Saturday, August 31, 2013

Guruji's column - Speicial Edition

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator] Dear readers, we are happy to announce that the much awaited biography of Guruji is published now! It is titled “A Di-wine Life”, and is already a New York Times bestseller like any other mediocre book. This special edition of Guruji’s column is an extract of the first chapter of this book, about the centuries long transformation of Guruji, from an ordinary medieval man to a renowned spiritual guru of 21st century.

Guruji was born Jayasimhan(name changed, to protect from being caught for crimes committed in his purvashram), in a family of poor peasants in the year 1386 AD,  in the medieval South Indian kingdom of Venad, founded by Rama Varma Kulashekhara in the 14th century and destroyed by State Beverages Corporation in 21st century. Unlike other boys of his village who lived and died feeding cattle and seeding offsprings, Jayasimhan was an ambitious young man. He moved to the then flourishing South Indian city of Vijayanagara at the age of 22, in search of a better life.

Jayasimhan soon became a successful small-time trade advisor to the visiting merchants to Vijayanagara, with his linguistic skills. He could now afford all the small luxuries that we call the “middle class dreams” today - such as a fully mortgaged house, a pair of fully loaned horses, and even have his own small family(not loaned, for a change).  Jayasimhan with his little fortunes was leading a materialistic life like any other city-dwelling middle-class men of those days, enjoying everything that money could buy(for everything else there was Master Card). Then one evening, things changed for him - for ever. A series of incidents took place that evening which made Jayasimhan realize he is no ordinary human being, but a chosen one whose destiny is to protect the needy and poor - from themselves mainly. It all happened thus..

Jayasimhan was spending an evening with his friends, drinking and listening to a blaring noise (which his friends always mistook for music) in a Madhushala. Jayasimhan suddenly got up and made a revelation that a poem will be written on this place in 20th century and the poet's son will become a famous performing artist in the same century, but will face the wrath of the gods in Indraprastha, and  will be cursed to earn a living in 21st century by selling noodles, nappies or anything that comes his way. Jayasimhan began to realize that something is changing in him, but at that time he attributed it to the brew and went on. Couple of hours later, the second revelation happened thus - Jayasimhan heard a telepathic voice, that he recognized as his spouse’s. The voice was asking if he will be coming home for dinner. When responding non-committally, Jayasimhan expected a weep, a beseech to come back or minimum a deep exhale as one would from any medieval Sati/Savitri. Instead  the response was - “If coming, get a cup of yogurt on the way, rice and pickle are kept on the table.  And I am going to sleep, so don’t ring the bell, use your spare key”. Jayasimhan with this new telepathic powers also understood that the world is not the same anymore, it is changing and is becoming dangerously materialistic, he ought to do something, else in a couple of centuries, curd-rice will become a way of life and also that this world will become Satan's dark abyss with religions, rapists and radio jockeys ruling it.

Jayasimhan then quickly left the Madhushaala and rode his horse home, with an agitated mind, he had only two things in mind now ; firstly, how to save the world, and secondly get yogurt before shops close. On the way, he was confronted by evil forces who were determined to stop him. Jayasimhan  was caught by the city guards, who accused him of riding a horse under influence. He told them that he was within the BAC limits of Vijayanagara,and that the horse after all isn’t drunk. But the guards argued that it has got just the horsepowers, and the tack and alcohol smell is with the rider. Jayasimhan started realizing the need for a new social order, an awakened society, where the rich and powerful cannot stop and torture innocent souls anywhere, anytime they want.

Though he was advised by bystanders to follow the Vijayanagara tradition, tip the guards and save himself, Jayasimhan had decided to fight for justice. He took out the sword, cut his index finger, collected few drops of blood and sent it to the palace hospital for tests. Hours passed, and it was the guards who were now caught off guard. They somehow wanted to put an end to the bloodshed and go home. They set Jayasimhan free and pleaded him to leave, he however was determined to prove his innocence. So intense was his desire to fight for justice that if Kafka was present there at that time, he would have renamed Josef K to Jayasimhan K with immediate effect. Well past mid-night, the results came out negative and the guards had to let him go or rather he let them go.

Jayasimhan came home as a new individual,one who is not only righteous but also having prognostication and telepathic powers,  though he had to settle for rice and pickle that evening. Jayasimhan silently said goodbye to his sleeping spouse and child, went to the veranda, sat below a ceiling fan(he avoided a tree, so that history won't repeat) and went into a deep meditation in search of truth, that lasted for few centuries. He was awakened, as an enlightened one, on a Śrāvaṇa Sunday morning in 2013 AD, entered into his new incarnation as a spiritual guru under the name His Holiness Poojya Shri-Shrimat-Shrimaha Guruji Maharaj, or simply Guruji  to his more impatient disciples. He had some hot idliy-sambar-tea combo and started his journey as a spiritual mentor to the society, fighting for justice and peace wherever they were denied, using his spiritual powers and knowledge. His mission today is to save the poor and needy from the attacks of evil forces such as news-anchors, auto drivers, spouses, Bollywood, fashion designers, tabloids, street dogs etc etc..

[Guruji’s Blog Administrator] The weekly "Dialogues with Guruji" column will be published tomorrow..

No comments:

Post a Comment