Saturday, December 21, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Mobility

Ladies, Gentlemen and national media,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, pray get started with your queries.

[Q] Mr. X asks - Guruji, I will be  retiring from service soon. What kind of a neighbourhood I should choose to spend my retirement life, also what are some of the yoga techniques that I can practice that will keep me mentally and physically fit in my retirement life?

[A] Guruji - Son X, a happy retirement life depends on many facts, an important one being an un-retired spouse and the population density of the neighborhood you choose to live - density of womanhood in that neighbourhood he mean. On yoga techniques, a retiree must choose one that is easy to practice and relaxing. Guruji's patented 'samachar-kriya' can be very effective. To practice this yoga technique, place a chair in your veranda facing an open, airy space such as a road. Take a newspaper and holding it as a shield, move your eyes and neck briskly so that you can observe what’s called in urban male lingo as 'colour movements' around you. Continue this kriya every day, your retirement life will become more relaxing and exciting. However as with any other yoga techniques,  practicing this kriya for a long time can cause damages to body parts, especially when the neighborhood’s brotherhood comes to know about it. Hence do not practice the same kriya continuously, instead periodically switch to other spiritual methods such as meditation and bar-hopping.

[Q] Shikha asks - Your Holiness, I am a graduate student. I would like to know whether there are any yoga techniques that can help me concentrate more on my studies.

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, focus and concentration is the most important thing for a young student like you and that is exactly what yoga promises as well; apart from broken necks, ribs etc that is. You can practice Guruji’s famous ‘bhataknasana’ yoga. And always remember to wear something yoga-friendly. Kidney-exposing tight-fits will be the most convenient ones - for your spectators he mean. Now to practice bhataknasana that improve concentration, sit down in vajrasana facing a deep water source like a pond or lake as water is one of the 3 key elements of life - apart from internet and tv - relax and close your eyes. Take a deep breath to increase your blood circulation and throw that bootless smartphone of yours into that pond and briskly walk away. Now you can concentrate on your studies well.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, there was news that you were strip-searched at airport security in a western country. There are a lot of modern-day scanning and detecting technology available, yet in some countries they strip-search and humiliate people. Isn't it wrong and unethical to do so ?

[A] Guruji  - Son Saleem, it would have been wrong and unethical had we not discovered recently that we(at least some of 'us') evolved from pigs and chimps.Those genes and traits are still residual in few people and they come out with such wildly laws and policies and find pleasure in implementing them in the most harassing manner. We cannot consider those acts unethical as ethics are applicable neither to pigs nor chimps.

[Q] Mrs Sharma asks - Guruji, my daughter is getting married and soon she will be member of a new family. What are some of the important things I must advise my daughter take care so that she remain untroubled at her in-law’s?

[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.Sharma, most important thing for a girl moving into her in-laws is that she must try to understand and respect the person or persons who she is going to spend maximum time with. In your daughter's case Guruji understands with his inner vision that her husband is the breadwinner and hence won't be the one she’s going to spend a lot of time with, instead it will be her mobile phone. Guruji’s advice to you is to advise her to buy a low radiation one so that she won’t end-up in premature death from brain tumour.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he wish you all a very happy, prosperous, spiritual and politically eventful new year. Guruji will meet you same time, same place next year again, unless you end up in jail for manslaughter  and negligent driving on the new year’s night and Guruji end up in heaven for coming on your way that night.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Unnatural relationships

Ladies, Gentlemen and Supreme authorities,

Guruji is back after his holy mission to initiate something that has the potential to save mankind, womankind and even those kind in media business / jails (or both). He will address you all now, do start with your questions.

[Q]  Kumar asks - Guruji, you weren't there in the ashram last weekend and did not give us darshan. Had you been on a pilgrimage?

[A] Guruji - No my son, Guruji was on a mission to do “bhoomi pooja” for the worlds tallest politically motivated statue that now is the only hope for mankind to save itself from all the problems looming over it currently including that of deficiency of brain cells in some people.

