Sunday, April 20, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Transparency

Ladies, Gentlemen and Transgentles,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your queries. Please keep your questions short, he has very less time today as he has to a give special darshan to a premier cricket league's stakeholders that include(but not limited to) gambling-goons, tax-evading-tycoons, bear-hugging-brand-ambassadors, choliless-cheerleaders etc in another part of the world later in the day.

[Q] Smitha asks -  Gurudev, do you think we have the right candidates in the fray for national leadership this time around ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, yes, with Heaven’s grace, we do have the right candidates running for the country’s leadership this time. Now if we need anybody better, we have to import a few Venom-spitting Cobras from Africa.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, the IPL season is starting. what is your advisory for the teams?

[A] Guruji - Ram, in the past IPL has gone through many sticky wicket situations, resulting in gaining bad name for the game. Hence this time around Guruji advises all stakeholders to remember one thing to have it all clean - TRANSPARENCY. His advice to the corporate co-owners is to have transparency in their financial dealings so that it’s easy for the tax agencies, police to jail them with enough evidences. His advice to team members is to have transparency in their gestures and actions so that the bookies get it all correct. And last but not the least, his advice for the Bollywood heroines and cheerleaders involved is to be transparent too - in their outfits - for better spectator satisfaction.

[Q] Anand asks - Guruji, can you suggest a good motto for my country?

[A] Guruji - Son, here it is - “Anything usable will be misused”

[Q] Miss K asks - Guruji, I hear that you have a yoga technique for every situation. My problem is that I live in a community where unusual levels of public flatulence resulting in a stinking environment. Do you have any yoga techniques to recommend for people with this problem?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss K, it is a misunderstanding that yoga is a one stop solution for all your problems - unless you are a yoga guru making a living out of it that is. In your case, no amount of yoga can resolve the said problem, just plaster the mouths of your national news anchors and party spokespersons, the stink will subside.

[Q] Jay asks - Guruji, often we see political leaders running for national leadership across the world having their motto “Vote for change.  Vote me”. I wonder what they will do next time around ?

[A] Guruji - Son, next time they can combine it into a single sentence “Vote for changing me”

Ok children, please allow Guruji to take leave now, he will meet you at same place, same time next week, unless he get auctioned in the sports market by then.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Inner Peace

Ladies, Gentleman and Pahalwan Politicians,

Guruji has descended his holy bottom on the holy hot-seat, he will now take your questions, please get started.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, a top politician recently tried justifying rape by stating that boys do mistakes at times, we must not hang them for that. Do you agree with this view?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, Guruji would totally agree with the politician here, boys do mistakes and we must help and reform them. Say if a boy steals bread out of hunger, a true leader will try to reform the boy by providing him with food from his own kitchen so that he won’t be tempted to rob the poor neighbourhood bakers, right? Similarly the said leader Guruji hope will lead the way in this case and supply the said boys with whatever ‘food’ they were after from his home so that they don’t attack poor girls on the road.

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, till recently the only identity we common men (and women) of this country had was our 'aam aadmi' label that gave us a community feeling and some level of confidence that we can collectively bargain for our basic necessities such as the right to eat, the right to take bath, right to wash our bottoms etc. But now that identity also is hijacked by political parties. What should we do now?

[A] Guruji - Son, when one identity goes of, a competent community like yours must adapt another rather than lamenting over it. Guruji recommend all you common men and women out there to choose an assy identity going forward without having to worry about somebody hijacking that identity, as donkeys are gentle, trustworthy creatures having no problem sharing their humble namespace (or even their living space) with other fellow beings, unlike the ones who stole your current identity.

[Q] Shankar asks - Guruji, I feel we middle-aged men are the most neglected, ignored and taken for granted set of people. We get no appreciation for our deeds, no girls aspire for us, we get the least consideration and priority when coming to anything from queuing up for boarding a plane to getting evacuated from a sinking ship. Why is this discrimination, aren’t we the most worthy set of people as we form the top business persons, top politicians, top artists, top everything in fact ?

