Saturday, January 30, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Ignorance

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, isn’t it wrong for religious shrines to impose entry restrictions on women ?

[A] Guruji - No dear, not at all. Religious doctrines are imposed for a reason and you must respect that. If the gods decide that women are not welcome inside the sanctums, they should not forcibly go there and invite the wrath of the gods. 

[Q] Meena asks - ..but Guruji, these are not restrictions imposed by gods, instead by religious leaders and the clergy..

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, they are THE only gods, at least in such places, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, we humans I understand were originally herbivores. Shouldn’t it be better for us to go back to that then ?

[A] Guruji - Son, we were originally cave dwellers and fibling-suckers too you must know. In the process of evolution, mother nature had stopped breastfeeding us early(she had to deliver one of us every 10 months you see) and trained us to hunt and eat every now and then so that our survival is ensured. So continue that way is Guruji’s advice to you all, unless of course you want to go back to the caves and start..well, you got what he is saying, don’t you.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, they say “scientia potentia est” or Knowledge Is Power. In that case we should be having knowledgeable people leading the society always. Isn’t this proverb wrong then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, This is absolutely wrong, knowledge will not lead you anywhere. Guruji’s centuries long study shows the opposite, that - “Ignorance Is Power”.

[Q] Lata asks - Your Holiness, how could this be possible, can you please elaborate that ?

[A] Guruji - Dear, one must know that,
  • Ignorance of voters get politicians elected
  • Ignorance of consumers make businesses flourish
  • Ignorance of citizens make bureaucracy rule 
  • Ignorance of devotees make religions grow
  • Ignorance of farmers make merchants prosper
  • Ignorance of followers make political parties win elections
  • Ignorance of viewers make news channels popular
  • Ignorance of fans make Bollywood stars

[Q] Miss X asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about government rewarding citizens annually with civilian awards?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss X, it is absolutely wrong for a government to treat it's citizens differently and reward some while ignoring others. A government should be like a mother to all it’s citizens and a mother feeding her kids according to their intellectual abilities is incorrect.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in that case isn’t it wrong for some of you spiritual gurus to accept these awards ?

[A] Guruji - Of course not my son, we spiritual gurus don't consider the government our mother but a mere bed partner.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, your answers lately make me feel that you are an absolute moron with no cognisance, common sense or respect for traditions and values. Am I right?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, followers get the spiritual leader they deserve

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave and take a leak, he will meet you same place, same time next month; unless an ATC error takes him to the heavens by then.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Asstrology

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors!

Guruji has been in deep meditation for many decades to acquire advanced knowledge in astrology. He has been enlightened by the heavens on many dimensions of astrology hitherto unknown to humanity that he will now practice for the betterment of society and it will be called “Asstrology” hereafter. In today’s special darshan, Guruji will provide asstrological advice to you all on your personal and professional problems. Do keep the following vital information ready - the subject’s date and time of birth, birth-place, mother’s maiden name and credit card details and start your questions.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, how does one’s mother’s maiden name and credit card details influence her/his future?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, there are many facets of cosmic influences on human life that Guruji has discovered and developed in Asstrology. With these two factors an enlightened one like Guruji can give a lot of insight into a person’s life, unlike the birth date-time that can only help predicting their age. Especially a lot of insight can be made into her bank account with that information and hence they are vital to predict one's future as well.

[Q] Sudhakar asks - Guruji, my son was born on 8th of January, 1990 around 6.30 PM in Chennai. Can you please tell me when should he marry, what kind of a girl should we look for him ?

[A] Guruji - Son Saudagar, your son’s birth chart shows Ketu in 1st house, Mangala in 5th house and more importantly the 3rd house has a college going girl he is after. This is not at all a suitable time for him to get married as Shukra is in the 7th house, in the form of the currently minor girl’s kickboxer brother. Hence Guruji advises him to wait for a planetary alignment such that Shukra moves out of 7th house.

[Q] Mr.X asks - Guruji, I am a popular film actor in my part of the world, I have been asked by the government to be the brand ambassador of the country’s tourism initiatives. Is it a good time to pick this up?

[A] Guruji - Son X, Guruji analysed your horoscope, you have Ketu in 11th house, Rahu in 5th house, and a relatively crowded 6th house with nearly every other planet in the solar system which means you are going through astrologically dirty waters currently. Also brand ambassadorship is a double edged closet, means it can spill your own filth on to you if things go wrong. Guruji advises you to advise your government to stop running behind movie actors as a one stop solution to all its publicity needs.

