Saturday, August 31, 2013

Guruji's column - Speicial Edition

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator] Dear readers, we are happy to announce that the much awaited biography of Guruji is published now! It is titled “A Di-wine Life”, and is already a New York Times bestseller like any other mediocre book. This special edition of Guruji’s column is an extract of the first chapter of this book, about the centuries long transformation of Guruji, from an ordinary medieval man to a renowned spiritual guru of 21st century.

Guruji was born Jayasimhan(name changed, to protect from being caught for crimes committed in his purvashram), in a family of poor peasants in the year 1386 AD,  in the medieval South Indian kingdom of Venad, founded by Rama Varma Kulashekhara in the 14th century and destroyed by State Beverages Corporation in 21st century. Unlike other boys of his village who lived and died feeding cattle and seeding offsprings, Jayasimhan was an ambitious young man. He moved to the then flourishing South Indian city of Vijayanagara at the age of 22, in search of a better life.

Jayasimhan soon became a successful small-time trade advisor to the visiting merchants to Vijayanagara, with his linguistic skills. He could now afford all the small luxuries that we call the “middle class dreams” today - such as a fully mortgaged house, a pair of fully loaned horses, and even have his own small family(not loaned, for a change).  Jayasimhan with his little fortunes was leading a materialistic life like any other city-dwelling middle-class men of those days, enjoying everything that money could buy(for everything else there was Master Card). Then one evening, things changed for him - for ever. A series of incidents took place that evening which made Jayasimhan realize he is no ordinary human being, but a chosen one whose destiny is to protect the needy and poor - from themselves mainly. It all happened thus..

Jayasimhan was spending an evening with his friends, drinking and listening to a blaring noise (which his friends always mistook for music) in a Madhushala. Jayasimhan suddenly got up and made a revelation that a poem will be written on this place in 20th century and the poet's son will become a famous performing artist in the same century, but will face the wrath of the gods in Indraprastha, and  will be cursed to earn a living in 21st century by selling noodles, nappies or anything that comes his way. Jayasimhan began to realize that something is changing in him, but at that time he attributed it to the brew and went on. Couple of hours later, the second revelation happened thus - Jayasimhan heard a telepathic voice, that he recognized as his spouse’s. The voice was asking if he will be coming home for dinner. When responding non-committally, Jayasimhan expected a weep, a beseech to come back or minimum a deep exhale as one would from any medieval Sati/Savitri. Instead  the response was - “If coming, get a cup of yogurt on the way, rice and pickle are kept on the table.  And I am going to sleep, so don’t ring the bell, use your spare key”. Jayasimhan with this new telepathic powers also understood that the world is not the same anymore, it is changing and is becoming dangerously materialistic, he ought to do something, else in a couple of centuries, curd-rice will become a way of life and also that this world will become Satan's dark abyss with religions, rapists and radio jockeys ruling it.

Jayasimhan then quickly left the Madhushaala and rode his horse home, with an agitated mind, he had only two things in mind now ; firstly, how to save the world, and secondly get yogurt before shops close. On the way, he was confronted by evil forces who were determined to stop him. Jayasimhan  was caught by the city guards, who accused him of riding a horse under influence. He told them that he was within the BAC limits of Vijayanagara,and that the horse after all isn’t drunk. But the guards argued that it has got just the horsepowers, and the tack and alcohol smell is with the rider. Jayasimhan started realizing the need for a new social order, an awakened society, where the rich and powerful cannot stop and torture innocent souls anywhere, anytime they want.

Though he was advised by bystanders to follow the Vijayanagara tradition, tip the guards and save himself, Jayasimhan had decided to fight for justice. He took out the sword, cut his index finger, collected few drops of blood and sent it to the palace hospital for tests. Hours passed, and it was the guards who were now caught off guard. They somehow wanted to put an end to the bloodshed and go home. They set Jayasimhan free and pleaded him to leave, he however was determined to prove his innocence. So intense was his desire to fight for justice that if Kafka was present there at that time, he would have renamed Josef K to Jayasimhan K with immediate effect. Well past mid-night, the results came out negative and the guards had to let him go or rather he let them go.

Jayasimhan came home as a new individual,one who is not only righteous but also having prognostication and telepathic powers,  though he had to settle for rice and pickle that evening. Jayasimhan silently said goodbye to his sleeping spouse and child, went to the veranda, sat below a ceiling fan(he avoided a tree, so that history won't repeat) and went into a deep meditation in search of truth, that lasted for few centuries. He was awakened, as an enlightened one, on a Śrāvaṇa Sunday morning in 2013 AD, entered into his new incarnation as a spiritual guru under the name His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj, or simply Guruji  to his more impatient disciples. He had some hot idliy-sambar-tea combo and started his journey as a spiritual mentor to the society, fighting for justice and peace wherever they were denied, using his spiritual powers and knowledge. His mission today is to save the poor and needy from the attacks of evil forces such as news-anchors, auto drivers, spouses, Bollywood, fashion designers, tabloids, street dogs etc etc..

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator] The weekly "Dialogues with Guruji" column will be published tomorrow..

