Ladies, Gentlemen and national media,
Guruji has arrived on the dais, pray get started with your queries.
[Q] Mr. X asks - Guruji, I will be retiring from service soon. What kind of a neighbourhood I should choose to spend my retirement life, also what are some of the yoga techniques that I can practice that will keep me mentally and physically fit in my retirement life?
[A] Guruji - Son X, a happy retirement life depends on many facts, an important one being an un-retired spouse and the population density of the neighborhood you choose to live - density of womanhood in that neighbourhood he mean. On yoga techniques, a retiree must choose one that is easy to practice and relaxing. Guruji's patented 'samachar-kriya' can be very effective. To practice this yoga technique, place a chair in your veranda facing an open, airy space such as a road. Take a newspaper and holding it as a shield, move your eyes and neck briskly so that you can observe what’s called in urban male lingo as 'colour movements' around you. Continue this kriya every day, your retirement life will become more relaxing and exciting. However as with any other yoga techniques, practicing this kriya for a long time can cause damages to body parts, especially when the neighborhood’s brotherhood comes to know about it. Hence do not practice the same kriya continuously, instead periodically switch to other spiritual methods such as meditation and bar-hopping.
[Q] Shikha asks - Your Holiness, I am a graduate student. I would like to know whether there are any yoga techniques that can help me concentrate more on my studies.
[A] Guruji - Yes dear, focus and concentration is the most important thing for a young student like you and that is exactly what yoga promises as well; apart from broken necks, ribs etc that is. You can practice Guruji’s famous ‘bhataknasana’ yoga. And always remember to wear something yoga-friendly. Kidney-exposing tight-fits will be the most convenient ones - for your spectators he mean. Now to practice bhataknasana that improve concentration, sit down in vajrasana facing a deep water source like a pond or lake as water is one of the 3 key elements of life - apart from internet and tv - relax and close your eyes. Take a deep breath to increase your blood circulation and throw that bootless smartphone of yours into that pond and briskly walk away. Now you can concentrate on your studies well.
[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, there was news that you were strip-searched at airport security in a western country. There are a lot of modern-day scanning and detecting technology available, yet in some countries they strip-search and humiliate people. Isn't it wrong and unethical to do so ?
[A] Guruji - Son Saleem, it would have been wrong and unethical had we not discovered recently that we(at least some of 'us') evolved from pigs and chimps.Those genes and traits are still residual in few people and they come out with such wildly laws and policies and find pleasure in implementing them in the most harassing manner. We cannot consider those acts unethical as ethics are applicable neither to pigs nor chimps.
[Q] Mrs Sharma asks - Guruji, my daughter is getting married and soon she will be member of a new family. What are some of the important things I must advise my daughter take care so that she remain untroubled at her in-law’s?
[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.Sharma, most important thing for a girl moving into her in-laws is that she must try to understand and respect the person or persons who she is going to spend maximum time with. In your daughter's case Guruji understands with his inner vision that her husband is the breadwinner and hence won't be the one she’s going to spend a lot of time with, instead it will be her mobile phone. Guruji’s advice to you is to advise her to buy a low radiation one so that she won’t end-up in premature death from brain tumour.
Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he wish you all a very happy, prosperous, spiritual and politically eventful new year. Guruji will meet you same time, same place next year again, unless you end up in jail for manslaughter and negligent driving on the new year’s night and Guruji end up in heaven for coming on your way that night.