[Q] Mr. Y asks - Your Holiness, you have special powers to help the needy and poor brand ambassadors I understand. I am a famous sports personality in my part of the world and take up brand ambassadorship for virtually anything that comes my way and got into trouble recently when I was portrayed as a godly avatar of branding. Have I done anything wrong?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing wrong in being a brand ambassador god as gods themselves are nobody but brand ambassadors of their respective cults. In other words, brand ambassadors are to brands as gods are to religions - mute mascots. So continue to do your ambassadorial karma and pocket the millions while your stars are shining. Keep your lawyers and political friends happy, things will be fine, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, a comedian recently got arrested for mimicking a spiritual leader. In the wake of this, what is your advice to comedians ?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, cannibalism is not suitable for primate species, hence Guruji urges comedians and clowns to stop mimicking each other to make a living.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now as the space scientists in his part of the world are waiting outside to seek his aastrological advice before launching their new satellite. He will meet you soon, unless he gets arrested for mimicking primatel expressions and thereby hurting the feelings of apeophiles.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Guruji Speaks - God's Guards

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political Sports Administrators,

Guruji’s holy-bottom has been placed on the dais for the special new year holy-darshan. Do get started with your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Leela asks - Guruji, I'm totally confused about this whole thing of democracy in my country. What is wrong when in opposition turns right when in power and vice versa across political parties. Who should I vote next time ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Leela, it is not a problem of democracy as a system but that of the society practising it which still spits and litter in public places, yet cry that the government is inefficient. On the question of who you should vote next time, Guruji advises you to wait till the elections. Media cheerleaders (or cheer-strippers, depending on which angle you look from) in your part of the world will decide it and issue you instructions accordingly.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, I notice that in general women are more religious than men. I deduced it by observing that there are more temple, church going women than men in my part of the world. Why are women more pious traditionally?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly Guruji advises you to get out of that roadside wall you are sitting counting temple-church going women and SPEND YOUR TIME TO DO SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL IN LIFE. Now to answer your question , traditionally no sane woman was religious as all the religions were created by men for their own convenience, one of them being keep women away in the kitchens and bedrooms (in that order). However no social setup can exist without  mass support, hence women were asked by their male masters to follow the order and pray and women fell prey. Since they are more committed to what they do, women became more religious over a period of time.

[Q] Shyam asks - Your Holiness, in that case what is your advice to  today's religious women?

[A] Guruji - The same (capitalized) advice Guruji gave you before holds good for them as well. 

[Q] Sevak asks - Guruji, I am a member of a self-service society, whose objective is to protect our religion and faith by lynching those whom we think are hurting our religious sentiments. Am I doing the right thing ?

[A] Guruji - Son Sevak, you indeed are doing a noble deed, of protecting the gods who have lately turned into a bunch of numb, hapless, unresponsive cement / stone structures or bookish heroes. You are their only hope, that with all the blood you sprinkle in their name will motivate and wake them up one day and they will start bestowing fortune and happiness all over you and your fellow members. 

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I read somewhere that you are on a mission to modernize astrology and give it a new dimension all together. How is it coming up, what will be your version of astrology known as in future?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is ready and this new advanced branch of astrological studies will be called “Asstrology” 

[Q] Divya asks - Guruji, which is a better form of democracy - one lead by a president or a prime minister ?

[A] Guruji - Either form can work well dear, it all depends on how good the president or the prime minister is; as a showboat.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, what is your new year’s message to us disciples ?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is no new year or old year for an unworldly, spiritual person like Guruji. Calendars are mere tools created by humans to mark worldly events. A new year's day happens because of another cosmological spinning of our tiny planet like any other day. But in general his advice to all his disciples at the moment is to drink lot of water along as well.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take a break to drink some water, may his blessings and care be with you all. He will meet you here soon, unless he get roughed up by some or other god’s guards by then.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Guruji Speaks - Intolerance

