Guruji's Column - Part 20

Ladies,Gentleman and Policy-makers,

Guruji is on his way to lay foundation stone for the world's tallest politically motivated statue, made in a country that spends more money on VIP security than primary education. He is now ready to take your queries through his in-flight internet channel.

[Q] Dolly asks - Guruji, my husband and I are married for about six months now, our physical relationship hasn't picked up yet, as my husband says he is not ‘motivated enough’ to go for it . Is there any yoga technique that can help him?

[A] Guruji - Dear Dolly, your husband can practice Guruji’s patented "Samay Yoga". The yoga technique itself is very simple and easy to practice and there is no better ways to evoke one’s sensual senses. Here is the method - Every day morning, he must take a good bath in cold water, then have a glass of cold milk or ice tea. He must then sit in a room with good air circulation in a meditative half-lotus posture, facing west as that is the direction of planetary motions that influences your sensual feelings. Take a deep breath to increase his blood-oxygen levels and for the next 45 minutes read Times Of India. Repeat this for a week and he will not only start performing like a breeder bull, but also will start looking like one.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Guruji, I’m the same person who spoke to you last week, the prime minister of the third world country. Your advice on the onion prices helped me to stay put, but now tomato prices have gone up and opposition is after me again. Can I apply the same job reservation technique here as well?

[A] Guruji - Son, you must understand one thing, that Guruji’s advices should not be treated like grandpa's underpants i.e in a one-size-fits-all fashion. Onion-strategy Guruji recommended will work only on onions. As tomatoes are perishable, they are like your country’s political leadership - become rotten and useless in no time. They won't even stay till you pass the reservation bill in your parliament. Hence Guruji advise you to be silent for a week(which he knows you are very good at), fresh tomatoes will be back in the market and the equally perishable memory of your voters will be back to normal as well. For your opposition, Guruji will keep them busy building tall statues that he made them believe is the best bet solution to win the next election.

[Q] Shaila asks - Guruji, my company always tells us in management trainings to have a ‘work-life balance’. Yet they make us slog like dung-beetles, work even on weekends etc. Isn’t this unethical of the company not to practice what they preach?

[A] Guruji - Dear Shaila, not at all. Your company is not unethical here for two reasons - One,  “work-life balance” is a short description of the statement “Work! Life? that you Balance somehow”. If you take that statement in it’s entirety, your company is right. Secondly,breeding dung beetles is not illegitimate business.Moreover, they are  paying good donations to gold-plate Gurujis ashram walls this year.

[Q] Amit asks - Gurudev, I am a successful investment banker, living in New York. I have acquired a good amount of wealth  with my job plus doing private investments in parallel and is leading a reasonably happy life. But after attending your sermons regularly, I feel I should take up a more spiritual path in life and become a spiritual guru or guide myself. I would like to ask you whether celibacy a must for this, or can I still have my spouse when I get into the spiritual life?

[A] Guruji - Son, to take up spiritual path and become a spiritual master, one must cut all her/his earthly links and hence it is necessary that you leave your spouse. Remember what our great gurus and sages have taught us - “He who is off for a feast need no lunchbox to be carried along”.

OK children, time for Guruji to leave as his flight is about to land and the pilot insists that all telecommunication devices be switched off for he needs the entire internet bandwidth to Google how to land a plane. Guruji will meet you again next week if the pilot manages to find the answer.

Guruji's Column - Part 19

Hello everybody,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, you may now start asking your questions.

[Q] Kareena asks - Guruji, why do they have a semi/nearly nude woman in all kinds of advertisements these days including men’s wear. Isn’t it wrong to seek cheap ways to get attention?

