Sunday, April 17, 2016

Guruji Speaks - Acts of god

Ladies, Gentlemen and Construction Gods,

Guruji will now hear your grievances and concerns, do get started.

[Q] Raj asks - Guruji, our government and the contractors think that a recent fatal bridge collapse in our part of the world is an act of god. Is it so? Why would the god punish innocent civilians like this?

[A] Guruji - Son, your government is absolutely right. Practically everything getting done in your part of the world are acts of gods and not of governments, except TV news debates which are acts of evil demons from down under in collaboration with venom spitting leeches from the hell. With the bridge collapse, the god is sending a clear message to people - that they think with their brain and not with their rectal ampulla before electing such governments and paying tax to employ such contractors.

[Q] Meena asks - Guruji, why do some activists in our part of the world are campaigning against skin fairness creams saying they promote racism don't do so against people going for wacky hair colours these days?

[A] Guruji - Dear Meena, everything that happens in your part of the world cannot be explained by the rational mind of a sage. Had he got such powers Guruji would have tried to reason strange phenomena such as existence of Public Works Department in his part of the world. However, Gurujis ashram has got in touch with the said activists and they say that people attempting to get fairer skin can be reformed through awareness while those choosing the said hair colors got their grey cells irrecoverably lost and no amount of campaigning can help.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, is it ethical for an elected government to use public’s money to promote itself through media advertising?

[A] Guruji - Son, your spiritual guru is not the right person to answer such politically motivated questions, especially when the said government is solely employed to allot prime land and confer most prefered citizen awards to it's spiritual gurus. However Guruji will tell you this much that having assholery as a way of life is not a good situation to be in.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I am a head of state in my part of the world and an ardent follower of Your Holy Bottom. Many of my provinces are facing acute water shortage this summer. My government believes that if we stop playing national league games, about .00236% of water it consumes can be saved. Can you please advise how to address the remaining shortage ?

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji is disappointed to see that in spite of being such an ardent follower of His Holy Bottom, your brain has not improved a by an iota from its original sabudana khichdi state. Guruji would advise you to instead squeeze and extract water from another resource available in abundance in your part of the world - human bodies. It is 60% water my son!

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, modern thinking is that men and women are equal. In that case why we still have separate queues for men and women in most places in my part of the world ? Shouldn’t we have gender-neutral queues ?

[A] Guruji - Son, yes it is a good idea to have gender-neutral queues as a symbol of equality,  provided men like you are gender-neutralized beforehand so that you stop spooning women in the queue.

Children, Guruji got to leave now to receive his annual most favoured person award from a country that washes his unlaundered undergarments. He will meet you all same place, same time in another life.

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