Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Guruji Speaks - WTF

Ladies and Gentle horses,

Guruji will now address you all, do get started.

[Q] RVG asks - Guruji, I am a movie maker in my part of the world. We usually copy successful formulas and trends from Hollywood and create local blockbusters, adding local cultural context such as item-numbers. Now the trend there is super-hero duets. I would like to make one on those lines. Could you please recommend me a numerologically auspicious name for this movie ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly movie makers in your part of the world asking advice from spiritual gurus is like flu-viruses seeking inspiration from cancer cells.Nevertheless, Guruji advises you to title it “Shaktiman vs Batty-man” in alignment with your present social context.

[Q] MRK asks - Guruji, I am a lawmaker in my part of the world. Recently we coined a new slogan “Hail Goddesses Motherland” to pay homage to our motherland. But many of our citizens are refusing to chant the same saying they don’t visualize motherland as a goddesses. Doesn’t it clearly amount to sedition ? Shouldn’t such people be expelled from the country or put in jail ?

[A] Guruji - Son, while personifying your motherland as a goddesses / mermaid / pole-dancer is creative, trying to enforce that image on others is philosophically palaeolithic. Even worse if you have emigrated and naturalized the said golden goddesses (along with her pet cat) from her colonial avatar. If your objective is to pay homage to your motherland, Guruji advises you to stop spitting on her and stop stealing from her hard-earned tax money.

[Q] Kishan asks - Guruji, I am a university student. Lately there is some civil unrest in my part of the world that is some way or other connected to campus politics. Is student-politics good for our future ?

[A] Guruji - Son, in a society such as yours where adult politics itself is in a mucky, monkey state, students politicking around will be like crapping into an unflushed closet - adding more filth, more stink. Guruji’s advice to all of you in the universities is to aim for securing a brighter future and direct your time and resources on activities towards that - such as getting wacky haircuts done or watching Bollywood item numbers.

[Q] Kamala asks - Guruji, it is about my college going son, he has no interest in his academics, he is only interested in getting weird hair-styles done and watching 3rd class movies, influenced by some leech-brained loser who advises him. As parent, I would like to find out what his talents are and guide him to choose a career accordingly. Can you please advise how to go about ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamala, the best way to know where your son’s talent lies is to follow his lies. If he lies a lot about the past, he will become a historian. If he is lying about the present, he will become a good salesman. If he lies about future, he will become a political leader. If he lies in all three tenses, chances are that he will become a spiritual guru.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, this is an era where spiritual gurus are doing brand building through advertising campaigns or global meets. Why do we not see any such activities from your holy bottom ? Isn’t it important for the rest of the world to learn about your revolutionary spiritual practices and snake oil medicines?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, you are right. Towards this Guruji’s ashram will be hosting the first ever “World Torturing Forum”(WTF) this summer, for promoting peace and communal harmony. In this event, different kinds of cultural activities from around the world such as mudslinging, honor-killing, head chopping, TV news debates, Bollywood item-dances etc will be showcased to build awareness on torturing among people.

[Q] Meera asks - This is great to know, when and where will the WTF be organized?

[A] Guruji - Dear, the biggest challenge with organizing something of this size is the funding and infrastructure. The ashram is waiting to secure a few escapable bank loans and encroachable river banks for hosting WTF. Once they are ready, the dates will be officially announced through our key sponsors such as environmental agencies and mental asylums.

[Q] Asma asks - Guruji, unprecedented levels of divisive  propaganda being spread around the world these days and people have no hesitation to kill even innocent children - in the name of faith, politics, geographic boundaries and what not. Why are we in this state today? Who are responsible for all these ? Is it the religions, the politicians, or technology or something else?

[A] Guruji - Dear Asma, you are right, humanity is going through one of its toughest times ever. There is only one person to blame for this - the dumb-witted mother nature. She should have known the consequences of giving limited intelligence to a savage monkey species and expecting them to take care of this planet.

Children, Guruji has to take leave now to attend to few of his disciples who are waiting for darshan in the form of his unwashed laundry. Your concerns and queries shall be addressed by him another time, another place and may be in another life.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Women’s Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Nation-builders,

Guruji has arrived and placed his holy bottom on the dais, do get started with your concerns and concoctions.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, do we really need to celebrate a special women's day?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is unfortunate that you are asking such a question, it only indicates the male-chauvinistic traits that some of us men possess even in 21st century. We definitely need a day to recognize, regard and reward our women, otherwise history will not be kind on us, we will be labelled a generation that didn’t sell women’s accessories.

[Q] Judi asks - Guruji, many a priest in my religion conduct faith healing sessions. Is there in any truth in faith healing?

[A] Guruji - Of course dear, Guruji himself had been a faith-healer in his previous avatar. The truth about faith healing is that such faith is a condition that needs healing.

[Q] Mitun asks - Guruji, I'm getting married soon, I would like to know what is the best way to keep my marriage successful, without arguments or fights ?

[A] Guruji - Son, marital matters are better addressed by materialists or martial arts experts than monks. However he will tell you this much that conflicts are inexorable in any marriage, unless it is between your smartphone and it's charger. The key to have a successful marriage is not about having no fights, but about winning it. If you win, your marriage lose and vice versa.

[Q] Anonymous Journalist asks - Guruji, some people say that around 70% of people in rural parts of my country have no toilets. Isn't this worrisome, that the governments are doing nothing about it?

[A] Guruji - Dear AJ, it is not the job of the government to peep into people's bottoms and find where are they defecating. Governments got other important things to do for it's needy and poor watch, suite and suite-case sponsors. Also, one must know that it is a very good thing that your population is defecating in public, as that is the proof that there is no poverty in your welfare state. If they poop, they ate. 

[Q] Sameer asks - Guruji, why do some people believe that god wants to eliminate people belonging to other faiths ? Don’t they have common sense to understand that if god is god, he could do it himself and need not appoint third party rectums for it ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is afraid you are the one having lack of common sense here to ask such a question. If god was god, he/she wouldn't have allowed procreation of such rectums is more commonsensical an argument.

[Q] Guruji, I belong to a society that was under foreign rule for last few centuries. Now we are determined to regain our past glory. What is your advice for us, where do we start ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is a noble thought indeed, to regain you past glory. Guruji would advise you to not try to regain just the glory of few hundred years but to go back further and try to regain the tail that you lost in the great battle of evolution. Also, before the said few centuries, your very forefathers used to kill each other and rape your fore-mothers and fore-sisters in the name of territorial ownership, try to regain that glory as well on your way back, you have Guruji's blessings.

Ok children, Guruji got to take leave now. He shall meet you same place, same time next month - unless his holy bottom gets stung by anti-national ants or their nationalist-aunts by then.