Saturday, July 12, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Ethics

Men, women, children and others,

Guruji has returned to the material universe  once again to hear from you all and to enlighten you all. He has arrived on the dais and you may now get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, you are a proponent of tall statues as a one-stop solution to all our problems and perils. Now that the government has set aside a ton of money in the new budget to construct one, will that make you happy ?

[A] Guruji - Absolutely my son, no erection had ever made Guruji so happy as this one after Pharaoh Khafra told him in 2602 B.C about his plans to build The Sphinx. Guruji foresee that this peerless statue will become a huge morale booster to a nation with 70% of it's population waking up in the morning with nothing to poo out. 

[Q] Namita asks - Guruji, I’m a college student, all my friends are now having beautiful tattoos done on their skin, hence I too want to have one done. But my mother says tattoos are a sign of  moral laxity and I am not allowed to get one done. How can a drawing of a butterfly or a flower on the skin make one immoral?

[A] Guruji - Dear Namita, drawing a tattoo on your skin will never make you an immoral person, unless that skin is thereafter used for malicious purposes such as hooking/hustling or more sinful activities like performing Bollywood item numbers that titillate kaamdev-in-waitings to harass poor girls on the road  for the crime of belonging to the same gender. So go ahead and get it done if your conscience is clear is Guruji’s advice to you. Also with his sixth sense Guruji foresee your next question and will answer that too here - It is best drawn on the exposable fringes of an unexposable body part to get maximum exposure.

[Q] A concerned mother asks - Your Holiness, I’m deeply concerned about my college-going daughter. My worry is about her friends circle. She is under peer pressure to get some tattoos done on her body. According to her it will make her look more ‘cooler’. I’m worried whether my daughter is growing up as an inconsiderate, self-centered, irresponsible person with all this?

[A] Guruji - Dear concerned mother, your concerns are valid, evil aspects of modern life like skin tattoos can spoil our next generation as the tattooed skins are widely used for malicious purposes like Bollywood item numbers and even worse - in cosmetic advertisements. As a parent, you must do everything possible to stop kids being trapped into these things. The best way to stop your daughter from getting that evil tattoo done is to have you get one done yourself; because for kids, something that their parents have will no more be attractive and 'cool'. And if it’s something more cooler and radical compared to the butterfly that your daughter may be planning to carve on her skin, like a wine glass with a serpent around, a topless mermaid, or even a Justin Bieber portrait, you have Guruji’s assurance that not only your daughter, but nobody in your next three generations will ever talk about the subject of tattoos thereafter.

[Q] Smitha asks - Your Holiness, if people elect a leader with an overwhelming majority and if that leader fails to deliver, should we blame the leader or the people who elected her/him ?

[A] Guruji - Neither. We should blame comic books. They created superheros that the said people read in their childhood which influenced them to make the said electoral decision.

[Q] Mr N asks -  I have a small business that is slowly picking up. I now need to appoint a trustworthy accountant. I've shortlisted  two candidates - one male and one female. Before a final decision , I would like to know whether men or women, who are more ethical in general.

[A] Guruji - Son, ethics is not a quality that is gender dependent - unlike self-discipline or cleanliness, where men win hands-down, especially when the women are away visiting their parents.  Now, to your question of trustworthiness - In General vampire bats are more ethical, as they have never tried to conceal with cosmetic creams the biological fact that they are bloodsuckers.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart, he shall meet you same place, same time next week, unless a constitutional amendment makes his existence illegal. 

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Emotional leakage

Ladies, Gentlemen and building contractors,

Guruji has arrived in the prayer hall and has placed his holy bottom on the dias, you may now get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Kumar asks -  Guruji, I’m about to get married and I am worried that the woman I’m planning to marry is wiser than I am and in future she will dominate me with her smartness. What should I do? Call off the wedding or go ahead and marry her?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji advises you to go ahead and marry without any worries because of two reasons. Firstly,  wise husbands, mermaids, tooth fairies are all fantasy figures existing only in folklore and you aiming to become one will be a futile exercise. Secondly, there is no danger in marrying a smarter woman because, in the history of humankind no wise woman had ever used her wisdom against her husband, except to convince him pay her apparel bills. You, your future spouse and the textile shop owners have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Brinda asks - Guruji, have we evolved from other creatures or are we created by god?

[A] Guruji - Dear Brinda, Guruji had answered this question on many occasions earlier too, we are not toilet-rolls  or political scams  to be "created" by somebody, we have evolved from lesser complicated life forms gradually.

[Q] Brinda asks -  ..but Guruji, what is the proof that we evolved from lesser intelligent life forms?

[A] Guruji - Don’t you watch Big Boss?

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, has social media really changed anything about our lives ? if so what is that change?

[A] Guruji  - Son, social media has contributed to humanity in many different ways. It is hard to point out any particular aspect that influenced us more than others. However, helping us make informed decisions is one of the biggest changes social media has brought in. Imagine your spouse of 20th century coming to know that you “LIKE”ed Mallika Sherawat ’s “TWEETS” or Pooja Bedi’s “BLOGS” last night. Had we not have social networking,  the above information would have caused her applying a pressure of 10 Chapati Rollers on your head instantly.

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] - We would like to clarify here that the “spouse of 20th century” mentioned by Guruji here is different from “20th Century Spouse”, a TV serial made by an Indian woman producer to prove the theory of evolution.  