[A] Guruji - Son, though you have raised a very important question here, you have made a critical error by saying ”WE middle-aged men” as by that you have classified Guruji too as an ill-fated, rapidly aging, potbellied desperado while in reality he is a chiranjeevi who belongs to no age groups and is as desirable as a Bollywood Khan with 8 packs(6 anterior, 2 posterior) in his current avatar.  Coming back to your question, the answer is there in your statement itself - it is your very “top everything” status that makes people give you the least priority and respect as you also form the top rapists, top child-molesters, top politicians, top thieves, top warlords, top news anchors, top stock-traders etc as well. Guruji advises you all to become topless in the above mentioned categories, you will earn your due respect.

[Q] Pushpak asks - Guruji, why do all you religious leaders are against homosexuals, aren't they also God's creations and deserve a place in the society?

[A] Guruji - Pushpak, it is a misconception that we religious leaders are fully against homosexuality, it is only the first 4 letters that we oppose, for the rest, we are fully committed and are more than happy to dedicate our whole life for it.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, what is inner peace, how can one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, like the outside world, our souls also have an inner world. As in a calm and peaceful exterior world - that is, the one without destructive activities like wars, natural calamities, Bollywood movies etc, there is also a state of calmness that prevails in your inner world as well. One can attain it by having focus, dedication and more importantly by releasing inner gases through appropriate bodily apertures at appropriate times.

Ok children, Guruji will take leave now to take a leak. He will meet you same space, time and any other dimensions that coincide here next week, unless by then his astrological planets get oriented in a different direction and he get hit by a meteor as a result of it.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Affairs

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political horse traders,

In spite of a very busy schedule with parliamentary candidates queuing up to seek his support and blessings, Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his time for you. Do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, will you get involved in resolving marital problems too?

[A] Guruji - Son, since marital affairs are mostly material affairs, Guruji usually don’t get involved. However at times he do get involved in resolving marital problems, but it depends on the nature of the problem, especially it's sex appeal.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I'm a candidate for the forthcoming parliamentary elections. Opinion polls show that I have only a 50-50 chance to win. What will be a good yagam/yagya that I can do to improve my chances?

[A] Guruji - Son, Gandhiji-aayana yagam will be good for you. To perform this special yagya, you must first distribute as much Gandhiji (picture) imprinted artifacts as possible among your voters, but on one condition - that those artifacts are of such value that your voters will have no  hesitation to sell their souls to you in return. Also you must ensure that for every such distributed Gandhiji-artifact, you send an equal number to your spiritual guru's - in this case Guruji's - ashram as well, to get full returns for your investme...he mean prayers and chanting.

[Q] Anonymous asks - ..Guruji, for last Gandhi-jayanti we have made a bunch of plastic lockets imprinted with Gandhiji's picture for distribution among school kids but couldn't do so. Will they do?

[A] Guruji - Son, with this gem of an un-evolved primate brain, your are already overqualified to be a parliamentarian. Nevertheless,  Guruji would like to remind you that such an exercise will be as wasteful as trying to brush your teeth with your own intestinal waste. No voter - even the ones who are so wretched that they have to choose you - will ever trade their souls for a 10 Rupee locket. So, do as Guruji has advised, you have his blessings.

[Q] Urmila asks - Your Holiness, I followed your advice and started loving and helping my neighbours. It all went well till now, but now none of them are ready to own the fatherhood of my newborn baby. Please help me.

[A] Guruji - Dear Urmila, he cannot help you here for two reasons - firstly because Guruji is a spiritual leader and is enlightened enough to be creative without running the risk of procreation. Secondly he was never your neighbour.

[Q] Deepa asks - Guruji, political parties are mudslinging each other so badly that I cannot make out who is good, who is bad. So I’m not able to take a firm decision whom to vote in this election. Can you please advise?

