Guruji Speaks - Cow-wards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Mentally-fully disciples of Guruji,

Guruji has placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Gopal asks - Guruji, I have spent my entire adult life serving the political party whose ideology I believe in. But now the party has selected an ignorant, idiotic imbecile as its nominee for our upper house of parliament whose only qualification is that he is a page three celebrity. Should I now continue to work for or quit the party ?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is surprising that after serving a political party this long also your brain still is in a  normal state that you are able to ask this reasonable question. Guruji’s advice to you is to not get demotivated because in politics, “If your mama ask you to call someone papa, do so; even if that is a limp dick llama in the city zoo”

[Q] Seema asks - Guruji, why is it that we - the urban middle class in our part of the world - are in this constant trap of repaying some or other loans throughout our lives? Isn’t there an end to this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Seema, the said class is the laziest creatures alive on this planet currently and this Loan-liness is how mother nature ensures that you all are kept occupied throughout your life. Don’t worry, you will get moksha from this when you kick the bucket, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, in our culture, a cow that gives us milk and is also the economic backbone of many a rural family is symbolically considered equivalent to a mother and is worth worshipping. But some antisocial elements think this is primitive thinking and are spreading all sorts of propaganda against it. Isn’t the cow worth worshiping as a mother ?

[A] Guruji - Indeed my son! The cow is equivalent to your mother for several reasons, Guruji will mention few of them here for the knowledge of our ignorant naysayers on this matter. A cow is equivalent to your mother in all respects because,

• The cow painstakingly carried you in her womb for 10 months, slept seldom while you kicked her from inside all corners in your attempt to come out and fight for her motherly cow rights
• The cow underwent the pain of a lifetime that evening when she gave birth to you who came out screening “Thank you, Holy Cow!”
• The cow had set aside her career aspirations, personal interests, hobbies all to bring you up, hoping one day you will become a mighty cow-ward and kill those who eat beef
• The cow kept herself awake for many consecutive nights sitting at your bedside when you were running such high fever that you started seeing chicken as your cousins and goats as your aunts
• The cow had literally begged, pleaded, sacrificing her self esteem as a righteous individual when the college throw you out for misconduct, to take you back so that you can go on to become a world renowned cow-boy in future
• It is the cow that spent sleepless nights worrying about your wellbeing when your company sent you to remote hostile countries to work under cow slaughterers
• The cow awaited months together for your arrival on vacation and prepared your favorite amrakhand from pure cow milk ignoring her arthritis and shoulder pain

There are many other such reasons as well my son for treating the cow like your mother, on which Guruji can enlighten you on another occasion. Hence my children, Guruji urges all his disciples not to trivialize cow-hood and consider them equivalent to your mother hereafter.

 [Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I am sick of hearing this men vs women jokes all the time in my social circles. At times I feel this is widening the gap between the genders. Will it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, mother nature has brought us up as men and women so that we can crack jokes at each other's expense. Don’t worry, gender jokes are not going to cause the extinction of your species; provided the jokes are of the right quality, right audience and cracked at the right situation.

Children, Guruji got to take leave now as he has to conduct a few special secret poojas for his openly atheist, but closely theist comrades. He shall meet you someplace next month unless they sacrifice him to the atheist gods by then.

Guruji Speaks - Goodwill Ambassadors

Ladies, Gentlemen and Media,

Guruji had been helping the government in his part of the world to select its goodwill ambassador for the next Olympic games. Below is a transcript of the selection process - published by Guruji’s ashram in public interest and also for governments in future as a guideline how to select good goodwill ambassadors. Guruji was assisted by Her Holiness Maa Aandamayi Devi (HH MAD as she is popularly known) in this selection process.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

(Enter HIS HOLY BOTTOM and HH MAD on the dais, sitting)

HH MAD : Oh Guruji Maharaj, is this a stage play we are into for having the transcript written this way?

GURUJI: Oh Maate! When comes to detailing events, there is no better form than a stage play. Also,this is a stage-managed selection you must know !

(Enter Guruji’s assistant YOGRAJ, panting. GURUJI withdraws his eyes off HH MAD’s Holy Bottoms, looks at Yograj)

YOGRAG: Mahadev, I have Bollywood actor Kalman Shan awaiting darshan and the interview

GURUJI : Do lead him in my son. Also, why are you panting in this manner ?

YOGRAG: Mahadev, he almost ran me over at the ashram’s driveway. He says he can’t resist doing so when he see wretched looking people on sidewalks.

(YOGRAG bows, leaves. GURUJI and HH MAD exchange a wicked grin. Enters KALMAN SHAN, removes his shirt, falls on Guruji’s feet)

GURUJI (Aside) : That is a nice gesture ! Next time we must remember to shortlist few actresses as well

HH MAD (Telepathically to GURUJI) : Mahadev, that’s highly misogynistic of Your Holy Bottom! Use ‘actor’ as a gender neutral term when referring to female performers please.

GURUJI (Telepathically to HH MAD) : Avashy Mataji! But may he keep his mistresses and hostesses?

HH MAD  (Telepathically to HH MAD) : Avashy Maharaj !

GURUJI  (Telepathically to HH MAD) :  Oh Mataji, we are not into epic tele-serials to address each other like this

HH MAD  (Telepathically to HH MAD) :  Apologies Gurudev, I was a serial-killer in my previous avatar you see. Let us now focus on the boy. By the way, did you notice his six packs?

GURUJI (in a high-pitched voice): Mataji, we have an important job in hand !

(GURUJI lifts the still fallen KALMAN up, leads him to a chair, places His Holy Bottom on another. HH MAD is still having her eyes superglued on to the actor’s abdominal landscape)

GURUJI (to KALMAN) : Oh my son, you know the purpose of this darshan, let us get started without wasting much time

GURUJI (Aside) : Wake up you adulteress!

(HH MAD springs up from her chair as if she is stung by a bottom-sipper bee, sits down again, smiles)

GURUJI (to KALMAN) : Son, why do you think you are the right person for this job?

KALMAN (Clearing his throat) : Gurudev, if Malkadi can be the Olympic association president, Molit Lady can head the Cricket Premier league..

GURUJI (Interrupting KALMAN): Son, you answered me. Let us continue. Do you have any sporting skills?

KALMAN (Excitedly) : Of course Gurudev, I am a good shooter!

GURUJI : How nice! Rifle or Pistol ?

KALMAN: Neither Gurudev, I can shoot blackbucks

(GURUJI and HH MAD again exchange a wicked grin)

HH MAD : Son, what do you think is the primary message of Olympic games to people of our country?

KALMAN: Mataji, I think it gives a message to people that Doordarshan Sports channel still exists

HH MAD: Well done my son! Can you tell me what are the colors of the five rings of the Olympic symbol?

KALMAN: Saffron, Saffron, Saffron, Saffron and Saffron

(GURUJI gets up, embraces KALMAN, tries to do the same with HH MAD, but she escapes by moving behind the chair quickly)

GURUJI : Well done my son! You shall be the goodwill ambassador of our country in the next Olympic Games!

KALMAN: I’m honoured Your Holy Bottom. May I know when and where this Olympiscs is going to be held? I have to apply for the visa accordingly.

GURUJI: It is Olympics my son, and is going to be held in Rio de Janeiro.

KALMAN(Aside): Rio-the what? Never mind, I can Google it

(KALMAN bows both, leaves. GURUJI and HH MAD exchange a wicked grin, both leave the dais. Blackout)

ACT 2 SCENE 1

(Lights. Press-conference . Enters Sports Minister and YOGRAJ. Sitting )

SM: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very happy to announce Mr. Kalman Shan as the goodwill ambassador of our country for the next Olympic games !

(Journalist-looking-person stands up)

JLP : Mr. Minister, why do you have a person with no connection whatsoever with sports selected for this job ?

