Saturday, July 27, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 6

Hello brothers and sisters of hell,

Gurujji is here with you, his cyber-disciples after his regular morning darshan to his direct disciples - that include(but not limited to) the milk man, the news paper boy, the municipal garbage collector and people from many other walks of life who walk into his Asharam so early that Gurujis day starts when it ends astronomically.

[Q] Kiran asks - Guruji, the Western media calls a riot a riot when it happens in the third world, but if the same occur in their world, its a mere  ‘civil unrest’. Isn’t this racism?

[A] Guruji - No, it is narcissism.

[Q] Urmila asks - Guruji, my husband is an ‘opinion-addict’. He keeps watching news channels and reality shows listening to unbearable expert opinions, resulting in I losing my mental stability often. I am thinking of filing for a divorce. Will I be considered a sinner if I do so?

[A] Guruji - Dear Urmila, firstly you are asking Guruji for an opinion on how to handle a person addicted to opinions. How paradoxical! Coming to your problem, divorce is no solution to marital issues. In fact it will only worsen your life as you are now  subjecting yourself to hatred and despair. To get over this situation, you could practice Guruji’s (patented) ‘Banjan-kriya’. This is a yoga technique where you take the heaviest accessible object and hit it hard on the subject of concern till the object or subject or both of them break(s). In your case the subject could be the TV or the husband's head, depending on which one you think will be more useful for you in future when separated from one another. For example, the TV could be useful to keep you updated on the latest trends in weight loss techniques while a husband will come handy when you want to clean the ceiling fan. Guruji leave that decision to you.

[Q] Helen asks from Helsinki - Your Highness, I’m a single woman and also a devotee of yours. I’m planning to visit the holy Ashram soon. Is there any dress code for a woman traveller in your country?

[A] Guruji - Dear Helen, in a free and fearless country like ours, you may feel free to wear anything you like, as long as you have this or this over it.

[Q] Gaurav asks from Mumbai - Guruji, in this age of internet and computes, what in your view is the single biggest benefit computers bring to humankind ?

[A] Guruji - A decent Rs 2000 it can earn you in a scrap deal.

[Q] Guruji, why do some Indian women wear short T-shirts, yet are very conscious about it and keep attempting to pull it down?

[Guruji’s Blog Moderator - Removed this from list of questions to Guruji as it is not a spiritually relevant one. You may re-send the question if you have spiritual concerns about the said act. ]

[Q] Anonymous asks from Delhi - Guruji, I’m a celebrity new generation author with a huge fan following. All this while I had been inspired by epics and history and made many best sellers. But now my conscience keep telling me I was copying. Is it so? What is the difference between plagiarism and being inspired? Please help me Guruji.

[A] Guruji - Son, there is a big difference between filching directly and being inspired to do so. For example, if you are eating your own dog’s dog food, its filching because by that act you are depriving the him of his rightful earning. But if you are barking in public to draw attention like your dog does, you indeed are being inspired by him because you are not stealing his bark. Guruji’s advice to you is to think over it clearly and take your stand. Also to ease the tension sit back, relax and enjoy your dog food, you will be all right. You have Guruji’s blessings.

Ok children, Guruji got to go. It’s time for his meditation, hence he is going to step into the city traffic. May his blessings be with you.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 5

Hello children,

Guruji is back, he will start answering your questions right away since he has no real-estate thugs or political heavy weights fallen on his palms at the moment that stops him from penning down the answers.

[Q] Prem asks from Pune - Your Holiness, many spiritual gurus and religious leaders expect people to kneel down in front of them or touch their feet or kiss their hand to show respect. Do I need to do any such things when I come for your darshan? If not what should I do to show my respect to you?

[A] Guruji - Son, a spiritual guru demanding or expecting such acts by his disciples is not a true guru. A true guru should be humble and must respect all fellow beings. Because for him, all human beings are equal. When you visit Guruji’s ashram for darshan, do not engage in any such acts to pay your respect. Instead, if it’s at an accessible distance, you may wipe his holy bottom though.

