Saturday, November 30, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Fairness

Ladies, Gentlemen and Indian Superstitious Research Organization management,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your concerns and questions.

[Q] Kareena asks  - Guruji, what is your opinion about promoting skin fairness creams? Isn’t it racist and discriminatory to think that certain skin colour is superior?

[A] Guruji - Yes dear, gods have created all human beings equal and it is wrong to differentiate someone based on skin color, nail color or even trouser color. It should be one's humility and honesty we should value and not their skin colour. Hence Guruji strongly condemn all sorts of promotions of skin fairness creams and treatments except those that are Ayurvedic and are supplied directly from Guruji’s Ayurvedic Center, as Ayurveda is directly from the heavens, passed on through ancient rishis and gurus. So if the heavens want us to look fair, its fair to spare a fair amount of money on it.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, I happened to attend a televised sermon of yours, and I think the stupid silly jokes you cracked and the laughter that broke out among your disciples thereafter are as unbearable as the bray of a bunch of donkeys stuck in the middle of a Miley Cyrus program. I think you should stop this?

[A] Guruji - Sure son, Guruji will try to mute Miley.

[Q] Max asks - Bharat Ratna awardee Dr.CNR Rao recently remarked that  "I don't believe in astrology. I don't believe in any other kind of superstition”. What do you spiritual leaders and astrologers have to say about this?

[A] Guruji - Son, it is not a spiritual guru’s job to react to statements of people who oppose our karma and dharma. We believe that time will teach such people the right lessons. However, since time usually takes a lot of time, we would like to revoke his Bharat Ratna right away, make gold plated statues of gods out of it and send it to ISRO for distribution among all  religious shrines. Secondly, give next years’ Bharat Ratna to whoever does this noble deed.

[Q] Juhi asks - Your Holiness, men or women, who got better sense of humour?

[A] Guruji - Juhi dear, gender is no differentiating factor when comes to humour sense or common sense. Both men and women got lot of humour sense and lack of common sense equally. But the things that evoke humour in each may vary though. Say you walk into a bus stop in style, slip on a banana peel and fall down. While all the men around will jump to help you get up and gather your stuff scattered around, the only woman who will not giggle spotting the humour here will be the Indira Gandhi statue opposite. On the other hand, say you are on a visit to the zoo, and while at the hippo pond you think loudly that you haven’t seen a J-Lo movie for a while. All the men around you will laugh out loud while all the women will pinch you for having such evil and dirty thoughts. So you can conclude that though both men and women are equally humorous, men prefer it darker.

[Q] Mrs.K asks - Guruji, can you please recommend me some yoga techniques that helps me keep my sanity levels intact, yet tolerate my husband's level of untidiness?

[A] Guruji - Dear Mrs.K, your husband who keeps it all untidy is in reality a person of philosophical stature and you must not stand in his way. By this untidiness, he is giving you and the rest of the world a message that only when an unclean room is cleaned eventually one realizes the value of cleanliness and not when you clean an otherwise clean room. Also Guruji advises you to  practice some of his anti-hypochondriacal yoga techniques instead to keep your mind calm.

Ok children, Guruji shall meet you again next week same time, same place, unless he gets arrested for the crime of promoting unethical practices such as common sense.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Guruji Speaks - Relationships

Ladies, Gentlemen and Cheap Editors,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy weekend to you all, do get started with your questions.

[Q] Disciples from Delhi ask - Guruji, we are planning to launch a media campaign to get you next year’s “Bharat Ratna”. What do you say?

[A] Guruji - That will be a noble deed indeed my children! Do proceed, and ensure it comes tax exempted.

[Q] Sheetal asks - Gurudev, I am an aspiring model, recently moved to Mumbai. My boyfriend is inviting me to share a live-in relationship with him. Do you see any danger in I going for it?

[A] Guruji - Sheetal dear, your spiritual guru may not be the right person to advise you on such material/marital/martial topics. However, in one of his previous incarnations as a university student, Guruji had a long standing live-in relationship and hence can share you few of his experiences here that you might find helpful. He had learned one important lesson from this live-in relationship where he shared his bed and blood with few bedbugs - that nobody has accountability here which is both good and bad. Good because you could eradicate your live-in partner(s) anytime without having any legal hassles or guilty consciousness. Bad because your priorities will never match, say when Guruji wanted to sleep, the live-ins had other agenda, like breeding or sucking his blood out. Overall, it wasn’t very comfortable he would say. Hence Guruji advises you to take a well thought out decision weighing pros and cons rather than following your boyfriend's libidinous plans blindly.

[Q] Sudheer asks - Guruji, I think our prime ministerial aspirants are crossing the line of dignity lately. Is it not bad for the country’s future?

[A] Guruji -  No my son, not at all. Guruji see it as a big positive sign if they are crossing the line of dignity, as from where they are today, they can only cross over to the better side.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, I heard that spiritual gurus like you can perform miracles like converting sheep into wolf and vice versa. How do you do it?