Friday, August 23, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 10

Hello Children,

Guruji’s seasons greetings to all - on this Murder & Rapes Season. Let us get started.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, Dr.Dabholkar had to pay by his life for telling the truth. Why no spiritual leader or guru staged satyagraha and jumped from the dais seeking justice?

[A] Guruji - Sam, Guruji had already answered this in a previous dialog. We spiritual leaders will respond only if someone come shoving our own bottoms or try to reclaim the land we grabbed. It is not in our karma to stand for people who do the mistake of thinking rationally, logically etc.

[Q] John from Kerala asks -  I’m nearing 50s and is having this constant fear of becoming old. Is there any yoga technique that can keep me young?

[A] Guruji - John son, yours is a simple anxiety syndrome common among men nearing retirement and can be easily cured without going bankrupt learning Guruji’s yoga techniques. Here are few things you can do to overcome this - Stop aspiring for younger women, stop looking down at your ponch, stop watching Mammootty movies and start spending your leisure time doing some of the challenges that you always wanted to take up in life, such as driving around the country in a Bullet, keeping a donkey as pet, tinkling on your neighbor's lawn etc. All your anxieties will vanish and you can lead a happy retired life.

[Q] Chandini from Chandini Chowk asks - Gurudev, I would like to come to The Ashram for darshan. What are the timings?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chandini, Guruji’s direct darshans are stopped for now, mainly due to security concerns - on STDs and hidden cameras that is.

[Q] Anil asks - Guru, I read somewhere that you have postulated a new “Athi-Vishisht-Advaita Siddhant”. Can you briefly explain the crux of this Siddhant?

[A] Guruji - Son, Athi-Vishisht-Advaita Siddhant or AVAS is a relatively new school of thought in theology, put forward by Guruji. Though it has multiple dimensions and is deep-rooted with many spiritual, philosophical, social and theological aspects that forms the undercurrents of this theory, the crux of it can be explained thus - “Spirituality and spirit business are two sides of the same unlaundered undergarments”

[Q] Hema asks from Hyderabad - Your Holiness, my husband is a public servant who made a fortune through wrongful means.Today we have bungalows, estates, cars etc because of this. For a while my conscience tells me that it is all wrong and I should persuade him to become an honest and righteous person. But then my conscience also tells me that my five star salon and supermarket will then become unaffordable for me. What should I do? Will I become a leech in my next janam if I continue like this?

[A] Guruji - Hema, Guruji’s advice to you is that for a moment, think that your husband is not taking money but accepting sexual favours as bribe. If your consciences is still ok with that, you may continue to enjoy living on his fortune without worrying about becoming a leech, as two consecutive incarnations will never be the same for a soul.

[Q] Yogesh from Pune asks - Guruji, I am a college student, when I go out wearing my red or yellow trousers, some people stare at me. Why do they do so? Isn’t it bad manners to stare at someone?

[A] Guruji - Son, they are not staring at you, they are just perplexed; that why the T-shirt is not golden.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, as he has to deliver the keynote address on universal brotherhood at the world spirituality convention, happening at Tirupati Bar. May his blessings be with you all till we meet next time.

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator ] -  Many of Guruji’s disciples ask us on why their questions are not answered. Every week a few selected spiritually relevant questions are presented to Guruji by the editor. We request the disciples not to be disappointed if your questions are not included this week, we will ensure that it is considered next week based on availability of space; in the dustbin we mean.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 9

Gruffladies and Gentlemen,

Guruji has arrived on the dais now, let us get started with your questions.

[Q] Savita asks from Bangalore - Guruji, in this 21st century also there are a lot of people out there who are  superstitious, ultra-religious and intolerant. Why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Savita, it is because there still are a lot of 20th century born airheads and their offsprings out there.

[Q] Gopal asks  - Guruji, you have been living in this world for many centuries and have seen many emperors, kings and now democratically elected governments. What in your observation are the main differences between then and now?

[A] Guruji - Only one my son, back then the capitals had better sewage.

[Q] Lata asks from Latur - Your Holiness, why does it always have to be the woman who pays for marriage and the life thereafter in this country? Will it ever change?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, it is a fact that we lost more women to marriages than all other calamities put together. Women’s organizations and social leaders like Guruji have been fighting for independence and self-sustenance of women for many decades. We have won a landmark achievement about a decade ago by getting women the right to control the remote during prime-time serial hours. Such changes now are also spreading to other important social aspects such as mobile phone consumption, L-board driving, cosmetic-spending etc as well. Guruji foresee that awakening of women in this country is inevitable and is happening already.

[Q]Max asks - Mr.Guruji, why many of you spiritual gurus including yourself keep multiple “Shri”s in front of your name ?

[A] Guruji - We originally wanted to keep multiple Sthris, but since that could invite legal and other hassles, we decided to settle for Shris. 

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between Eau de Cologne and Eau de Toilette ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, though this question is not a spiritually pertinent one, but because this is a question that has been troubling many people for years, Guruji The Sarvajña will answer it here. In Osmology, these are two different fragrances of aromatic compounds, classified based on their scent in comparison with that of two spots. In French, “cologne” stands for colon and “Toilette” is a water-closet. “Eau de” can be translated roughly to “Your damn” in English.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now, to handle a mid-month crisis - of his creditors and suppliers knocking his door on the Sunday morning.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 8

Hello Children,

Let us get started with the questions right away as Guruji is in a hurry, not because he has a busy day ahead as you thought wrongly, but because he is having a limited internet access due to non-payment of monthly phone bill.

