Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Socialism

Ladies, Gentlemen and mango-men,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, please get started with your queries and worries,

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, Socialism or Capitalism - which is good for the welfare of human society in the long run ?

[A] Guruji - Son, these economic systems differ fundamentally on how wealth is distributed in the society. Wealth as in your hard-earned, half-axed monthly income and not the wealth that your employers and political masters have tucked away in tax havens. In a capitalist system, the distribution of wealth is called "direct distribution", where all your suppliers and debtors line up and grab your wealth at the end of the month directly from you. But in a socialist system, the wealth distribution is the duty of state to ensure that there is no inequality in the distribution. Here the state fetches and distributes your wealth equally among all the needy and poor such as the lazy-unemployed, the white-elephant staffers, the bankrupt corporations etc. For you as an individual, ultimately both are good systems as both aims at the welfare of society by ensuring that your bank account is emptied by month end so that you are inspired to keep working towards the next month’s bed and breakfast.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, your disciples sometime ago conducted nation-wide monkey jumping events collecting money to create a life-size statue of yours that they claimed can save the country from all the evil spirits that cast eyes on our country, due to which we are still a lot poorer compared to the rest of the world. Has the statue been erected and has it started drawing results ?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son, the said erection has happened, you may see a snapshot of it HERE. On results - yes, it has earned the noble souls who collected the donations a good fortune that each of them now drives a Fortuner.

[Q] Mrs.Lata asks - Guruji, this is about my teenage daughter. She is addicted to Facebook and spends all her time on it. She is glued on to her computer screen interacting with her Facebook friends on all her non-school hours. Her father and I tried various ways including physical punishment to get her out of this habit, but with no results.I am worried about my daughter’s future, how can I persuade her to come out of it and focus on her studies?

[A]  Guruji - Dear Mrs.Lata, trying to dissuade today’s teenagers from using social networking through physical punishment is like trying to convert a hyena vegetarian by force-feeding it sambar-rice. You must use a more pragmatic approach here. One option is to encourage them to move to Google+ as their social networking platform. You can persuade them to do so by educating them that Facebook is secretive and hence evil and can trade their souls, while one cannot hide anything from Google anyway and it already has a copy of your soul all the time. Once they start using Google+, they will soon give up trying to understand it, and will start hating social networking altogether. Then enroll them for Guitar or Football classes depending on which will potentially keep your drawing room intact in the long run, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Kavya asks - Guruji, I’m a highschool student. My parents think social networking is evil and always behind me to stop it whenever I’m on Facebook. My mother had even beaten me on couple occasions on this. I want to make them understand how important my Facebook is for me. How should I go about?

[A] Guruji - Kavya dear, Guruji has been living in this world for many centuries and he can tell you that it’s very hard for people of any generation to make their parents understand what’s cool for their generation. Any attempt to argue with your parents on this will be an exercise as as futile as trying to feed a hyena with Margherita pizza to turn it vegan. The best thing for you to do is demonstrate them how harmless, interactive, informative and recreative social networking is. For this, create Facebook accounts for your mom and dad, help them connect with their high school, college crushes, you have Guruji’s assurance that they will no longer pester you on this topic. However, make sure you connect both mom and dad on it. Else suspicion, jealousy etc can happen between them, making your home so parliamentary that paramilitary forces have to be called in to bring back peace.

Ok children, time for Guruji to retire to his meditation chamber, he will meet you here again next week unless he gets to do something better by then.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Social Networking

Ladies, Gentlemen and Twitterati,

His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj has arrived on the (equally long) darshan-dais and will hear your grievances now. Do get started.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am a 24 year old business executive who is heavily into social networking from my college days. But my current girlfriend suspects that I do this mainly to woo other girls and she wants me to unfriend all my female social network friends, else she will 'expose' me. Isn't it unethical for ones own girlfriend to expose him? What should I do now?

[A] Guruji -  Son, it indeed is unethical for any current girlfriends to expose a man in front of his future ones, especially if there are things about him that when 'exposed' can look mean to those futures. In that case you must unfriend, unfollow and whatever other social un-networking you can do to your current and start following, friending and fuc..

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Your Holiness, we are into spirituality!

[A] Guruji - [..shaant ho ja Editor Bete, we still are]..fuchting your future ones.

[Q] Anonymous and Guruji’s Blog Editor jointly asks - Guruji, what does “fuchting” mean?

[A] Guruji - It is a term used in social networking to indicate one’s intense desire to get networked with a certain other person.

[Q] Anonymous asks  - Guruji, I have been in the social networking world even before my parents were born,  but I never heard such a word before?

[A] Guruji - Guruji would like to ask you since when have you heard the word “social networking world” itself anyway. You sure are born before your parents, but must remember that Guruji sees future, so stop worrying about the word and start practicing it, the word will find its way in, Guruji assure you.

[Q] Sooraj asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about Aam-aadmi party?

[A] Guruji - Son, a true spiritual guru ought to stay away from politicking, partying and similar material subjects unless it give him material pleasures and hence Guruji won’t comment on this topic. However, he would like to remind you that Aams are seasonal fruits, and artificially ripened ones sold in the city markets are toxic too.