[Q] Mr.A asks - Your Holiness, in my job I come across many irate customers and colleagues who I cannot shout back at. Now problem is I ended up yelling at my spouse or kids that evening to get myself some consolation. Am I right in doing so? If not what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, your condition is what behavioural scientists call “emotional leakage”. It is absolutely wrong to take your anger on your spouse or children as they are not responsible for your said condition. The best remedial measure for this is to go to a wide, open space such as a hilltop and yelp in all random directions for half an hour, you will feel alright after that. Now if the hilltop is not a possible option, your next best bet solution is to join national television as a prime-time news anchor.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all, may his blessings be with you. We shall meet at the same place, same time next week unless an ongoing epidemic like dengue fever or football world cup force him to be bedridden by then.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Gender equality

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is back from a long and enduring mission to save and rehabilitate a set of unfortunate souls that fell into the clutches of the evil and were becoming a threat to the existence of humanity itself; ladies and gentlemen, here he is, back from the IPL owner’s meeting. His holiness will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Neha asks - Guruji, most men are ready to spend hours washing and cleaning their cars and motorcycles but not ready to wash even a tablespoon or saucer at home. Why men behave in such an irrational fashion ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, one must understand that separation of duties between men and women is an important adaptation given by nature for survival and it should not be interpreted as irrational behaviour of one gender or other. In the beginning of humanity(by which he mean immediately after the humanity got married and moved into their new apartments), women were to keep the family tree growing by ensuring a hygienic environment for the offspring to grow up and thus developed the habit of cleaning their prehistoric pots, pottery and potty rooms all the time. Men(such as the prehistoric neighbourhood uncles and boys) on the other hand were to be fully equipped to set out on a hunt any time and were to keep their stones and sticks groomed all the time. Since humanity happen to go through the metal ages thereafter, instead of grooming stones and sticks or pottery, modern men and women groom their more equivalent metallic equipment, that is all.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your holiness, while in most other species males are more beautiful compared to females - say roosters and peacocks have their beautiful feathers, lions have manes, male elephants have their big,long..

[Guruji’s blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this is a spiritual forum..

[Q] Juhi asks - I was to say tusks. Why is it that in humans it is the other way, i.e females considered beautiful and not males ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, beautiful physical appearance is again an adaptation given to males of many species by mother nature to attract mates(Well, by being a female herself, she might have had other reasons too). Such an adaptation is not required for a human male because he can hardly win a mate by having a mane or colourful feathers. He may maximum become a pop star with such an adaptation.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you always ask us to stay positive and think positive. But is this possible? Say scientists are telling us that we have this ever looming threat of large celestial objects hitting our planet anytime, killing all of us. In such a scenario, how is it possible for one to think positive?

[A] Guruji - Son Ram, it definitely is possible to think positive no matter how adverse your conditions are if you think about the positive side of that condition. Say in the above mentioned situation, isn't it positive enough to think that if a meteor hit our heads, we no more have to watch Bollywood movies ?

[Q] Vinod asks -  Guruji, what is the one thing that differentiate us humans from other creatures? Is it our ability to think ?

[A] Guruji - No son, it is a misconception that we can think better than other species. Every creature has its own levels of thinking abilities. What makes us different is our ability to behave irrationally. No other creature has  this capability, they can only behave the way they are expected to.

Ok children, time for Guruji to part with you for now as he has to go on a long pilgrimage, before he become another victim of domestic cleanliness on this otherwise nice and sunny Saturday morning.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Mothers Day

Ladies, Gentlemen and Power-runners,

Guruji has arrived on the stage, he will now address our questions, queries and concerns,

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, I think this salutation of “spiritual leader” is a bit confusing, as it is not very clear what "spirits" are we talking about, whether as in bhoot or alcohol or even simple “sportsman spirit” like that of Ass-aaram Bapus? Can’t we have a better term to address  spiritual leaders?

[A] Guruji - Son, we are spiritual in all of the above dimensions you mentioned. However Guruji agree that it is high time we get a more "sexier" title, especially with the kind of interest we have on that topic, plus our increasing influence the corporate world. May be we can be called Chief Religious Officers or simply CROS hereafter.

[Q] Inder asks - Your Holiness, in my part of the world people prefer jaywalking on busy roads risking their life even if there is a zebra crossing or a traffic signal in the next 50 meters. Is it a problem of discipline or social upbringing ?

[A] Guruji - Son, with the kind of values and culture richness existing in your part of the world , Guruji will not attribute this behavior to social upbringing and discipline. Instead he will blame Mother Nature because she clearly hasn't done a good job of evolution in your part of the world it looks like and people still have few of the primate traits left in them that they are yet to learn that a two ton metal thing moving at 70 KMPH can turn their bottoms into bananas.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your Holiness,  scientists say “Men and women are chemically wired to think, do things differently”. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Dear Juhi, Guruji won't agree with that view, if it was “..chemically weird..”, he would have.

[Q] Meera asks - Guruji, why do people donate luxury articles like gold ornaments, cash etc to gods? Are the god really that flamboyant in their lifestyle that they enjoy these extravagant offerings and shower blessing on those who donate them?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meera, it is wrong to attribute  flamboyancy to gods firstly because it amounts to blasphemy and secondly because in reality they are poor people struggling to substantiate their own existence in the cosmos in fact. However the donations are vital to the sustenance of faith and religion, especially because the earthly apostles of heavens such as priests, godmen, cult leaders etc would have to lead an exemplary heavenly life to motivate us humans to live to earn it.

[Q]  Max asks - Guruji, of late, especially during this parliament election, we are seeing unprecedented levels of active involvement of religious leaders, spiritual gurus who take sides and send out messages of hatred, partisan-ism etc. Where do you think it will  all lead us to ?

[A] Guruji - This will all lead us to ultimately believe that they are right and we are wrong. 

[Q]  Miss D asks - Guruji, can you recommend me some mother's day gift ideas ?

[A] Guruji - Dear D, Guruji would like to remind you that this is a spiritual advisory forum and not one of your bogus, urban neo-middle class lifestyle websites. Go wash the vessels for her for few days instead is Guruji’s advice to you.