[A] Guruji - Dear Kareena, you must understand that the advertisers are not seeking easy attention by having the semi/nearly nude women, as that could be achieved even by having a peeing dog or a pant-hooting chimp. In the world of ads, the most catchy are those which makes you think. The attireless lady has the unique power to throw some food for thought for everybody who comes across the ad. For example, all the men who see the picture will start thinking “Man..if I ever get her, where should I start from?”, all the women who see it would think “Bitch got some thick skin, but nice figure. How is she managing it?” while all the gender-neutral people(who usually make such advertisements) would start thinking why they are what they are. To tell you the truth dear, it even makes your pet dog think this way “Lots of flesh, but how come no smell? must be fake..let me move on..Woof..woof”.

[Q] K asks - Guruji, I am a social servant and member of parliament associated with a third world country. I have been working in my rural constituency trying to improve civic amenities and help the underprivileged class in improving healthcare, sanitation, primary education and things like that. But I have no way of getting things improved due to not getting funds allocated, poor support from bureaucracy and also the large population. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son K, by seeking Guruj's advice you have done the right thing. Stop everything that you are doing right now, instead seek funds to construct statutes of political leaders who are either dead, alive or in a state in between.

[Q] K asks - But Guruji, how can a statue..

[A] Guruji - Son, Guruji recently got an enlightenment that the one stop solution to all the problems faced by a country of airheaded voters and taxpayers (which Guruji presume yours is one, from your description) is to spend few millions and build statues of leaders all around. The taller the statue, the better the results. No more poverty, lack of infrastructure, healthcare issues will haunt your country once the statues are unveiled. Care must be taken to not build it with having a handbag, which is an inauspicious article. A leader who followed Guruji's advice and built statues in another country lost her elections just because she built them all with the said bag. So go start grabbing land for it right away. You have Guruji’s assurance that this feat will make you even win a presidential or prime ministerial election as well.

[Q] Max asks -  Guruji, religions teach us that god is omnipresent, then why we have to go to religious shrines, pay donations or contributions to pray to god?

[A] Guruji - Son, though the atmosphere is full of air, you go to the fuel station, pay 10 rupees to the assistant and fill air(which they have written as ‘free air’)  in your car tyres. It is the same basic principle - god or air, business is business and it runs only on money.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Your Holiness, I am the Prime Minister of a highly populous third world country. I must admit that I am not a follower of yours as in our highly disciplined party, we are allowed to only follow the party president, the president's family members and pets. Coming to my problem, recently onion prices went up in our country and the opposition is now after my resignation saying its all because I don’t know my onions. How can I handle this situation?

[A] Guruji - Son, this is very simple and easy to resolve in your part of the world. Declare all those who don’t eat onion as a minority and announce them job reservations. Onion demand and prices will go down the next day, and your opposition will be forced to retreat. May Guruji’s blessings be with you and the presidential pets.

Ok children, time for Guruji to take leave, he promises to meet you again at same place, same time unless he finds something better to do. Till then may his blessings be with you all(excluding those engaged in bursting noisy crackers after midnight in his neighborhood)

Guruji's Column - Part 18

Ladies, Gentlemen and PM-aspirants,

We are glad to announce that Guruji has kindly agreed to spare an hour with you this weekend in spite of his busy weekend schedule chasing the rats out of his car hood. He has arrived on the dais, let us get started.

[Q] Juhi asks - Guruji, many researchers say that women got better multi-tasking skills than men. Why?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, this is true and can mainly be attributed to the division of labour existed between the two genders in the initial days of humanity. Ancient men were focusing single-mindedly on killing wild boars while women had to cook, rear kids and watch their rear from bear attacks simultaneously. Even in the modern day life, things didn’t change much. Manicuring while making sure the banana-egg yolk facial mask doesn't fall-off when you are microwaving yesterday's curry for lunch and also parallely sharing postnatal weight gain concerns with your friend over phone, all these when counting the number of pressure-cooker whistles is a job that demands tremendous multi-tasking skills while changing the channels on a remote doesn’t demand not only multi-tasking, but no particular skills at all.

[Q] Aishwarya asks - Guruji, what is the difference between a brand ambassador and a model ?