[Q] Lata Devi.L asks - Your holiness, isn’t it wrong for some people to be homosexuals as god created us men and women to be exactly that way? Shouldn’t all religious and spiritual leaders oppose such unnatural relationships as it is against gods, our culture and rich traditions?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata Devi.L, Guruji for centuries have been opposing such unnatural relationships. But unfortunately some evil people called scientists went against gods and proved that we evolved and were not created by gods. Now the same people have also found that our evolution itself is from a highly unnatural union - of pigs and chimps(Can you believe that? pigs!). Guruji was hoping that the gods will react to such atrocious and blasphemous researches by burning all the scientists in hell or in sulfuric acid. But since they are not doing so, we have to assume that the entire human race itself has an origin from an unnatural relationship (that too one involving pigs!), we better work towards making any unnatural relationships between pigs and chimps illegal before addressing other lesser unnatural ones.

[Q] Dash asks - Guruji, you are a person who knows everything. I want to invest in stock market and earn a good fortune out of that. What should one do to maximize his returns from the stock market?

[A] Guruji - Son Dash, though this is not a spiritually pertinent topic, considering the donations you make at religious shrines, Guruji recognizes that you are a genuine investor and hence will answer you. Best way to get maximum returns from stock market is to stay away from it.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, I hear that spiritual gurus got a sixth sense.Is this true ? What is it called?

[A] Guruji - It is NONSENSE.

[Q] Pia asks - Guruji, I am a marketing executive with a leading FMCG company. This question is about my manager’s attitude.He thinks he is always right. It doesn't stop there, he also thinks that ONLY he is right. I am not very satisfied working with him for this attitude, but at the same time I really admire his self confidence also. Is he right with this attitude?

[A] Guruji - Pia dear, this is already answered a century and a half back by Charles Darwin and Guruji will repeat it here for you and your manager - That "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge".

[Q] Krishna asks - Guruji, you are a sociologists too. What is that we can deduce from the recent Aam-aadmi party victory in Delhi?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduces that humans got much higher tolerance level compared to other life forms, else something like this wouldn't have taken this long to happen.

[Q]  Smitha asks - Maharaj, one more year is passing by. What is Guruji's message to the world this time?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, every passing year makes us realize the universal truth that time is the only ultimate truth and it never waits for anybody.This December, Guruji advises all his disciples to take an oath to bring improvements to their spiritual life going forward, by drinking responsibly.

Ok my children, Guruji got to retire to his meditation chambers to attend to some important spiritual matters waiting for him (in his cupboard). We will meet here again same time next week if time(and materials) permit.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Fairness

Ladies, Gentlemen and Indian Superstitious Research Organization management,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your concerns and questions.

[Q] Kareena asks  - Guruji, what is your opinion about promoting skin fairness creams? Isn’t it racist and discriminatory to think that certain skin colour is superior?

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, gods have created all human beings equal and it is wrong to differentiate someone based on skin color, nail color or even trouser color. It should be one's humility and honesty we should value and not their skin colour. Hence Guruji strongly condemn all sorts of promotions of skin fairness creams and treatments except those that are Ayurvedic and are supplied directly from Guruji’s Ayurvedic Center, as Ayurveda is directly from the heavens, passed on through ancient rishis and gurus. So if the heavens want us to look fair, its fair to spare a fair amount of money on it.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, I happened to attend a televised sermon of yours, and I think the stupid silly jokes you cracked and the laughter that broke out among your disciples thereafter are as unbearable as the bray of a bunch of donkeys stuck in the middle of a Miley Cyrus program. I think you should stop this?

[A] Guruji - Sure son, Guruji will try to mute Miley.

[Q] Max asks - Bharat Ratna awardee Dr.CNR Rao recently remarked that  "I don't believe in astrology. I don't believe in any other kind of superstition”. What do you spiritual leaders and astrologers have to say about this?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is not a spiritual guru’s job to react to statements of people who oppose our karma and dharma. We believe that time will teach such people the right lessons. However, since time usually takes a lot of time, we would like to revoke his Bharat Ratna right away, make gold plated statues of gods out of it and send it to ISRO for distribution among all  religious shrines. Secondly, give next years’ Bharat Ratna to whoever does this noble deed.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your Holiness, men or women, who got better sense of humour?