SM: My friend, it is Guruji’s wish that Mr.Kalman be the ambassador to bring us good luck, we cannot question a god-send direction from a godsend person you must know. Let us toast for the success of our Olympic team!

(All rise, raise wine glasses and toast - “Hail Goddesses Motherland ! ”. Blackout)

Note:- Guruji shall give his regular darshan to disciples same time, same place next month unless there are actors(f) he has to hand-pick for other forthcoming international events as goodwill ambassadors.

Guruji Speaks - WTF

Ladies and Gentle horses,

Guruji will now address you all, do get started.

[Q] RVG asks - Guruji, I am a movie maker in my part of the world. We usually copy successful formulas and trends from Hollywood and create local blockbusters, adding local cultural context such as item-numbers. Now the trend there is super-hero duets. I would like to make one on those lines. Could you please recommend me a numerologically auspicious name for this movie ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly movie makers in your part of the world asking advice from spiritual gurus is like flu-viruses seeking inspiration from cancer cells.Nevertheless, Guruji advises you to title it “Shaktiman vs Batty-man” in alignment with your present social context.

[Q] MRK asks - Guruji, I am a lawmaker in my part of the world. Recently we coined a new slogan “Hail Goddesses Motherland” to pay homage to our motherland. But many of our citizens are refusing to chant the same saying they don’t visualize motherland as a goddesses. Doesn’t it clearly amount to sedition ? Shouldn’t such people be expelled from the country or put in jail ?

[A] Guruji - Son, while personifying your motherland as a goddesses / mermaid / pole-dancer is creative, trying to enforce that image on others is philosophically palaeolithic. Even worse if you have emigrated and naturalized the said golden goddesses (along with her pet cat) from her colonial avatar. If your objective is to pay homage to your motherland, Guruji advises you to stop spitting on her and stop stealing from her hard-earned tax money.

[Q] Kishan asks - Guruji, I am a university student. Lately there is some civil unrest in my part of the world that is some way or other connected to campus politics. Is student-politics good for our future ?

[A] Guruji - Son, in a society such as yours where adult politics itself is in a mucky, monkey state, students politicking around will be like crapping into an unflushed closet - adding more filth, more stink. Guruji’s advice to all of you in the universities is to aim for securing a brighter future and direct your time and resources on activities towards that - such as getting wacky haircuts done or watching Bollywood item numbers.

[Q] Kamala asks - Guruji, it is about my college going son, he has no interest in his academics, he is only interested in getting weird hair-styles done and watching 3rd class movies, influenced by some leech-brained loser who advises him. As parent, I would like to find out what his talents are and guide him to choose a career accordingly. Can you please advise how to go about ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamala, the best way to know where your son’s talent lies is to follow his lies. If he lies a lot about the past, he will become a historian. If he is lying about the present, he will become a good salesman. If he lies about future, he will become a political leader. If he lies in all three tenses, chances are that he will become a spiritual guru.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, this is an era where spiritual gurus are doing brand building through advertising campaigns or global meets. Why do we not see any such activities from your holy bottom ? Isn’t it important for the rest of the world to learn about your revolutionary spiritual practices and snake oil medicines?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, you are right. Towards this Guruji’s ashram will be hosting the first ever “World Torturing Forum”(WTF) this summer, for promoting peace and communal harmony. In this event, different kinds of cultural activities from around the world such as mudslinging, honor-killing, head chopping, TV news debates, Bollywood item-dances etc will be showcased to build awareness on torturing among people.

[Q] Meera asks - This is great to know, when and where will the WTF be organized?

[A] Guruji - Dear, the biggest challenge with organizing something of this size is the funding and infrastructure. The ashram is waiting to secure a few escapable bank loans and encroachable river banks for hosting WTF. Once they are ready, the dates will be officially announced through our key sponsors such as environmental agencies and mental asylums.

[Q] Asma asks - Guruji, unprecedented levels of divisive  propaganda being spread around the world these days and people have no hesitation to kill even innocent children - in the name of faith, politics, geographic boundaries and what not. Why are we in this state today? Who are responsible for all these ? Is it the religions, the politicians, or technology or something else?

[A] Guruji - Dear Asma, you are right, humanity is going through one of its toughest times ever. There is only one person to blame for this - the dumb-witted mother nature. She should have known the consequences of giving limited intelligence to a savage monkey species and expecting them to take care of this planet.

Children, Guruji has to take leave now to attend to few of his disciples who are waiting for darshan in the form of his unwashed laundry. Your concerns and queries shall be addressed by him another time, another place and may be in another life.

Guruji Speaks - Women’s Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Nation-builders,

Guruji has arrived and placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your concerns and concoctions.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, do we really need to celebrate a special women's day?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is unfortunate that you are asking such a question, it only indicates the male-chauvinistic traits that some of us men possess even in 21st century. We definitely need a day to recognize, regard and reward our women, otherwise history will not be kind on us, we will be labelled a generation that didn’t sell women’s accessories.

[Q] Judi asks - Guruji, many a priest in my religion conduct faith healing sessions. Is there in any truth in faith healing?

[A] Guruji - Of course dear, Guruji himself had been a faith-healer in his previous avatar. The truth about faith healing is that such faith is a condition that needs healing.

[Q] Mitun asks - Guruji, I'm getting married soon, I would like to know what is the best way to keep my marriage successful, without arguments or fights ?

[A] Guruji - Son, marital matters are better addressed by materialists or martial arts experts than monks. However he will tell you this much that conflicts are inexorable in any marriage, unless it is between your smartphone and it's charger. The key to have a successful marriage is not about having no fights, but about winning it. If you win, your marriage lose and vice versa.

[Q] Anonymous Journalist asks - Guruji, some people say that around 70% of people in rural parts of my country have no toilets. Isn't this worrisome, that the governments are doing nothing about it?

[A] Guruji - Dear AJ, it is not the job of the government to peep into people's bottoms and find where are they defecating. Governments got other important things to do for it's needy and poor watch, suite and suite-case sponsors. Also, one must know that it is a very good thing that your population is defecating in public, as that is the proof that there is no poverty in your welfare state. If they poop, they ate. 

[Q] Sameer asks - Guruji, why do some people believe that god wants to eliminate people belonging to other faiths ? Don’t they have common sense to understand that if god is god, he could do it himself and need not appoint third party rectums for it ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is afraid you are the one having lack of common sense here to ask such a question. If god was god, he/she wouldn't have allowed procreation of such rectums is more commonsensical an argument.

[Q] Guruji, I belong to a society that was under foreign rule for last few centuries. Now we are determined to regain our past glory. What is your advice for us, where do we start ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is a noble thought indeed, to regain you past glory. Guruji would advise you to not try to regain just the glory of few hundred years but to go back further and try to regain the tail that you lost in the great battle of evolution. Also, before the said few centuries, your very forefathers used to kill each other and rape your fore-mothers and fore-sisters in the name of territorial ownership, try to regain that glory as well on your way back, you have Guruji's blessings.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now. He shall meet you same place, same time next month - unless his holy bottom gets stung by anti-national ants or their nationalist-aunts by then.

Guruji Speaks - Birth Control

Ladies, Gentlemen and Patriots,

Guruji has arrived on the dais to converse with you all. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Rohini asks - Guruji, if a society that suffered from racial abuse for a very long time unleash racial attack on other equally suffering people, what does it indicate ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Rohini, it just proves that anthropologists classified us homo sapiens too early, we are not there yet in the journey of evolution.

[Q] Judy asks - Guruji, in my faith,  they tell us that we should not do artificial birth control as it is against the will of god. Are they right?