[Q] Dimple from Delhi asks - Your Holiness, the western culture is spreading into our society very fast, be it about relationships, food habits or clothing. Is this a good thing or bad? To what level can we Indians adopt western culture?

[A] Guruji - To the knee level should be ok.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, the rich are trying to lose weight while the poor are trying to gain it. Is there a synergy here that can help both?

[A] Guruji - Son, though you anonymously asked this numskull question, Guruji (with his extra sensory powers) see that you are an urban upper middle class person with a consulting job. Guruji assume you got this question in your mind while a homeless person asked you for a small donation while you were coming out of your speciality weight loss center who you pay foolishly to make you starve, in an attempt to get rid of the paunch you think is the one thing that stands between you and the women of your dreams. Guruji’s answer to you is that the poor are not trying to put on weight, they are trying to stay put. And his advice to you is, never ever use the word ‘synergy’ in front of another human being, you may spew it on your powerpointer boss instead if its that irrepressible.

[Q] Malini asks from Mangalore - Guruji, will we Indians ever learn some basic manners? If so when?

[A] Guruji -  When it can earn us dollars

[Q] Pushpakumar asks from Pushkar -Guruji, you only address your women disciples 'Dear', are we men not dear to you?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is not only a spiritual leader but also straight.

Ok dears, Guruji got to leave now as its time for a special darshan - to a few of his special followers, that include a union minister, a fortune 500 CEO and a couple of other endangered animals. 

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Guru's column - Part 4

Ladies, Gentlemen and Guruji’s followers,

Guruji was on a visit to few European countries, invited by the heads of states there to seek his advice on tackling the civil unrest arising in their countries due to the worsening economic situation. Guruji had asked them to increase the beer production to put the unrest to rest, and he will be busy next week visiting the breweries to check stock, and product quality of course. He will hence answer your questions right away.

[Q]  Maneka asks from Punjab - Guruji, I am a strict vegetarian. Will it guarantee me a place in heaven when I die?

[A] Guruji - Maneka dear , No. It won’t. Guruji has doubts on whether the wealth that you amassed to afford eating vegetables every day in this country is all gained through legitimate means or not. Prove him wrong, we can discuss this topic further.

[Q] Jai from Indore asks - Guruji, I’m a college student, I’m looking for Yoga techniques that I can practice during Poetry classes that can keep me awake.

[A] Guruji - Son, the easiest approach to be awake during poetry lectures is to get a Bollywood heroine as lecturer. Of course thats not a very practical solution as poetry cannot be taught by throwing flesh around.  You could also practice Guruji’s (patent pending) Bakabak-asana yoga. It was originally meant for Guruji’s disciples, to practice during his sermons. Good thing about this yoga is that it can be practiced without five-star lawns or spleen-exposing clothing, you just need a couple of people in similar situation around. To know more about it, enroll at the Ashram’s Yoga classes, those enrolling this week will be eligible for a “buy ONE get nONE free!” offer as well.

[Q] Karan asks from Karanpur - Guruji, I recently watched a Bollywood movie in which the heroine repeatedly sings “I Want Fakht You, I Want Fakht You”. What does it mean?

[A] Guruji - Son, Firstly, Guruji is not very sure why the Fakht are you asking this question to your spiritual guru. Secondly, if you are a person watching such Fakht-up movies, just a soul search should get you the answer.

[Q] Sajeed asks from Jaipur - Guruji, a lot of advertisements these days talk about products that are ‘scientifically proven’. What is science? When is something considered scientifically proven?