[A] Guruji - Dear Aishwarya, it is the same between a mistress and a hooker, tenure and commitment levels differ slightly, though the service done is same.

[Q] Max asks - Your Holiness, you take vibhuti out of thin air and distribute during your darshans. Now that prices are shooting up, can you fetch us some onions instead this season?

[A] Guruji - Son, one must understand that a spiritual guru will not and shall not use his powers to fulfill his disciples’ material desires. Vibhuti or sacred-ash is something spiritualistic, something holy that is food for one’s soul and not for the physical body. Hence Guruji may be using his powers to fetch vibhuti out of cosmic space but will not for fetching onions or petrol. Moreover, holding a kilo of onion will make his holy armpits smelly and heavy compared to a few grams of vibhuti.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, how do you compare deep religious faith and religious fundamentalism?

[A] Guruji - He would compare them like a cracker maker and a bomb manufacturer - Though the basic ingredients used are same, the former only uses them to pollute the environment with some sound and smoke while the latter uses them to blow-off your bottom.

[Q] Ram asks - Your Holiness,  you have done many eternal travels and have been to heaven and hell multiple times. What is the  main difference between life in both these places?

[A] Guruji - Son, the only difference is that in hell banks levy interest on loans and pay interest on savings while in heaven it is the other way.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, are you saying that life on earth is same as in hell?

[A] Guruji - No son, there is one big difference, out there you don’t have to elect someone to eat your own tax money as you are already dead.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now. We shall meet again next week unless the cholesterol gods doesn’t demand Guruji to leave his current incarnation and take birth as a wild boar .

Guruji's Column - Part 17

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples of all spiritual gurus,

Guruji is back in his Ashram, he will address your concerns now, let us get started.

[Q] Mahesh asks  - Your Holiness, a recent global survey says India has more slaves than any other parts of the world. What does it indicate?

[A] Guruji - Mahesh, it indicates that we have a bigger voting population than other parts of the world.

[Q] Anonymous asks from Mumbail - Guru, I have spent 12 years in jail for cheating my investors, and have now came out. Now I am a changed individual and want to do something good for the society. Can you please advise me?

[A] Guruji - Son, If you want to do something good for the society, Guruji advise you to take up social service by joining a political party or religious group. This way you will soon get to go back to the jail and that will be the best thing you can do to the society - to stay away from it.

[Q] Sam asks  - Mr. Guruji, recently a spiritual guru had a vision that there is gold underneath a temple and archaeology department is now digging there. Were you ever had such dreams?

[A] Guruji - No son, but he will soon have one, when his paddy fields are coming up for plowing.

[Q] Aruna asks - Guruji, more and more men are turning to getting a ‘face-lift’ with cosmetic surgeries, fairness creams etc. Does that indicate a changing male mindset?

[A] Guruji - No Aruna, it only indicates that men are a lot dumber than you originally thought.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, you were not in Ashram last week and hasn’t given us darshan. Were you on a pilgrimage ?

[A] Guruji - No son, he was on a mission to help an aspirant politician who is an ardent disciple of his, to teach him facial yoga techniques to bring more innocence to his otherwise woolfy face, as elections are on the way in his part of the world. However Guruji has failed in this mission and has now sought some direct divine intervention to help him.

[Q] Juhi asks from Juhu - Guruji, why they say diamonds are women's best friends?

[A] Guruji - Juhi, that’s because 'they' are into diamond business.

[Q] Anamika asks - Guruji, I recently broke with my boy friend over a petty fight. Now I repent it and want to get back to him. What is your advice to me?

[A] Guruji - Anamika dear, Guruji’s advise to you is not to use this spiritual forum as an alternative to your kinky, stupid tabloid q&a columns.

[Q] Prem asks - Guruji, right-wing extremism or left-wing extremism more desirable for a society like ours?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a society like ours, water closets for everybody is more desirable.

