Why nobody thought about this earlier?

The Bahujan Samaj Party(BSP) believes that Meira Kumar was made Speaker of the Lok-Sabha just to keep her away from people, and also that, in this position she will not be able to do anything for the welfare of her community according to this news report

Since I’m also equally ignorant on the Constitution and the above constitutional positions like the BSP, I agree with them, we shouldn’t appoint people from any type of minorities to such toothless and sluggish roles because that will hamper the uplifting of the community they belong to. However, we don’t have to abolish these positions, we can effectively use it for handling terrorists and mafia - catch hold of all their masterminds and appoint them at these posts, since they cannot do anything from there for their ‘community’(the terror-groups and Mafiosi I mean), the community itself will soon die without leadership. We don’t have to spend those millions on intelligence, arms and ammunition also. Yes! I think I’ve found a solution to all our problems! Thanks Team-BSP, you are welcome to join my government whenever I form one, let’s build a new nation together; one full of statues.

Intra-racial racism

Racial problems are still haunting us Indians, I think it's becoming the second biggest social issue; after reality shows. What concerns me is that the racial attacks are taking new dimensions - with Indians starting to racially abuse their own countrymen and countrywomen. The first known victim of this intra-continental racism is a VVIP who complained about it in an international conference on water resources. He says people from other parts of India racially abuse him by asking whether he is an Indian. You might be wondering how that is racist, my question is not only that, I also want to know what’s the connection between water problems and racism - unless of course the water in discussion here is of a different ‘spiritual’ level altogether.

Whatever that is, the point is that whether enquiring about somebody’s nativity/nationality is racial abuse. Even if you agree with those who think it is, the question that remains is whether an Indian asking another fellow Indian his/her nationality can be racial or not. Now that a lawmaker himself says it is, I got to agree. Now I remember, a cab driver in Delhi once asked me whether I was from the south. The cabbie got away with that since I was not this informed a person at that time. Else I could have dragged him to the nearest police station and would have ended up bribing the cops for getting both of us out.

Be careful - is what I want to say to my readers. Hereafter if you meet a person and want to check on his/her nationality because you cannot deduce it due to the artificial hair color or the made up English accent or both, don’t inquire on the nationality directly, you can get into trouble because that’s a racist question. Instead, – supposing the person is from Nepal - ask “Are you related to Madhav Nepal”. Since this is a family related question, it cannot be racial. If it’s a Nepali woman whom you are trying to ‘nationalize’ without hurting her racial sentiments, ask whether she is related to Manisha Koirala, she may even buy you a coffee, let alone being upset about racial abuse. Now, if the person looks like having a Dravidian origin, you can check on their kinship with Rahul Dravid and if that sounds too stupid, ask about his/her favourite dish/film star, you will get some clue easily.

This intra-subcontinental racism brings in administrative problems as well, compared to its inter-national equivalents. Because currently there is no ministry in-charge of ‘highly condemning’ these domestic racial abuses. Hitherto we only had trans-national racism; hence we had that job split between ministries of External and Overseas Indian affairs, depending on who grabs the mike first. The National Human-Rights Commission that we have itself is violating human rights(as reported here ), so no hope there. I recommend setting up a Ministry of Racial Abuses, that way couple of more coalition partners can be bought without horse trading as well.

Before I take leave, I’ll leave you with a question – The question is whether a person buying a fairness cream/ hair color is racially abusing herself/himself as well, because essentially what he/she is stating is that dark skin/hair is bad and is trying to become fair-skinned, fair-haired, harebrained etc, isn’t that racist too?

Reincarnations revealed

Those who are hungry for some real news, I mean other than the usual murky stuff like recession, sarkozy, burqa, Barkha, bakra etc, here is some solid meat(ok, paneer if you are veggie) - a researcher has found that "Gandhi has been reborn, and his name in the current incarnation is Van Jones" .