[A] Guruji - Son, there is nothing impossible for a soul that achieved self realization and nirvana. However, we spiritual gurus never convert wolf into sheep because such an act is against the laws of nature and will be a threat to the ecosystem and human society itself. Such deeds and black magics are done by evil forces such as national media. However we spiritual gurus occasionally convert many a disciple into a mule though, to demonstrate the divine powers bestowed upon us, and mules unlike wolves are harmless (and more importantly) feckless than any other species on earth.

[Q] Madhuri asks - Guruji, you have more male disciples or female disciples?

[A] Guruji - Madhuri dear, for a spiritual guru all his disciples are equal, s/he shall not differentiate or count them differently. Hence Guruji has never taken such a census or tried to classify or differentiate his disciples based on caste, creed, nationality,age group or financial status, let alone gender. His 2167 twenty-something female disciples will concur him on this. And he must tell you that that number doesn't include you who belong to the 9208 middle-aged, upper-middle class male disciples who are obsessed with their Bollywood heartthrobs and go by their identity online.

Ok children, time for us to part. Guruji will meet you here again same day, same time next week, unless the 2167 has another agenda for him on the same day, same time.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Guruji Speaks-Self Realization

[Editor- This edition onward Guruji's weekly enlightenment column will be titled "Guruji Speaks" as Maa Purba had advised Guruji to do so for numerological reasons.]

Ladies, Gentlemen and CBI officials,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, do get started with your questions.

[Q] Shanti asks from Shantiniketan - Guruji, I read in one of your books that to take up a spiritual path in life and become a spiritual mentor, one has to achieve “self-realization”. What is this self-realization and how will one attain it?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shanti, you have read the right book(unless it was a pirated copy picked up from the foot-path) and read it right as well. Self-realization is the biggest factor what leads one to the path of spirituality, apart from his/her criminal background that s/he want to cover up of course. It is the realization that you are good for nothing else.

[Q] Anonymous asks from New Delhi - Your Holiness, a top government official recently made a controversial remark by using an analogy “…it is like if you can’t prevent rape enjoy it” while talking about legalizing betting in Cricket. I would like to know whether a) Was this the right analogy to use in that situation? b) If not what was the right one there? and c) What is the correct place to use the said rape analogy?

[A] Guruji - Son Anonymous, if you ask questions in such parliamentary language, your anonymity will wither away. Now coming to your question, answer to a) Is no, this wasn't the right analogy in that situation b) The correct one on Cricket bettors would have been "If you can't screw’em, join them" and c) The analogy used by the official will only suite when we are talking about speeches of prime ministerial aspirants.

[Q] Sam asks- Mr.Guruji, you have mentioned many times in recent past that building statues of political leaders is the one stop solution for all the problems faced by our country. Isn’t this promoting superstition, idol worship etc? How is it possible that a statue can bring prosperity to a country?

[A] Guruji- Son Sam, Guruji’s is not a superstitious theory, instead it is based on experiments and socio-political analysis that Guruji had been conducting for a while now. His finding is that an average concrete or metal statue has got a much better brain and heart than the incumbent/aspirant leadership the country has.

[Q] Pandit Pushkara asks -. Guruji Mahoday, I am an astrologer by profession. Now that India is sending a satellite to Mars or Mangal Graha, will that have any influence on that planet’s  GOCHARA  and thus the astrological dimensions associated with it ?

[A] Guruji -Son, Guruji conducted a detailed “PRASHNA” on this subject as the space agency’s top management itself had such worries and they personally asked Guruji’s advice before taking the decision to send the satellite on 5th of November. They were worried whether the satellite will be a MANGLIK and crash land in Indian Ocean due to being positioned in 5th HOUSE. Fortunately, Guruji’s PRASHNA shows that neither mangal graha, nor the satellite are going to be influenced astrologically because, the only thing that can ever get influenced astrologically is the astrologers bank account.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now as his day’s karmas, darshans and market facing kriyas are to be completed. We shall meet here again next week unless Guruji gets a priority boarding call from the heavens. May his blessings be with you all(except those into statue building or are justifying it in TV)

Friday, November 8, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 20

Ladies,Gentleman and Policy-makers,

Guruji is on his way to lay foundation stone for the world's tallest politically motivated statue, made in a country that spends more money on VIP security than primary education. He is now ready to take your queries through his in-flight internet channel.

[Q] Dolly asks - Guruji, my husband and I are married for about six months now, our physical relationship hasn't picked up yet, as my husband says he is not ‘motivated enough’ to go for it . Is there any yoga technique that can help him?

[A] Guruji - Dear Dolly, your husband can practice Guruji’s patented "Samay Yoga". The yoga technique itself is very simple and easy to practice and there is no better ways to evoke one’s sensual senses. Here is the method - Every day morning, he must take a good bath in cold water, then have a glass of cold milk or ice tea. He must then sit in a room with good air circulation in a meditative half-lotus posture, facing west as that is the direction of planetary motions that influences your sensual feelings. Take a deep breath to increase his blood-oxygen levels and for the next 45 minutes read Times Of India. Repeat this for a week and he will not only start performing like a breeder bull, but also will start looking like one.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I’m the same person who spoke to you last week, the prime minister of the third world country. Your advice on the onion prices helped me to stay put, but now tomato prices have gone up and opposition is after me again. Can I apply the same job reservation technique here as well?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must understand one thing, that Guruji’s advices should not be treated like grandpa's underpants i.e in a one-size-fits-all fashion. Onion-strategy Guruji recommended will work only on onions. As tomatoes are perishable, they are like your country’s political leadership - become rotten and useless in no time. They won't even stay till you pass the reservation bill in your parliament. Hence Guruji advise you to be silent for a week(which he knows you are very good at), fresh tomatoes will be back in the market and the equally perishable memory of your voters will be back to normal as well. For your opposition, Guruji will keep them busy building tall statues that he made them believe is the best bet solution to win the next election.

