Guruji's Column - Part 19

Hello everybody,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, you may now start asking your questions.

[Q] Kareena asks - Guruji, why do they have a semi/nearly nude woman in all kinds of advertisements these days including men’s wear. Isn’t it wrong to seek cheap ways to get attention?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kareena, you must understand that the advertisers are not seeking easy attention by having the semi/nearly nude women, as that could be achieved even by having a peeing dog or a pant-hooting chimp. In the world of ads, the most catchy are those which makes you think. The attireless lady has the unique power to throw some food for thought for everybody who comes across the ad. For example, all the men who see the picture will start thinking “Man..if I ever get her, where should I start from?”, all the women who see it would think “Bitch got some thick skin, but nice figure. How is she managing it?” while all the gender-neutral people(who usually make such advertisements) would start thinking why they are what they are. To tell you the truth dear, it even makes your pet dog think this way “Lots of flesh, but how come no smell? must be fake..let me move on..Woof..woof”.

[Q] K asks - Guruji, I am a social servant and member of parliament associated with a third world country. I have been working in my rural constituency trying to improve civic amenities and help the underprivileged class in improving healthcare, sanitation, primary education and things like that. But I have no way of getting things improved due to not getting funds allocated, poor support from bureaucracy and also the large population. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son K, by seeking Guruj's advice you have done the right thing. Stop everything that you are doing right now, instead seek funds to construct statutes of political leaders who are either dead, alive or in a state in between.

[Q] K asks - But Guruji, how can a statue..

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji recently got an enlightenment that the one stop solution to all the problems faced by a country of airheaded voters and taxpayers (which Guruji presume yours is one, from your description) is to spend few millions and build statues of leaders all around. The taller the statue, the better the results. No more poverty, lack of infrastructure, healthcare issues will haunt your country once the statues are unveiled. Care must be taken to not build it with having a handbag, which is an inauspicious article. A leader who followed Guruji's advice and built statues in another country lost her elections just because she built them all with the said bag. So go start grabbing land for it right away. You have Guruji’s assurance that this feat will make you even win a presidential or prime ministerial election as well.

[Q] Max asks -  Guruji, religions teach us that god is omnipresent, then why we have to go to religious shrines, pay donations or contributions to pray to god?

[A] Guruji - Son, though the atmosphere is full of air, you go to the fuel station, pay 10 rupees to the assistant and fill air(which they have written as ‘free air’)  in your car tyres. It is the same basic principle - god or air, business is business and it runs only on money.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am the Prime Minister of a highly populous third world country. I must admit that I am not a follower of yours as in our highly disciplined party, we are allowed to only follow the party president, the president's family members and pets. Coming to my problem, recently onion prices went up in our country and the opposition is now after my resignation saying its all because I don’t know my onions. How can I handle this situation?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is very simple and easy to resolve in your part of the world. Declare all those who don’t eat onion as a minority and announce them job reservations. Onion demand and prices will go down the next day, and your opposition will be forced to retreat. May Guruji’s blessings be with you and the presidential pets.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave, he promises to meet you again at same place, same time unless he finds something better to do. Till then may his blessings be with you all(excluding those engaged in bursting noisy crackers after midnight in his neighborhood)