Friday, March 20, 2009

Confusio Linguarum – Hyperspeech protocols

…And the news continues…so is this self-syndicated column that looks into the various socio-economic aspects of news that breaks into our drawing rooms every day via the various modern day communication channels like TV, internet, SMS etc as well as through the more traditional channels such as newspapers, bais, auntijis etc. Starting this week, I’ve decided to give a permanent name to my column - ‘Confusio Linguarum’ (roughly translates to Verbal Gastroenteritis in medical terms). Here is an analysis of few important(according to me) events that happened last week which could potentially change your life forever; even if you are not married.

The biggest news for me last week was that IBM’s research scientists in India have developed something called HSTP - stands for Hyperspeech Transfer Protocol and not High Speed Traffic Problems as you thought wrongly. For me the term ‘Hyperspeech’ sounded very interesting, especially because my online dictionary says ‘hyper’ means “behaving in an overexcited or hyperactive way”, ”easily excited, or having a high-strung temperament” etc. I thought it has something to do with the upcoming Parliament elections and started digging more into it – to see whether there are going to be protocols put in place that stops our politicians from spreading the medical condition mentioned earlier. Unfortunately, it’s not about that, an IBM paper defines “Hyperspeech” as “a voice fragment in a voice application that is a hyperlink to a voice fragment in another voice application.”. Now whatever that means, I think it has far reaching consequences, especially because you and I don’t understand it at the moment, exactly the same situation we were in when we first heard - Hypertext Transfer Protocol, Kyoto protocol etc.

The second biggest news of course is the security concern that looms over IPL like Billy Bowden’s crooked finger. But I’ll skip that since it’s an issue of national security(that bollywood-barbies are controlling cricket these days) and move on to another important news that came out last week - an insurance company’s research shows that “Mothers work 40 percent harder than fathers”. Now that is news with far reaching consequences. At last one company is accepting watching TV, reading newspaper etc are essential domestic duties. That 40 percent sure will be a huge morale booster for existing fathers to perform more on those lines and aspirants to become one as well.

Last but not the least - news on the impact of recession on various industries. I would say this sure needs attention of more expert syndicated columnists who can recommend how to save the affected industry, a not so knowledgeable ones like myself can only recommend a government bailout plan because I know such measures sure won’t help. Another important news item for the week was that we now have somebody officially titled “Mrs. India”. Congratulations to the winner. My only request to the organizers of this show is that, though we all understand what you actually meant by that title, I recommend you change it to…say something like “Married Indian woman of the year” etc so that it sounds a little less offensive?

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