Ok children, time for Guruji to depart as he is starting on a pilgrimage to the mountains, to pray for the countries that are going to be under the clutches of power-hungry, ruthless politicos in future. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Guruji Speaks; Honestly

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji’s holy bottom has been placed on the dais, all of you have his seasons greetings for this mudslinging season, pray get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, is it true that Akshaya Tritiya is a day auspicious for buying gold? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Max, it indeed is the most auspicious day to buy jewelry. As per lunar calendar, it is the Tithi of Shukla Paksha in the month of Vaishakha or Baisakha or Boishakh depending on what you are chewing while saying it. In the past it was observed as a good day to start new ventures. In fact Veda Vyasa selected this day to start writing Mahabharata. But in modern India, the day has a slightly different significance. It is the day found suitable to trick people into buying their old stock at higher price by Smartass MallU Gold-merchants LEague or SMUGLE. Also there is a proposal by expert astrologers like Guruji to make every lunar day as Akshaya Tritiya for two reasons 1) Avoid stampede at jewelries 2) We are employed by the said league. Guruji has also done a Prashna and has come up with other auspicious days to buy chicken breasts, undergarments etc as well, for details you may contact his Ashram.

[Q]  Ruchi asks - Guruji, many people add “frankly speaking”, “honestly speaking” etc at times during their conversations. Does that mean they weren't all that frank or honest about whatever they said till then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, frankly speaking, you are right. Most people aren't that frank or honest about everything they say or do, which is why we are where we are today.

[Q] Miss R asks - Guruji, I have a male colleague who had been a very good friend all this while. But recently he proposed to me which I politely rejected. Now he is behind me pressing for a reason why I don’t want to marry him. I cannot disclose that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a moody mama-boy who is a cricket-stricken couch potato dork with a Bollywood item-girl as his desktop wallpaper. How do I politely put it across so that it doesn't hurt him, yet convey my decision clearly ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss R, this is a question Guruji gets very often, except that the desktop preferences change from person to person, and he recon he had answered it earlier as well. A straight rejection will lead a man to dejection, so you must never do that. Instead, you should indirectly put your point across very politely and respectfully so that he understands you. Here is what you can say - “Jackie, I’m not sure what to say, I'm so touched by you considering me for being your life partner! But deep down in my heart I feel that if I have any such high ambitions of causing the mutation of humanity from it’s current anthropological state, I would prefer marrying a rhesus monkey”. He will get your point, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, why do the government insists that bars and liquor outlets be closed during elections and national days ? Isn't it basic human rights violation by denying one his right to drink?

[A] Guruji - Son, a temporary ban on liquor is not human rights violation, instead the government is helping you to stock enough stuff beforehand so that you avoid last minute rush. And since you can never measure what “enough stuff” means when comes to spirits and spiritually, you would naturally stock excess not to take chances. Thus, statistically, any closure imposed on spirit shops drastically improves the overall weekly sales, which means better customer satisfaction, more taxes and ultimately better infrastructure, better standard of living for the society etc. Guruji is sure you will not attribute a good measure like that to human rights violation hereafter.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, my husband is such a lazy bum...

[Guruji's blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this forum is strictly for Guruji's disciples, no outsiders - such as his family members - are allowed here..

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to set out on a critical mission, to ensure that peace and international harmony prevails in his drawing room. He will be back here with you same time next week, unless he gets run over by a speeding shopping cart or caught in a stampede at the vegetables section of the grocery store during his mission.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Candidates

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji is here to converse with you. All of you have his summer blessings, do get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, what is the logic behind most political parties fielding film actresses in elections ? Are they the best people to lead our nation?

[A] Guruji - Son, you have raised a very important question here. Because, in the history of English language, this is the first time someone is using the word 'logic' alongside actresses and political parties in the same sentence, and for the same reason Guruji or any other scholar cannot answer it either. However to help you, Guruji's ashram has got in touch with all the said actresses and got their responses directly. Here are the top 5 answers they got. Please note that the names of respondents are not disclosed here and that is not to protect their identities but because you already know them and repetition creates boredom.

[ Actress-candidate 1 ]: "I thought this will be a good opportunity for me to serve the society, especially the womanhood, by exhibiting my great collection of sarees and sandals to them."

[ Actress-candidate 2 ]: "I was trapped into it in fact. When they said campaign, I thought it was a new ad campaign for UV protection glasses, realized only very late that I was a candidate too."

[ Actress-candidate 3 ]: "They said it will help improving my acting skills."

[ Actress-candidate 4 ]: "I wanted to get tanned."

[ Actress-candidate 5 ]: "You think 1, 2, 3 and 4  got something that I don't have? If they are in it, I'm in it too."

Guruji hope that answers your question.

[Q] Miss L asks - Guruji, is it necessary that one has to be a vegetarian to lead a truly spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss L, Guruji had mentioned this on many occasions earlier too, it is not what you eat but how you earn it is important. If you are a strict vegetarian, yet earn your food by tricking others - i.e by being a thief, a thug, an astrologer, a Bollywood script writer, a political son-in-law, a godman etc, you are no spiritual than a capuchin monkey. Hence Guruji's advice to you is to eat what you like, but make sure you obey traffic rules, pay your taxes, take bath, don't generally screw around and you will be more spiritual than any spiritually vegetarian capuchin monkeys.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, what is a Free Market Economy ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Free Market Economy or FME is a market mechanism built on the “Buy 1 get 1 Free” principle. The crux of it is that it gives consumers the freedom to choose - between walking away and falling into the vendor’s trap that is. Today, other variants of FME have also found adoption in many of the world’s leading economies such as Switzerland, Luxembourg and Reliance-retail. Some of them are - ”Buy 3 get 3 Free, “Buy 2 kilos of chicken and get a baboon brain absolutely Free etc.