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cash cows,

Guruji has ended his long maun-vrat he had taken up in response to the tax department’s increasing intolerance towards his offshore accounts. Now that good days have come for spiritualists like him, he is here to address you all, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Ramya asks - Guruji, people say that intolerance is on the rise in our part of the world. As a sage who had seen many different generations of our society, do you think this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ramya, this is incorrect because sociologically speaking  intolerance is a form of energy which will neither rise nor fall. That means it can neither be created or destroyed and can only be converted from one form to another. For example, 
--When your intolerance to stinking neighbourhoods decrease, your intolerance towards what your neighbours pooped in the neighbourhood will increase and you will cry out “No one can poop monkey meat in my vicinity!”. 
--When your intolerance to other people’s false goddesses increase, your intolerance to own equally false goddesses will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to tax money being spent on PR by your government decrease, your intolerance to those who question it will increase. 
--When your intolerance to people who make noise on increasing intolerance increase, your intolerance to noises in general will decrease. 
--When your intolerance to the qualifications of your education minister increase, your intolerance to ineffective education system will decrease. 

[Q] Samir asks -  Guruji, is it ethical for somebody to eat animals worshipped by others ?

[A] Guruji -  Son Samir, it is absolutely wrong and unethical to eat animals worshipped by others, provided the said animals are endangered, vulnerable, stolen, rotten, uncooked, alive, rearing, torchered, buried, poisoned, plagued or politicked.

[Q] Chottu asks - Guruji uncle, why is that we celebrate Nehru's birthday as Children's day? Isn’t it better to celebrate the birthday of somebody else who we children are more fond of, say Mickey Mouse’s as Children’s day?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, children’s day is celebrated to build awareness among parents how to bring up their children so that they lead a successful life. Nehru was somebody who was highly successful in this, with his child, her children and their children succeeding in governing a country for many decades. Hence he is considered a role model for everybody who got children, and his birthday is celebrated as children’s day. Mickey Mouse on the other hand remained same like the rest of us throughout his life - a cartoon character.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the difference between being extremely spiritual and being fanatical ?

[A] Guruji - being naked in your bathroom is different from being so on the streets my son.

[Q] Miss. Q asks - Guruji, I am the chief minister of a state in my part of the world, I would like to impose full alcohol prohibition in my state as elections are coming up and I can secure a good amount of votes through this action I think. But I am also worried whether it will cause more unrest and catastrophes like hooch tragedies in future ? What is a good solution for this situation?

[A] Guruji - Dear Q, you can go ahead and impose full prohibition in your state without any worries, you have Guruji’s blessings. Guruji shall direct the federal government in your part of the world to form more Union Territories around your state for the welfare of your alcoholic population .

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, isn’t it wrong to appoint unskilled people at the helm of premier institutes in the country ? Shouldn’t it be the experts in the domain who should head them?

[A]. Guruji - Son, this thinking is wrong - that only experts have the expertise to do things. If that was the case we wouldn't have had Bollywood, Yoga Gurus or Public Works Departments in our solar system. An inclusive society is one that gives everyone a chance; irrespective of they are skilled-experts or serial-killers.

[Q]  Sevak asks - Guruji, I live abroad comfortably, but I would like to have all those unfortunate souls in my home country who question wrongdoings there to be deported to a hostile, poor neighbouring country. Some people say I am not entitled to demand so. Can you advise ?

[A] . Guruji - Son Sevak, there is nothing wrong in what you think. For a cow -  any cow, not the cow that you are thinking about - grass always is green in the meadows and she should go there and graze as much as she can. There is nothing wrong and it is her right to complain about the filthy barn she herself dirtied before leaving. This is completely natural and normal behaviour for any animal whether it is a cow or an extremist-expat.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave as he is taking up a world tour to enlighten his overseas followers and preach them on the need for tolerance, love and compassion towards the thugs back home who burn  their neighbours bottoms for the crime of existing. 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Guruji Speaks - Again


Ladies, Gentlemen and their leaders,

Guruji’s asshram is happy to announce you that his holiness has found some time to converse with you all again. His holy bottom is placed on the dias, you may now raise your doubts, grievances and concerns.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, you were not giving darshan for a very long time. Were you on a long pilgrimage or a long maun-vrat?

[A] Guruji - None my son! With the arrival of welfare state in his part of the world, he was busy executing the executive and execution powers that his spiritual bottom was vested with by the government.

[Q] Ram asks - Then Guruji, why have you decided to descend from the throne to talk to us now?

