Friday, January 15, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Asstrology

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors!

Guruji has been in deep meditation for many decades to acquire advanced knowledge in astrology. He has been enlightened by the heavens on many dimensions of astrology hitherto unknown to humanity that he will now practice for the betterment of society and it will be called “Asstrology” hereafter. In today’s special darshan, Guruji will provide asstrological advice to you all on your personal and professional problems. Do keep the following vital information ready - the subject’s date and time of birth, birth-place, mother’s maiden name and credit card details and start your questions.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, how does one’s mother’s maiden name and credit card details influence her/his future?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, there are many facets of cosmic influences on human life that Guruji has discovered and developed in Asstrology. With these two factors an enlightened one like Guruji can give a lot of insight into a person’s life, unlike the birth date-time that can only help predicting their age. Especially a lot of insight can be made into her bank account with that information and hence they are vital to predict one's future as well.

[Q] Sudhakar asks - Guruji, my son was born on 8th of January, 1990 around 6.30 PM in Chennai. Can you please tell me when should he marry, what kind of a girl should we look for him ?

[A] Guruji - Son Saudagar, your son’s birth chart shows Ketu in 1st house, Mangala in 5th house and more importantly the 3rd house has a college going girl he is after. This is not at all a suitable time for him to get married as Shukra is in the 7th house, in the form of the currently minor girl’s kickboxer brother. Hence Guruji advises him to wait for a planetary alignment such that Shukra moves out of 7th house.

[Q] Mr.X asks - Guruji, I am a popular film actor in my part of the world, I have been asked by the government to be the brand ambassador of the country’s tourism initiatives. Is it a good time to pick this up?

[A] Guruji - Son X, Guruji analysed your horoscope, you have Ketu in 11th house, Rahu in 5th house, and a relatively crowded 6th house with nearly every other planet in the solar system which means you are going through astrologically dirty waters currently. Also brand ambassadorship is a double edged closet, means it can spill your own filth on to you if things go wrong. Guruji advises you to advise your government to stop running behind movie actors as a one stop solution to all its publicity needs.

[Q] Mr. Y asks - Your Holiness, you have special powers to help the needy and poor brand ambassadors I understand. I am a famous sports personality in my part of the world and take up brand ambassadorship for virtually anything that comes my way and got into trouble recently when I was portrayed as a godly avatar of branding. Have I done anything wrong?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing wrong in being a brand ambassador god as gods themselves are nobody but brand ambassadors of their respective cults. In other words, brand ambassadors are to brands as gods are to religions - mute mascots. So continue to do your ambassadorial karma and pocket the millions while your stars are shining. Keep your lawyers and political friends happy, things will be fine, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, a comedian recently got arrested for mimicking a spiritual leader. In the wake of this, what is your advice to comedians ?

[A] Guruji - Son Max, cannibalism is not suitable for primate species, hence Guruji urges comedians and clowns to stop mimicking each other to make a living.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now as the space scientists in his part of the world are waiting outside to seek his aastrological advice before launching their new satellite. He will meet you soon, unless he gets arrested for mimicking primatel expressions and thereby hurting the feelings of apeophiles.

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