Sunday, May 4, 2014

Guruji Speaks; Honestly

Ladies, Gentlemen and Ladymen,

Guruji’s holy bottom has been placed on the dais, all of you have his seasons greetings for this mudslinging season, pray get started with your queries and concerns.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, is it true that Akshaya Tritiya is a day auspicious for buying gold? If so why?

[A] Guruji - Max, it indeed is the most auspicious day to buy jewelry. As per lunar calendar, it is the Tithi of Shukla Paksha in the month of Vaishakha or Baisakha or Boishakh depending on what you are chewing while saying it. In the past it was observed as a good day to start new ventures. In fact Veda Vyasa selected this day to start writing Mahabharata. But in modern India, the day has a slightly different significance. It is the day found suitable to trick people into buying their old stock at higher price by Smartass MallU Gold-merchants LEague or SMUGLE. Also there is a proposal by expert astrologers like Guruji to make every lunar day as Akshaya Tritiya for two reasons 1) Avoid stampede at jewelries 2) We are employed by the said league. Guruji has also done a Prashna and has come up with other auspicious days to buy chicken breasts, undergarments etc as well, for details you may contact his Ashram.

[Q]  Ruchi asks - Guruji, many people add “frankly speaking”, “honestly speaking” etc at times during their conversations. Does that mean they weren't all that frank or honest about whatever they said till then?

[A] Guruji - Dear Ruchi, frankly speaking, you are right. Most people aren't that frank or honest about everything they say or do, which is why we are where we are today.

[Q] Miss R asks - Guruji, I have a male colleague who had been a very good friend all this while. But recently he proposed to me which I politely rejected. Now he is behind me pressing for a reason why I don’t want to marry him. I cannot disclose that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a moody mama-boy who is a cricket-stricken couch potato dork with a Bollywood item-girl as his desktop wallpaper. How do I politely put it across so that it doesn't hurt him, yet convey my decision clearly ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Miss R, this is a question Guruji gets very often, except that the desktop preferences change from person to person, and he recon he had answered it earlier as well. A straight rejection will lead a man to dejection, so you must never do that. Instead, you should indirectly put your point across very politely and respectfully so that he understands you. Here is what you can say - “Jackie, I’m not sure what to say, I'm so touched by you considering me for being your life partner! But deep down in my heart I feel that if I have any such high ambitions of causing the mutation of humanity from it’s current anthropological state, I would prefer marrying a rhesus monkey”. He will get your point, you have Guruji’s assurance.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, why do the government insists that bars and liquor outlets be closed during elections and national days ? Isn't it basic human rights violation by denying one his right to drink?

[A] Guruji - Son, a temporary ban on liquor is not human rights violation, instead the government is helping you to stock enough stuff beforehand so that you avoid last minute rush. And since you can never measure what “enough stuff” means when comes to spirits and spiritually, you would naturally stock excess not to take chances. Thus, statistically, any closure imposed on spirit shops drastically improves the overall weekly sales, which means better customer satisfaction, more taxes and ultimately better infrastructure, better standard of living for the society etc. Guruji is sure you will not attribute a good measure like that to human rights violation hereafter.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, my husband is such a lazy bum...

[Guruji's blog editor] - Sorry to intervene, this forum is strictly for Guruji's disciples, no outsiders - such as his family members - are allowed here..

Ok children, it is time for Guruji to set out on a critical mission, to ensure that peace and international harmony prevails in his drawing room. He will be back here with you same time next week, unless he gets run over by a speeding shopping cart or caught in a stampede at the vegetables section of the grocery store during his mission.

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