[A] Guruji - Things now stand changed my son; With some eternally conceived sons of a lady with canine bloodline in the media brought up this issue that fake degrees cannot be considered degrees any more and his holiness who was in possession of few  had to surrender his executive powers until the government amend the present law(lessness) such that any degree, including their primate-pedigree should be considered valid and valuable if it is bestowed on a V.I.P. In the meanwhile, Guruji decided to sit back, relax and spend his free time enlightening his disciples.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, It is said that wheels are man’s greatest invention and has changed the course of human life. Can you explain?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is true and for multiple reasons. One was that invention of wheels made man realize the power of rotational motion, a knowledge that was hitherto common sense and was known only to women and children. Also by inventing wheels, man realized that many things can be “invented” and inventions can keep him away from being asked to go out and hunt in the super-market. Also once wheels were invented, man had to invent many more things to place his bottom on it and keep it running steady - such as engines, air-bags, cup-holders etc. In summary, the invention of wheels dramatically changed man’s life until mid 20th century, by when TV remote was invented.

[Q] Smita asks - Guruji, you are an immortal who has seen many many yugas of human life. Recently an eminent personality claimed that aircraft were operational from around 7000 years in his part of the world. Can you confirm whether this is correct?

[A] Guruji - Affirmative dear, in fact some of those 7000 year old crafts are still operational in those parts of the world, they call it the “national carrier” (“Push-Pack Vimaan” in Sanskrit). In fact the cabin crew hired around the same time are still manning, womaning them as well !

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, if spiritual gurus have real spiritual powers, why do you all run charitable hospitals, can’t you just faith heal people?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, in spite of having your eyes and ears connected to a decently functioning brain, it is unfortunate that people ask such incongruous questions. Nevertheless, Guruji will explain the rationale behind the above mentioned irrationality once again. Spirituality, one must know that has three aspects - 1) Social 2) Economic and 3) Facial Hair.  Socially, it is the karma of a spiritual guru to keep his critics at bay(Of Pigs), which is achieved when he make people say “At least he is doing that for the poor”. Secondly, one attains economic equilibrium when he is able to convert all his “black” to “white” tax free, for which the ideal channel is charity.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, then what about the third factor you mentioned ? How does that impact..

[A] Guruji - Son Max, again another hair-brained question ! you must stop eating broiler chicken Guruji would advise. That was to evoke your sense of humour dude / mate / bro(or whatever is the latest salutation running in the market), a spiritual guru ought to crack PJs to en-kindle his disciples one must know.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, what according to your holiness is the single biggest “game-changer” technology invention of 21st century ?

[A] Guruji -  That is the selfie-stick dear.

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to part with you all for now, as he has many heads of states waiting outside for his blessings and selfies with his holy bottom. He shall converse with you all same time, same place, next week - unless of course his fake degrees are de-faked through an amendment in the law by then.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Ethics

Men, women, children and others,

Guruji has returned to the material universe  once again to hear from you all and to enlighten you all. He has arrived on the dais and you may now get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, you are a proponent of tall statues as a one-stop solution to all our problems and perils. Now that the government has set aside a ton of money in the new budget to construct one, will that make you happy ?

[A] Guruji - Absolutely my son, no erection had ever made Guruji so happy as this one after Pharaoh Khafra told him in 2602 B.C about his plans to build The Sphinx. Guruji foresee that this peerless statue will become a huge morale booster to a nation with 70% of it's population waking up in the morning with nothing to poo out. 

[Q] Namita asks - Guruji, I’m a college student, all my friends are now having beautiful tattoos done on their skin, hence I too want to have one done. But my mother says tattoos are a sign of  moral laxity and I am not allowed to get one done. How can a drawing of a butterfly or a flower on the skin make one immoral?

[A] Guruji - Dear Namita, drawing a tattoo on your skin will never make you an immoral person, unless that skin is thereafter used for malicious purposes such as hooking/hustling or more sinful activities like performing Bollywood item numbers that titillate kaamdev-in-waitings to harass poor girls on the road  for the crime of belonging to the same gender. So go ahead and get it done if your conscience is clear is Guruji’s advice to you. Also with his sixth sense Guruji foresee your next question and will answer that too here - It is best drawn on the exposable fringes of an unexposable body part to get maximum exposure.

[Q] A concerned mother asks - Your Holiness, I’m deeply concerned about my college-going daughter. My worry is about her friends circle. She is under peer pressure to get some tattoos done on her body. According to her it will make her look more ‘cooler’. I’m worried whether my daughter is growing up as an inconsiderate, self-centered, irresponsible person with all this?