[Q] Mr.Sharma asks - Guruji, I have an office job. I don’t have any opportunity to engage in physical activities and this is resulting in substantial weight gain. Can you advise some good yoga techniques to loss weight quickly ?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly, as Guruji always pointed out, yoga is not a one stop solution for all your urban upper-class problems. Now about weight control, there are two aspects to it. One is dietary restrictions and the other is physical exercises. For dietary control, employ a cook who has experience with airline caterers or Indian railways, you will rarely feel the urge to eat if at all. Coming to exercises, it is a good practice to walk around in the office occasionally, hence shift to the farthest corner from the reception, you sure will be forced to take an occasional stroll around the floor, especially with that newly appointed, living NY-fashion week adorning the reception. You have Guruji’s blessings.

Children, it’s time for Guruji to say goodbye to you all for the time being, he will meet you right here, same time next week, unless a front-office policy change force him to stay put in office longer.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Transparency

Ladies, Gentlemen and Transgentles,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your queries. Please keep your questions short, he has very less time today as he has to a give special darshan to a premier cricket league's stakeholders that include(but not limited to) gambling-goons, tax-evading-tycoons, bear-hugging-brand-ambassadors, choliless-cheerleaders etc in another part of the world later in the day.

[Q] Smitha asks -  Gurudev, do you think we have the right candidates in the fray for national leadership this time around ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, yes, with Heaven’s grace, we do have the right candidates running for the country’s leadership this time. Now if we need anybody better, we have to import a few Venom-spitting Cobras from Africa.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, the IPL season is starting. what is your advisory for the teams?

[A] Guruji - Ram, in the past IPL has gone through many sticky wicket situations, resulting in gaining bad name for the game. Hence this time around Guruji advises all stakeholders to remember one thing to have it all clean - TRANSPARENCY. His advice to the corporate co-owners is to have transparency in their financial dealings so that it’s easy for the tax agencies, police to jail them with enough evidences. His advice to team members is to have transparency in their gestures and actions so that the bookies get it all correct. And last but not the least, his advice for the Bollywood heroines and cheerleaders involved is to be transparent too - in their outfits - for better spectator satisfaction.

[Q] Anand asks - Guruji, can you suggest a good motto for my country?

[A] Guruji - Son, here it is - “Anything usable will be misused”

[Q] Miss K asks - Guruji, I hear that you have a yoga technique for every situation. My problem is that I live in a community where unusual levels of public flatulence resulting in a stinking environment. Do you have any yoga techniques to recommend for people with this problem?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss K, it is a misunderstanding that yoga is a one stop solution for all your problems - unless you are a yoga guru making a living out of it that is. In your case, no amount of yoga can resolve the said problem, just plaster the mouths of your national news anchors and party spokespersons, the stink will subside.

[Q] Jay asks - Guruji, often we see political leaders running for national leadership across the world having their motto “Vote for change.  Vote me”. I wonder what they will do next time around ?

[A] Guruji - Son, next time they can combine it into a single sentence “Vote for changing me”

Ok children, please allow Guruji to take leave now, he will meet you at same place, same time next week, unless he get auctioned in the sports market by then.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Inner Peace

Ladies, Gentleman and Pahalwan Politicians,

Guruji has descended his holy bottom on the holy hot-seat, he will now take your questions, please get started.

[Q] Lata asks - Guruji, a top politician recently tried justifying rape by stating that boys do mistakes at times, we must not hang them for that. Do you agree with this view?

[A] Guruji - Dear Lata, Guruji would totally agree with the politician here, boys do mistakes and we must help and reform them. Say if a boy steals bread out of hunger, a true leader will try to reform the boy by providing him with food from his own kitchen so that he won’t be tempted to rob the poor neighbourhood bakers, right? Similarly the said leader Guruji hope will lead the way in this case and supply the said boys with whatever ‘food’ they were after from his home so that they don’t attack poor girls on the road.

[Q] Mohan asks - Guruji, till recently the only identity we common men (and women) of this country had was our 'aam aadmi' label that gave us a community feeling and some level of confidence that we can collectively bargain for our basic necessities such as the right to eat, the right to take bath, right to wash our bottoms etc. But now that identity also is hijacked by political parties. What should we do now?

[A] Guruji - Son, when one identity goes of, a competent community like yours must adapt another rather than lamenting over it. Guruji recommend all you common men and women out there to choose an assy identity going forward without having to worry about somebody hijacking that identity, as donkeys are gentle, trustworthy creatures having no problem sharing their humble namespace (or even their living space) with other fellow beings, unlike the ones who stole your current identity.

[Q] Shankar asks - Guruji, I feel we middle-aged men are the most neglected, ignored and taken for granted set of people. We get no appreciation for our deeds, no girls aspire for us, we get the least consideration and priority when coming to anything from queuing up for boarding a plane to getting evacuated from a sinking ship. Why is this discrimination, aren’t we the most worthy set of people as we form the top business persons, top politicians, top artists, top everything in fact ?

[A] Guruji - Son, though you have raised a very important question here, you have made a critical error by saying ”WE middle-aged men” as by that you have classified Guruji too as an ill-fated, rapidly aging, potbellied desperado while in reality he is a chiranjeevi who belongs to no age groups and is as desirable as a Bollywood Khan with 8 packs(6 anterior, 2 posterior) in his current avatar.  Coming back to your question, the answer is there in your statement itself - it is your very “top everything” status that makes people give you the least priority and respect as you also form the top rapists, top child-molesters, top politicians, top thieves, top warlords, top news anchors, top stock-traders etc as well. Guruji advises you all to become topless in the above mentioned categories, you will earn your due respect.

[Q] Pushpak asks - Guruji, why do all you religious leaders are against homosexuals, aren't they also God's creations and deserve a place in the society?

[A] Guruji - Pushpak, it is a misconception that we religious leaders are fully against homosexuality, it is only the first 4 letters that we oppose, for the rest, we are fully committed and are more than happy to dedicate our whole life for it.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, what is inner peace, how can one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, like the outside world, our souls also have an inner world. As in a calm and peaceful exterior world - that is, the one without destructive activities like wars, natural calamities, Bollywood movies etc, there is also a state of calmness that prevails in your inner world as well. One can attain it by having focus, dedication and more importantly by releasing inner gases through appropriate bodily apertures at appropriate times.