[A] Guruji - Juhi dear, gender is no differentiating factor when comes to humour sense or common sense. Both men and women got lot of humour sense and lack of common sense equally. But the things that evoke humour in each may vary though. Say you walk into a bus stop in style, slip on a banana peel and fall down. While all the men around will jump to help you get up and gather your stuff scattered around, the only woman who will not giggle spotting the humour here will be the Indira Gandhi statue opposite. On the other hand, say you are on a visit to the zoo, and while at the hippo pond you think loudly that you haven’t seen a J-Lo movie for a while. All the men around you will laugh out loud while all the women will pinch you for having such evil and dirty thoughts. So you can conclude that though both men and women are equally humorous, men prefer it darker.

[Q] Mrs.K asks - Guruji, can you please recommend me some yoga techniques that helps me keep my sanity levels intact, yet tolerate my husband's level of untidiness?

[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.K, your husband who keeps it all untidy is in reality a person of philosophical stature and you must not stand in his way. By this untidiness, he is giving you and the rest of the world a message that only when an unclean room is cleaned eventually one realizes the value of cleanliness and not when you clean an otherwise clean room. Also Guruji advises you to  practice some of his anti-hypochondriacal yoga techniques instead to keep your mind calm.

Ok children, Guruji shall meet you again next week same time, same place, unless he gets arrested for the crime of promoting unethical practices such as common sense.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Relationships

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cheap Editors,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy weekend to you all, do get started with your questions.

[Q] Disciples from Delhi ask - Guruji, we are planning to launch a media campaign to get you next year’s “Bharat Ratna”. What do you say?

[A] Guruji - That will be a noble deed indeed my children! Do proceed, and ensure it comes tax exempted.

[Q] Sheetal asks - Gurudev, I am an aspiring model, recently moved to Mumbai. My boyfriend is inviting me to share a live-in relationship with him. Do you see any danger in I going for it?

[A] Guruji - Sheetal dear, your spiritual guru may not be the right person to advise you on such material/marital/martial topics. However, in one of his previous incarnations as a university student, Guruji had a long standing live-in relationship and hence can share you few of his experiences here that you might find helpful. He had learned one important lesson from this live-in relationship where he shared his bed and blood with few bedbugs - that nobody has accountability here which is both good and bad. Good because you could eradicate your live-in partner(s) anytime without having any legal hassles or guilty consciousness. Bad because your priorities will never match, say when Guruji wanted to sleep, the live-ins had other agenda, like breeding or sucking his blood out. Overall, it wasn’t very comfortable he would say. Hence Guruji advises you to take a well thought out decision weighing pros and cons rather than following your boyfriend's libidinous plans blindly.

[Q] Sudheer asks - Guruji, I think our prime ministerial aspirants are crossing the line of dignity lately. Is it not bad for the country’s future?

[A] Guruji -  No my son, not at all. Guruji see it as a big positive sign if they are crossing the line of dignity, as from where they are today, they can only cross over to the better side.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I heard that spiritual gurus like you can perform miracles like converting sheep into wolf and vice versa. How do you do it?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing impossible for a soul that achieved self realization and nirvana. However, we spiritual gurus never convert wolf into sheep because such an act is against the laws of nature and will be a threat to the ecosystem and human society itself. Such deeds and black magics are done by evil forces such as national media. However we spiritual gurus occasionally convert many a disciple into a mule though, to demonstrate the divine powers bestowed upon us, and mules unlike wolves are harmless (and more importantly) feckless than any other species on earth.

[Q] Madhuri asks - Guruji, you have more male disciples or female disciples?

[A] Guruji - Madhuri dear, for a spiritual guru all his disciples are equal, s/he shall not differentiate or count them differently. Hence Guruji has never taken such a census or tried to classify or differentiate his disciples based on caste, creed, nationality,age group or financial status, let alone gender. His 2167 twenty-something female disciples will concur him on this. And he must tell you that that number doesn't include you who belong to the 9208 middle-aged, upper-middle class male disciples who are obsessed with their Bollywood heartthrobs and go by their identity online.