Ok children, Guruji has to leave now as he is feeling lazy on a cool sunday morning to operate the computer any further. See you all next week if his Bangalore airport taxi rides this week don’t take him to the heavens.

Guruji's Column - Part 16

Ladies, Gentlemen and Disciples,

Guruji is here with you, do get started with your questions and concerns.

[Q] Saleem asks - Guruji, what keeps you motivated?

[A] Guruji - Son, it’s his deep faith, his belief, his optimism that keeps Guruji motivated to continue with his karma - his faith that one day god will take birth on earth and save mankind from all our perils and agonies by eliminating poverty, inequality and Bangalore motor-bikers.

[Q] Ram asks - Guruji, for a layman, what is the difference between an astronomy and astrology?

[A] Guruji - It is the same between a dentist and a tooth fairy for a person with dental caries.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Gurudev, I am a successful businessman and also an ardent follower of yours, if your holiness recollect I wiped your holy bottom the maximum during the last looseness season. My problem is, on my way to success and richness, I did many wrong doings, I have bribed many officials to get things done my way, evaded tax, illegally mined raw materials, encroached public land and what not. But now I repent about it and fear about what punishment awaits me when I die?

[A] Guruji - Son, don't worry, continue doing the good deeds you mentioned, especially the wiping part, you may extend it to other needy people such as godmen and politicians too. And as a reward for your services, Guruji shall recommend you posthumously for the post of chairman of Board of Control for Cricket in Hell.

[Q] Amruta asks - Your Holiness, A colleague recently told me that she is 'spiritual but not religious' . What does it mean?

[A] Guruji - Amruta, it means she is drunk but not zonked.

[Q] Kumar asks - Guruji, whenever a movie or a painting or a caricature is published with religious figures being the subject, there will be some or other group coming out demanding “this should be banned because it hurts religious sentiments”. What exactly is religious “sentiments”, why does it get hurt so fast?

[A] Guruji - Kumar, in a deeply religious society like ours, religious sentiment is something almost inborn in every one of us, just like how rhinos have their - ok, let us not talk about rhinos as it might hurt someone's religious sentiments somewhere - bulls have their balls. So you can see that the bull will bellow when someone hurt it’s vitals. 

[Q] Kumar asks - ..but Guruji, my question was about religious sentiments and not bull-vitals..

[A] Guruji - Son, the membrane between them is very thin.

[Q] Chottu asks- Guruji uncle, chicken or egg, which came first and why?

[A] Guruji - Dear Chottu, it's chicken that came first, because egg took time to boil, cool and peel.

[Q] Max asks - Guruji, even today there are a lot of people who can be fooled with magic-healing and things like that. Who should be held responsible for misleading people in this fashion ? Religions? Spiritual leaders? Politicians? education system?

[A] Guruji - Max son, the one person responsible for all this is mother nature, as she couldn’t keep up with the promise of evolution of human brain.

- End -

Guruji's Column - Part 15

Hello Children,

Guruji has arrived on the dais, he will answer your questions now,

[Q] Urmila asks - Guruji, recently a spiritual leader said that if a woman address her rapist “Bhaiya” he will spare her. Is this true?

[A] Guruji - Of course Urmila dear, with such an emotional plea, any rapist will be forced to spare the girl if she do so, only thing she needs to ensure alongside is to grapple his nutsack such that his bhaiyahood spills out. And by ‘his’ Guruji mean the rapist’s or the spiritual leader’s if they are the same.

[Q] Sarala asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, Indian made children’s cartoons are becoming popular these days. I think they will help teaching our kids about true Indian values and virtues. What do you think?

[A] Guruji - He is thinking since when is plagiarism considered a virtue?

[Q] Anita asks from Allahabad - Your holiness, I am a homemaker and during my leisure time I like watching TV. Is it a sin watching TV ?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Anita, not at all. Watching TV is not a sin, if it gives you some relaxation. Switching it on is a cardinal sin though, chances are that you will be reborn a langur.

