Friday, June 19, 2015

Guruji Speaks - Again

Ladies, Gentlemen and their leaders,

Guruji’s asshram is happy to announce you that his holiness has found some time to converse with you all again. His holy bottom is placed on the dias, you may now raise your doubts, grievances and concerns.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, you were not giving darshan for a very long time. Were you on a long pilgrimage or a long maun-vrat?

[A] Guruji - None my son! With the arrival of welfare state in his part of the world, he was busy executing the executive and execution powers that his spiritual bottom was vested with by the government.

[Q] Ram asks - Then Guruji, why have you decided to descend from the throne to talk to us now?

[A] Guruji - Things now stand changed my son; With some eternally conceived sons of a lady with canine bloodline in the media brought up this issue that fake degrees cannot be considered degrees any more and his holiness who was in possession of few  had to surrender his executive powers until the government amend the present law(lessness) such that any degree, including their primate-pedigree should be considered valid and valuable if it is bestowed on a V.I.P. In the meanwhile, Guruji decided to sit back, relax and spend his free time enlightening his disciples.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, It is said that wheels are man’s greatest invention and has changed the course of human life. Can you explain?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is true and for multiple reasons. One was that invention of wheels made man realize the power of rotational motion, a knowledge that was hitherto common sense and was known only to women and children. Also by inventing wheels, man realized that many things can be “invented” and inventions can keep him away from being asked to go out and hunt in the super-market. Also once wheels were invented, man had to invent many more things to place his bottom on it and keep it running steady - such as engines, air-bags, cup-holders etc. In summary, the invention of wheels dramatically changed man’s life until mid 20th century, by when TV remote was invented.

[Q] Smita asks - Guruji, you are an immortal who has seen many many yugas of human life. Recently an eminent personality claimed that aircraft were operational from around 7000 years in his part of the world. Can you confirm whether this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Affirmative dear, in fact some of those 7000 year old crafts are still operational in those parts of the world, they call it the “national carrier” (“Push-Pack Vimaan” in Sanskrit). In fact the cabin crew hired around the same time are still manning, womaning them as well !

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, if spiritual gurus have real spiritual powers, why do you all run charitable hospitals, can’t you just faith heal people?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, in spite of having your eyes and ears connected to a decently functioning brain, it is unfortunate that people ask such incongruous questions. Nevertheless, Guruji will explain the rationale behind the above mentioned irrationality once again. Spirituality, one must know that has three aspects - 1) Social 2) Economic and 3) Facial Hair.  Socially, it is the karma of a spiritual guru to keep his critics at bay(Of Pigs), which is achieved when he make people say “At least he is doing that for the poor”. Secondly, one attains economic equilibrium when he is able to convert all his “black” to “white” tax free, for which the ideal channel is charity.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, then what about the third factor you mentioned ? How does that impact..

[A] Guruji - Son Max, again another hair-brained question ! you must stop eating broiler chicken Guruji would advise. That was to evoke your sense of humour dude / mate / bro(or whatever is the latest salutation running in the market), a spiritual guru ought to crack PJs to en-kindle his disciples one must know.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, what according to your holiness is the single biggest “game-changer” technology invention of 21st century ?

[A] Guruji -  That is the selfie-stick dear.

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to part with you all for now, as he has many heads of states waiting outside for his blessings and selfies with his holy bottom. He shall converse with you all same time, same place, next week - unless of course his fake degrees are de-faked through an amendment in the law by then.

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