[A] Guruji - Dear Judy, uncontrolled production of anything is against all laws of nature and will create imbalances socially, economically, environmentally, mentally. God cannot change that as he does not exist in a form capable of doing so. Also, there is no such thing as natural birth control possible for us humans because no human birth is natural, it’s all artificial - man made.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, Capitalism or Socialism. Which is good ?

[A] Guruji - Son, both are equally good.

[Q] Ram asks - But Guruji, how can two opposite social theories be correct at the same time ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Capitalism is good for the capitalists, socialism is good for socialists and both are equally good for socialites.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, my question was, which is good for the society in general?

[A] Guruji - Son, they are a transnational financial corporation. So Guruji reckon they are on the capitalist side.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you are evading from answering me. Out of those two, which is good for you and me is my question.

[A] Guruji -  You and me are irrelevant here my son, we just have to slog, procreate, again slog and die like street cats.

[Q] Raj asks - Guruji, I would like to change my lifestyle and start leading a life that is more closer to nature. Where should I start ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this indeed is a good move by you, to live a life more closer to nature and thus more meaningful. We rishis have been living natural life for thousands of years. As a first step, stop shaving, brushing and taking bath, you will start looking(and smelling) more natural.

[Q] Vikramjit asks - Guruji, In spite of being nation of a billion people, why we don't excel in sports much ?

[A] Guruji - Son, the reason is our malnutrition.

[Q] Vikramjit asks - Guruji, are you saying that our youngsters are more malnourished than those coming from sub-saharan Africa?

[A] Guruji - No my son, he is only saying that you have a sports ministry that is malnourished.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he has to go miles before he find a garbage bin in his town to jump into and reincarnate as a street cat. He will meet you same time next month, unless of course he got arrested for being an anti national street cat by then.

Guruji Speaks - Ignorance

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, isn’t it wrong for religious shrines to impose entry restrictions on women ?

[A] Guruji - No dear, not at all. Religious doctrines are imposed for a reason and you must respect that. If the gods decide that women are not welcome inside the sanctums, they should not forcibly go there and invite the wrath of the gods. 

[Q] Meena asks - ..but Guruji, these are not restrictions imposed by gods, instead by religious leaders and the clergy..

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, they are THE only gods, at least in such places, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, we humans I understand were originally herbivores. Shouldn’t it be better for us to go back to that then ?

[A] Guruji - Son, we were originally cave dwellers and fibling-suckers too you must know. In the process of evolution, mother nature had stopped breastfeeding us early(she had to deliver one of us every 10 months you see) and trained us to hunt and eat every now and then so that our survival is ensured. So continue that way is Guruji’s advice to you all, unless of course you want to go back to the caves and start..well, you got what he is saying, don’t you.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, they say “scientia potentia est” or Knowledge Is Power. In that case we should be having knowledgeable people leading the society always. Isn’t this proverb wrong then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, This is absolutely wrong, knowledge will not lead you anywhere. Guruji’s centuries long study shows the opposite, that - “Ignorance Is Power”.

[Q] Lata asks - Your Holiness, how could this be possible, can you please elaborate that ?

[A] Guruji - Dear, one must know that,

• Ignorance of voters get politicians elected
• Ignorance of consumers make businesses flourish
• Ignorance of citizens make bureaucracy rule 
• Ignorance of devotees make religions grow
• Ignorance of farmers make merchants prosper
• Ignorance of followers make political parties win elections
• Ignorance of viewers make news channels popular
• Ignorance of fans make Bollywood stars

[Q] Miss X asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about government rewarding citizens annually with civilian awards?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss X, it is absolutely wrong for a government to treat it's citizens differently and reward some while ignoring others. A government should be like a mother to all it’s citizens and a mother feeding her kids according to their intellectual abilities is incorrect.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in that case isn’t it wrong for some of you spiritual gurus to accept these awards ?

[A] Guruji - Of course not my son, we spiritual gurus don't consider the government our mother but a mere bed partner.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, your answers lately make me feel that you are an absolute moron with no cognisance, common sense or respect for traditions and values. Am I right?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, followers get the spiritual leader they deserve

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave and take a leak, he will meet you same place, same time next month; unless an ATC error takes him to the heavens by then.

Guruji Speaks - Asstrology

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors!

Guruji has been in deep meditation for many decades to acquire advanced knowledge in astrology. He has been enlightened by the heavens on many dimensions of astrology hitherto unknown to humanity that he will now practice for the betterment of society and it will be called “Asstrology” hereafter. In today’s special darshan, Guruji will provide asstrological advice to you all on your personal and professional problems. Do keep the following vital information ready - the subject’s date and time of birth, birth-place, mother’s maiden name and credit card details and start your questions.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, how does one’s mother’s maiden name and credit card details influence her/his future?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, there are many facets of cosmic influences on human life that Guruji has discovered and developed in Asstrology. With these two factors an enlightened one like Guruji can give a lot of insight into a person’s life, unlike the birth date-time that can only help predicting their age. Especially a lot of insight can be made into her bank account with that information and hence they are vital to predict one's future as well.

[Q] Sudhakar asks - Guruji, my son was born on 8th of January, 1990 around 6.30 PM in Chennai. Can you please tell me when should he marry, what kind of a girl should we look for him ?

[A] Guruji - Son Saudagar, your son’s birth chart shows Ketu in 1st house, Mangala in 5th house and more importantly the 3rd house has a college going girl he is after. This is not at all a suitable time for him to get married as Shukra is in the 7th house, in the form of the currently minor girl’s kickboxer brother. Hence Guruji advises him to wait for a planetary alignment such that Shukra moves out of 7th house.

[Q] Mr.X asks - Guruji, I am a popular film actor in my part of the world, I have been asked by the government to be the brand ambassador of the country’s tourism initiatives. Is it a good time to pick this up?

[A] Guruji - Son X, Guruji analysed your horoscope, you have Ketu in 11th house, Rahu in 5th house, and a relatively crowded 6th house with nearly every other planet in the solar system which means you are going through astrologically dirty waters currently. Also brand ambassadorship is a double edged closet, means it can spill your own filth on to you if things go wrong. Guruji advises you to advise your government to stop running behind movie actors as a one stop solution to all its publicity needs.

[Q] Mr. Y asks - Your Holiness, you have special powers to help the needy and poor brand ambassadors I understand. I am a famous sports personality in my part of the world and take up brand ambassadorship for virtually anything that comes my way and got into trouble recently when I was portrayed as a godly avatar of branding. Have I done anything wrong?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing wrong in being a brand ambassador god as gods themselves are nobody but brand ambassadors of their respective cults. In other words, brand ambassadors are to brands as gods are to religions - mute mascots. So continue to do your ambassadorial karma and pocket the millions while your stars are shining. Keep your lawyers and political friends happy, things will be fine, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, a comedian recently got arrested for mimicking a spiritual leader. In the wake of this, what is your advice to comedians ?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, cannibalism is not suitable for primate species, hence Guruji urges comedians and clowns to stop mimicking each other to make a living.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now as the space scientists in his part of the world are waiting outside to seek his aastrological advice before launching their new satellite. He will meet you soon, unless he gets arrested for mimicking primatel expressions and thereby hurting the feelings of apeophiles.

Guruji Speaks - God's Guards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political Sports Administrators,

Guruji’s holy-bottom has been placed on the dais for the special new year holy-darshan. Do get started with your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I'm totally confused about this whole thing of democracy in my country. What is wrong when in opposition turns right when in power and vice versa across political parties. Who should I vote next time ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, it is not a problem of democracy as a system but that of the society practising it which still spits and litter in public places, yet cry that the government is inefficient. On the question of who you should vote next time, Guruji advises you to wait till the elections. Media cheerleaders (or cheer-strippers, depending on which angle you look from) in your part of the world will decide it and issue you instructions accordingly.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, I notice that in general women are more religious than men. I deduced it by observing that there are more temple, church going women than men in my part of the world. Why are women more pious traditionally?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly Guruji advises you to get out of that roadside wall you are sitting counting temple-church going women and SPEND YOUR TIME TO DO SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL IN LIFE. Now to answer your question , traditionally no sane woman was religious as all the religions were created by men for their own convenience, one of them being keep women away in the kitchens and bedrooms (in that order). However no social setup can exist without  mass support, hence women were asked by their male masters to follow the order and pray and women fell prey. Since they are more committed to what they do, women became more religious over a period of time.