According to the said researcher, Dr.APJ Abdul Kalam was Tipu Sultan as well. Though the write-up don’t say how he deduced that except for the rocketry connection, I think he is right because there are a lot of similarities between the two if you look closely. Both are men - which also means both are not women and children, both are connected to Bangalore airport(Dr.Kalam worked @HAL,ADE near old Bangalore airport, Sultan was born @Devanahalli, near new Bangalore airport), both are connected to weapons, both became heads of states…now if somebody confirm about the Sultan’s hairstyle as well, the hypothesis can be proclaimed completely accurate.

Hang on…I have a feeling I was Abraham Lincoln. Here is why - both of us agree slavery is a bad thing, both our first names don’t start with Z, both of us got a mouth exactly below the nose, gosh! Lot of similarities, so hereafter address me Mr. President, else I’ll ask my ghost to spook you, even if you live outside the Whitehouse.

What if the fence starts eating the crops?

The national human rights commission has been fined by the court for doing human rights violation . I’m worried now because we also have national commissions for Women, Child welfare etc as well.

Essential Indian middleclass vacation planner

If you ask what is the fastest growing organic structure in the world, even Bush will answer that it is The Indian Urban Middleclass. There are a lot of challenges that new members of this fast growing class face due to lack of awareness - on middleclass etiquettes, middleclass social behavior, middleclass purchasing power/limits etc. One such issue is how to plan and execute a yearly vacation that was hitherto a privilege of only the upper class in India. This post is a comprehensive vacation planner that can be used by anybody who is an urban Indian middleclass family head(gender could be anything), on how to plan and execute an annual vacation successfully, because studies show that many Indian urban middleclass vacations get spoiled due to lack of planning.

First challenge is finding an agreed upon location with your spouse(Kids will be ok with any place, as long as they don’t have to do home works there). Fortunately, India is an incredible(Antonym - credible) country with a large number of choices and you got Goa, Shimla and Kerala to choose from. Now remember, you are still middleclass and all the above are becoming unaffordable for middleclass, shortlist all hill stations and seashores that are at a drivable distance and come up in Google search. One thing to remember here is that this is not that annual pilgrimage that you used to go with your parents in childhood, so don’t chose the nearest temple-town as your parents used to do, choose a place where you can relax and enjoy the crowd, pollution, bad food etc.

Next, narrow down to two choices by conducting a lunch time exit-poll among your office friends. Once you got the choices, submit it for spousal approval (always submit two choices, anything below that will make you a victim of domestic violence and anything above an indecisive person), he or she will again repeat the exit poll in his or her friends circles and come back with two other places, go for any one that he/she choose for two reasons 1) laws on domestic violence 2) If the place turn out to be a disaster, you know exactly whom to blame – the government for making laws on domestic violence.

Next, start on the logistics such as finding accommodation, transportation. The best way to find a middleclass accommodation is to look upward, I mean look at what the rich are doing, because psychologically, middleclass think they are at par with the rich, so even if it costs you an additional couple of thousand bucks, go for a place that promises a ‘spa’*, swimming pool, a gym, a bar and couple of restaurants; again most of these are virtual-realty, just to give you a psychological feel-good factor for the money you are paying, most of them will be dysfunctional in actual-reality.

Call up the resort/hotel identified, it will be booked fully for the next 999 years by the rest of the middleclass, so you have two choices now 1) Choose an alternate holiday spot and repeat the process 2) Settle down for a not so up market, yet minimalist place. Go for choice 2 as the holiday season is just few weeks away. Ensure that the following are available in the place booked 1) A room with 4 walls and one roof, one floor 2) A bathroom with same number of walls, roofs and floors 3) A TV and cot 4) A socket for mosquito repellent 5) AC and fan. Note that both AC and fan are necessary as the AC will never work and in the likely event of your trip not going well, you can take all your frustration on the hotel staff on this, your spouse and kids will be spared.

Next on the travel. Though you would be tempted to hire an MUV, it’s much safer to take your own car out for the very reason that these MUVs come with in-built device drivers who just returned from another trip and had not been sleeping for the last 48 hours and chances are that you will become a page 3 celebrity in next day’s papers, along with the wreckage of the MUV. For driving guidelines, read this post.Keep a print of Google map of the route, will be useful to wipe your hands after food on your way. For directions, ask people at every junction, who will direct you to other people who know the directions.