Ok children, time for us to part. Guruji will meet you here again same day, same time next week, unless the 2167 has another agenda for him on the same day, same time.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Guruji Speaks-Self Realization

[Editor- This edition onward Guruji's weekly enlightenment column will be titled "Guruji Speaks" as Maa Purba had advised Guruji to do so for numerological reasons.]

Ladies, Gentlemen and CBI officials,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your questions.

[Q] Shanti asks from Shantiniketan - Guruji, I read in one of your books that to take up a spiritual path in life and become a spiritual mentor, one has to achieve “self-realization”. What is this self-realization and how will one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shanti, you have read the right book(unless it was a pirated copy picked up from the foot-path) and read it right as well. Self-realization is the biggest factor what leads one to the path of spirituality, apart from his/her criminal background that s/he want to cover up of course. It is the realization that you are good for nothing else.

[Q] Anonymous asks from New Delhi - Your Holiness, a top government official recently made a controversial remark by using an analogy “…it is like if you can’t prevent rape enjoy it” while talking about legalizing betting in Cricket. I would like to know whether a) Was this the right analogy to use in that situation? b) If not what was the right one there? and c) What is the correct place to use the said rape analogy?

[A] Guruji - Son Anonymous, if you ask questions in such parliamentary language, your anonymity will wither away. Now coming to your question, answer to a) Is no, this wasn't the right analogy in that situation b) The correct one on Cricket bettors would have been "If you can't screw’em, join them" and c) The analogy used by the official will only suite when we are talking about speeches of prime ministerial aspirants.

[Q] Sam asks- Mr.Guruji, you have mentioned many times in recent past that building statues of political leaders is the one stop solution for all the problems faced by our country. Isn’t this promoting superstition, idol worship etc? How is it possible that a statue can bring prosperity to a country?

[A] Guruji- Son Sam, Guruji’s is not a superstitious theory, instead it is based on experiments and socio-political analysis that Guruji had been conducting for a while now. His finding is that an average concrete or metal statue has got a much better brain and heart than the incumbent/aspirant leadership the country has.

[Q] Pandit Pushkara asks -. Guruji Mahoday, I am an astrologer by profession. Now that India is sending a satellite to Mars or Mangal Graha, will that have any influence on that planet’s  GOCHARA  and thus the astrological dimensions associated with it ?

[A] Guruji -Son, Guruji conducted a detailed “PRASHNA” on this subject as the space agency’s top management itself had such worries and they personally asked Guruji’s advice before taking the decision to send the satellite on 5th of November. They were worried whether the satellite will be a MANGLIK and crash land in Indian Ocean due to being positioned in 5th HOUSE. Fortunately, Guruji’s PRASHNA shows that neither mangal graha, nor the satellite are going to be influenced astrologically because, the only thing that can ever get influenced astrologically is the astrologers bank account.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as his day’s karmas, darshans and market facing kriyas are to be completed. We shall meet here again next week unless Guruji gets a priority boarding call from the heavens. May his blessings be with you all(except those into statue building or are justifying it in TV)

Friday, November 8, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 20

Ladies,Gentleman and Policy-makers,

Guruji is on his way to lay foundation stone for the world's tallest politically motivated statue, made in a country that spends more money on VIP security than primary education. He is now ready to take your queries through his in-flight internet channel.

[Q] Dolly asks - Guruji, my husband and I are married for about six months now, our physical relationship hasn't picked up yet, as my husband says he is not ‘motivated enough’ to go for it . Is there any yoga technique that can help him?

[A] Guruji - Dear Dolly, your husband can practice Guruji’s patented "Samay Yoga". The yoga technique itself is very simple and easy to practice and there is no better ways to evoke one’s sensual senses. Here is the method - Every day morning, he must take a good bath in cold water, then have a glass of cold milk or ice tea. He must then sit in a room with good air circulation in a meditative half-lotus posture, facing west as that is the direction of planetary motions that influences your sensual feelings. Take a deep breath to increase his blood-oxygen levels and for the next 45 minutes read Times Of India. Repeat this for a week and he will not only start performing like a breeder bull, but also will start looking like one.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I’m the same person who spoke to you last week, the prime minister of the third world country. Your advice on the onion prices helped me to stay put, but now tomato prices have gone up and opposition is after me again. Can I apply the same job reservation technique here as well?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must understand one thing, that Guruji’s advices should not be treated like grandpa's underpants i.e in a one-size-fits-all fashion. Onion-strategy Guruji recommended will work only on onions. As tomatoes are perishable, they are like your country’s political leadership - become rotten and useless in no time. They won't even stay till you pass the reservation bill in your parliament. Hence Guruji advise you to be silent for a week(which he knows you are very good at), fresh tomatoes will be back in the market and the equally perishable memory of your voters will be back to normal as well. For your opposition, Guruji will keep them busy building tall statues that he made them believe is the best bet solution to win the next election.