[Q] Shyam asks - Your Holiness, in that case what is your advice to  today's religious women?

[A] Guruji - The same (capitalized) advice Guruji gave you before holds good for them as well. 

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, I am a member of a self-service society, whose objective is to protect our religion and faith by lynching those whom we think are hurting our religious sentiments. Am I doing the right thing ?

[A] Guruji - Son Sevak, you indeed are doing a noble deed, of protecting the gods who have lately turned into a bunch of numb, hapless, unresponsive cement / stone structures or bookish heroes. You are their only hope, that with all the blood you sprinkle in their name will motivate and wake them up one day and they will start bestowing fortune and happiness all over you and your fellow members. 

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I read somewhere that you are on a mission to modernize astrology and give it a new dimension all together. How is it coming up, what will be your version of astrology known as in future?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is ready and this new advanced branch of astrological studies will be called “Asstrology” 

[Q] Divya asks - Guruji, which is a better form of democracy - one lead by a president or a prime minister ?

[A] Guruji - Either form can work well dear, it all depends on how good the president or the prime minister is; as a showboat.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, what is your new year’s message to us disciples ?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is no new year or old year for an unworldly, spiritual person like Guruji. Calendars are mere tools created by humans to mark worldly events. A new year's day happens because of another cosmological spinning of our tiny planet like any other day. But in general his advice to all his disciples at the moment is to drink lot of water along as well.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take a break to drink some water, may his blessings and care be with you all. He will meet you here soon, unless he get roughed up by some or other god’s guards by then.

Guruji Speaks - Intolerance

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cash cows,

Guruji has ended his long maun-vrat he had taken up in response to the tax department’s increasing intolerance towards his offshore accounts. Now that good days have come for spiritualists like him, he is here to address you all, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Ramya asks - Guruji, people say that intolerance is on the rise in our part of the world. As a sage who had seen many different generations of our society, do you think this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ramya, this is incorrect because sociologically speaking  intolerance is a form of energy which will neither rise nor fall. That means it can neither be created or destroyed and can only be converted from one form to another. For example, 
--When your intolerance to stinking neighbourhoods decrease, your intolerance towards what your neighbours pooped in the neighbourhood will increase and you will cry out “No one can poop monkey meat in my vicinity!”. 
--When your intolerance to other people’s false goddesses increase, your intolerance to own equally false goddesses will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to tax money being spent on PR by your government decrease, your intolerance to those who question it will increase. 
--When your intolerance to people who make noise on increasing intolerance increase, your intolerance to noises in general will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to the qualifications of your education minister increase, your intolerance to ineffective education system will decrease. 

[Q] Samir asks -  Guruji, is it ethical for somebody to eat animals worshipped by others ?

[A] Guruji -  Son Samir, it is absolutely wrong and unethical to eat animals worshipped by others, provided the said animals are endangered, vulnerable, stolen, rotten, uncooked, alive, rearing, torchered, buried, poisoned, plagued or politicked.

[Q] Chottu asks - Guruji uncle, why is that we celebrate Nehru's birthday as Children's day? Isn’t it better to celebrate the birthday of somebody else who we children are more fond of, say Mickey Mouse’s as Children’s day?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, children’s day is celebrated to build awareness among parents how to bring up their children so that they lead a successful life. Nehru was somebody who was highly successful in this, with his child, her children and their children succeeding in governing a country for many decades. Hence he is considered a role model for everybody who got children, and his birthday is celebrated as children’s day. Mickey Mouse on the other hand remained same like the rest of us throughout his life - a cartoon character.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the difference between being extremely spiritual and being fanatical ?

[A] Guruji - being naked in your bathroom is different from being so on the streets my son.

[Q] Miss. Q asks - Guruji, I am the chief minister of a state in my part of the world, I would like to impose full alcohol prohibition in my state as elections are coming up and I can secure a good amount of votes through this action I think. But I am also worried whether it will cause more unrest and catastrophes like hooch tragedies in future ? What is a good solution for this situation?

[A] Guruji - Dear Q, you can go ahead and impose full prohibition in your state without any worries, you have Guruji’s blessings. Guruji shall direct the federal government in your part of the world to form more Union Territories around your state for the welfare of your alcoholic population .

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, isn’t it wrong to appoint unskilled people at the helm of premier institutes in the country ? Shouldn’t it be the experts in the domain who should head them?

[A]. Guruji - Son, this thinking is wrong - that only experts have the expertise to do things. If that was the case we wouldn't have had Bollywood, Yoga Gurus or Public Works Departments in our solar system. An inclusive society is one that gives everyone a chance; irrespective of they are skilled-experts or serial-killers.

[Q]  Sevak asks - Guruji, I live abroad comfortably, but I would like to have all those unfortunate souls in my home country who question wrongdoings there to be deported to a hostile, poor neighbouring country. Some people say I am not entitled to demand so. Can you advise ?

[A] . Guruji - Son Sevak, there is nothing wrong in what you think. For a cow -  any cow, not the cow that you are thinking about - grass always is green in the meadows and she should go there and graze as much as she can. There is nothing wrong and it is her right to complain about the filthy barn she herself dirtied before leaving. This is completely natural and normal behaviour for any animal whether it is a cow or an extremist-expat.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave as he is taking up a world tour to enlighten his overseas followers and preach them on the need for tolerance, love and compassion towards the thugs back home who burn  their neighbours bottoms for the crime of existing. 

Guruji Speaks - Again

Ladies, Gentlemen and their leaders,

Guruji’s asshram is happy to announce you that his holiness has found some time to converse with you all again. His holy bottom is placed on the dias, you may now raise your doubts, grievances and concerns.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, you were not giving darshan for a very long time. Were you on a long pilgrimage or a long maun-vrat?

[A] Guruji - None my son! With the arrival of welfare state in his part of the world, he was busy executing the executive and execution powers that his spiritual bottom was vested with by the government.

[Q] Ram asks - Then Guruji, why have you decided to descend from the throne to talk to us now?

[A] Guruji - Things now stand changed my son; With some eternally conceived sons of a lady with canine bloodline in the media brought up this issue that fake degrees cannot be considered degrees any more and his holiness who was in possession of few  had to surrender his executive powers until the government amend the present law(lessness) such that any degree, including their primate-pedigree should be considered valid and valuable if it is bestowed on a V.I.P. In the meanwhile, Guruji decided to sit back, relax and spend his free time enlightening his disciples.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, It is said that wheels are man’s greatest invention and has changed the course of human life. Can you explain?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is true and for multiple reasons. One was that invention of wheels made man realize the power of rotational motion, a knowledge that was hitherto common sense and was known only to women and children. Also by inventing wheels, man realized that many things can be “invented” and inventions can keep him away from being asked to go out and hunt in the super-market. Also once wheels were invented, man had to invent many more things to place his bottom on it and keep it running steady - such as engines, air-bags, cup-holders etc. In summary, the invention of wheels dramatically changed man’s life until mid 20th century, by when TV remote was invented.

[Q] Smita asks - Guruji, you are an immortal who has seen many many yugas of human life. Recently an eminent personality claimed that aircraft were operational from around 7000 years in his part of the world. Can you confirm whether this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Affirmative dear, in fact some of those 7000 year old crafts are still operational in those parts of the world, they call it the “national carrier” (“Push-Pack Vimaan” in Sanskrit). In fact the cabin crew hired around the same time are still manning, womaning them as well !