Before any vacation, ensure that you have an overall awareness on the various attractions at the place, which will typically involve a supposed to be ancient temple/fort, a waterfall, a dam and a pathetically maintained park, couple of dirty beaches/lakes etc. There will be excellent websites detailing the attractions, read them couple of times and draw a daily plan, because that’s one activity you will enjoy in this trip(I mean working out a plan, not executing it).

Now you are all set to go. Buy and keep some snacks, aerated drinks etc a day in advance, make sure you forget to carry them because you won’t want to reach your holiday spot with a bad stomach. Another essential middleclass vacation equipment is a digital camera, (don’t carry your old video cameras, you are not going to use them) because a middleclass vacation is not about enjoying places, it’s about the snaps you take that will make you feel like being the best photographer in the world.

Always start your vacation journey early morning, because then you will have enough time to stop at every junction for directions and still reach the place by evening. Also studies have proven that driving at day time is safer in Indian roads as potholes become blackholes at night and will absorb your car, unless you are travelling at a speed higher than escape velocity. Ensure you carry water from home, because again there are studies that shows bottled water is harmful to health, especially when they are duplicates(imitations) of known brands.

Now after reaching the hotel, first thing to do is ignore your daily plan, check with the hotel staff on the places around. They will give you which ones are suitable for visit during which season, go ahead, choose them and re-adjust all your daily plans accordingly and execute. Execution is a simple process – reach the spot, click snaps, start back. Ensure your kids are safe, it’s not their fault that you chose to spoil their entire week in the name of a vacation. At the end of the trip, return back, no special advice/guidance needed here because I’m already tired with this post. Go ahead, enjoy your vacation!


* Author is ignorant on what exactly this thing is, but it’s a mandatory middleclass vacation doodad.

Few racial attacks that went unnoticed

Throughout the world, Indians continue to be the most racially vulnerable community with more and more fresh attacks getting reported every day against our people and we Indian bloggers cannot just sit and watch, we got to react and try to expose any such incidents so that the governments take notice of the heinous and cowardly acts. Here are few such incidents that went unnoticed because our fourth and fifth estates are now wining and dining with Shiney Ahuja.

1) From England

Victims are a group of youngsters who went to England on a study tour on how to play cricket. They had been targeted and brutally attacked by racists from all over the Commonwealth as reported here, here , and here . They are now being airlifted back to India for advanced medical treatments that will be starting with a therapy called Media Analysis and Diagnosis or M.A.D.

2) From Israel

In yet another incident of racial discrimination against Indians, Israeli soldiers pressed the ‘kumkum’ mark on the forehead of a married Indian woman touring their country three times thinking it was a ‘trigger for a bomb’. That explains why innocent Palestinian women and children get bombed by Israeli fighter jets constantly - their noses look exactly like the tip of anti-ballistic missiles placed inside their heads. There are also unconfirmed reports that this is not an act of racism but the soldiers were acting under the influence of a Bollywood movie they saw, in which the heroine was a bomb and upon ki pressing the forehead she exploded with an item-number.

3) From USA

The next one in my opinion is the mother of all the racial attacks because they are now hurting our linguistic sentiments, the biggest of all our sentiments; after religious I mean. A Texas based company called Global Language Monitor announced that ‘Web 2.0’ is the one millionth word to be added to the English language, and not words of Indian origin ‘Jai Ho’ or 'Slumdog'. Whoever awarded the ownership of English language to the said company better rethink I say.

What surprises me is the ineptness shown by our government in handling these issues. It’s high time we summon High-commissioners/Ambassadors of all these countries and convey clearly that if their governments don’t take necessary actions to stop these attacks, we will be forced to impose sanctions against them by conducing International Bollywood Movie Festivals or IPL matches in those countries.

Health is wealth*

One of the biggest threats that urban Indian middleclass face today (until they come across tiffin-boxes kept on bicycles) is their ever deteriorating health due to a myriad of factors like work habits, lifestyle, liberalization, cholesterol, UB, TV etc. In the past people were occupationally either men who worked hard in the fields while their women cooked food and fostered children or were women who worked, cooked, fostered children and died while their men drank and gambled and hence many of the health hazards such as Diabetics, Hypercholesterolemia, Cardiac problems were unknown to our forefathers and foremothers.