[Q] Shaila asks - Guruji, my company always tells us in management trainings to have a ‘work-life balance’. Yet they make us slog like dung-beetles, work even on weekends etc. Isn’t this unethical of the company not to practice what they preach?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shaila, not at all. Your company is not unethical here for two reasons - One,  “work-life balance” is a short description of the statement “Work! Life? that you Balance somehow”. If you take that statement in it’s entirety, your company is right. Secondly,breeding dung beetles is not illegitimate business.Moreover, they are  paying good donations to gold-plate Gurujis ashram walls this year.

[Q] Amit asks - Gurudev, I am a successful investment banker, living in New York. I have acquired a good amount of wealth  with my job plus doing private investments in parallel and is leading a reasonably happy life. But after attending your sermons regularly, I feel I should take up a more spiritual path in life and become a spiritual guru or guide myself. I would like to ask you whether celibacy a must for this, or can I still have my spouse when I get into the spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Son, to take up spiritual path and become a spiritual master, one must cut all her/his earthly links and hence it is necessary that you leave your spouse. Remember what our great gurus and sages have taught us - “He who is off for a feast need no lunchbox to be carried along”.

OK children, time for Guruji to leave as his flight is about to land and the pilot insists that all telecommunication devices be switched off for he needs the entire internet bandwidth to Google how to land a plane. Guruji will meet you again next week if the pilot manages to find the answer.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 19

Hello everybody,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, you may now start asking your questions.

[Q] Kareena asks - Guruji, why do they have a semi/nearly nude woman in all kinds of advertisements these days including men’s wear. Isn’t it wrong to seek cheap ways to get attention?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kareena, you must understand that the advertisers are not seeking easy attention by having the semi/nearly nude women, as that could be achieved even by having a peeing dog or a pant-hooting chimp. In the world of ads, the most catchy are those which makes you think. The attireless lady has the unique power to throw some food for thought for everybody who comes across the ad. For example, all the men who see the picture will start thinking “Man..if I ever get her, where should I start from?”, all the women who see it would think “Bitch got some thick skin, but nice figure. How is she managing it?” while all the gender-neutral people(who usually make such advertisements) would start thinking why they are what they are. To tell you the truth dear, it even makes your pet dog think this way “Lots of flesh, but how come no smell? must be fake..let me move on..Woof..woof”.

[Q] K asks - Guruji, I am a social servant and member of parliament associated with a third world country. I have been working in my rural constituency trying to improve civic amenities and help the underprivileged class in improving healthcare, sanitation, primary education and things like that. But I have no way of getting things improved due to not getting funds allocated, poor support from bureaucracy and also the large population. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son K, by seeking Guruj's advice you have done the right thing. Stop everything that you are doing right now, instead seek funds to construct statutes of political leaders who are either dead, alive or in a state in between.

[Q] K asks - But Guruji, how can a statue..

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji recently got an enlightenment that the one stop solution to all the problems faced by a country of airheaded voters and taxpayers (which Guruji presume yours is one, from your description) is to spend few millions and build statues of leaders all around. The taller the statue, the better the results. No more poverty, lack of infrastructure, healthcare issues will haunt your country once the statues are unveiled. Care must be taken to not build it with having a handbag, which is an inauspicious article. A leader who followed Guruji's advice and built statues in another country lost her elections just because she built them all with the said bag. So go start grabbing land for it right away. You have Guruji’s assurance that this feat will make you even win a presidential or prime ministerial election as well.

[Q] Max asks -  Guruji, religions teach us that god is omnipresent, then why we have to go to religious shrines, pay donations or contributions to pray to god?