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, if spiritual gurus have real spiritual powers, why do you all run charitable hospitals, can’t you just faith heal people?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, in spite of having your eyes and ears connected to a decently functioning brain, it is unfortunate that people ask such incongruous questions. Nevertheless, Guruji will explain the rationale behind the above mentioned irrationality once again. Spirituality, one must know that has three aspects - 1) Social 2) Economic and 3) Facial Hair.  Socially, it is the karma of a spiritual guru to keep his critics at bay(Of Pigs), which is achieved when he make people say “At least he is doing that for the poor”. Secondly, one attains economic equilibrium when he is able to convert all his “black” to “white” tax free, for which the ideal channel is charity.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, then what about the third factor you mentioned ? How does that impact..

[A] Guruji - Son Max, again another hair-brained question ! you must stop eating broiler chicken Guruji would advise. That was to evoke your sense of humour dude / mate / bro(or whatever is the latest salutation running in the market), a spiritual guru ought to crack PJs to en-kindle his disciples one must know.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, what according to your holiness is the single biggest “game-changer” technology invention of 21st century ?

[A] Guruji -  That is the selfie-stick dear.

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to part with you all for now, as he has many heads of states waiting outside for his blessings and selfies with his holy bottom. He shall converse with you all same time, same place, next week - unless of course his fake degrees are de-faked through an amendment in the law by then.

Guruji Speaks - Ethics

Men, women, children and others,

Guruji has returned to the material universe  once again to hear from you all and to enlighten you all. He has arrived on the dais and you may now get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, you are a proponent of tall statues as a one-stop solution to all our problems and perils. Now that the government has set aside a ton of money in the new budget to construct one, will that make you happy ?

[A] Guruji - Absolutely my son, no erection had ever made Guruji so happy as this one after Pharaoh Khafra told him in 2602 B.C about his plans to build The Sphinx. Guruji foresee that this peerless statue will become a huge morale booster to a nation with 70% of it's population waking up in the morning with nothing to poo out. 

[Q] Namita asks - Guruji, I’m a college student, all my friends are now having beautiful tattoos done on their skin, hence I too want to have one done. But my mother says tattoos are a sign of  moral laxity and I am not allowed to get one done. How can a drawing of a butterfly or a flower on the skin make one immoral?

[A] Guruji - Dear Namita, drawing a tattoo on your skin will never make you an immoral person, unless that skin is thereafter used for malicious purposes such as hooking/hustling or more sinful activities like performing Bollywood item numbers that titillate kaamdev-in-waitings to harass poor girls on the road  for the crime of belonging to the same gender. So go ahead and get it done if your conscience is clear is Guruji’s advice to you. Also with his sixth sense Guruji foresee your next question and will answer that too here - It is best drawn on the exposable fringes of an unexposable body part to get maximum exposure.

[Q] A concerned mother asks - Your Holiness, I’m deeply concerned about my college-going daughter. My worry is about her friends circle. She is under peer pressure to get some tattoos done on her body. According to her it will make her look more ‘cooler’. I’m worried whether my daughter is growing up as an inconsiderate, self-centered, irresponsible person with all this?

[A] Guruji - Dear concerned mother, your concerns are valid, evil aspects of modern life like skin tattoos can spoil our next generation as the tattooed skins are widely used for malicious purposes like Bollywood item numbers and even worse - in cosmetic advertisements. As a parent, you must do everything possible to stop kids being trapped into these things. The best way to stop your daughter from getting that evil tattoo done is to have you get one done yourself; because for kids, something that their parents have will no more be attractive and 'cool'. And if it’s something more cooler and radical compared to the butterfly that your daughter may be planning to carve on her skin, like a wine glass with a serpent around, a topless mermaid, or even a Justin Bieber portrait, you have Guruji’s assurance that not only your daughter, but nobody in your next three generations will ever talk about the subject of tattoos thereafter.

[Q] Smitha asks - Your Holiness, if people elect a leader with an overwhelming majority and if that leader fails to deliver, should we blame the leader or the people who elected her/him ?

[A] Guruji - Neither. We should blame comic books. They created superheros that the said people read in their childhood which influenced them to make the said electoral decision.

[Q] Mr N asks -  I have a small business that is slowly picking up. I now need to appoint a trustworthy accountant. I've shortlisted  two candidates - one male and one female. Before a final decision , I would like to know whether men or women, who are more ethical in general.

[A] Guruji - Son, ethics is not a quality that is gender dependent - unlike self-discipline or cleanliness, where men win hands-down, especially when the women are away visiting their parents.  Now, to your question of trustworthiness - In General vampire bats are more ethical, as they have never tried to conceal with cosmetic creams the biological fact that they are bloodsuckers.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart, he shall meet you same place, same time next week, unless a constitutional amendment makes his existence illegal. 

Guruji Speaks - Emotional leakage

Ladies, Gentlemen and building contractors,

Guruji has arrived in the prayer hall and has placed his holy bottom on the dias, you may now get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Kumar asks -  Guruji, I’m about to get married and I am worried that the woman I’m planning to marry is wiser than I am and in future she will dominate me with her smartness. What should I do? Call off the wedding or go ahead and marry her?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji advises you to go ahead and marry without any worries because of two reasons. Firstly,  wise husbands, mermaids, tooth fairies are all fantasy figures existing only in folklore and you aiming to become one will be a futile exercise. Secondly, there is no danger in marrying a smarter woman because, in the history of humankind no wise woman had ever used her wisdom against her husband, except to convince him pay her apparel bills. You, your future spouse and the textile shop owners have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Brinda asks - Guruji, have we evolved from other creatures or are we created by god?

[A] Guruji - Dear Brinda, Guruji had answered this question on many occasions earlier too, we are not toilet-rolls  or political scams  to be "created" by somebody, we have evolved from lesser complicated life forms gradually.

[Q] Brinda asks -  ..but Guruji, what is the proof that we evolved from lesser intelligent life forms?

[A] Guruji - Don’t you watch Big Boss?

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, has social media really changed anything about our lives ? if so what is that change?

[A] Guruji  - Son, social media has contributed to humanity in many different ways. It is hard to point out any particular aspect that influenced us more than others. However, helping us make informed decisions is one of the biggest changes social media has brought in. Imagine your spouse of 20th century coming to know that you “LIKE”ed Mallika Sherawat ’s “TWEETS” or Pooja Bedi’s “BLOGS” last night. Had we not have social networking,  the above information would have caused her applying a pressure of 10 Chapati Rollers on your head instantly.

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] - We would like to clarify here that the “spouse of 20th century” mentioned by Guruji here is different from “20th Century Spouse”, a TV serial made by an Indian woman producer to prove the theory of evolution.  

[Q] Mr.A asks - Your Holiness, in my job I come across many irate customers and colleagues who I cannot shout back at. Now problem is I ended up yelling at my spouse or kids that evening to get myself some consolation. Am I right in doing so? If not what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, your condition is what behavioural scientists call “emotional leakage”. It is absolutely wrong to take your anger on your spouse or children as they are not responsible for your said condition. The best remedial measure for this is to go to a wide, open space such as a hilltop and yelp in all random directions for half an hour, you will feel alright after that. Now if the hilltop is not a possible option, your next best bet solution is to join national television as a prime-time news anchor.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all, may his blessings be with you. We shall meet at the same place, same time next week unless an ongoing epidemic like dengue fever or football world cup force him to be bedridden by then.