[A] Guruji - Dear concerned mother, your concerns are valid, evil aspects of modern life like skin tattoos can spoil our next generation as the tattooed skins are widely used for malicious purposes like Bollywood item numbers and even worse - in cosmetic advertisements. As a parent, you must do everything possible to stop kids being trapped into these things. The best way to stop your daughter from getting that evil tattoo done is to have you get one done yourself; because for kids, something that their parents have will no more be attractive and 'cool'. And if it’s something more cooler and radical compared to the butterfly that your daughter may be planning to carve on her skin, like a wine glass with a serpent around, a topless mermaid, or even a Justin Bieber portrait, you have Guruji’s assurance that not only your daughter, but nobody in your next three generations will ever talk about the subject of tattoos thereafter.

[Q] Smitha asks - Your Holiness, if people elect a leader with an overwhelming majority and if that leader fails to deliver, should we blame the leader or the people who elected her/him ?

[A] Guruji - Neither. We should blame comic books. They created superheros that the said people read in their childhood which influenced them to make the said electoral decision.

[Q] Mr N asks -  I have a small business that is slowly picking up. I now need to appoint a trustworthy accountant. I've shortlisted  two candidates - one male and one female. Before a final decision , I would like to know whether men or women, who are more ethical in general.

[A] Guruji - Son, ethics is not a quality that is gender dependent - unlike self-discipline or cleanliness, where men win hands-down, especially when the women are away visiting their parents.  Now, to your question of trustworthiness - In General vampire bats are more ethical, as they have never tried to conceal with cosmetic creams the biological fact that they are bloodsuckers.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart, he shall meet you same place, same time next week, unless a constitutional amendment makes his existence illegal. 

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Emotional leakage

Ladies, Gentlemen and building contractors,

Guruji has arrived in the prayer hall and has placed his holy bottom on the dias, you may now get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Kumar asks -  Guruji, I’m about to get married and I am worried that the woman I’m planning to marry is wiser than I am and in future she will dominate me with her smartness. What should I do? Call off the wedding or go ahead and marry her?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji advises you to go ahead and marry without any worries because of two reasons. Firstly,  wise husbands, mermaids, tooth fairies are all fantasy figures existing only in folklore and you aiming to become one will be a futile exercise. Secondly, there is no danger in marrying a smarter woman because, in the history of humankind no wise woman had ever used her wisdom against her husband, except to convince him pay her apparel bills. You, your future spouse and the textile shop owners have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Brinda asks - Guruji, have we evolved from other creatures or are we created by god?

[A] Guruji - Dear Brinda, Guruji had answered this question on many occasions earlier too, we are not toilet-rolls  or political scams  to be "created" by somebody, we have evolved from lesser complicated life forms gradually.

[Q] Brinda asks -  ..but Guruji, what is the proof that we evolved from lesser intelligent life forms?

[A] Guruji - Don’t you watch Big Boss?

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, has social media really changed anything about our lives ? if so what is that change?

[A] Guruji  - Son, social media has contributed to humanity in many different ways. It is hard to point out any particular aspect that influenced us more than others. However, helping us make informed decisions is one of the biggest changes social media has brought in. Imagine your spouse of 20th century coming to know that you “LIKE”ed Mallika Sherawat ’s “TWEETS” or Pooja Bedi’s “BLOGS” last night. Had we not have social networking,  the above information would have caused her applying a pressure of 10 Chapati Rollers on your head instantly.

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] - We would like to clarify here that the “spouse of 20th century” mentioned by Guruji here is different from “20th Century Spouse”, a TV serial made by an Indian woman producer to prove the theory of evolution.  

[Q] Mr.A asks - Your Holiness, in my job I come across many irate customers and colleagues who I cannot shout back at. Now problem is I ended up yelling at my spouse or kids that evening to get myself some consolation. Am I right in doing so? If not what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, your condition is what behavioural scientists call “emotional leakage”. It is absolutely wrong to take your anger on your spouse or children as they are not responsible for your said condition. The best remedial measure for this is to go to a wide, open space such as a hilltop and yelp in all random directions for half an hour, you will feel alright after that. Now if the hilltop is not a possible option, your next best bet solution is to join national television as a prime-time news anchor.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all, may his blessings be with you. We shall meet at the same place, same time next week unless an ongoing epidemic like dengue fever or football world cup force him to be bedridden by then.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Gender equality