[A] Guruji - Son, though the atmosphere is full of air, you go to the fuel station, pay 10 rupees to the assistant and fill air(which they have written as ‘free air’)  in your car tyres. It is the same basic principle - god or air, business is business and it runs only on money.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am the Prime Minister of a highly populous third world country. I must admit that I am not a follower of yours as in our highly disciplined party, we are allowed to only follow the party president, the president's family members and pets. Coming to my problem, recently onion prices went up in our country and the opposition is now after my resignation saying its all because I don’t know my onions. How can I handle this situation?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is very simple and easy to resolve in your part of the world. Declare all those who don’t eat onion as a minority and announce them job reservations. Onion demand and prices will go down the next day, and your opposition will be forced to retreat. May Guruji’s blessings be with you and the presidential pets.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave, he promises to meet you again at same place, same time unless he finds something better to do. Till then may his blessings be with you all(excluding those engaged in bursting noisy crackers after midnight in his neighborhood)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 18

Ladies, Gentlemen and PM-aspirants,

We are glad to announce that Guruji has kindly agreed to spare an hour with you this weekend in spite of his busy weekend schedule chasing the rats out of his car hood. He has arrived on the dais, let us get started.

[Q] Juhi asks - Guruji, many researchers say that women got better multi-tasking skills than men. Why?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, this is true and can mainly be attributed to the division of labour existed between the two genders in the initial days of humanity. Ancient men were focusing single-mindedly on killing wild boars while women had to cook, rear kids and watch their rear from bear attacks simultaneously. Even in the modern day life, things didn’t change much. Manicuring while making sure the banana-egg yolk facial mask doesn't fall-off when you are microwaving yesterday's curry for lunch and also parallely sharing postnatal weight gain concerns with your friend over phone, all these when counting the number of pressure-cooker whistles is a job that demands tremendous multi-tasking skills while changing the channels on a remote doesn’t demand not only multi-tasking, but no particular skills at all.

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between a brand ambassador and a model ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, it is the same between a mistress and a hooker, tenure and commitment levels differ slightly, though the service done is same.

[Q] Max asks - Your Holiness, you take vibhuti out of thin air and distribute during your darshans. Now that prices are shooting up, can you fetch us some onions instead this season?

[A] Guruji - Son, one must understand that a spiritual guru will not and shall not use his powers to fulfill his disciples’ material desires. Vibhuti or sacred-ash is something spiritualistic, something holy that is food for one’s soul and not for the physical body. Hence Guruji may be using his powers to fetch vibhuti out of cosmic space but will not for fetching onions or petrol. Moreover, holding a kilo of onion will make his holy armpits smelly and heavy compared to a few grams of vibhuti.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, how do you compare deep religious faith and religious fundamentalism?

[A] Guruji - He would compare them like a cracker maker and a bomb manufacturer - Though the basic ingredients used are same, the former only uses them to pollute the environment with some sound and smoke while the latter uses them to blow-off your bottom.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness,  you have done many eternal travels and have been to heaven and hell multiple times. What is the  main difference between life in both these places?

[A] Guruji - Son, the only difference is that in hell banks levy interest on loans and pay interest on savings while in heaven it is the other way.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, are you saying that life on earth is same as in hell?

[A] Guruji - No son, there is one big difference, out there you don’t have to elect someone to eat your own tax money as you are already dead.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now. We shall meet again next week unless the cholesterol gods doesn’t demand Guruji to leave his current incarnation and take birth as a wild boar .

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 17

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples of all spiritual gurus,

Guruji is back in his Ashram, he will address your concerns now, let us get started.

[Q] Mahesh asks  - Your Holiness, a recent global survey says India has more slaves than any other parts of the world. What does it indicate?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, it indicates that we have a bigger voting population than other parts of the world.

[Q] Anonymous asks from Mumbail - Guru, I have spent 12 years in jail for cheating my investors, and have now came out. Now I am a changed individual and want to do something good for the society. Can you please advise me?

[A] Guruji - Son, If you want to do something good for the society, Guruji advise you to take up social service by joining a political party or religious group. This way you will soon get to go back to the jail and that will be the best thing you can do to the society - to stay away from it.

