Sunday, May 22, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Cow-wards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Mentally-fully disciples of Guruji,

Guruji has placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Gopal asks - Guruji, I have spent my entire adult life serving the political party whose ideology I believe in. But now the party has selected an ignorant, idiotic imbecile as its nominee for our upper house of parliament whose only qualification is that he is a page three celebrity. Should I now continue to work for or quit the party ?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is surprising that after serving a political party this long also your brain still is in a  normal state that you are able to ask this reasonable question. Guruji’s advice to you is to not get demotivated because in politics, “If your mama ask you to call someone papa, do so; even if that is a limp dick llama in the city zoo”

[Q] Seema asks - Guruji, why is it that we - the urban middle class in our part of the world - are in this constant trap of repaying some or other loans throughout our lives? Isn’t there an end to this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Seema, the said class is the laziest creatures alive on this planet currently and this Loan-liness is how mother nature ensures that you all are kept occupied throughout your life. Don’t worry, you will get moksha from this when you kick the bucket, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, in our culture, a cow that gives us milk and is also the economic backbone of many a rural family is symbolically considered equivalent to a mother and is worth worshipping. But some antisocial elements think this is primitive thinking and are spreading all sorts of propaganda against it. Isn’t the cow worth worshiping as a mother ?

[A] Guruji - Indeed my son! The cow is equivalent to your mother for several reasons, Guruji will mention few of them here for the knowledge of our ignorant naysayers on this matter. A cow is equivalent to your mother in all respects because,

  • The cow painstakingly carried you in her womb for 10 months, slept seldom while you kicked her from inside all corners in your attempt to come out and fight for her motherly cow rights
  • The cow underwent the pain of a lifetime that evening when she gave birth to you who came out screening “Thank you, Holy Cow!”
  • The cow had set aside her career aspirations, personal interests, hobbies all to bring you up, hoping one day you will become a mighty cow-ward and kill those who eat beef
  • The cow kept herself awake for many consecutive nights sitting at your bedside when you were running such high fever that you started seeing chicken as your cousins and goats as your aunts
  • The cow had literally begged, pleaded, sacrificing her self esteem as a righteous individual when the college throw you out for misconduct, to take you back so that you can go on to become a world renowned cow-boy in future
  • It is the cow that spent sleepless nights worrying about your wellbeing when your company sent you to remote hostile countries to work under cow slaughterers
  • The cow awaited months together for your arrival on vacation and prepared your favorite amrakhand from pure cow milk ignoring her arthritis and shoulder pain

There are many other such reasons as well my son for treating the cow like your mother, on which Guruji can enlighten you on another occasion. Hence my children, Guruji urges all his disciples not to trivialize cow-hood and consider them equivalent to your mother hereafter.

 [Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I am sick of hearing this men vs women jokes all the time in my social circles. At times I feel this is widening the gap between the genders. Will it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, mother nature has brought us up as men and women so that we can crack jokes at each other's expense. Don’t worry, gender jokes are not going to cause the extinction of your species; provided the jokes are of the right quality, right audience and cracked at the right situation.

Children, Guruji got to take leave now as he has to conduct a few special secret poojas for his openly atheist, but closely theist comrades. He shall meet you someplace next month unless they sacrifice him to the atheist gods by then.