Guruji Speaks - Mothers Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Power-runners,

Guruji has arrived on the stage, he will now address our questions, queries and concerns,

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, I think this salutation of “spiritual leader” is a bit confusing, as it is not very clear what "spirits" are we talking about, whether as in bhoot or alcohol or even simple “sportsman spirit” like that of Ass-aaram Bapus? Can’t we have a better term to address  spiritual leaders?

[A] Guruji - Son, we are spiritual in all of the above dimensions you mentioned. However Guruji agree that it is high time we get a more "sexier" title, especially with the kind of interest we have on that topic, plus our increasing influence the corporate world. May be we can be called Chief Religious Officers or simply CROS hereafter.

[Q] Inder asks - Your Holiness, in my part of the world people prefer jaywalking on busy roads risking their life even if there is a zebra crossing or a traffic signal in the next 50 meters. Is it a problem of discipline or social upbringing ?

[A] Guruji - Son, with the kind of values and culture richness existing in your part of the world , Guruji will not attribute this behavior to social upbringing and discipline. Instead he will blame Mother Nature because she clearly hasn't done a good job of evolution in your part of the world it looks like and people still have few of the primate traits left in them that they are yet to learn that a two ton metal thing moving at 70 KMPH can turn their bottoms into bananas.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your Holiness,  scientists say “Men and women are chemically wired to think, do things differently”. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Dear Juhi, Guruji won't agree with that view, if it was “..chemically weird..”, he would have.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, why do people donate luxury articles like gold ornaments, cash etc to gods? Are the god really that flamboyant in their lifestyle that they enjoy these extravagant offerings and shower blessing on those who donate them?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, it is wrong to attribute  flamboyancy to gods firstly because it amounts to blasphemy and secondly because in reality they are poor people struggling to substantiate their own existence in the cosmos in fact. However the donations are vital to the sustenance of faith and religion, especially because the earthly apostles of heavens such as priests, godmen, cult leaders etc would have to lead an exemplary heavenly life to motivate us humans to live to earn it.

[Q]  Max asks - Guruji, of late, especially during this parliament election, we are seeing unprecedented levels of active involvement of religious leaders, spiritual gurus who take sides and send out messages of hatred, partisan-ism etc. Where do you think it will  all lead us to ?

[A] Guruji - This will all lead us to ultimately believe that they are right and we are wrong. 

[Q]  Miss D asks - Guruji, can you recommend me some mother's day gift ideas ?

[A] Guruji - Dear D, Guruji would like to remind you that this is a spiritual advisory forum and not one of your bogus, urban neo-middle class lifestyle websites. Go wash the vessels for her for few days instead is Guruji’s advice to you.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he is starting on a pilgrimage to the mountains, to pray for the countries that are going to be under the clutches of power-hungry, ruthless politicos in future. 

Guruji Speaks; Honestly

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji’s holy bottom has been placed on the dais, all of you have his seasons greetings for this mudslinging season, pray get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, is it true that Akshaya Tritiya is a day auspicious for buying gold? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Max, it indeed is the most auspicious day to buy jewelry. As per lunar calendar, it is the Tithi of Shukla Paksha in the month of Vaishakha or Baisakha or Boishakh depending on what you are chewing while saying it. In the past it was observed as a good day to start new ventures. In fact Veda Vyasa selected this day to start writing Mahabharata. But in modern India, the day has a slightly different significance. It is the day found suitable to trick people into buying their old stock at higher price by Smartass MallU Gold-merchants LEague or SMUGLE. Also there is a proposal by expert astrologers like Guruji to make every lunar day as Akshaya Tritiya for two reasons 1) Avoid stampede at jewelries 2) We are employed by the said league. Guruji has also done a Prashna and has come up with other auspicious days to buy chicken breasts, undergarments etc as well, for details you may contact his Ashram.

[Q]  Ruchi asks - Guruji, many people add “frankly speaking”, “honestly speaking” etc at times during their conversations. Does that mean they weren't all that frank or honest about whatever they said till then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, frankly speaking, you are right. Most people aren't that frank or honest about everything they say or do, which is why we are where we are today.

[Q] Miss R asks - Guruji, I have a male colleague who had been a very good friend all this while. But recently he proposed to me which I politely rejected. Now he is behind me pressing for a reason why I don’t want to marry him. I cannot disclose that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a moody mama-boy who is a cricket-stricken couch potato dork with a Bollywood item-girl as his desktop wallpaper. How do I politely put it across so that it doesn't hurt him, yet convey my decision clearly ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss R, this is a question Guruji gets very often, except that the desktop preferences change from person to person, and he recon he had answered it earlier as well. A straight rejection will lead a man to dejection, so you must never do that. Instead, you should indirectly put your point across very politely and respectfully so that he understands you. Here is what you can say - “Jackie, I’m not sure what to say, I'm so touched by you considering me for being your life partner! But deep down in my heart I feel that if I have any such high ambitions of causing the mutation of humanity from it’s current anthropological state, I would prefer marrying a rhesus monkey”. He will get your point, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, why do the government insists that bars and liquor outlets be closed during elections and national days ? Isn't it basic human rights violation by denying one his right to drink?

[A] Guruji - Son, a temporary ban on liquor is not human rights violation, instead the government is helping you to stock enough stuff beforehand so that you avoid last minute rush. And since you can never measure what “enough stuff” means when comes to spirits and spiritually, you would naturally stock excess not to take chances. Thus, statistically, any closure imposed on spirit shops drastically improves the overall weekly sales, which means better customer satisfaction, more taxes and ultimately better infrastructure, better standard of living for the society etc. Guruji is sure you will not attribute a good measure like that to human rights violation hereafter.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, my husband is such a lazy bum...

[Guruji's blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this forum is strictly for Guruji's disciples, no outsiders - such as his family members - are allowed here..

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to set out on a critical mission, to ensure that peace and international harmony prevails in his drawing room. He will be back here with you same time next week, unless he gets run over by a speeding shopping cart or caught in a stampede at the vegetables section of the grocery store during his mission.

Guruji Speaks - Candidates

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is here to converse with you. All of you have his summer blessings, do get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the logic behind most political parties fielding film actresses in elections ? Are they the best people to lead our nation?

[A] Guruji - Son, you have raised a very important question here. Because, in the history of English language, this is the first time someone is using the word 'logic' alongside actresses and political parties in the same sentence, and for the same reason Guruji or any other scholar cannot answer it either. However to help you, Guruji's ashram has got in touch with all the said actresses and got their responses directly. Here are the top 5 answers they got. Please note that the names of respondents are not disclosed here and that is not to protect their identities but because you already know them and repetition creates boredom.

[ Actress-candidate 1 ]: "I thought this will be a good opportunity for me to serve the society, especially the womanhood, by exhibiting my great collection of sarees and sandals to them."

[ Actress-candidate 2 ]: "I was trapped into it in fact. When they said campaign, I thought it was a new ad campaign for UV protection glasses, realized only very late that I was a candidate too."

[ Actress-candidate 3 ]: "They said it will help improving my acting skills."

[ Actress-candidate 4 ]: "I wanted to get tanned."

[ Actress-candidate 5 ]: "You think 1, 2, 3 and 4  got something that I don't have? If they are in it, I'm in it too."

Guruji hope that answers your question.

[Q] Miss L asks - Guruji, is it necessary that one has to be a vegetarian to lead a truly spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss L, Guruji had mentioned this on many occasions earlier too, it is not what you eat but how you earn it is important. If you are a strict vegetarian, yet earn your food by tricking others - i.e by being a thief, a thug, an astrologer, a Bollywood script writer, a political son-in-law, a godman etc, you are no spiritual than a capuchin monkey. Hence Guruji's advice to you is to eat what you like, but make sure you obey traffic rules, pay your taxes, take bath, don't generally screw around and you will be more spiritual than any spiritually vegetarian capuchin monkeys.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, what is a Free Market Economy ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Free Market Economy or FME is a market mechanism built on the “Buy 1 get 1 Free” principle. The crux of it is that it gives consumers the freedom to choose - between walking away and falling into the vendor’s trap that is. Today, other variants of FME have also found adoption in many of the world’s leading economies such as Switzerland, Luxembourg and Reliance-retail. Some of them are - ”Buy 3 get 3 Free, “Buy 2 kilos of chicken and get a baboon brain absolutely Free etc.

