Sunday, September 1, 2013

Guruji's Column - Part 11

Guruji's disciples, ladies and gentlemen,

Guruji is here with you now, as none of his molestation, land grabbing, cheating cases are up for hearing today. Let us get started.

[Q] Gurpreet from Patiala asks - Guruji, they say men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Is it true? if not where are they from?

[A] Guruji - Gurpreet, this is just a metaphor used by some authors to depict the psychological differences between men and women. In real life this is not true. The truth is that men are from sales and women are from marketing.

[Q] Shaila asks from Mysore - Guruji, we are constructing  a new house soon. Where should it be facing?

[A] Guruji - Shaila, it should be soon facing sand shortage.

[Q] Mathew asks from Bangalore - Guruji, what is the difference between a hooch and a microbrewery?

[A] Guruji -  Mathew, only that the latter tear your pocket but spare your eyesight.

[Q] Keerthi asks from Singapore - Your Holiness, I am a 28 yr old, good-looking, successful, single, HR professional. My problem is that all my male colleagues are nuts who are trying to flirt with me by greeting me or smiling at me when meeting face to face. What should I do in this situation?

[A] Guruji - Keerthi dear, if someone known to you greet you or smile at you, it shouldn’t be interpreted as flirting - unless both of the above are followed by a wink, an attempted physical contact or the guy is a middle-aged frastru. Biologically, a normal man hanker for a woman when his brain recognizes her as someone who can bear his offsprings. Guruji assure you that your male colleagues are not trying to flirt with you but just trying to be cordial, because none of them - unless they are real nuts  - want to have you with this kind of a haughty, egoistic attitude bare their children.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I just came to know that my fiancé is a karate expert when she demonstrated a knife-hand strike to me. Can you read her mind and tell me what she meant by this demo please?

[A] Guruji -  Son, as he mentioned in this space before, Guruji will not use his extrasensory powers to infringe into somebody’s privacy, unless of course it gives him sensual or monetary satisfactions. But he will spare some of his commonsensical powers here to help you; she was giving you a sneak preview; into the times ahead. 

[Q] Sanjay asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, I am a sales executive in a multi-national company. My problem is my numskull supervisor. He thinks I don’t provide him any information timely and constantly harass me on this in review meetings. I am highly demotivated to work now, what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, managers feel their subordinates are withholding information from them when they are not copied in the e-mails exchanged with customers. So hereafter, always forward any e-mails exchanged with your customers to your manager as well, with a note - “F.Y.I”, managers (globally) think this stands for “For Your Information”, but the real expansion of it is - “F#&k You Idiot”. Guruji guarantee that you will become such a motivated person that you will wait for an opportunity to keep your manager “informed” and thus happy.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he is shifting his ashram to another city for few months because of his decreasing number of disciples and increasing number of creditors here. However he will continue to converse with you as he is omnipresent, wherever there is data network he mean.


  1. This one is falling off the mark slightly, compared to previous entries. Guess Guruji has performance issues too :)

  2. Your Guruji is making too much sense! Must be a fake :p

  3. Abhra, Guruji is at his wit's end, that could be the reason.

    Purba, Guruji will address this allegation in his next weekly column.