[A] Guruji - Dear Deepa, hundreds of young devotees like you are asking this question to Guruji every day. However being a spiritual Guru, he cannot take up sides and recommend you one party over another here, as for him all are equal - in terms of their donations to the ashram that is. However, make sure that you vote for a candidate who seek vote based on caste/religion, as only they can lead us to 22nd century(B.C he mean).

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as the political aspirants bee-lining at his backyard are creating a law and order situation and he got to give them darshan, otherwise they will bee-sting his back. He will meet you at same place, same time next week unless he gets elected to the heavens by then.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Astrology

Ladies, gentlemen and lawmakers-come-breakers,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your doubts and concerns. Please note that this is election season and many candidates would want Guruji to predict their future. We have setup a new direct channel (not to mention exclusively) for them at the ashram where you could directly know your political fortune from Guruji’s parrot.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, none of you astrologers could predict the recent disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines plane, nor could you predict where it can be found. Isn’t it just proof that astrology is a fraud?

[A] Guruji - Son, blaming astrology for missing aircraft is like blaming Shahrukh Khan for your lemur-looks. Here you should be blaming airline authorities who neither employ nor consult us astrologers before their planes take-off. Had this been done, they would have averted this and many other disasters, especially if they had better planes and pilots. People must know that we astrologers cannot predict anything and everything for free, which will make our future highly unpredictable.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, the earth is becoming hotter and hotter year after year. Is it human activities causing this as some people claim? Do you think this will lead us to our end one day and if so by when will that happen?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, you are right. The earth is becoming hotter, as proven by the air-conditioner sales numbers and Bollywood item numbers released year after year. This is partially due to human activities like  industrial pollution, cattle flatulence and election speeches. However, mother nature also plays her role in this, though she is doing this for a much nobler cause - to smoke humans out of here so that the rest of the life forms on this planet get their fair share too. Guruji however will not mention the exact date by when we will meet our end here, as it will make people panic and anarchy will prevail , aam-aadmi will rule if he does so.

[Q] John asks - Guruji, why is that anything healthy is not tasty and vice versa for us humans while every other creature can relish on what they like, yet don’t die of heart attacks? Is it because there is no god there and some bad-a$$ sadist created us humans?

[A] Guruji - John son, it is not fair to blame the heavens for your wife’s poor cooking skills in the first place. You may blame it for her lack of common sense in choosing the right life-partner though. On the face of it, healthy food may taste bad, but if you add a bit of mayonnaise or barbecue sauce over it, the taste will improve, do try. So the secret of having healthy-yet-tasty food is not in it’s ingredients, but in the toppings we must realize.

[Q] Ruchi asks - Guruji, you had been giving us darshan on every weekend, now we see that most of the weekends you are not doing so and you are giving darshans on randomly chosen week days. Why is this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, Guruji gives darshan to his disciples when their souls are in dire need of him. These days most of his disciples who are urban rich (who call themselves middle-class due to their pseudo-humility) spend their weekends mall-hopping during which they keep their souls in Lucifer’s cloakroom and are in no need of Guruji. Weekdays on the other hand they are frustrated with work pressure, traffic tussles and prime time news and are badly in need of Guruji's sermons. Hence the changed darshan timings.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave as he has many potential lawmakers knocking his ashram doors for darshan and are creating lawlessness in his yard in that process. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless his parrot demands a vacation and Guruji has to fill-in for him during the election season.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Karma