[Q] Mr.Sharma asks - Guruji, I have an office job. I don’t have any opportunity to engage in physical activities and this is resulting in substantial weight gain. Can you advise some good yoga techniques to loss weight quickly ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly, as Guruji always pointed out, yoga is not a one stop solution for all your urban upper-class problems. Now about weight control, there are two aspects to it. One is dietary restrictions and the other is physical exercises. For dietary control, employ a cook who has experience with airline caterers or Indian railways, you will rarely feel the urge to eat if at all. Coming to exercises, it is a good practice to walk around in the office occasionally, hence shift to the farthest corner from the reception, you sure will be forced to take an occasional stroll around the floor, especially with that newly appointed, living NY-fashion week adorning the reception. You have Guruji’s blessings.

Children, it’s time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all for the time being, he will meet you right here, same time next week, unless a front-office policy change force him to stay put in office longer.

Guruji Speaks - Transparency

Ladies, Gentlemen and Transgentles,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your queries. Please keep your questions short, he has very less time today as he has to a give special darshan to a premier cricket league's stakeholders that include(but not limited to) gambling-goons, tax-evading-tycoons, bear-hugging-brand-ambassadors, choliless-cheerleaders etc in another part of the world later in the day.

[Q] Smitha asks -  Gurudev, do you think we have the right candidates in the fray for national leadership this time around ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, yes, with Heaven’s grace, we do have the right candidates running for the country’s leadership this time. Now if we need anybody better, we have to import a few Venom-spitting Cobras from Africa.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, the IPL season is starting. what is your advisory for the teams?

[A] Guruji - Ram, in the past IPL has gone through many sticky wicket situations, resulting in gaining bad name for the game. Hence this time around Guruji advises all stakeholders to remember one thing to have it all clean - TRANSPARENCY. His advice to the corporate co-owners is to have transparency in their financial dealings so that it’s easy for the tax agencies, police to jail them with enough evidences. His advice to team members is to have transparency in their gestures and actions so that the bookies get it all correct. And last but not the least, his advice for the Bollywood heroines and cheerleaders involved is to be transparent too - in their outfits - for better spectator satisfaction.

[Q] Anand asks - Guruji, can you suggest a good motto for my country?

[A] Guruji - Son, here it is - “Anything usable will be misused”

[Q] Miss K asks - Guruji, I hear that you have a yoga technique for every situation. My problem is that I live in a community where unusual levels of public flatulence resulting in a stinking environment. Do you have any yoga techniques to recommend for people with this problem?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss K, it is a misunderstanding that yoga is a one stop solution for all your problems - unless you are a yoga guru making a living out of it that is. In your case, no amount of yoga can resolve the said problem, just plaster the mouths of your national news anchors and party spokespersons, the stink will subside.

[Q] Jay asks - Guruji, often we see political leaders running for national leadership across the world having their motto “Vote for change.  Vote me”. I wonder what they will do next time around ?

[A] Guruji - Son, next time they can combine it into a single sentence “Vote for changing me”

Ok children, please allow Guruji to take leave now, he will meet you at same place, same time next week, unless he get auctioned in the sports market by then.

Guruji Speaks - Inner Peace

Ladies, Gentleman and Pahalwan Politicians,

Guruji has descended his holy bottom on the holy hot-seat, he will now take your questions, please get started.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, a top politician recently tried justifying rape by stating that boys do mistakes at times, we must not hang them for that. Do you agree with this view?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, Guruji would totally agree with the politician here, boys do mistakes and we must help and reform them. Say if a boy steals bread out of hunger, a true leader will try to reform the boy by providing him with food from his own kitchen so that he won’t be tempted to rob the poor neighbourhood bakers, right? Similarly the said leader Guruji hope will lead the way in this case and supply the said boys with whatever ‘food’ they were after from his home so that they don’t attack poor girls on the road.

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, till recently the only identity we common men (and women) of this country had was our 'aam aadmi' label that gave us a community feeling and some level of confidence that we can collectively bargain for our basic necessities such as the right to eat, the right to take bath, right to wash our bottoms etc. But now that identity also is hijacked by political parties. What should we do now?

[A] Guruji - Son, when one identity goes of, a competent community like yours must adapt another rather than lamenting over it. Guruji recommend all you common men and women out there to choose an assy identity going forward without having to worry about somebody hijacking that identity, as donkeys are gentle, trustworthy creatures having no problem sharing their humble namespace (or even their living space) with other fellow beings, unlike the ones who stole your current identity.

[Q] Shankar asks - Guruji, I feel we middle-aged men are the most neglected, ignored and taken for granted set of people. We get no appreciation for our deeds, no girls aspire for us, we get the least consideration and priority when coming to anything from queuing up for boarding a plane to getting evacuated from a sinking ship. Why is this discrimination, aren’t we the most worthy set of people as we form the top business persons, top politicians, top artists, top everything in fact ?

[A] Guruji - Son, though you have raised a very important question here, you have made a critical error by saying ”WE middle-aged men” as by that you have classified Guruji too as an ill-fated, rapidly aging, potbellied desperado while in reality he is a chiranjeevi who belongs to no age groups and is as desirable as a Bollywood Khan with 8 packs(6 anterior, 2 posterior) in his current avatar.  Coming back to your question, the answer is there in your statement itself - it is your very “top everything” status that makes people give you the least priority and respect as you also form the top rapists, top child-molesters, top politicians, top thieves, top warlords, top news anchors, top stock-traders etc as well. Guruji advises you all to become topless in the above mentioned categories, you will earn your due respect.

[Q] Pushpak asks - Guruji, why do all you religious leaders are against homosexuals, aren't they also God's creations and deserve a place in the society?

[A] Guruji - Pushpak, it is a misconception that we religious leaders are fully against homosexuality, it is only the first 4 letters that we oppose, for the rest, we are fully committed and are more than happy to dedicate our whole life for it.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, what is inner peace, how can one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, like the outside world, our souls also have an inner world. As in a calm and peaceful exterior world - that is, the one without destructive activities like wars, natural calamities, Bollywood movies etc, there is also a state of calmness that prevails in your inner world as well. One can attain it by having focus, dedication and more importantly by releasing inner gases through appropriate bodily apertures at appropriate times.

Ok children, Guruji will take leave now to take a leak. He will meet you same space, time and any other dimensions that coincide here next week, unless by then his astrological planets get oriented in a different direction and he get hit by a meteor as a result of it.

Guruji Speaks - Affairs

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political horse traders,

In spite of a very busy schedule with parliamentary candidates queuing up to seek his support and blessings, Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his time for you. Do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, will you get involved in resolving marital problems too?

[A] Guruji - Son, since marital affairs are mostly material affairs, Guruji usually don’t get involved. However at times he do get involved in resolving marital problems, but it depends on the nature of the problem, especially it's sex appeal.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I'm a candidate for the forthcoming parliamentary elections. Opinion polls show that I have only a 50-50 chance to win. What will be a good yagam/yagya that I can do to improve my chances?

[A] Guruji - Son, Gandhiji-aayana yagam will be good for you. To perform this special yagya, you must first distribute as much Gandhiji (picture) imprinted artifacts as possible among your voters, but on one condition - that those artifacts are of such value that your voters will have no  hesitation to sell their souls to you in return. Also you must ensure that for every such distributed Gandhiji-artifact, you send an equal number to your spiritual guru's - in this case Guruji's - ashram as well, to get full returns for your investme...he mean prayers and chanting.