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is back from a long and enduring mission to save and rehabilitate a set of unfortunate souls that fell into the clutches of the evil and were becoming a threat to the existence of humanity itself; ladies and gentlemen, here he is, back from the IPL owner’s meeting. His holiness will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Neha asks - Guruji, most men are ready to spend hours washing and cleaning their cars and motorcycles but not ready to wash even a tablespoon or saucer at home. Why men behave in such an irrational fashion ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, one must understand that separation of duties between men and women is an important adaptation given by nature for survival and it should not be interpreted as irrational behaviour of one gender or other. In the beginning of humanity(by which he mean immediately after the humanity got married and moved into their new apartments), women were to keep the family tree growing by ensuring a hygienic environment for the offspring to grow up and thus developed the habit of cleaning their prehistoric pots, pottery and potty rooms all the time. Men(such as the prehistoric neighbourhood uncles and boys) on the other hand were to be fully equipped to set out on a hunt any time and were to keep their stones and sticks groomed all the time. Since humanity happen to go through the metal ages thereafter, instead of grooming stones and sticks or pottery, modern men and women groom their more equivalent metallic equipment, that is all.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your holiness, while in most other species males are more beautiful compared to females - say roosters and peacocks have their beautiful feathers, lions have manes, male elephants have their big,long..

[Guruji’s blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this is a spiritual forum..

[Q] Juhi asks - I was to say tusks. Why is it that in humans it is the other way, i.e females considered beautiful and not males ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, beautiful physical appearance is again an adaptation given to males of many species by mother nature to attract mates(Well, by being a female herself, she might have had other reasons too). Such an adaptation is not required for a human male because he can hardly win a mate by having a mane or colourful feathers. He may maximum become a pop star with such an adaptation.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you always ask us to stay positive and think positive. But is this possible? Say scientists are telling us that we have this ever looming threat of large celestial objects hitting our planet anytime, killing all of us. In such a scenario, how is it possible for one to think positive?

[A] Guruji - Son Ram, it definitely is possible to think positive no matter how adverse your conditions are if you think about the positive side of that condition. Say in the above mentioned situation, isn't it positive enough to think that if a meteor hit our heads, we no more have to watch Bollywood movies ?

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, what is the one thing that differentiate us humans from other creatures? Is it our ability to think ?

[A] Guruji - No son, it is a misconception that we can think better than other species. Every creature has its own levels of thinking abilities. What makes us different is our ability to behave irrationally. No other creature has  this capability, they can only behave the way they are expected to.

Ok children, time for Guruji to part with you for now as he has to go on a long pilgrimage, before he become another victim of domestic cleanliness on this otherwise nice and sunny Saturday morning.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Mothers Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Power-runners,

Guruji has arrived on the stage, he will now address our questions, queries and concerns,

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, I think this salutation of “spiritual leader” is a bit confusing, as it is not very clear what "spirits" are we talking about, whether as in bhoot or alcohol or even simple “sportsman spirit” like that of Ass-aaram Bapus? Can’t we have a better term to address  spiritual leaders?

[A] Guruji - Son, we are spiritual in all of the above dimensions you mentioned. However Guruji agree that it is high time we get a more "sexier" title, especially with the kind of interest we have on that topic, plus our increasing influence the corporate world. May be we can be called Chief Religious Officers or simply CROS hereafter.

[Q] Inder asks - Your Holiness, in my part of the world people prefer jaywalking on busy roads risking their life even if there is a zebra crossing or a traffic signal in the next 50 meters. Is it a problem of discipline or social upbringing ?

[A] Guruji - Son, with the kind of values and culture richness existing in your part of the world , Guruji will not attribute this behavior to social upbringing and discipline. Instead he will blame Mother Nature because she clearly hasn't done a good job of evolution in your part of the world it looks like and people still have few of the primate traits left in them that they are yet to learn that a two ton metal thing moving at 70 KMPH can turn their bottoms into bananas.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your Holiness,  scientists say “Men and women are chemically wired to think, do things differently”. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Dear Juhi, Guruji won't agree with that view, if it was “..chemically weird..”, he would have.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, why do people donate luxury articles like gold ornaments, cash etc to gods? Are the god really that flamboyant in their lifestyle that they enjoy these extravagant offerings and shower blessing on those who donate them?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, it is wrong to attribute  flamboyancy to gods firstly because it amounts to blasphemy and secondly because in reality they are poor people struggling to substantiate their own existence in the cosmos in fact. However the donations are vital to the sustenance of faith and religion, especially because the earthly apostles of heavens such as priests, godmen, cult leaders etc would have to lead an exemplary heavenly life to motivate us humans to live to earn it.