[A] Guruji - Son, science is nothing but simple things explained with complicated words twisted around. For example, ‘moving your bottom’ will be scientifically explained with Newton’s first law of motion like this -”When viewed in an inertial reference frame, an object either is at rest or moves at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by a force”. Now Newton scientifically proved it, by taking some rest, until his mom acted upon it by forcing him to go get some milk. If you are in this situation, your hypothesis that you are busy(taking rest) don’t stand scientifically proven because your mom won't be viewing you from an “inertial reference frame” while Newton’s hypothesis will, because his mom got the milk when applied force. Science is all about results my son!

[Q] Shree from Srinagar asks - Guruji, why are the questions in normal font while your answers are all bold?

[A] Guruji - Shree dear, a spiritual guru needs to be bold enough to be a sham.

[Q] Savita from Mysore asks - Guruji, they say that “Marriages are made in heaven”. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Dear Savita, heaven is something that you as an individual perceive eternal. In your definition if a hot, congested and overcrowded place between a bunch of video cameras and blinding fluorescent lights is perceived heaven, yes marriages are made in heaven.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he will be back next week and address you, till then, Cheers! ..he mean his blessings to you all.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Guruji's column - Part 3

Hello Children!

Guruji is here to talk to you all, to provide you the ultimate answers to your spiritual and personal problems and doubts. Let us get started.

[Q] Nalini asks from Chennai - Guruji, sometimes I have to hire an autorickshaw to reach my office. But the rikshaw drivers always demand double the meter charges. When I refuse to pay, they call me a stingy person and what not. Are they greedy or I’m stingy here? Is it ok for one to become angry under such circumstances?

[A] Guruji:- Nalini dear, anger is no solution to any problems. In our busy life, we tend to forget what compassion to fellow beings means. We only think about ourselves, our priorities, our needs. For a moment think about the poor auto-driver, his struggle to make ends meet. You may share your feelings with him, that how he and his mucky, putrid, wretched forefathers will burn in hell while vultures relish on their baboon brains for looting and bullying customers in this fashion. Your anger will vanish.

[Q]  Ram from Ramnagara asks - Your Holiness, No matter what I do, my wife always complain. For example, if I don’t clean my shoes, she complains that I dirty the rooms. Now if I decide to clean it one day, her complaint is that I dirtied the sofa. What should I do? If I take up arguments with her in such situations, will I become a mule in my next incarnation?

[A] Guruji:- Ram my son, Guruji advises you to abstain from such vicious thoughts of taking up arguments with your beloved spouse. Because no man has ever won such an attempt yet. “Rajanikant ONCE won an argument with his spouse” goes an old Indian proverb. But don’t worry about becoming a mule in next janam, it won’t happen. Because you will be one in this janam itself if you take up arguments with her.  Clean the shoes outside, things will change.

[Q]  Manohar writes from Najafgargh - Guruji, I’m an Indian male, living in Delhi. My weakness is women. Whenever I see a woman/girl in the market or in a bus or train, I feel the urge know what I mean. I know it’s evil to have such thoughts, yet I’m not able restrain myself. Please help me, how can I overcome this?

[A] Guruji:- Manohar, if your statement started with “..I’m the Indian male..” it would have been apt. Nevertheless, yours is a psycho-physical problem that can be corrected with Guruji’s (patented) ayurvedic medicine “Mirchakatika-choorna”. Get whats called “Bhut Jolokia” in ayurveda(biological name Capsicum Frutescens), make a pulp of it and apply it around all your bodily fluid outlets whenever you feel the said urge. In a few week’s time, you should become a normal human being. Do let Guruji know if things don’t change, he has more advanced yoga and ayurvedic techniques as well for you. 

[Q] Arnob from Calcutta asks - Mahatma, what is Enlightenment?

[A] Guruji - Son, enlightenment is the highest spiritual state that even the greatest gurus aspire for but may go to samadhi without attaining. One has to pass through many many years of dhyana, yoga and pranayama to acquire Enlightenment. Guruji for example is yet to be an enlightened one! Enlightenment is a state when one gets her/his tax refunds credited.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go. May his blessings with you all, provided you enroll for his Yoga classes.