Ladies, gentlemen and the estates of the realm,

Guruji is back, (without a vengeance though) after a long and holy mission(of which he will disclose more below), he will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Mr. M asks -  Guruji, I am a Bollywood film maker who recently got into trouble by naming a movie after some mythological figures that earned me the wrath of religious groups and courts. I’m now making my next movie and is planning to name it “Vastraksheep” as that is the central theme of the movie (In fact for most of my successful movies this is the main theme). Do you foresee any issues with that name, if so what is a suitable alternate name you can suggest me?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly you did the right thing by approaching Guruji before proceeding any further with this title which would have got you into trouble. Guruji must tell you that people(not to mention innocent and pious) can come to watch this movie of yours with an expectation that it is related to Vastrakshepas(disrobing) that happened in puranas and ultimately get their religious sentiments hurt/dribbled out. They would have then taken you to court who definitely will stand by people and not by logic. Guruji did some numerological calculations and came up with an auspicious alternate title which is both safe and contextually aligned to your story. He advises you to title your movie “Choli Ke Peeche Kya Hai” . Your name my son will go down in history as the director of CKPKH, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Kamla asks - Guruji, you mentioned somewhere that every creature has a right to exist in this world and has its own karma associated. I think this is wrong, for example what is a mosquito's karma?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamla, mosquito is a creature with a multitude of karma associated, touching all our lives in many ways, be it business, entertainment or sports. It sustains the multi-crore repellent industry, was the single reason behind Hollywood blockbusters like Jurassic Park. Also, have you ever thought why Indians are excelling in badminton lately? It’s because we are getting our kids trained from childhood on Chinese made mosquito bats. So dear, there is a defined karma for every living organism.

[Q] Jai asks - Guruji, more women are found smoking in urban India these days. I think it is against our culture, values and tradition. Isn’t it so?

[A] Guruji - Son, you are absolutely right, these women are damaging our values and culture. Especially if they are not throwing the butts(of the cigarette he mean, not theirs as you innocent disciples might think) to the street and causing at least a minor fire after every smoke, they indeed are doing something that is absolutely against our culture and values. To keep up with our traditions, they should instead chew “paan” and spit it on the walls.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, why do women look better than they are in real life in their social networking profile photos while men look worse than they are in the same ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is mainly because of two reasons - Firstly, women are biologically wired to know when to make up and how, while men are also wired to do the same, but weird enough not to do so. Secondly, you are looking at those pictures through a man’s perception, hence feels so. Wear a pair of female eyeballs and see, your observation may reverse.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, you were not in the ashram for a while and haven’t given us darshan for many weeks. Were you on some pilgrimage or on a holy mission?

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, he was not in the ashram and his travel mainly was a holy mission, but can also be said to be a pilgrimage as it was for a noble cause. He was on a mission to capture and neutralize a disciple of his who turned hostile and published a book on her days at the ashram. As a true spiritual leader and protector of our traditions and values, it was Guruji’s karma to track her and the copies her book down before it overtook Kamasutra in sales.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave you all. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless more dissident disciples start publishing books.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Harassment

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cricket Board Governors,

Guruji is here with you, giving you a special darshan on a Monday as he will be a travelling on all weekends during the rest of his life and may not be able to converse with you all anymore on weekends.

[Q] Yogesh asks - Guruji, Valentine's day is coming up. What is the best way to celebrate it?

[A] Guruji - Son, Valentines day is a day to express your love, compassion and warmth to your dear and near. However Guruji would remind you that blindly following Western culture is not the right way to celebrate an occasion like this. Instead one must use it as an opportunity to demonstrate his love and warmth towards our culture and values too. Hence Guruji’s advice to you is to celebrate it responsibly by vandalising shops, attacking people and running rampages through the city as the true son of a..traditional and value-rich mother.

[Q] Inder asks - Guruji, I hails from a small(in terms of outlook, not size) island nation. We are soon going for our general elections to elect a president. Our choice is between electing someone with white beard or  black beard, who should we choose?

[A] Guruji - Son, beard traditionally is an indication of three things - 1) wisdom  2) lunatism or 3) hormonal imbalance if it is a woman. In your case since we are talking about national leadership, Guruji assumes that the first one can be ruled out as a criteria. Third one is a physical, curable thing and can be ignored as well. That leaves you with the second aspect which most of the time is the single factor we humans must consider when selecting another human - be it as a life-partner, president or car driver. Guruji advises your country to weigh the candidates on this aspect and choose the right one accordingly. However his personal advice to you as a disciple is to - Get the heaven out of that country at the earliest, because if we have to choose national leadership based on beard color,  that place sure is going to be doomed.