[Q]  Max asks - Guruji, of late, especially during this parliament election, we are seeing unprecedented levels of active involvement of religious leaders, spiritual gurus who take sides and send out messages of hatred, partisan-ism etc. Where do you think it will  all lead us to ?

[A] Guruji - This will all lead us to ultimately believe that they are right and we are wrong. 

[Q]  Miss D asks - Guruji, can you recommend me some mother's day gift ideas ?

[A] Guruji - Dear D, Guruji would like to remind you that this is a spiritual advisory forum and not one of your bogus, urban neo-middle class lifestyle websites. Go wash the vessels for her for few days instead is Guruji’s advice to you.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he is starting on a pilgrimage to the mountains, to pray for the countries that are going to be under the clutches of power-hungry, ruthless politicos in future. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Guruji Speaks; Honestly

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji’s holy bottom has been placed on the dais, all of you have his seasons greetings for this mudslinging season, pray get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, is it true that Akshaya Tritiya is a day auspicious for buying gold? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Max, it indeed is the most auspicious day to buy jewelry. As per lunar calendar, it is the Tithi of Shukla Paksha in the month of Vaishakha or Baisakha or Boishakh depending on what you are chewing while saying it. In the past it was observed as a good day to start new ventures. In fact Veda Vyasa selected this day to start writing Mahabharata. But in modern India, the day has a slightly different significance. It is the day found suitable to trick people into buying their old stock at higher price by Smartass MallU Gold-merchants LEague or SMUGLE. Also there is a proposal by expert astrologers like Guruji to make every lunar day as Akshaya Tritiya for two reasons 1) Avoid stampede at jewelries 2) We are employed by the said league. Guruji has also done a Prashna and has come up with other auspicious days to buy chicken breasts, undergarments etc as well, for details you may contact his Ashram.

[Q]  Ruchi asks - Guruji, many people add “frankly speaking”, “honestly speaking” etc at times during their conversations. Does that mean they weren't all that frank or honest about whatever they said till then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, frankly speaking, you are right. Most people aren't that frank or honest about everything they say or do, which is why we are where we are today.

[Q] Miss R asks - Guruji, I have a male colleague who had been a very good friend all this while. But recently he proposed to me which I politely rejected. Now he is behind me pressing for a reason why I don’t want to marry him. I cannot disclose that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a moody mama-boy who is a cricket-stricken couch potato dork with a Bollywood item-girl as his desktop wallpaper. How do I politely put it across so that it doesn't hurt him, yet convey my decision clearly ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss R, this is a question Guruji gets very often, except that the desktop preferences change from person to person, and he recon he had answered it earlier as well. A straight rejection will lead a man to dejection, so you must never do that. Instead, you should indirectly put your point across very politely and respectfully so that he understands you. Here is what you can say - “Jackie, I’m not sure what to say, I'm so touched by you considering me for being your life partner! But deep down in my heart I feel that if I have any such high ambitions of causing the mutation of humanity from it’s current anthropological state, I would prefer marrying a rhesus monkey”. He will get your point, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, why do the government insists that bars and liquor outlets be closed during elections and national days ? Isn't it basic human rights violation by denying one his right to drink?

[A] Guruji - Son, a temporary ban on liquor is not human rights violation, instead the government is helping you to stock enough stuff beforehand so that you avoid last minute rush. And since you can never measure what “enough stuff” means when comes to spirits and spiritually, you would naturally stock excess not to take chances. Thus, statistically, any closure imposed on spirit shops drastically improves the overall weekly sales, which means better customer satisfaction, more taxes and ultimately better infrastructure, better standard of living for the society etc. Guruji is sure you will not attribute a good measure like that to human rights violation hereafter.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, my husband is such a lazy bum...

[Guruji's blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this forum is strictly for Guruji's disciples, no outsiders - such as his family members - are allowed here..

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to set out on a critical mission, to ensure that peace and international harmony prevails in his drawing room. He will be back here with you same time next week, unless he gets run over by a speeding shopping cart or caught in a stampede at the vegetables section of the grocery store during his mission.