This points to why getting comprehensive health checkups done is important for those who are urban, fat-flattened, petty bourgeoisie men, women and computer professionals who are crossing their half-life period, something they never do just because they have reservations on sparing their Saturdays for anything other than the TV and/or their excremental output with anybody other than a septic tank. They are simply wrong because a comprehensive health checkup is a painless, effortless process and my advice is do get it done to achieve that self-realization, I mean anatomical. For those who are still playing Doubting-Thomas, here is how that simple process goes.

1. Fix an appointment few days in advance to avoid waiting in long queues, these days there are too many cooking-oil commercials in TV to make people more health conscious.


2. Reach the hospital early morning with an empty stomach because they cannot see into your body through a full cup of cereals or upma. Also, your appointment of the previous step doesn’t matter; it’s an early bird process, without the worms but.


3. Enroll yourself and sign the agreement that says you are willing to share any solid/liquid exertion that your body is capable of producing with whosoever it may be a concern.


4. Choose a suitable comprehensive health check package. If you are not sure, the receptionist will recommend one based your physiology and T-shirt brand, accept it and pay, don’t question because it’s not their fault that you don’t look like a Bollywood Chest-nut but a 60 year old chimp that just ate a full jackfruit.


5. Wait for your turn, upon invitation walk briskly towards the sample collection desk. Don’t panic, they are not going to unclothe you in public and extract body fluids and solids. Even if they do so there will be a half door that will help hiding your head (the ostrich strategy, it works)


6. They will only suck your blood out there and for the rest you can help yourself in the privacy of a rest room, again with a half door. Don’t hesitate, do as instructed; remember, you have signed the contract; any violation can now put you behind bars, or even pubs


7. Now go have some food, and get ready for a second round of bodily waste sharing exercise. Don’t worry, this wont happen, though you might feel like doing so after the hospital canteen food. They will only suck your blood the second time, because by now they have realized that it’s all in your blood.


8. Now you will be pushed through a series of dental, mental, ophthalmic, cardiac check-ups depending on the number of different organs that you have, and will also be asked irrelevant questions to keep you entertained.


9. Wait for couple of hours for the final report to come, various entertainment facilities will be provided, like a TV running muted bollywood music, which will make you feel like you are watching a butcher shop with full of fresh flesh dangling around.


10. Finally the physician call you and declare that you are a dreaded bio-terrorist carrying life threatening ammunition like bad cholesterol, bad sugar, bad habits etc. But don’t worry, the physician will also advice you that the hospital has got specialization in each of your problem areas and can have a further detailed organ level checkup at the cost of Rs.9999 only per organ. That’s all, you are done with, I mean done with the comprehensive health checkup.


11. Walk out confidently, now you are a self realized person, start eating green leaves, grass, tree bark and whatever comes on your way that none of your senses can ever detect what it is; by next checkup, you will as fit as a lion. Ok, at least a lion-tailed macaque for sure.
    

Now you will all agree with me that getting a comprehensive health checkup done is as simple a process as getting a haircut, the only minor difference could be that you will never get your head cut during haircuts.

* For the hospitals I mean.

Crown Gods

I can somewhat understand mixed colleges taking such measures so that boys spend more time with the text books than counting jeans. But the question of can’t they count sarees/salwars is a too logical one, we won’t answer.

I’m convinced. Gods do exist and they take long naps too. Else this man would have been smacked by the gods on the spot for trying to bribe them.

Socialism

For the past few days we are hearing the word ‘socialite’ in our print and visual tabloids and chances are that many people will misinterpret this for a political science term called ‘socialist’. Here is a short poem that addresses the difference between the two. Why I wrote it as a poem is because it can then also be used as a nursery rhyme. This is my poetic debut as well (means the worse is yet to come) and is written in a new poetic form called ‘Molested Closed Couplet’. It’s also an open source poem; you can add verses and/or copy them, you will never be called a plagiarist, it’s the message that matter here, not the messenger.