[Q] Mr.G asks - Guruji, we have appointed an Indian born person as the CEO of our global technology company recently. We had been struggling to keep up with our competition for a while, do you see this appointment will help us beat our competition?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son, your new CEO has mentioned that he learned teamwork from Cricket. Guruji assure that you can bet on him.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I am a disciple of yours and has been a successful Bollywood heroine for few years now. But lately younger girls are getting more attention and because of this I am suffering from some sort of anxiety syndrome for a while and is constantly worried about my future. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Anonymous dear, there is no reason for you to panic here, one must be prepared to take success and failure equally to lead a fruitful life. Moreover, Guruji foresee that you have a long and successful career ahead and opportunities will come your way in many forms - such as nappies, milk powders, noodles, baby soaps, toothpicks etc. Endorse them and success will follow you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I recently completed my studies and started working . A co-worker tells me that if any of my male colleagues comment on my clothing or appearance, it amounts to sexual harassment and I must bring it to the notice of authorities. But I feel she is wrong and its a bit too harsh to take it that way. Am I right or she is right?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, both of you are right and both of you are wrong too. In behavioural science, when someone compliments you for your belongings, it usually indicates their desire to have the same thing. Hence if the compliment from a male colleague is on your outer clothing such as “Hey this yellow trouser of yours is superb! where did you buy it” etc , you can safely exclude it from sexual harassment as he is a harmless cross-dresser who desire to have the same clothing(btw, same is the reason why books like “7 Habits of Highly Successful Yet Moronic People” get sold like hot cakes). However if the comment is on you appearance, such as “Hey that T-shirt of yours looks tight, someone can get hurt with those sharp edges, watch out” etc, his intentions and thoughts sure are evil and it amounts to harassment.

Alright children, time for Guruji to leave as he has a darshan coming up with his carpentry contractor and has to mentally and physically prepare for the same.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Socialism

Ladies, Gentlemen and mango-men,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, please get started with your queries and worries,

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, Socialism or Capitalism - which is good for the welfare of human society in the long run ?

[A] Guruji - Son, these economic systems differ fundamentally on how wealth is distributed in the society. Wealth as in your hard-earned, half-axed monthly income and not the wealth that your employers and political masters have tucked away in tax havens. In a capitalist system, the distribution of wealth is called "direct distribution", where all your suppliers and debtors line up and grab your wealth at the end of the month directly from you. But in a socialist system, the wealth distribution is the duty of state to ensure that there is no inequality in the distribution. Here the state fetches and distributes your wealth equally among all the needy and poor such as the lazy-unemployed, the white-elephant staffers, the bankrupt corporations etc. For you as an individual, ultimately both are good systems as both aims at the welfare of society by ensuring that your bank account is emptied by month end so that you are inspired to keep working towards the next month’s bed and breakfast.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, your disciples sometime ago conducted nation-wide monkey jumping events collecting money to create a life-size statue of yours that they claimed can save the country from all the evil spirits that cast eyes on our country, due to which we are still a lot poorer compared to the rest of the world. Has the statue been erected and has it started drawing results ?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son, the said erection has happened, you may see a snapshot of it HERE. On results - yes, it has earned the noble souls who collected the donations a good fortune that each of them now drives a Fortuner.

[Q] Mrs.Lata asks - Guruji, this is about my teenage daughter. She is addicted to Facebook and spends all her time on it. She is glued on to her computer screen interacting with her Facebook friends on all her non-school hours. Her father and I tried various ways including physical punishment to get her out of this habit, but with no results.I am worried about my daughter’s future, how can I persuade her to come out of it and focus on her studies?