[Q] Tarun asks - Guruji, I am in love with a girl in my office, I have tried many ways to impress her including (but not limited to) cracking jokes in her presence, singing in the annual day, having Justin Bieber hairdo and stuff like that. But none of them seems to have worked so far. Can you please read her mind with your powers and let me know what I should do to win her heart ?

[A] Guruji - Son, without even reading her mind, Guruji can tell you that the girl thinks the stuff you have done - especially the hairdo part - are worse than a male hippo’s courtship behaviour. Guruji advises you to register with MoronMatrimony.com and wait for a girl of your cast and creed to come through.

[Q] Biplab asks from Kolkata - Guruji, why do most Indian spiritual gurus wear a ‘bindi’ on the forehead like women?

[A] Guruji - Son, for a woman, a bindi is considered a thing of beauty. We spiritual gurus are under no such hallucination that it can make us look beautiful, except when we are smoking pot we mean. We wear it to mark the blind spot in our frontal lobe.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, you claims to be possessing a lot of supernatural powers such as levitation capabilities. What stops you from performing it in public to demonstrate your powers then ?

[A] Guruji - Gravity.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he has to lent his holy bottom to a prime minister-in-waiting waiting to pay homage to it.

Guruji's Column - Part 14

Ladies, gentlemen and Guruji’s disciples,

Guruji has kindly set aside an hour of his otherwise busy - he mean binge - weekend for you, so let us get started.

[Q] Padma asks from Chennai - Guruji, recently an Indian-origin girl won Miss USA title. Do you see a changing world order on the way here?

[A] Guruji - No Padma, instead he see a handful of Bollywood flops on the way.

[Q]  Saleem asks Salem -  Guruji,  most religions promote Creationism, but science teaches us the theory of Evolution.  Which is correct?

[A] Guruji - Son,  both the theories are talking about the origin of man ( Let's talk about women in another more private a forum). The only difference between these two theories is on whether we evolved from god or monkeys. Behavioural studies show that the monkey theory is correct. But the most important thing here is that we evolved from somewhere and did not fell of the sky one day, like the BJP spokeswomen in TV.

[Q] Sunil asks - How come we Indians never did any groundbreaking inventions like Westerners or Japanese?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is because we are the only people who realized the value of unbroken ground in real-estate market.

[Q] Chottu asks from Chota Nagar  - Guruji, why do Congress leaders prefer to wear khadi?

[A] Guruji - For the same reason why supermodels wear high-heels; they think it makes them look more sexy.

[Q] Sam asks - Mr.Guruji, what is the difference between spirituality business and other businesses?

[A] Guruji - Sam son, in other businesses it is ethical to be unethical while here it is unethical to be ethical.

[Q] Smitha asks - Guruji, I am a 22 year old P.G student, one of our neighborhood uncles is trying to be friendly with me of late. I somehow feel his intentions are not all that good. But I’m not sure. Can you use your spiritual powers and find out whether his objectives are wicked or not?

[A] Guruji -  Dear Smitha, you need no spiritual powers here, just offer him a scooter ride one day, his ununcleness will come out in some form or another. And don't forget to offer him a good elbow as well in that case, to mark your respect to the erstwhile uncle. 

[Q] Juhi from Juhu asks - Guruji, both men and women eat the same kind of food, yet men are physically stronger than women. Why ?

[A] Guruji - Juhi dear, this happens because of one big difference in their eating habits - Men like to eat and will, while women like to eat, but won't. 

- End -

Guruji's Column - Part 13

Hello Children,

Guruji has very less time today as he has a bookshelf to clean off, of a few centuries of dust. Let’s get started quickly.

[Q] Amrita asks from Maharashtra - Mahatma, I need your advice as a yoga guru. I am only 35 and my hair is graying. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Allow it to.

[Q] Amrita asks from Mumbai - But Mahatma, I want to look ..

