Friday, November 8, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 20

Ladies,Gentleman and Policy-makers,

Guruji is on his way to lay foundation stone for the world's tallest politically motivated statue, made in a country that spends more money on VIP security than primary education. He is now ready to take your queries through his in-flight internet channel.

[Q] Dolly asks - Guruji, my husband and I are married for about six months now, our physical relationship hasn't picked up yet, as my husband says he is not ‘motivated enough’ to go for it . Is there any yoga technique that can help him?

[A] Guruji - Dear Dolly, your husband can practice Guruji’s patented "Samay Yoga". The yoga technique itself is very simple and easy to practice and there is no better ways to evoke one’s sensual senses. Here is the method - Every day morning, he must take a good bath in cold water, then have a glass of cold milk or ice tea. He must then sit in a room with good air circulation in a meditative half-lotus posture, facing west as that is the direction of planetary motions that influences your sensual feelings. Take a deep breath to increase his blood-oxygen levels and for the next 45 minutes read Times Of India. Repeat this for a week and he will not only start performing like a breeder bull, but also will start looking like one.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I’m the same person who spoke to you last week, the prime minister of the third world country. Your advice on the onion prices helped me to stay put, but now tomato prices have gone up and opposition is after me again. Can I apply the same job reservation technique here as well?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must understand one thing, that Guruji’s advices should not be treated like grandpa's underpants i.e in a one-size-fits-all fashion. Onion-strategy Guruji recommended will work only on onions. As tomatoes are perishable, they are like your country’s political leadership - become rotten and useless in no time. They won't even stay till you pass the reservation bill in your parliament. Hence Guruji advise you to be silent for a week(which he knows you are very good at), fresh tomatoes will be back in the market and the equally perishable memory of your voters will be back to normal as well. For your opposition, Guruji will keep them busy building tall statues that he made them believe is the best bet solution to win the next election.

[Q] Shaila asks - Guruji, my company always tells us in management trainings to have a ‘work-life balance’. Yet they make us slog like dung-beetles, work even on weekends etc. Isn’t this unethical of the company not to practice what they preach?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shaila, not at all. Your company is not unethical here for two reasons - One,  “work-life balance” is a short description of the statement “Work! Life? that you Balance somehow”. If you take that statement in it’s entirety, your company is right. Secondly,breeding dung beetles is not illegitimate business.Moreover, they are  paying good donations to gold-plate Gurujis ashram walls this year.

[Q] Amit asks - Gurudev, I am a successful investment banker, living in New York. I have acquired a good amount of wealth  with my job plus doing private investments in parallel and is leading a reasonably happy life. But after attending your sermons regularly, I feel I should take up a more spiritual path in life and become a spiritual guru or guide myself. I would like to ask you whether celibacy a must for this, or can I still have my spouse when I get into the spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Son, to take up spiritual path and become a spiritual master, one must cut all her/his earthly links and hence it is necessary that you leave your spouse. Remember what our great gurus and sages have taught us - “He who is off for a feast need no lunchbox to be carried along”.

OK children, time for Guruji to leave as his flight is about to land and the pilot insists that all telecommunication devices be switched off for he needs the entire internet bandwidth to Google how to land a plane. Guruji will meet you again next week if the pilot manages to find the answer.

1 comment:

  1. are a riot. "They are like your country’s political leadership - become rotten and useless in no time" is my favourite!

    Btw, an uninvited suggestion. Instead of numbering your Guruji posts, try Guruji speaks - followed by an appropriate title.