Ok children, Guruji will take leave now to take a leak. He will meet you same space, time and any other dimensions that coincide here next week, unless by then his astrological planets get oriented in a different direction and he get hit by a meteor as a result of it.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Affairs

Ladies, Gentlemen and Political horse traders,

In spite of a very busy schedule with parliamentary candidates queuing up to seek his support and blessings, Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his time for you. Do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Shyam asks - Guruji, will you get involved in resolving marital problems too?

[A] Guruji - Son, since marital affairs are mostly material affairs, Guruji usually don’t get involved. However at times he do get involved in resolving marital problems, but it depends on the nature of the problem, especially it's sex appeal.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I'm a candidate for the forthcoming parliamentary elections. Opinion polls show that I have only a 50-50 chance to win. What will be a good yagam/yagya that I can do to improve my chances?

[A] Guruji - Son, Gandhiji-aayana yagam will be good for you. To perform this special yagya, you must first distribute as much Gandhiji (picture) imprinted artifacts as possible among your voters, but on one condition - that those artifacts are of such value that your voters will have no  hesitation to sell their souls to you in return. Also you must ensure that for every such distributed Gandhiji-artifact, you send an equal number to your spiritual guru's - in this case Guruji's - ashram as well, to get full returns for your investme...he mean prayers and chanting.

[Q] Anonymous asks - ..Guruji, for last Gandhi-jayanti we have made a bunch of plastic lockets imprinted with Gandhiji's picture for distribution among school kids but couldn't do so. Will they do?

[A] Guruji - Son, with this gem of an un-evolved primate brain, your are already overqualified to be a parliamentarian. Nevertheless,  Guruji would like to remind you that such an exercise will be as wasteful as trying to brush your teeth with your own intestinal waste. No voter - even the ones who are so wretched that they have to choose you - will ever trade their souls for a 10 Rupee locket. So, do as Guruji has advised, you have his blessings.

[Q] Urmila asks - Your Holiness, I followed your advice and started loving and helping my neighbours. It all went well till now, but now none of them are ready to own the fatherhood of my newborn baby. Please help me.

[A] Guruji - Dear Urmila, he cannot help you here for two reasons - firstly because Guruji is a spiritual leader and is enlightened enough to be creative without running the risk of procreation. Secondly he was never your neighbour.

[Q] Deepa asks - Guruji, political parties are mudslinging each other so badly that I cannot make out who is good, who is bad. So I’m not able to take a firm decision whom to vote in this election. Can you please advise?

[A] Guruji - Dear Deepa, hundreds of young devotees like you are asking this question to Guruji every day. However being a spiritual Guru, he cannot take up sides and recommend you one party over another here, as for him all are equal - in terms of their donations to the ashram that is. However, make sure that you vote for a candidate who seek vote based on caste/religion, as only they can lead us to 22nd century(B.C he mean).

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as the political aspirants bee-lining at his backyard are creating a law and order situation and he got to give them darshan, otherwise they will bee-sting his back. He will meet you at same place, same time next week unless he gets elected to the heavens by then.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Astrology

Ladies, gentlemen and lawmakers-come-breakers,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your doubts and concerns. Please note that this is election season and many candidates would want Guruji to predict their future. We have setup a new direct channel (not to mention exclusively) for them at the ashram where you could directly know your political fortune from Guruji’s parrot.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, none of you astrologers could predict the recent disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines plane, nor could you predict where it can be found. Isn’t it just proof that astrology is a fraud?

[A] Guruji - Son, blaming astrology for missing aircraft is like blaming Shahrukh Khan for your lemur-looks. Here you should be blaming airline authorities who neither employ nor consult us astrologers before their planes take-off. Had this been done, they would have averted this and many other disasters, especially if they had better planes and pilots. People must know that we astrologers cannot predict anything and everything for free, which will make our future highly unpredictable.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, the earth is becoming hotter and hotter year after year. Is it human activities causing this as some people claim? Do you think this will lead us to our end one day and if so by when will that happen?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, you are right. The earth is becoming hotter, as proven by the air-conditioner sales numbers and Bollywood item numbers released year after year. This is partially due to human activities like  industrial pollution, cattle flatulence and election speeches. However, mother nature also plays her role in this, though she is doing this for a much nobler cause - to smoke humans out of here so that the rest of the life forms on this planet get their fair share too. Guruji however will not mention the exact date by when we will meet our end here, as it will make people panic and anarchy will prevail , aam-aadmi will rule if he does so.

[Q] John asks - Guruji, why is that anything healthy is not tasty and vice versa for us humans while every other creature can relish on what they like, yet don’t die of heart attacks? Is it because there is no god there and some bad-a$$ sadist created us humans?

[A] Guruji - John son, it is not fair to blame the heavens for your wife’s poor cooking skills in the first place. You may blame it for her lack of common sense in choosing the right life-partner though. On the face of it, healthy food may taste bad, but if you add a bit of mayonnaise or barbecue sauce over it, the taste will improve, do try. So the secret of having healthy-yet-tasty food is not in it’s ingredients, but in the toppings we must realize.

[Q] Ruchi asks - Guruji, you had been giving us darshan on every weekend, now we see that most of the weekends you are not doing so and you are giving darshans on randomly chosen week days. Why is this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, Guruji gives darshan to his disciples when their souls are in dire need of him. These days most of his disciples who are urban rich (who call themselves middle-class due to their pseudo-humility) spend their weekends mall-hopping during which they keep their souls in Lucifer’s cloakroom and are in no need of Guruji. Weekdays on the other hand they are frustrated with work pressure, traffic tussles and prime time news and are badly in need of Guruji's sermons. Hence the changed darshan timings.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave as he has many potential lawmakers knocking his ashram doors for darshan and are creating lawlessness in his yard in that process. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless his parrot demands a vacation and Guruji has to fill-in for him during the election season.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Karma

Ladies, gentlemen and the estates of the realm,

Guruji is back, (without a vengeance though) after a long and holy mission(of which he will disclose more below), he will now address your questions and concerns. Do get started.