[Q] Anonymous asks - ..Guruji, for last Gandhi-jayanti we have made a bunch of plastic lockets imprinted with Gandhiji's picture for distribution among school kids but couldn't do so. Will they do?

[A] Guruji - Son, with this gem of an un-evolved primate brain, your are already overqualified to be a parliamentarian. Nevertheless,  Guruji would like to remind you that such an exercise will be as wasteful as trying to brush your teeth with your own intestinal waste. No voter - even the ones who are so wretched that they have to choose you - will ever trade their souls for a 10 Rupee locket. So, do as Guruji has advised, you have his blessings.

[Q] Urmila asks - Your Holiness, I followed your advice and started loving and helping my neighbours. It all went well till now, but now none of them are ready to own the fatherhood of my newborn baby. Please help me.

[A] Guruji - Dear Urmila, he cannot help you here for two reasons - firstly because Guruji is a spiritual leader and is enlightened enough to be creative without running the risk of procreation. Secondly he was never your neighbour.

[Q] Deepa asks - Guruji, political parties are mudslinging each other so badly that I cannot make out who is good, who is bad. So I’m not able to take a firm decision whom to vote in this election. Can you please advise?

[A] Guruji - Dear Deepa, hundreds of young devotees like you are asking this question to Guruji every day. However being a spiritual Guru, he cannot take up sides and recommend you one party over another here, as for him all are equal - in terms of their donations to the ashram that is. However, make sure that you vote for a candidate who seek vote based on caste/religion, as only they can lead us to 22nd century(B.C he mean).

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as the political aspirants bee-lining at his backyard are creating a law and order situation and he got to give them darshan, otherwise they will bee-sting his back. He will meet you at same place, same time next week unless he gets elected to the heavens by then.

Guruji Speaks - Astrology

Ladies, gentlemen and lawmakers-come-breakers,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your doubts and concerns. Please note that this is election season and many candidates would want Guruji to predict their future. We have setup a new direct channel (not to mention exclusively) for them at the ashram where you could directly know your political fortune from Guruji’s parrot.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, none of you astrologers could predict the recent disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines plane, nor could you predict where it can be found. Isn’t it just proof that astrology is a fraud?

[A] Guruji - Son, blaming astrology for missing aircraft is like blaming Shahrukh Khan for your lemur-looks. Here you should be blaming airline authorities who neither employ nor consult us astrologers before their planes take-off. Had this been done, they would have averted this and many other disasters, especially if they had better planes and pilots. People must know that we astrologers cannot predict anything and everything for free, which will make our future highly unpredictable.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, the earth is becoming hotter and hotter year after year. Is it human activities causing this as some people claim? Do you think this will lead us to our end one day and if so by when will that happen?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, you are right. The earth is becoming hotter, as proven by the air-conditioner sales numbers and Bollywood item numbers released year after year. This is partially due to human activities like  industrial pollution, cattle flatulence and election speeches. However, mother nature also plays her role in this, though she is doing this for a much nobler cause - to smoke humans out of here so that the rest of the life forms on this planet get their fair share too. Guruji however will not mention the exact date by when we will meet our end here, as it will make people panic and anarchy will prevail , aam-aadmi will rule if he does so.

[Q] John asks - Guruji, why is that anything healthy is not tasty and vice versa for us humans while every other creature can relish on what they like, yet don’t die of heart attacks? Is it because there is no god there and some bad-a$$ sadist created us humans?

[A] Guruji - John son, it is not fair to blame the heavens for your wife’s poor cooking skills in the first place. You may blame it for her lack of common sense in choosing the right life-partner though. On the face of it, healthy food may taste bad, but if you add a bit of mayonnaise or barbecue sauce over it, the taste will improve, do try. So the secret of having healthy-yet-tasty food is not in it’s ingredients, but in the toppings we must realize.

[Q] Ruchi asks - Guruji, you had been giving us darshan on every weekend, now we see that most of the weekends you are not doing so and you are giving darshans on randomly chosen week days. Why is this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, Guruji gives darshan to his disciples when their souls are in dire need of him. These days most of his disciples who are urban rich (who call themselves middle-class due to their pseudo-humility) spend their weekends mall-hopping during which they keep their souls in Lucifer’s cloakroom and are in no need of Guruji. Weekdays on the other hand they are frustrated with work pressure, traffic tussles and prime time news and are badly in need of Guruji's sermons. Hence the changed darshan timings.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave as he has many potential lawmakers knocking his ashram doors for darshan and are creating lawlessness in his yard in that process. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless his parrot demands a vacation and Guruji has to fill-in for him during the election season.

Guruji Speaks - Karma

Ladies, gentlemen and the estates of the realm,

Guruji is back, (without a vengeance though) after a long and holy mission(of which he will disclose more below), he will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Mr. M asks -  Guruji, I am a Bollywood film maker who recently got into trouble by naming a movie after some mythological figures that earned me the wrath of religious groups and courts. I’m now making my next movie and is planning to name it “Vastraksheep” as that is the central theme of the movie (In fact for most of my successful movies this is the main theme). Do you foresee any issues with that name, if so what is a suitable alternate name you can suggest me?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly you did the right thing by approaching Guruji before proceeding any further with this title which would have got you into trouble. Guruji must tell you that people(not to mention innocent and pious) can come to watch this movie of yours with an expectation that it is related to Vastrakshepas(disrobing) that happened in puranas and ultimately get their religious sentiments hurt/dribbled out. They would have then taken you to court who definitely will stand by people and not by logic. Guruji did some numerological calculations and came up with an auspicious alternate title which is both safe and contextually aligned to your story. He advises you to title your movie “Choli Ke Peeche Kya Hai” . Your name my son will go down in history as the director of CKPKH, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Kamla asks - Guruji, you mentioned somewhere that every creature has a right to exist in this world and has its own karma associated. I think this is wrong, for example what is a mosquito's karma?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamla, mosquito is a creature with a multitude of karma associated, touching all our lives in many ways, be it business, entertainment or sports. It sustains the multi-crore repellent industry, was the single reason behind Hollywood blockbusters like Jurassic Park. Also, have you ever thought why Indians are excelling in badminton lately? It’s because we are getting our kids trained from childhood on Chinese made mosquito bats. So dear, there is a defined karma for every living organism.

[Q] Jai asks - Guruji, more women are found smoking in urban India these days. I think it is against our culture, values and tradition. Isn’t it so?

[A] Guruji - Son, you are absolutely right, these women are damaging our values and culture. Especially if they are not throwing the butts(of the cigarette he mean, not theirs as you innocent disciples might think) to the street and causing at least a minor fire after every smoke, they indeed are doing something that is absolutely against our culture and values. To keep up with our traditions, they should instead chew “paan” and spit it on the walls.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, why do women look better than they are in real life in their social networking profile photos while men look worse than they are in the same ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is mainly because of two reasons - Firstly, women are biologically wired to know when to make up and how, while men are also wired to do the same, but weird enough not to do so. Secondly, you are looking at those pictures through a man’s perception, hence feels so. Wear a pair of female eyeballs and see, your observation may reverse.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, you were not in the ashram for a while and haven’t given us darshan for many weeks. Were you on some pilgrimage or on a holy mission?

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, he was not in the ashram and his travel mainly was a holy mission, but can also be said to be a pilgrimage as it was for a noble cause. He was on a mission to capture and neutralize a disciple of his who turned hostile and published a book on her days at the ashram. As a true spiritual leader and protector of our traditions and values, it was Guruji’s karma to track her and the copies her book down before it overtook Kamasutra in sales.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave you all. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless more dissident disciples start publishing books.