[A]  Guruji - Dear Mrs.Lata, trying to dissuade today’s teenagers from using social networking through physical punishment is like trying to convert a hyena vegetarian by force-feeding it sambar-rice. You must use a more pragmatic approach here. One option is to encourage them to move to Google+ as their social networking platform. You can persuade them to do so by educating them that Facebook is secretive and hence evil and can trade their souls, while one cannot hide anything from Google anyway and it already has a copy of your soul all the time. Once they start using Google+, they will soon give up trying to understand it, and will start hating social networking altogether. Then enroll them for Guitar or Football classes depending on which will potentially keep your drawing room intact in the long run, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Kavya asks - Guruji, I’m a highschool student. My parents think social networking is evil and always behind me to stop it whenever I’m on Facebook. My mother had even beaten me on couple occasions on this. I want to make them understand how important my Facebook is for me. How should I go about?

[A] Guruji - Kavya dear, Guruji has been living in this world for many centuries and he can tell you that it’s very hard for people of any generation to make their parents understand what’s cool for their generation. Any attempt to argue with your parents on this will be an exercise as as futile as trying to feed a hyena with Margherita pizza to turn it vegan. The best thing for you to do is demonstrate them how harmless, interactive, informative and recreative social networking is. For this, create Facebook accounts for your mom and dad, help them connect with their high school, college crushes, you have Guruji’s assurance that they will no longer pester you on this topic. However, make sure you connect both mom and dad on it. Else suspicion, jealousy etc can happen between them, making your home so parliamentary that paramilitary forces have to be called in to bring back peace.

Ok children, time for Guruji to retire to his meditation chamber, he will meet you here again next week unless he gets to do something better by then.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Social Networking

Ladies, Gentlemen and Twitterati,

His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj has arrived on the (equally long) darshan-dais and will hear your grievances now. Do get started.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am a 24 year old business executive who is heavily into social networking from my college days. But my current girlfriend suspects that I do this mainly to woo other girls and she wants me to unfriend all my female social network friends, else she will 'expose' me. Isn't it unethical for ones own girlfriend to expose him? What should I do now?

[A] Guruji -  Son, it indeed is unethical for any current girlfriends to expose a man in front of his future ones, especially if there are things about him that when 'exposed' can look mean to those futures. In that case you must unfriend, unfollow and whatever other social un-networking you can do to your current and start following, friending and fuc..

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Your Holiness, we are into spirituality!

[A] Guruji - [..shaant ho ja Editor Bete, we still are]..fuchting your future ones.

[Q] Anonymous and Guruji’s Blog Editor jointly asks - Guruji, what does “fuchting” mean?

[A] Guruji - It is a term used in social networking to indicate one’s intense desire to get networked with a certain other person.

[Q] Anonymous asks  - Guruji, I have been in the social networking world even before my parents were born,  but I never heard such a word before?

[A] Guruji - Guruji would like to ask you since when have you heard the word “social networking world” itself anyway. You sure are born before your parents, but must remember that Guruji sees future, so stop worrying about the word and start practicing it, the word will find its way in, Guruji assure you.

[Q] Sooraj asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about Aam-aadmi party?

[A] Guruji - Son, a true spiritual guru ought to stay away from politicking, partying and similar material subjects unless it give him material pleasures and hence Guruji won’t comment on this topic. However, he would like to remind you that Aams are seasonal fruits, and artificially ripened ones sold in the city markets are toxic too.

[Q] Laxmi asks - Guruji, I hear that airlines and aviation authorities all over the world are planning to lift the ban on using mobile phones in-flight. Will it have any adverse impact on air travelers?

[A] Guruji - No dear, it will not, provided you take the right safety measures. Guruji’s ashram has started supplying wearable spiritual ornaments such as his Blessed De-demonizer earplugs which will protect air passengers by casting out mobile-daemons or mombies that may attack them taking advantage of this policy change. Mombies  by the way are evil spirits that are loudspeakers permanently plugged into cellphones and have the power to trade your soul by sitting next to you in public places and passenger carriers.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I’m a 30 year old computer software professional, now on the lookout for a suitable bride. I am looking for one who is “traditional, but with a modern outlook”. Where should I start my search?