[Q] Mr. M asks -  Guruji, I am a Bollywood film maker who recently got into trouble by naming a movie after some mythological figures that earned me the wrath of religious groups and courts. I’m now making my next movie and is planning to name it “Vastraksheep” as that is the central theme of the movie (In fact for most of my successful movies this is the main theme). Do you foresee any issues with that name, if so what is a suitable alternate name you can suggest me?

[A] Guruji - Son, firstly you did the right thing by approaching Guruji before proceeding any further with this title which would have got you into trouble. Guruji must tell you that people(not to mention innocent and pious) can come to watch this movie of yours with an expectation that it is related to Vastrakshepas(disrobing) that happened in puranas and ultimately get their religious sentiments hurt/dribbled out. They would have then taken you to court who definitely will stand by people and not by logic. Guruji did some numerological calculations and came up with an auspicious alternate title which is both safe and contextually aligned to your story. He advises you to title your movie “Choli Ke Peeche Kya Hai” . Your name my son will go down in history as the director of CKPKH, you have Guruji's blessings.

[Q] Kamla asks - Guruji, you mentioned somewhere that every creature has a right to exist in this world and has its own karma associated. I think this is wrong, for example what is a mosquito's karma?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kamla, mosquito is a creature with a multitude of karma associated, touching all our lives in many ways, be it business, entertainment or sports. It sustains the multi-crore repellent industry, was the single reason behind Hollywood blockbusters like Jurassic Park. Also, have you ever thought why Indians are excelling in badminton lately? It’s because we are getting our kids trained from childhood on Chinese made mosquito bats. So dear, there is a defined karma for every living organism.

[Q] Jai asks - Guruji, more women are found smoking in urban India these days. I think it is against our culture, values and tradition. Isn’t it so?

[A] Guruji - Son, you are absolutely right, these women are damaging our values and culture. Especially if they are not throwing the butts(of the cigarette he mean, not theirs as you innocent disciples might think) to the street and causing at least a minor fire after every smoke, they indeed are doing something that is absolutely against our culture and values. To keep up with our traditions, they should instead chew “paan” and spit it on the walls.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, why do women look better than they are in real life in their social networking profile photos while men look worse than they are in the same ?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is mainly because of two reasons - Firstly, women are biologically wired to know when to make up and how, while men are also wired to do the same, but weird enough not to do so. Secondly, you are looking at those pictures through a man’s perception, hence feels so. Wear a pair of female eyeballs and see, your observation may reverse.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, you were not in the ashram for a while and haven’t given us darshan for many weeks. Were you on some pilgrimage or on a holy mission?

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, he was not in the ashram and his travel mainly was a holy mission, but can also be said to be a pilgrimage as it was for a noble cause. He was on a mission to capture and neutralize a disciple of his who turned hostile and published a book on her days at the ashram. As a true spiritual leader and protector of our traditions and values, it was Guruji’s karma to track her and the copies her book down before it overtook Kamasutra in sales.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave you all. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless more dissident disciples start publishing books.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Harassment

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cricket Board Governors,

Guruji is here with you, giving you a special darshan on a Monday as he will be a travelling on all weekends during the rest of his life and may not be able to converse with you all anymore on weekends.

[Q] Yogesh asks - Guruji, Valentine's day is coming up. What is the best way to celebrate it?

[A] Guruji - Son, Valentines day is a day to express your love, compassion and warmth to your dear and near. However Guruji would remind you that blindly following Western culture is not the right way to celebrate an occasion like this. Instead one must use it as an opportunity to demonstrate his love and warmth towards our culture and values too. Hence Guruji’s advice to you is to celebrate it responsibly by vandalising shops, attacking people and running rampages through the city as the true son of a..traditional and value-rich mother.

[Q] Inder asks - Guruji, I hails from a small(in terms of outlook, not size) island nation. We are soon going for our general elections to elect a president. Our choice is between electing someone with white beard or  black beard, who should we choose?

[A] Guruji - Son, beard traditionally is an indication of three things - 1) wisdom  2) lunatism or 3) hormonal imbalance if it is a woman. In your case since we are talking about national leadership, Guruji assumes that the first one can be ruled out as a criteria. Third one is a physical, curable thing and can be ignored as well. That leaves you with the second aspect which most of the time is the single factor we humans must consider when selecting another human - be it as a life-partner, president or car driver. Guruji advises your country to weigh the candidates on this aspect and choose the right one accordingly. However his personal advice to you as a disciple is to - Get the heaven out of that country at the earliest, because if we have to choose national leadership based on beard color,  that place sure is going to be doomed.

[Q] Mr.G asks - Guruji, we have appointed an Indian born person as the CEO of our global technology company recently. We had been struggling to keep up with our competition for a while, do you see this appointment will help us beat our competition?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son, your new CEO has mentioned that he learned teamwork from Cricket. Guruji assure that you can bet on him.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I am a disciple of yours and has been a successful Bollywood heroine for few years now. But lately younger girls are getting more attention and because of this I am suffering from some sort of anxiety syndrome for a while and is constantly worried about my future. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Anonymous dear, there is no reason for you to panic here, one must be prepared to take success and failure equally to lead a fruitful life. Moreover, Guruji foresee that you have a long and successful career ahead and opportunities will come your way in many forms - such as nappies, milk powders, noodles, baby soaps, toothpicks etc. Endorse them and success will follow you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I recently completed my studies and started working . A co-worker tells me that if any of my male colleagues comment on my clothing or appearance, it amounts to sexual harassment and I must bring it to the notice of authorities. But I feel she is wrong and its a bit too harsh to take it that way. Am I right or she is right?