[Q] Sam asks  - Mr. Guruji, recently a spiritual guru had a vision that there is gold underneath a temple and archaeology department is now digging there. Were you ever had such dreams?

[A] Guruji - No son, but he will soon have one, when his paddy fields are coming up for plowing.

[Q] Aruna asks - Guruji, more and more men are turning to getting a ‘face-lift’ with cosmetic surgeries, fairness creams etc. Does that indicate a changing male mindset?

[A] Guruji - No Aruna, it only indicates that men are a lot dumber than you originally thought.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you were not in Ashram last week and hasn’t given us darshan. Were you on a pilgrimage ?

[A] Guruji - No son, he was on a mission to help an aspirant politician who is an ardent disciple of his, to teach him facial yoga techniques to bring more innocence to his otherwise woolfy face, as elections are on the way in his part of the world. However Guruji has failed in this mission and has now sought some direct divine intervention to help him.

[Q] Juhi asks from Juhu - Guruji, why they say diamonds are women's best friends?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, that’s because 'they' are into diamond business.

[Q] Anamika asks - Guruji, I recently broke with my boy friend over a petty fight. Now I repent it and want to get back to him. What is your advice to me?

[A] Guruji - Anamika dear, Guruji’s advise to you is not to use this spiritual forum as an alternative to your kinky, stupid tabloid q&a columns.

[Q] Prem asks - Guruji, right-wing extremism or left-wing extremism more desirable for a society like ours?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a society like ours, water closets for everybody is more desirable.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now as he is feeling lazy on a cool sunday morning to operate the computer any further. See you all next week if his Bangalore airport taxi rides this week don’t take him to the heavens.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 16

Ladies, Gentlemen and Disciples,

Guruji is here with you, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, what keeps you motivated?

[A] Guruji - Son, it’s his deep faith, his belief, his optimism that keeps Guruji motivated to continue with his karma - his faith that one day god will take birth on earth and save mankind from all our perils and agonies by eliminating poverty, inequality and Bangalore motor-bikers.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, for a layman, what is the difference between an astronomy and astrology?

[A] Guruji - It is the same between a dentist and a tooth fairy for a person with dental caries.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Gurudev, I am a successful businessman and also an ardent follower of yours, if your holiness recollect I wiped your holy bottom the maximum during the last looseness season. My problem is, on my way to success and richness, I did many wrong doings, I have bribed many officials to get things done my way, evaded tax, illegally mined raw materials, encroached public land and what not. But now I repent about it and fear about what punishment awaits me when I die?

[A] Guruji - Son, don't worry, continue doing the good deeds you mentioned, especially the wiping part, you may extend it to other needy people such as godmen and politicians too. And as a reward for your services, Guruji shall recommend you posthumously for the post of chairman of Board of Control for Cricket in Hell.

[Q] Amruta asks - Your Holiness, A colleague recently told me that she is 'spiritual but not religious' . What does it mean?

[A] Guruji - Amruta, it means she is drunk but not zonked.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, whenever a movie or a painting or a caricature is published with religious figures being the subject, there will be some or other group coming out demanding “this should be banned because it hurts religious sentiments”. What exactly is religious “sentiments”, why does it get hurt so fast?

[A] Guruji - Kumar, in a deeply religious society like ours, religious sentiment is something almost inborn in every one of us, just like how rhinos have their - ok, let us not talk about rhinos as it might hurt someone's religious sentiments somewhere - bulls have their balls. So you can see that the bull will bellow when someone hurt it’s vitals. 

[Q] Kumar asks - ..but Guruji, my question was about religious sentiments and not bull-vitals..

[A] Guruji - Son, the membrane between them is very thin.

[Q] Chottu asks- Guruji uncle, chicken or egg, which came first and why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, it's chicken that came first, because egg took time to boil, cool and peel.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, even today there are a lot of people who can be fooled with magic-healing and things like that. Who should be held responsible for misleading people in this fashion ? Religions? Spiritual leaders? Politicians? education system?

[A] Guruji - Max son, the one person responsible for all this is mother nature, as she couldn’t keep up with the promise of evolution of human brain.

- End -