[A] Guruji - At Hindustan Motors - an Ambassador with power-steering will suite your definition.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to leave, as he has a special darshan to give to scientists from a space research organization who are seeking his advice on the next suitable muhurta they can send taxpayers money to the moon. He will meet you same time, same place again unless Lady-fate has other plans for him.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Forgiveness

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors,

Guruji had been on mission to recover and rehabilitate a large number of destitutes who were kept at a distance by the mainstream society for a long time for their lack of grey matter content in brain. Guruji’s efforts has been focused on giving them a new life by empowering them to acquire some human skills that will enable them to lead normal life. Here he is for you, just returned from his mission to the Big Boss House. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Miss.K asks - Guruji, I started my career with a leading advertising company six months back. A senior male colleague often tries to take undue advantage of me by purposely patting on my shoulders or cheeks on the pretext of appreciating my work. I hate him and often think of taking revenge on him by some or other means. How should I deal with this situation ?

[A] Guruji - Dear K, as Guruji mentioned in this forum multiple times, hatred and vengeance are no solution to any problems. One must practice forgiveness and remission because only by forgiving that you can educate such sinners to become better human beings. Guruji would advise you to pardon your colleague for his misdeeds and next time when this happens, you must also pat him back on his cheeks instead as a truly good-hearted person. Make sure that your patting goes at a rate of 4000 newtons force that he needs a couple of molar replacements but. He will behave well thereafter with your this display of forbearance Guruji assure you.

[Q] Uma asks - Guruji, it’s been a very long time since we humans originated and by now we have somewhat mastered the art of procreation, mate selection tactics and stuff like that. Yet a lot of research reports come out every year with something even our primate forefathers new such as “Study proves women find armpit smelling men less attractive", "Survey shows men prefer women with bigger boo..”

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Sorry to intervene.. this is a spiritual forum..

[Q] Uma - I was to say boot-heels. Guruji, my question is - why people are still interested in such researches ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Uma, there is nothing wrong in such researches. Say we humans have been eating chicken for thousands of years now, both raw and cooked. Yet when a new fried-chicken restaurant opens, you throng there, though it still will be the same old chicken in a new packet. And none of these restaurants have gone out of business for the reason that chicken is tasting the same from pre-historic times. Because flesh businesses always has a market, then,now and in future.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in your opinion, will the Aam Aadmi party victory in Delhi have far reaching impacts in the Indian political spectrum?

[A] Guruji - There is a short answer and a long answer to this question. The short answer is “Yes” and the long answer is “No”.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness, I am taking up a pilgrimage to all the major religious shrines in the country. What are the most important things one should carry along while on such a pilgrimage that can make the journey more fruitful ?

[A] Guruji - Garbage bags.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, I recently visited a religious shrine in South India where they insisted I take off my shirt before entering the premises. The same place also doesn’t allow women wearing jeans to enter as well. Why such barbaric rules and regulations still prevail in our society ?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must realize that every religious ritual has it’s own symbolism associated and you must not take it in it’s literal sense. For example, when you light a candle or lamp in a shrine, you are symbolically burning the bottoms of all evil spirits around you such as rakshasas, yakshis, reality-show producers etc. The ritual of removing your shirt symbolically reminds you of the importance of humility in one’s life. Because, only when you come across such pre-historic practices will you realize that we humans have not all that evolved from primates. That realization - that you still are a monkey with a smartphone  - will help you stay humble in life.

[Q] Karthik asks - Guruji, I am a university student, I was forced by my parents to study science while I wasn’t interested in that subject. I want to be a movie actor like my celluloid heroes and wants to work towards that. Under these circumstances, I’m sure going to be a dropout from college soon. Can you please predict what will be my future?