[A] Guruji - Dear Smitha, both of you are right and both of you are wrong too. In behavioural science, when someone compliments you for your belongings, it usually indicates their desire to have the same thing. Hence if the compliment from a male colleague is on your outer clothing such as “Hey this yellow trouser of yours is superb! where did you buy it” etc , you can safely exclude it from sexual harassment as he is a harmless cross-dresser who desire to have the same clothing(btw, same is the reason why books like “7 Habits of Highly Successful Yet Moronic People” get sold like hot cakes). However if the comment is on you appearance, such as “Hey that T-shirt of yours looks tight, someone can get hurt with those sharp edges, watch out” etc, his intentions and thoughts sure are evil and it amounts to harassment.

Alright children, time for Guruji to leave as he has a darshan coming up with his carpentry contractor and has to mentally and physically prepare for the same.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Socialism

Ladies, Gentlemen and mango-men,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, please get started with your queries and worries,

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, Socialism or Capitalism - which is good for the welfare of human society in the long run ?

[A] Guruji - Son, these economic systems differ fundamentally on how wealth is distributed in the society. Wealth as in your hard-earned, half-axed monthly income and not the wealth that your employers and political masters have tucked away in tax havens. In a capitalist system, the distribution of wealth is called "direct distribution", where all your suppliers and debtors line up and grab your wealth at the end of the month directly from you. But in a socialist system, the wealth distribution is the duty of state to ensure that there is no inequality in the distribution. Here the state fetches and distributes your wealth equally among all the needy and poor such as the lazy-unemployed, the white-elephant staffers, the bankrupt corporations etc. For you as an individual, ultimately both are good systems as both aims at the welfare of society by ensuring that your bank account is emptied by month end so that you are inspired to keep working towards the next month’s bed and breakfast.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, your disciples sometime ago conducted nation-wide monkey jumping events collecting money to create a life-size statue of yours that they claimed can save the country from all the evil spirits that cast eyes on our country, due to which we are still a lot poorer compared to the rest of the world. Has the statue been erected and has it started drawing results ?

[A] Guruji - Yes my son, the said erection has happened, you may see a snapshot of it HERE. On results - yes, it has earned the noble souls who collected the donations a good fortune that each of them now drives a Fortuner.

[Q] Mrs.Lata asks - Guruji, this is about my teenage daughter. She is addicted to Facebook and spends all her time on it. She is glued on to her computer screen interacting with her Facebook friends on all her non-school hours. Her father and I tried various ways including physical punishment to get her out of this habit, but with no results.I am worried about my daughter’s future, how can I persuade her to come out of it and focus on her studies?

[A]  Guruji - Dear Mrs.Lata, trying to dissuade today’s teenagers from using social networking through physical punishment is like trying to convert a hyena vegetarian by force-feeding it sambar-rice. You must use a more pragmatic approach here. One option is to encourage them to move to Google+ as their social networking platform. You can persuade them to do so by educating them that Facebook is secretive and hence evil and can trade their souls, while one cannot hide anything from Google anyway and it already has a copy of your soul all the time. Once they start using Google+, they will soon give up trying to understand it, and will start hating social networking altogether. Then enroll them for Guitar or Football classes depending on which will potentially keep your drawing room intact in the long run, you have Guruji’s blessings.

[Q] Kavya asks - Guruji, I’m a highschool student. My parents think social networking is evil and always behind me to stop it whenever I’m on Facebook. My mother had even beaten me on couple occasions on this. I want to make them understand how important my Facebook is for me. How should I go about?

[A] Guruji - Kavya dear, Guruji has been living in this world for many centuries and he can tell you that it’s very hard for people of any generation to make their parents understand what’s cool for their generation. Any attempt to argue with your parents on this will be an exercise as as futile as trying to feed a hyena with Margherita pizza to turn it vegan. The best thing for you to do is demonstrate them how harmless, interactive, informative and recreative social networking is. For this, create Facebook accounts for your mom and dad, help them connect with their high school, college crushes, you have Guruji’s assurance that they will no longer pester you on this topic. However, make sure you connect both mom and dad on it. Else suspicion, jealousy etc can happen between them, making your home so parliamentary that paramilitary forces have to be called in to bring back peace.

Ok children, time for Guruji to retire to his meditation chamber, he will meet you here again next week unless he gets to do something better by then.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Social Networking

Ladies, Gentlemen and Twitterati,

His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj has arrived on the (equally long) darshan-dais and will hear your grievances now. Do get started.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am a 24 year old business executive who is heavily into social networking from my college days. But my current girlfriend suspects that I do this mainly to woo other girls and she wants me to unfriend all my female social network friends, else she will 'expose' me. Isn't it unethical for ones own girlfriend to expose him? What should I do now?

[A] Guruji -  Son, it indeed is unethical for any current girlfriends to expose a man in front of his future ones, especially if there are things about him that when 'exposed' can look mean to those futures. In that case you must unfriend, unfollow and whatever other social un-networking you can do to your current and start following, friending and fuc..

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Your Holiness, we are into spirituality!

[A] Guruji - [..shaant ho ja Editor Bete, we still are]..fuchting your future ones.

[Q] Anonymous and Guruji’s Blog Editor jointly asks - Guruji, what does “fuchting” mean?

[A] Guruji - It is a term used in social networking to indicate one’s intense desire to get networked with a certain other person.

[Q] Anonymous asks  - Guruji, I have been in the social networking world even before my parents were born,  but I never heard such a word before?

[A] Guruji - Guruji would like to ask you since when have you heard the word “social networking world” itself anyway. You sure are born before your parents, but must remember that Guruji sees future, so stop worrying about the word and start practicing it, the word will find its way in, Guruji assure you.

