Saturday, July 13, 2013

Guru's column - Part 4

Ladies, Gentlemen and Guruji’s followers,

Guruji was on a visit to few European countries, invited by the heads of states there to seek his advice on tackling the civil unrest arising in their countries due to the worsening economic situation. Guruji had asked them to increase the beer production to put the unrest to rest, and he will be busy next week visiting the breweries to check stock, and product quality of course. He will hence answer your questions right away.

[Q]  Maneka asks from Punjab - Guruji, I am a strict vegetarian. Will it guarantee me a place in heaven when I die?

[A] Guruji - Maneka dear , No. It won’t. Guruji has doubts on whether the wealth that you amassed to afford eating vegetables every day in this country is all gained through legitimate means or not. Prove him wrong, we can discuss this topic further.

[Q] Jai from Indore asks - Guruji, I’m a college student, I’m looking for Yoga techniques that I can practice during Poetry classes that can keep me awake.

[A] Guruji - Son, the easiest approach to be awake during poetry lectures is to get a Bollywood heroine as lecturer. Of course thats not a very practical solution as poetry cannot be taught by throwing flesh around.  You could also practice Guruji’s (patent pending) Bakabak-asana yoga. It was originally meant for Guruji’s disciples, to practice during his sermons. Good thing about this yoga is that it can be practiced without five-star lawns or spleen-exposing clothing, you just need a couple of people in similar situation around. To know more about it, enroll at the Ashram’s Yoga classes, those enrolling this week will be eligible for a “buy ONE get nONE free!” offer as well.

[Q] Karan asks from Karanpur - Guruji, I recently watched a Bollywood movie in which the heroine repeatedly sings “I Want Fakht You, I Want Fakht You”. What does it mean?

[A] Guruji - Son, Firstly, Guruji is not very sure why the Fakht are you asking this question to your spiritual guru. Secondly, if you are a person watching such Fakht-up movies, just a soul search should get you the answer.

[Q] Sajeed asks from Jaipur - Guruji, a lot of advertisements these days talk about products that are ‘scientifically proven’. What is science? When is something considered scientifically proven?

[A] Guruji - Son, science is nothing but simple things explained with complicated words twisted around. For example, ‘moving your bottom’ will be scientifically explained with Newton’s first law of motion like this -”When viewed in an inertial reference frame, an object either is at rest or moves at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by a force”. Now Newton scientifically proved it, by taking some rest, until his mom acted upon it by forcing him to go get some milk. If you are in this situation, your hypothesis that you are busy(taking rest) don’t stand scientifically proven because your mom won't be viewing you from an “inertial reference frame” while Newton’s hypothesis will, because his mom got the milk when applied force. Science is all about results my son!

[Q] Shree from Srinagar asks - Guruji, why are the questions in normal font while your answers are all bold?

[A] Guruji - Shree dear, a spiritual guru needs to be bold enough to be a sham.

[Q] Savita from Mysore asks - Guruji, they say that “Marriages are made in heaven”. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Dear Savita, heaven is something that you as an individual perceive eternal. In your definition if a hot, congested and overcrowded place between a bunch of video cameras and blinding fluorescent lights is perceived heaven, yes marriages are made in heaven.

Ok children, time for Guruji to go, he will be back next week and address you, till then, Cheers! ..he mean his blessings to you all.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious post - can't stop laughing.