[A] Guruji - Son, under these circumstances no prediction is possible on your future, as predicting something thats not going to be there is impossible.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, should I feel happy about receiving an automated “New Year Greetings”? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Yes, you should feel good about it because if you are reading it that implies you are not brain-dead unlike the sender.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I was a leading editor-in-chief and a political think-tank of my country till recently when I was caught and put in jail for misbehaving with women. I repent it now and would like to come out as a good human being. What is your advice for me ?

[A] Guruji - Son Think-tank, start using your brain instead of your sperm-tank to think, you will do better in life.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, he will converse with you sometime in future, though he cannot commit when as he is taking up a long journey in search of truth, of which he knows nothing right now when/where will it end, as he is going to the transport department office to have his driving license renewed - without paying bribe.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Mobility

Ladies, Gentlemen and national media,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, pray get started with your queries.

[Q] Mr. X asks - Guruji, I will be  retiring from service soon. What kind of a neighbourhood I should choose to spend my retirement life, also what are some of the yoga techniques that I can practice that will keep me mentally and physically fit in my retirement life?

[A] Guruji - Son X, a happy retirement life depends on many facts, an important one being an un-retired spouse and the population density of the neighborhood you choose to live - density of womanhood in that neighbourhood he mean. On yoga techniques, a retiree must choose one that is easy to practice and relaxing. Guruji's patented 'samachar-kriya' can be very effective. To practice this yoga technique, place a chair in your veranda facing an open, airy space such as a road. Take a newspaper and holding it as a shield, move your eyes and neck briskly so that you can observe what’s called in urban male lingo as 'colour movements' around you. Continue this kriya every day, your retirement life will become more relaxing and exciting. However as with any other yoga techniques,  practicing this kriya for a long time can cause damages to body parts, especially when the neighborhood’s brotherhood comes to know about it. Hence do not practice the same kriya continuously, instead periodically switch to other spiritual methods such as meditation and bar-hopping.

[Q] Shikha asks - Your Holiness, I am a graduate student. I would like to know whether there are any yoga techniques that can help me concentrate more on my studies.

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, focus and concentration is the most important thing for a young student like you and that is exactly what yoga promises as well; apart from broken necks, ribs etc that is. You can practice Guruji’s famous ‘bhataknasana’ yoga. And always remember to wear something yoga-friendly. Kidney-exposing tight-fits will be the most convenient ones - for your spectators he mean. Now to practice bhataknasana that improve concentration, sit down in vajrasana facing a deep water source like a pond or lake as water is one of the 3 key elements of life - apart from internet and tv - relax and close your eyes. Take a deep breath to increase your blood circulation and throw that bootless smartphone of yours into that pond and briskly walk away. Now you can concentrate on your studies well.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, there was news that you were strip-searched at airport security in a western country. There are a lot of modern-day scanning and detecting technology available, yet in some countries they strip-search and humiliate people. Isn't it wrong and unethical to do so ?

[A] Guruji  - Son Saleem, it would have been wrong and unethical had we not discovered recently that we(at least some of 'us') evolved from pigs and chimps.Those genes and traits are still residual in few people and they come out with such wildly laws and policies and find pleasure in implementing them in the most harassing manner. We cannot consider those acts unethical as ethics are applicable neither to pigs nor chimps.

[Q] Mrs Sharma asks - Guruji, my daughter is getting married and soon she will be member of a new family. What are some of the important things I must advise my daughter take care so that she remain untroubled at her in-law’s?

[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.Sharma, most important thing for a girl moving into her in-laws is that she must try to understand and respect the person or persons who she is going to spend maximum time with. In your daughter's case Guruji understands with his inner vision that her husband is the breadwinner and hence won't be the one she’s going to spend a lot of time with, instead it will be her mobile phone. Guruji’s advice to you is to advise her to buy a low radiation one so that she won’t end-up in premature death from brain tumour.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he wish you all a very happy, prosperous, spiritual and politically eventful new year. Guruji will meet you same time, same place next year again, unless you end up in jail for manslaughter  and negligent driving on the new year’s night and Guruji end up in heaven for coming on your way that night.