wear something yoga-friendly. Kidney-exposing tight-fits will be the most convenient ones - for your spectators he mean. Now to practice bhataknasana that improve concentration, sit down in vajrasana facing a deep water source like a pond or lake as water is one of the 3 key elements of life - apart from internet and tv - relax and close your eyes. Take a deep breath to increase your blood circulation and throw that bootless smartphone of yours into that pond and briskly walk away. Now you can concentrate on your studies well.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, there was news that you were strip-searched at airport security in a western country. There are a lot of modern-day scanning and detecting technology available, yet in some countries they strip-search and humiliate people. Isn't it wrong and unethical to do so ?

[A] Guruji  - Son Saleem, it would have been wrong and unethical had we not discovered recently that we(at least some of 'us') evolved from pigs and chimps.Those genes and traits are still residual in few people and they come out with such wildly laws and policies and find pleasure in implementing them in the most harassing manner. We cannot consider those acts unethical as ethics are applicable neither to pigs nor chimps.

[Q] Mrs Sharma asks - Guruji, my daughter is getting married and soon she will be member of a new family. What are some of the important things I must advise my daughter take care so that she remain untroubled at her in-law’s?

[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.Sharma, most important thing for a girl moving into her in-laws is that she must try to understand and respect the person or persons who she is going to spend maximum time with. In your daughter's case Guruji understands with his inner vision that her husband is the breadwinner and hence won't be the one she’s going to spend a lot of time with, instead it will be her mobile phone. Guruji’s advice to you is to advise her to buy a low radiation one so that she won’t end-up in premature death from brain tumour.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he wish you all a very happy, prosperous, spiritual and politically eventful new year. Guruji will meet you same time, same place next year again, unless you end up in jail for manslaughter  and negligent driving on the new year’s night and Guruji end up in heaven for coming on your way that night.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Unnatural relationships

Ladies, Gentlemen and Supreme authorities,

Guruji is back after his holy mission to initiate something that has the potential to save mankind, womankind and even those kind in media business / jails (or both). He will address you all now, do start with your questions.

[Q]  Kumar asks - Guruji, you weren't there in the ashram last weekend and did not give us darshan. Had you been on a pilgrimage?

[A] Guruji - No my son, Guruji was on a mission to do “bhoomi pooja” for the worlds tallest politically motivated statue that now is the only hope for mankind to save itself from all the problems looming over it currently including that of deficiency of brain cells in some people.

[Q] Lata Devi.L asks - Your holiness, isn’t it wrong for some people to be homosexuals as god created us men and women to be exactly that way? Shouldn’t all religious and spiritual leaders oppose such unnatural relationships as it is against gods, our culture and rich traditions?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata Devi.L, Guruji for centuries have been opposing such unnatural relationships. But unfortunately some evil people called scientists went against gods and proved that we evolved and were not created by gods. Now the same people have also found that our evolution itself is from a highly unnatural union - of pigs and chimps(Can you believe that? pigs!). Guruji was hoping that the gods will react to such atrocious and blasphemous researches by burning all the scientists in hell or in sulfuric acid. But since they are not doing so, we have to assume that the entire human race itself has an origin from an unnatural relationship (that too one involving pigs!), we better work towards making any unnatural relationships between pigs and chimps illegal before addressing other lesser unnatural ones.

[Q] Dash asks - Guruji, you are a person who knows everything. I want to invest in stock market and earn a good fortune out of that. What should one do to maximize his returns from the stock market?

[A] Guruji - Son Dash, though this is not a spiritually pertinent topic, considering the donations you make at religious shrines, Guruji recognizes that you are a genuine investor and hence will answer you. Best way to get maximum returns from stock market is to stay away from it.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, I hear that spiritual gurus got a sixth sense.Is this true ? What is it called?

[A] Guruji - It is NONSENSE.

[Q] Pia asks - Guruji, I am a marketing executive with a leading FMCG company. This question is about my manager’s attitude.He thinks he is always right. It doesn't stop there, he also thinks that ONLY he is right. I am not very satisfied working with him for this attitude, but at the same time I really admire his self confidence also. Is he right with this attitude?

[A] Guruji - Pia dear, this is already answered a century and a half back by Charles Darwin and Guruji will repeat it here for you and your manager - That "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge".

[Q] Krishna asks - Guruji, you are a sociologists too. What is that we can deduce from the recent Aam-aadmi party victory in Delhi?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduces that humans got much higher tolerance level compared to other life forms, else something like this wouldn't have taken this long to happen.

[Q]  Smitha asks - Maharaj, one more year is passing by. What is Guruji's message to the world this time?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, every passing year makes us realize the universal truth that time is the only ultimate truth and it never waits for anybody.This December, Guruji advises all his disciples to take an oath to bring improvements to their spiritual life going forward, by drinking responsibly.

Ok my children, Guruji got to retire to his meditation chambers to attend to some important spiritual matters waiting for him (in his cupboard). We will meet here again same time next week if time(and materials) permit.