[Q] Laxmi asks - Guruji, I hear that airlines and aviation authorities all over the world are planning to lift the ban on using mobile phones in-flight. Will it have any adverse impact on air travelers?

[A] Guruji - No dear, it will not, provided you take the right safety measures. Guruji’s ashram has started supplying wearable spiritual ornaments such as his Blessed De-demonizer earplugs which will protect air passengers by casting out mobile-daemons or mombies that may attack them taking advantage of this policy change. Mombies  by the way are evil spirits that are loudspeakers permanently plugged into cellphones and have the power to trade your soul by sitting next to you in public places and passenger carriers.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I’m a 30 year old computer software professional, now on the lookout for a suitable bride. I am looking for one who is “traditional, but with a modern outlook”. Where should I start my search?

[A] Guruji - At Hindustan Motors - an Ambassador with power-steering will suite your definition.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to leave, as he has a special darshan to give to scientists from a space research organization who are seeking his advice on the next suitable muhurta they can send taxpayers money to the moon. He will meet you same time, same place again unless Lady-fate has other plans for him.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Forgiveness

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors,

Guruji had been on mission to recover and rehabilitate a large number of destitutes who were kept at a distance by the mainstream society for a long time for their lack of grey matter content in brain. Guruji’s efforts has been focused on giving them a new life by empowering them to acquire some human skills that will enable them to lead normal life. Here he is for you, just returned from his mission to the Big Boss House. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Miss.K asks - Guruji, I started my career with a leading advertising company six months back. A senior male colleague often tries to take undue advantage of me by purposely patting on my shoulders or cheeks on the pretext of appreciating my work. I hate him and often think of taking revenge on him by some or other means. How should I deal with this situation ?

[A] Guruji - Dear K, as Guruji mentioned in this forum multiple times, hatred and vengeance are no solution to any problems. One must practice forgiveness and remission because only by forgiving that you can educate such sinners to become better human beings. Guruji would advise you to pardon your colleague for his misdeeds and next time when this happens, you must also pat him back on his cheeks instead as a truly good-hearted person. Make sure that your patting goes at a rate of 4000 newtons force that he needs a couple of molar replacements but. He will behave well thereafter with your this display of forbearance Guruji assure you.

[Q] Uma asks - Guruji, it’s been a very long time since we humans originated and by now we have somewhat mastered the art of procreation, mate selection tactics and stuff like that. Yet a lot of research reports come out every year with something even our primate forefathers new such as “Study proves women find armpit smelling men less attractive", "Survey shows men prefer women with bigger boo..”

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Sorry to intervene.. this is a spiritual forum..

[Q] Uma - I was to say boot-heels. Guruji, my question is - why people are still interested in such researches ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Uma, there is nothing wrong in such researches. Say we humans have been eating chicken for thousands of years now, both raw and cooked. Yet when a new fried-chicken restaurant opens, you throng there, though it still will be the same old chicken in a new packet. And none of these restaurants have gone out of business for the reason that chicken is tasting the same from pre-historic times. Because flesh businesses always has a market, then,now and in future.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in your opinion, will the Aam Aadmi party victory in Delhi have far reaching impacts in the Indian political spectrum?

[A] Guruji - There is a short answer and a long answer to this question. The short answer is “Yes” and the long answer is “No”.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness, I am taking up a pilgrimage to all the major religious shrines in the country. What are the most important things one should carry along while on such a pilgrimage that can make the journey more fruitful ?

[A] Guruji - Garbage bags.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, I recently visited a religious shrine in South India where they insisted I take off my shirt before entering the premises. The same place also doesn’t allow women wearing jeans to enter as well. Why such barbaric rules and regulations still prevail in our society ?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must realize that every religious ritual has it’s own symbolism associated and you must not take it in it’s literal sense. For example, when you light a candle or lamp in a shrine, you are symbolically burning the bottoms of all evil spirits around you such as rakshasas, yakshis, reality-show producers etc. The ritual of removing your shirt symbolically reminds you of the importance of humility in one’s life. Because, only when you come across such pre-historic practices will you realize that we humans have not all that evolved from primates. That realization - that you still are a monkey with a smartphone  - will help you stay humble in life.

[Q] Karthik asks - Guruji, I am a university student, I was forced by my parents to study science while I wasn’t interested in that subject. I want to be a movie actor like my celluloid heroes and wants to work towards that. Under these circumstances, I’m sure going to be a dropout from college soon. Can you please predict what will be my future?

[A] Guruji - Son, under these circumstances no prediction is possible on your future, as predicting something thats not going to be there is impossible.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, should I feel happy about receiving an automated “New Year Greetings”? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Yes, you should feel good about it because if you are reading it that implies you are not brain-dead unlike the sender.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I was a leading editor-in-chief and a political think-tank of my country till recently when I was caught and put in jail for misbehaving with women. I repent it now and would like to come out as a good human being. What is your advice for me ?

[A] Guruji - Son Think-tank, start using your brain instead of your sperm-tank to think, you will do better in life.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, he will converse with you sometime in future, though he cannot commit when as he is taking up a long journey in search of truth, of which he knows nothing right now when/where will it end, as he is going to the transport department office to have his driving license renewed - without paying bribe.