[Q] Sooraj asks - Guruji, what is your opinion about Aam-aadmi party?

[A] Guruji - Son, a true spiritual guru ought to stay away from politicking, partying and similar material subjects unless it give him material pleasures and hence Guruji won’t comment on this topic. However, he would like to remind you that Aams are seasonal fruits, and artificially ripened ones sold in the city markets are toxic too.

[Q] Laxmi asks - Guruji, I hear that airlines and aviation authorities all over the world are planning to lift the ban on using mobile phones in-flight. Will it have any adverse impact on air travelers?

[A] Guruji - No dear, it will not, provided you take the right safety measures. Guruji’s ashram has started supplying wearable spiritual ornaments such as his Blessed De-demonizer earplugs which will protect air passengers by casting out mobile-daemons or mombies that may attack them taking advantage of this policy change. Mombies  by the way are evil spirits that are loudspeakers permanently plugged into cellphones and have the power to trade your soul by sitting next to you in public places and passenger carriers.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I’m a 30 year old computer software professional, now on the lookout for a suitable bride. I am looking for one who is “traditional, but with a modern outlook”. Where should I start my search?

[A] Guruji - At Hindustan Motors - an Ambassador with power-steering will suite your definition.

Ok dear children, time for Guruji to leave, as he has a special darshan to give to scientists from a space research organization who are seeking his advice on the next suitable muhurta they can send taxpayers money to the moon. He will meet you same time, same place again unless Lady-fate has other plans for him.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Forgiveness

Ladies, Gentlemen and Brand Ambassadors,

Guruji had been on mission to recover and rehabilitate a large number of destitutes who were kept at a distance by the mainstream society for a long time for their lack of grey matter content in brain. Guruji’s efforts has been focused on giving them a new life by empowering them to acquire some human skills that will enable them to lead normal life. Here he is for you, just returned from his mission to the Big Boss House. Do get started with your questions.

[Q] Miss.K asks - Guruji, I started my career with a leading advertising company six months back. A senior male colleague often tries to take undue advantage of me by purposely patting on my shoulders or cheeks on the pretext of appreciating my work. I hate him and often think of taking revenge on him by some or other means. How should I deal with this situation ?

[A] Guruji - Dear K, as Guruji mentioned in this forum multiple times, hatred and vengeance are no solution to any problems. One must practice forgiveness and remission because only by forgiving that you can educate such sinners to become better human beings. Guruji would advise you to pardon your colleague for his misdeeds and next time when this happens, you must also pat him back on his cheeks instead as a truly good-hearted person. Make sure that your patting goes at a rate of 4000 newtons force that he needs a couple of molar replacements but. He will behave well thereafter with your this display of forbearance Guruji assure you.

[Q] Uma asks - Guruji, it’s been a very long time since we humans originated and by now we have somewhat mastered the art of procreation, mate selection tactics and stuff like that. Yet a lot of research reports come out every year with something even our primate forefathers new such as “Study proves women find armpit smelling men less attractive", "Survey shows men prefer women with bigger boo..”

[Guruji’s Blog Editor] :- Sorry to intervene.. this is a spiritual forum..

[Q] Uma - I was to say boot-heels. Guruji, my question is - why people are still interested in such researches ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Uma, there is nothing wrong in such researches. Say we humans have been eating chicken for thousands of years now, both raw and cooked. Yet when a new fried-chicken restaurant opens, you throng there, though it still will be the same old chicken in a new packet. And none of these restaurants have gone out of business for the reason that chicken is tasting the same from pre-historic times. Because flesh businesses always has a market, then,now and in future.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, in your opinion, will the Aam Aadmi party victory in Delhi have far reaching impacts in the Indian political spectrum?

[A] Guruji - There is a short answer and a long answer to this question. The short answer is “Yes” and the long answer is “No”.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness, I am taking up a pilgrimage to all the major religious shrines in the country. What are the most important things one should carry along while on such a pilgrimage that can make the journey more fruitful ?

[A] Guruji - Garbage bags.

[Q] Manoj asks - Guruji, I recently visited a religious shrine in South India where they insisted I take off my shirt before entering the premises. The same place also doesn’t allow women wearing jeans to enter as well. Why such barbaric rules and regulations still prevail in our society ?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must realize that every religious ritual has it’s own symbolism associated and you must not take it in it’s literal sense. For example, when you light a candle or lamp in a shrine, you are symbolically burning the bottoms of all evil spirits around you such as rakshasas, yakshis, reality-show producers etc. The ritual of removing your shirt symbolically reminds you of the importance of humility in one’s life. Because, only when you come across such pre-historic practices will you realize that we humans have not all that evolved from primates. That realization - that you still are a monkey with a smartphone  - will help you stay humble in life.

[Q] Karthik asks - Guruji, I am a university student, I was forced by my parents to study science while I wasn’t interested in that subject. I want to be a movie actor like my celluloid heroes and wants to work towards that. Under these circumstances, I’m sure going to be a dropout from college soon. Can you please predict what will be my future?

[A] Guruji - Son, under these circumstances no prediction is possible on your future, as predicting something thats not going to be there is impossible.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, should I feel happy about receiving an automated “New Year Greetings”? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Yes, you should feel good about it because if you are reading it that implies you are not brain-dead unlike the sender.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I was a leading editor-in-chief and a political think-tank of my country till recently when I was caught and put in jail for misbehaving with women. I repent it now and would like to come out as a good human being. What is your advice for me ?

[A] Guruji - Son Think-tank, start using your brain instead of your sperm-tank to think, you will do better in life.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, he will converse with you sometime in future, though he cannot commit when as he is taking up a long journey in search of truth, of which he knows nothing right now when/where will it end, as he is going to the transport department office to have his driving license renewed - without paying bribe.