Sunday, October 27, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 18

Ladies, Gentlemen and PM-aspirants,

We are glad to announce that Guruji has kindly agreed to spare an hour with you this weekend in spite of his busy weekend schedule chasing the rats out of his car hood. He has arrived on the dais, let us get started.

[Q] Juhi asks - Guruji, many researchers say that women got better multi-tasking skills than men. Why?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, this is true and can mainly be attributed to the division of labour existed between the two genders in the initial days of humanity. Ancient men were focusing single-mindedly on killing wild boars while women had to cook, rear kids and watch their rear from bear attacks simultaneously. Even in the modern day life, things didn’t change much. Manicuring while making sure the banana-egg yolk facial mask doesn't fall-off when you are microwaving yesterday's curry for lunch and also parallely sharing postnatal weight gain concerns with your friend over phone, all these when counting the number of pressure-cooker whistles is a job that demands tremendous multi-tasking skills while changing the channels on a remote doesn’t demand not only multi-tasking, but no particular skills at all.

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between a brand ambassador and a model ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, it is the same between a mistress and a hooker, tenure and commitment levels differ slightly, though the service done is same.

[Q] Max asks - Your Holiness, you take vibhuti out of thin air and distribute during your darshans. Now that prices are shooting up, can you fetch us some onions instead this season?

[A] Guruji - Son, one must understand that a spiritual guru will not and shall not use his powers to fulfill his disciples’ material desires. Vibhuti or sacred-ash is something spiritualistic, something holy that is food for one’s soul and not for the physical body. Hence Guruji may be using his powers to fetch vibhuti out of cosmic space but will not for fetching onions or petrol. Moreover, holding a kilo of onion will make his holy armpits smelly and heavy compared to a few grams of vibhuti.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, how do you compare deep religious faith and religious fundamentalism?

[A] Guruji - He would compare them like a cracker maker and a bomb manufacturer - Though the basic ingredients used are same, the former only uses them to pollute the environment with some sound and smoke while the latter uses them to blow-off your bottom.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness,  you have done many eternal travels and have been to heaven and hell multiple times. What is the  main difference between life in both these places?

[A] Guruji - Son, the only difference is that in hell banks levy interest on loans and pay interest on savings while in heaven it is the other way.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, are you saying that life on earth is same as in hell?

[A] Guruji - No son, there is one big difference, out there you don’t have to elect someone to eat your own tax money as you are already dead.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now. We shall meet again next week unless the cholesterol gods doesn’t demand Guruji to leave his current incarnation and take birth as a wild boar .

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 17

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples of all spiritual gurus,

Guruji is back in his Ashram, he will address your concerns now, let us get started.

[Q] Mahesh asks  - Your Holiness, a recent global survey says India has more slaves than any other parts of the world. What does it indicate?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, it indicates that we have a bigger voting population than other parts of the world.

[Q] Anonymous asks from Mumbail - Guru, I have spent 12 years in jail for cheating my investors, and have now came out. Now I am a changed individual and want to do something good for the society. Can you please advise me?

[A] Guruji - Son, If you want to do something good for the society, Guruji advise you to take up social service by joining a political party or religious group. This way you will soon get to go back to the jail and that will be the best thing you can do to the society - to stay away from it.

[Q] Sam asks  - Mr. Guruji, recently a spiritual guru had a vision that there is gold underneath a temple and archaeology department is now digging there. Were you ever had such dreams?

[A] Guruji - No son, but he will soon have one, when his paddy fields are coming up for plowing.

[Q] Aruna asks - Guruji, more and more men are turning to getting a ‘face-lift’ with cosmetic surgeries, fairness creams etc. Does that indicate a changing male mindset?

[A] Guruji - No Aruna, it only indicates that men are a lot dumber than you originally thought.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you were not in Ashram last week and hasn’t given us darshan. Were you on a pilgrimage ?

[A] Guruji - No son, he was on a mission to help an aspirant politician who is an ardent disciple of his, to teach him facial yoga techniques to bring more innocence to his otherwise woolfy face, as elections are on the way in his part of the world. However Guruji has failed in this mission and has now sought some direct divine intervention to help him.

[Q] Juhi asks from Juhu - Guruji, why they say diamonds are women's best friends?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, that’s because 'they' are into diamond business.

[Q] Anamika asks - Guruji, I recently broke with my boy friend over a petty fight. Now I repent it and want to get back to him. What is your advice to me?

[A] Guruji - Anamika dear, Guruji’s advise to you is not to use this spiritual forum as an alternative to your kinky, stupid tabloid q&a columns.

[Q] Prem asks - Guruji, right-wing extremism or left-wing extremism more desirable for a society like ours?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a society like ours, water closets for everybody is more desirable.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now as he is feeling lazy on a cool sunday morning to operate the computer any further. See you all next week if his Bangalore airport taxi rides this week don’t take him to the heavens.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 16

Ladies, Gentlemen and Disciples,

Guruji is here with you, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, what keeps you motivated?

[A] Guruji - Son, it’s his deep faith, his belief, his optimism that keeps Guruji motivated to continue with his karma - his faith that one day god will take birth on earth and save mankind from all our perils and agonies by eliminating poverty, inequality and Bangalore motor-bikers.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, for a layman, what is the difference between an astronomy and astrology?

[A] Guruji - It is the same between a dentist and a tooth fairy for a person with dental caries.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Gurudev, I am a successful businessman and also an ardent follower of yours, if your holiness recollect I wiped your holy bottom the maximum during the last looseness season. My problem is, on my way to success and richness, I did many wrong doings, I have bribed many officials to get things done my way, evaded tax, illegally mined raw materials, encroached public land and what not. But now I repent about it and fear about what punishment awaits me when I die?

[A] Guruji - Son, don't worry, continue doing the good deeds you mentioned, especially the wiping part, you may extend it to other needy people such as godmen and politicians too. And as a reward for your services, Guruji shall recommend you posthumously for the post of chairman of Board of Control for Cricket in Hell.

[Q] Amruta asks - Your Holiness, A colleague recently told me that she is 'spiritual but not religious' . What does it mean?

[A] Guruji - Amruta, it means she is drunk but not zonked.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, whenever a movie or a painting or a caricature is published with religious figures being the subject, there will be some or other group coming out demanding “this should be banned because it hurts religious sentiments”. What exactly is religious “sentiments”, why does it get hurt so fast?

[A] Guruji - Kumar, in a deeply religious society like ours, religious sentiment is something almost inborn in every one of us, just like how rhinos have their - ok, let us not talk about rhinos as it might hurt someone's religious sentiments somewhere - bulls have their balls. So you can see that the bull will bellow when someone hurt it’s vitals. 

[Q] Kumar asks - ..but Guruji, my question was about religious sentiments and not bull-vitals..

[A] Guruji - Son, the membrane between them is very thin.

[Q] Chottu asks- Guruji uncle, chicken or egg, which came first and why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, it's chicken that came first, because egg took time to boil, cool and peel.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, even today there are a lot of people who can be fooled with magic-healing and things like that. Who should be held responsible for misleading people in this fashion ? Religions? Spiritual leaders? Politicians? education system?

[A] Guruji - Max son, the one person responsible for all this is mother nature, as she couldn’t keep up with the promise of evolution of human brain.

- End -