Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Guruji Speaks - Astrology

Ladies, gentlemen and lawmakers-come-breakers,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your doubts and concerns. Please note that this is election season and many candidates would want Guruji to predict their future. We have setup a new direct channel (not to mention exclusively) for them at the ashram where you could directly know your political fortune from Guruji’s parrot.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, none of you astrologers could predict the recent disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines plane, nor could you predict where it can be found. Isn’t it just proof that astrology is a fraud?

[A] Guruji - Son, blaming astrology for missing aircraft is like blaming Shahrukh Khan for your lemur-looks. Here you should be blaming airline authorities who neither employ nor consult us astrologers before their planes take-off. Had this been done, they would have averted this and many other disasters, especially if they had better planes and pilots. People must know that we astrologers cannot predict anything and everything for free, which will make our future highly unpredictable.

[Q] Neha asks - Your Holiness, the earth is becoming hotter and hotter year after year. Is it human activities causing this as some people claim? Do you think this will lead us to our end one day and if so by when will that happen?

[A] Guruji - Dear Neha, you are right. The earth is becoming hotter, as proven by the air-conditioner sales numbers and Bollywood item numbers released year after year. This is partially due to human activities like  industrial pollution, cattle flatulence and election speeches. However, mother nature also plays her role in this, though she is doing this for a much nobler cause - to smoke humans out of here so that the rest of the life forms on this planet get their fair share too. Guruji however will not mention the exact date by when we will meet our end here, as it will make people panic and anarchy will prevail , aam-aadmi will rule if he does so.

[Q] John asks - Guruji, why is that anything healthy is not tasty and vice versa for us humans while every other creature can relish on what they like, yet don’t die of heart attacks? Is it because there is no god there and some bad-a$$ sadist created us humans?

[A] Guruji - John son, it is not fair to blame the heavens for your wife’s poor cooking skills in the first place. You may blame it for her lack of common sense in choosing the right life-partner though. On the face of it, healthy food may taste bad, but if you add a bit of mayonnaise or barbecue sauce over it, the taste will improve, do try. So the secret of having healthy-yet-tasty food is not in it’s ingredients, but in the toppings we must realize.

[Q] Ruchi asks - Guruji, you had been giving us darshan on every weekend, now we see that most of the weekends you are not doing so and you are giving darshans on randomly chosen week days. Why is this?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, Guruji gives darshan to his disciples when their souls are in dire need of him. These days most of his disciples who are urban rich (who call themselves middle-class due to their pseudo-humility) spend their weekends mall-hopping during which they keep their souls in Lucifer’s cloakroom and are in no need of Guruji. Weekdays on the other hand they are frustrated with work pressure, traffic tussles and prime time news and are badly in need of Guruji's sermons. Hence the changed darshan timings.

Ok children, time for Guruji to leave as he has many potential lawmakers knocking his ashram doors for darshan and are creating lawlessness in his yard in that process. He will meet you same time, same place next week, unless his parrot demands a vacation and Guruji has to fill-in for him during the election season.

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