[Q] Shaila asks - Guruji, my company always tells us in management trainings to have a ‘work-life balance’. Yet they make us slog like dung-beetles, work even on weekends etc. Isn’t this unethical of the company not to practice what they preach?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shaila, not at all. Your company is not unethical here for two reasons - One,  “work-life balance” is a short description of the statement “Work! Life? that you Balance somehow”. If you take that statement in it’s entirety, your company is right. Secondly,breeding dung beetles is not illegitimate business.Moreover, they are  paying good donations to gold-plate Gurujis ashram walls this year.

[Q] Amit asks - Gurudev, I am a successful investment banker, living in New York. I have acquired a good amount of wealth  with my job plus doing private investments in parallel and is leading a reasonably happy life. But after attending your sermons regularly, I feel I should take up a more spiritual path in life and become a spiritual guru or guide myself. I would like to ask you whether celibacy a must for this, or can I still have my spouse when I get into the spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Son, to take up spiritual path and become a spiritual master, one must cut all her/his earthly links and hence it is necessary that you leave your spouse. Remember what our great gurus and sages have taught us - “He who is off for a feast need no lunchbox to be carried along”.

OK children, time for Guruji to leave as his flight is about to land and the pilot insists that all telecommunication devices be switched off for he needs the entire internet bandwidth to Google how to land a plane. Guruji will meet you again next week if the pilot manages to find the answer.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 19

Hello everybody,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, you may now start asking your questions.

[Q] Kareena asks - Guruji, why do they have a semi/nearly nude woman in all kinds of advertisements these days including men’s wear. Isn’t it wrong to seek cheap ways to get attention?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kareena, you must understand that the advertisers are not seeking easy attention by having the semi/nearly nude women, as that could be achieved even by having a peeing dog or a pant-hooting chimp. In the world of ads, the most catchy are those which makes you think. The attireless lady has the unique power to throw some food for thought for everybody who comes across the ad. For example, all the men who see the picture will start thinking “Man..if I ever get her, where should I start from?”, all the women who see it would think “Bitch got some thick skin, but nice figure. How is she managing it?” while all the gender-neutral people(who usually make such advertisements) would start thinking why they are what they are. To tell you the truth dear, it even makes your pet dog think this way “Lots of flesh, but how come no smell? must be fake..let me move on..Woof..woof”.

[Q] K asks - Guruji, I am a social servant and member of parliament associated with a third world country. I have been working in my rural constituency trying to improve civic amenities and help the underprivileged class in improving healthcare, sanitation, primary education and things like that. But I have no way of getting things improved due to not getting funds allocated, poor support from bureaucracy and also the large population. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son K, by seeking Guruj's advice you have done the right thing. Stop everything that you are doing right now, instead seek funds to construct statutes of political leaders who are either dead, alive or in a state in between.

[Q] K asks - But Guruji, how can a statue..

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji recently got an enlightenment that the one stop solution to all the problems faced by a country of airheaded voters and taxpayers (which Guruji presume yours is one, from your description) is to spend few millions and build statues of leaders all around. The taller the statue, the better the results. No more poverty, lack of infrastructure, healthcare issues will haunt your country once the statues are unveiled. Care must be taken to not build it with having a handbag, which is an inauspicious article. A leader who followed Guruji's advice and built statues in another country lost her elections just because she built them all with the said bag. So go start grabbing land for it right away. You have Guruji’s assurance that this feat will make you even win a presidential or prime ministerial election as well.

[Q] Max asks -  Guruji, religions teach us that god is omnipresent, then why we have to go to religious shrines, pay donations or contributions to pray to god?

[A] Guruji - Son, though the atmosphere is full of air, you go to the fuel station, pay 10 rupees to the assistant and fill air(which they have written as ‘free air’)  in your car tyres. It is the same basic principle - god or air, business is business and it runs only on money.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am the Prime Minister of a highly populous third world country. I must admit that I am not a follower of yours as in our highly disciplined party, we are allowed to only follow the party president, the president's family members and pets. Coming to my problem, recently onion prices went up in our country and the opposition is now after my resignation saying its all because I don’t know my onions. How can I handle this situation?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is very simple and easy to resolve in your part of the world. Declare all those who don’t eat onion as a minority and announce them job reservations. Onion demand and prices will go down the next day, and your opposition will be forced to retreat. May Guruji’s blessings be with you and the presidential pets.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave, he promises to meet you again at same place, same time unless he finds something better to do. Till then may his blessings be with you all(excluding those engaged in bursting noisy crackers after midnight in his neighborhood)