 [Q] Mahesh asks from Mahim - Guruji, my credit card company sends me an automated birthday wishes every year on my birthday. We all know that a computer generated birthday wishes can never make a person feel happy. Why then are they still doing this?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, there are two parts to the answer here (like the answers in the corporate world). Firstly, credit card company sends it not to wish you but to remind you that though you are getting older and wiser, you still owe them a lot and they are still watching you. The second part is that a person - as long as s/he is a human - can never be made happy with anything, let alone sending greetings. Even if your credit card company employ your Bollywood dreamgirl to send the greetings handwritten with her fresh lipstick on it too it is not going to make you happy because you will then complain that the woman wasn’t sent along in flesh and blood(well..mostly in flesh because we are talking Bollywood girls here). Hence Guruji’s advice to you is to use the card responsibly, and don’t try to give too much thoughts into such things.

[Q] Nalini from Chennai asks -  Guru, should an honest, responsible person like me use modern technology like smart phones, because they also help many a criminal these days. Aren’t they evil ?

[A] Guruji - No dear, it’s not the smart phones that are evil. In Guruji’s experience with them, most of the time it is the operating system that runs it evil.

[Q] Pinky asks from Pimpri -  Your holiness, most of the modern day spiritual leaders and gurus have Facebook accounts, but you don’t have one. Why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Pinky, Guruji doesn’t like to like what he doesn’t like.

[Q] Gopal asks - Guruji, last week you said that you are taking up a very long journey in search of truth. But you are back now. Did you find the truth ? If so where did you find it?

[A] Guruji - Yes Gopal, he found it in his wallet.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, I have listened to a few sermons of yours in recent past. Never you take up issues that are affecting our society such as political wrongdoings, atrocities in the name of religion, majority, minority etc. Isn’t that what a true Guru should try to resolve with his spiritual powers and influence? Why can’t you take up things that are more socially impacting than personal grievances and marital issues?

[A] Guruji - Son, everyone got her/his Karma and you should focus only on the Karma that the almighty has assigned to you. Guruji is also doing exactly that. Right now his karma is to crack mediocre jokes and enjoy his calvados while the rich and the powerful burn the bottom of many a poor fellow being. What our mythology teach us also is the same, that one must not deviate from the path of Karma until someone come scorching her/his own bottom.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go. He will be back with you next week, unless his present incarnation reaches it’s expiry date by then.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 7

Ladies, Gentlemen and Disciples,

Guruji is here now with you, at your service, as his car is at service.

[Q] Fazil asks from Fazilka - Your holiness, whenever a natural calamity or human made disaster happen, news reports always assess the casualties in terms of how many innocent women and children were affected. Never how many innocent men were injured or succumbed. I know children are innocent. But should they differentiate between men and women when comes to innocence?

[A] Guruji - Son, innocence is a common trait. The differentiation is because of the way an individual comes to possess this quality. It is different for men and women. Women are innocent innately, circumstances turn them into monsters that they are not, such as the sight of an apparel shop. Men on the other hand are born crooks, circumstances make them act innocent. Circumstances could be a love affair or a wedlock. This difference also answers why there are more men than women in jails and stock markets across the world.

[Q] Biplab asks from Kolkata - Guruji, I’m an atheist and I think religions are the biggest blockades in the progress of we humans. They killed more people than world wars or epidemics in the past. Do we need religions ? Won’t this world be a better place without religions?

[A] Guruji - Son, by choosing to be an atheist, you have taken a wrong and evil path in life. You must change and lead a god-fearing and faithful life. The almighty has created this world and it is he who decided to have religions. We mere mortals should not question it. Now if you still insist in doing so, Guruji would like to ask you a question back - whether your faltu-forefathers will get us holidays if we  abolish religions.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I’m the captain of a national Cricket team, and also a disciple of yours. We are taking up a tour abroad soon for a major championship. Do you have any advises for me and my team?

[A]  Guruji - Son, you have Guruji’s blessings always. However, you must also not forget the fact that all what you have today is because of the almighty, and never forget to pay your tributes to him when you take up any new ventures. So call him right away and finalize the deal amount and signals to use, success is guaranteed.

[Q] Juhi from Juhu asks - Guruji, between men and women, who are more spiritual from your experience as a spiritual guru?

[A] Guruji - Dear Juhi, we cannot differentiate something that is universally applicable like spirituality by gender. However the way men and women prefer to experience spirituality is usually different from Guruji’s experience as a spiritual guide for the last 2 centuries. Most men like it on the rocks while women prefer it cocktail-ed.

[Q] Ramkumar asks - Guruji, is there anything common at all between science and religion ?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son - greed

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now. His blessings will always be with you, even if you or your next couple of generations don’t hear from him as he is taking up a long journey, in search of some of the ultimate truths of human life, and it is his desire to return only if he find them.