Socialites wear Prada
Socialists wear Kurta

Socialites have parties for fun
Socialists have parties for fund

Socialites wear big goggles
Socialists were big boggles

Socialists wither wealth
Socialites blather filth

Socialites smooch each other
Socialists scorch each other

Socialists deprive democracy
Socialites thrive hypocrisy

Socialites hail flamboyance
Socialists spoil finance

Socialists are traffic jams
Socialites traffic gems

……

Eternal bribery

One political party in Goa says their opponents have ‘bribed’ gods to win elections. I’m curious to know whether this actually worked and whether the gods helped those who paid, because I can then go out and whack all those anarchic, immoral, atheist m*rons who are trying to convince us that there is no such thing as god.

Diplomatic measures

Opposition in India says the so called racial attacks towards young Indians in Australia can be stopped by sending young MPs from India there. Though its not entirely clear from the report what the young MPs should do there to stop the racial attacks, I have a feeling it’s a good idea for two reasons - 1) Majority of the young MPs are from the ruling side 2) They can be mistaken for Indian students.

In science we trust

Welcome back. Now that dust is settled - and mudslinging has started - with two of my favourite subjects – IPL*, this week I will analyze things that are happening in my other area of interest – scientific inventions, innovations and discoveries. We will look at few ground breaking discoveries that happened in recent past that couldn’t reach a larger section of humanity because of not being mentioned in popular news-analysis column like this blog**.

What I really like about scientists and researchers is that given a chance they will study and discover anything, including the fact that men will enjoy watching videos of hot women anytime, even while they are making important decisions on soda, candy, money etc. I’ve no doubt the discovery is a ground breaking one, except that I would add peanuts to that list of important things.

Here is another example - According to this study, women use more active head motion when conversing with each other than men use when they talk with each other. Now some of you – especially those with poor scientific outlook - might ask how this discovery will be useful to humankind. I would say the benefits are multifold. For example, it is now possible for us to find out whether we are talking to a man or a woman just by looking at their head movements. Had this been known earlier, such catastrophes could have been avoided.

The next research finding that I would like to bring your attention to is one that breaks all conventional theories on human evolution; again is on the same subject of men and women. Btw, from my observation, this is the biggest subject of study for researches after pathology. Pathology leads only because they use mice and guinea pigs as subjects of study, the only two species that can yield more useful and reliable results. Back to the subject. A study done recently shows that Women are not so picky when comes to choosing a mate. Very true. If they were, I’m sure human species would have been long extinct and somebody would have been riding on our fossil fuel by now.

Here is another snippet from the academic world - Panjab University is changing the name of Department of English to Department of English and Cultural Studies. Very good move indeed, of late the academia is noticing that those who get educated only in English take up jobs with TV news channels and are suffering from a syndrome known as ‘Severe Underexposure to Cultural Knowledge’(Abbreviate for convenience) which the university thinks can be eradicated through such cultural name changes.

But for me, none of the above qualify to be the most remarkable discovery in recent times, it’s that many of the scientific discoveries are fake. But I would say this one sure is not one of them.

* P for Cricket and Politics
** Current readership: 0000001

Preserve our culture, values and politicking

I always admire anybody who goes that extra mile to preserve our culture, languages, traditions, values etc, even if that means beating up helpless girls or destroying public property. Here is something that made me happy this morning - The state of Tamil Nadu is presenting Free gold ring for babies with Tamil names.Now those of you who wonder what qualifies to be a 'Tamil' name, here is the answer - the scheme was inaugurated by the deputy chief minister of the state, Mr. Stalin.

AWACS

Happy to know that we bought Israeli Phalcon Airborne Early Warning and Control Systems(AWACS) fitted on top of Russian planes, capable of tracking down incoming missiles and ‘peep into’ neighbouring countries without breaking their compound walls. According to experts, this move puts us ahead by around 15 – 20 years in military technology - because AWACS was invented around that many years back. 

Also, it’s good to know you can peep into somebody’s privacy as long as you got the required doodads.