Sunday, April 24, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Goodwill Ambassadors

Ladies, Gentlemen and Media,

Guruji had been helping the government in his part of the world to select its goodwill ambassador for the next Olympic games. Below is a transcript of the selection process - published by Guruji’s ashram in public interest and also for governments in future as a guideline how to select good goodwill ambassadors. Guruji was assisted by Her Holiness Maa Aandamayi Devi (HH MAD as she is popularly known) in this selection process.


(Enter HIS HOLY BOTTOM and HH MAD on the dais, sitting)

HH MAD : Oh Guruji Maharaj, is this a stage play we are into for having the transcript written this way?

GURUJI: Oh Maate! When comes to detailing events, there is no better form than a stage play. Also,this is a stage-managed selection you must know !

(Enter Guruji’s assistant YOGRAJ, panting. GURUJI withdraws his eyes off HH MAD’s Holy Bottoms, looks at Yograj)

YOGRAG: Mahadev, I have Bollywood actor Kalman Shan awaiting darshan and the interview

GURUJI : Do lead him in my son. Also, why are you panting in this manner ?

YOGRAG: Mahadev, he almost ran me over at the ashram’s driveway. He says he can’t resist doing so when he see wretched looking people on sidewalks.

(YOGRAG bows, leaves. GURUJI and HH MAD exchange a wicked grin. Enters KALMAN SHAN, removes his shirt, falls on Guruji’s feet)

GURUJI (Aside) : That is a nice gesture ! Next time we must remember to shortlist few actresses as well

HH MAD (Telepathically to GURUJI) : Mahadev, that’s highly misogynistic of Your Holy Bottom! Use ‘actor’ as a gender neutral term when referring to female performers please.

GURUJI (Telepathically to HH MAD) : Avashy Mataji! But may he keep his mistresses and hostesses?

HH MAD  (Telepathically to HH MAD) : Avashy Maharaj !

GURUJI  (Telepathically to HH MAD) :  Oh Mataji, we are not into epic tele-serials to address each other like this

HH MAD  (Telepathically to HH MAD) :  Apologies Gurudev, I was a serial-killer in my previous avatar you see. Let us now focus on the boy. By the way, did you notice his six packs?

GURUJI (in a high-pitched voice): Mataji, we have an important job in hand !

(GURUJI lifts the still fallen KALMAN up, leads him to a chair, places His Holy Bottom on another. HH MAD is still having her eyes superglued on to the actor’s abdominal landscape)

GURUJI (to KALMAN) : Oh my son, you know the purpose of this darshan, let us get started without wasting much time

GURUJI (Aside) : Wake up you adulteress!

(HH MAD springs up from her chair as if she is stung by a bottom-sipper bee, sits down again, smiles)

GURUJI (to KALMAN) : Son, why do you think you are the right person for this job?

KALMAN (Clearing his throat) : Gurudev, if Malkadi can be the Olympic association president, Molit Lady can head the Cricket Premier league..

GURUJI (Interrupting KALMAN): Son, you answered me. Let us continue. Do you have any sporting skills?

KALMAN (Excitedly) : Of course Gurudev, I am a good shooter!

GURUJI : How nice! Rifle or Pistol ?

KALMAN: Neither Gurudev, I can shoot blackbucks

(GURUJI and HH MAD again exchange a wicked grin)

HH MAD : Son, what do you think is the primary message of Olympic games to people of our country?

KALMAN: Mataji, I think it gives a message to people that Doordarshan Sports channel still exists

HH MAD: Well done my son! Can you tell me what are the colors of the five rings of the Olympic symbol?

KALMAN: Saffron, Saffron, Saffron, Saffron and Saffron

(GURUJI gets up, embraces KALMAN, tries to do the same with HH MAD, but she escapes by moving behind the chair quickly)

GURUJI : Well done my son! You shall be the goodwill ambassador of our country in the next Olympic Games!

KALMAN: I’m honoured Your Holy Bottom. May I know when and where this Olympiscs is going to be held? I have to apply for the visa accordingly.

GURUJI: It is Olympics my son, and is going to be held in Rio de Janeiro.

KALMAN(Aside): Rio-the what? Never mind, I can Google it

(KALMAN bows both, leaves. GURUJI and HH MAD exchange a wicked grin, both leave the dais. Blackout)


(Lights. Press-conference . Enters Sports Minister and YOGRAJ. Sitting )

SM: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very happy to announce Mr. Kalman Shan as the goodwill ambassador of our country for the next Olympic games !

(Journalist-looking-person stands up)

JLP : Mr. Minister, why do you have a person with no connection whatsoever with sports selected for this job ?

SM: My friend, it is Guruji’s wish that Mr.Kalman be the ambassador to bring us good luck, we cannot question a god-send direction from a godsend person you must know. Let us toast for the success of our Olympic team!

(All rise, raise wine glasses and toast - “Hail Goddesses Motherland ! ”. Blackout)

Note:- Guruji shall give his regular darshan to disciples same time, same place next month unless there are actors(f) he has to hand-pick for other forthcoming international events as goodwill ambassadors.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Acts of god

Ladies, Gentlemen and Construction Gods,

Guruji will now hear your grievances and concerns, do get started.

[Q] Raj asks - Guruji, our government and the contractors think that a recent fatal bridge collapse in our part of the world is an act of god. Is it so? Why would the god punish innocent civilians like this?

[A] Guruji - Son, your government is absolutely right. Practically everything getting done in your part of the world are acts of gods and not of governments, except TV news debates which are acts of evil demons from down under in collaboration with venom spitting leeches from the hell. With the bridge collapse, the god is sending a clear message to people - that they think with their brain and not with their rectal ampulla before electing such governments and paying tax to employ such contractors.

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, why do some activists in our part of the world are campaigning against skin fairness creams saying they promote racism don't do so against people going for wacky hair colours these days?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, everything that happens in your part of the world cannot be explained by the rational mind of a sage. Had he got such powers Guruji would have tried to reason strange phenomena such as existence of Public Works Department in his part of the world. However, Gurujis ashram has got in touch with the said activists and they say that people attempting to get fairer skin can be reformed through awareness while those choosing the said hair colors got their grey cells irrecoverably lost and no amount of campaigning can help.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, is it ethical for an elected government to use public’s money to promote itself through media advertising?

[A] Guruji - Son, your spiritual guru is not the right person to answer such politically motivated questions, especially when the said government is solely employed to allot prime land and confer most prefered citizen awards to it's spiritual gurus. However Guruji will tell you this much that having assholery as a way of life is not a good situation to be in.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I am a head of state in my part of the world and an ardent follower of Your Holy Bottom. Many of my provinces are facing acute water shortage this summer. My government believes that if we stop playing national league games, about .00236% of water it consumes can be saved. Can you please advise how to address the remaining shortage ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is disappointed to see that in spite of being such an ardent follower of His Holy Bottom, your brain has not improved a by an iota from its original sabudana khichdi state. Guruji would advise you to instead squeeze and extract water from another resource available in abundance in your part of the world - human bodies. It is 60% water my son!

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, modern thinking is that men and women are equal. In that case why we still have separate queues for men and women in most places in my part of the world ? Shouldn’t we have gender-neutral queues ?

[A] Guruji - Son, yes it is a good idea to have gender-neutral queues as a symbol of equality,  provided men like you are gender-neutralized beforehand so that you stop spooning women in the queue.

Children, Guruji got to leave now to receive his annual most favoured person award from a country that washes his unlaundered undergarments. He will meet you all same place, same time in another life.