[A] Guruji - Next question please..

[Q] Amrita asks from Bandra West - Mr.Guruji, you are being rude to a wom..

[A] Guruji - Dear Amrita, Guruji is not only a sage, but also sane. Don't try to defy time, use it for better things like gardening, gossiping etc.

[Q] Gopal asks - Gurudev, you are a yugpurush, have seen many centuries. Was Kalidasa originally a fool who cut the branch he was sitting on?

[A] Guruji - Son, that is just a myth. However, the credit of “cutting the branch he was sitting on” can be attributed to another wise man, his name is Gregor Mendel.

[Q] Savita asks from Kolhapur - Gurudev, my mother in law thinks my star sign is not good,else my husband would have won lottery after marrying me. Is it correct? Do celestial bodies influence personalities?

[A] Guruji - Savita dear, of course celestial bodies impact human lives in a big way as our ancient gurus and astrologers taught us. In your very case, lunar influence answers your lunatic mother-in-law.

[Q] Leela asks from Sunnyvale -  Guruji, my husband works as a software professional.  Of late, he wakes up at night and screams 'startup!'. I interprets it as a call for ..you know what..and start preparing, but then realize he has gone back to sleep again. Why does he do it? Should I consult a psychiatrist?

[A] Guruji - Leela, you may consult a psychiatrist if he/she happens to be a good plumber as well, to get your damaged wc flush repaired. Nothing to worry about your husband, his is a simple problem (than a broken flush), found commonly among middle-aged software professionals. Some people call it “mid-life crisis” etc, caused by a combination of greed and peer-pressure. He will be alright after a while when he see his entrepreneur friends returning to work after going bankrupt.

[Q] Karan asks from Karanpur - Guruji, I have recently watched a Bollywood movie in which there is a song which goes “Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..Aaja Maamla Set Kar Ley..”. What is the maamala and how should I go about settling it?

[A] Guruji - Karan son, to settle it Guruji would advise you to go meet a good mechanic, to find out which nut of yours has gone loose, making you watch such movies.

Ok children, Guruji got to go now, may his blessings and sneezings be with you all while he clean the cupboard.

Guruji's Column - Part 12

Ladies, Gentlemen and disciples,

Though Guruji is on a pilgrimage to the holy islands of The Bahamas, where he launder his holy vestments and investments, he has kindly set aside an hour during the flight for his pupil, here are his answers to your doubts and concerns.

[Q] Anonymous asks - Swami, I am an ardent follower of yours, also the finance minister of a third world country. Recently the value of our currency started falling badly. Though I and my government issued assurances that it’s only the currency value that has fallen, people could still use coins, cheques or credit cards, the stupid opposition is demanding my resignation. What should I do now? Please advise.

[A] Guruji - Makane Anonymous, tell your opposition that a country where there is no value for human life itself, value of the currency is not a big deal. They will understand.

[Q] Prof. Sharma asks from Kanpur - Gurudev, One more Teacher’s Day went by. We teachers are doing one of the most important jobs in the world - of creating tomorrow’s engineers, doctors and scientists. Yet some other mediocre professionals like movie actors are paid far higher than us. What do you as a philosopher deduce from this anomaly ?

[A] Guruji - Guruji deduce from this that jealousy is a disease incurable.

Q. Sam asks - Mr. Guruji, there are allegations(see here) that you are a fake spiritual guru. What do you have to say about this?

[A] Guruji - Son Sam, this is absolutely baseless. There are no real or fake spiritual gurus, there are only spiritual gurus.

[Q] Nilima asks Noida - Guruji, ours is a small middle class family of four. My husband now wants to buy a pricey SUV for no reason. We already have a small car and moreover a mortgage to deal with. How I can persuade him to not buy this SUV?

[A] Guruji - Dear Nilima, for a man, his car is a treasured commodity, like a bone for a dog or a nut for a squirrel. It is something that will keeps him motivated, thrilled and bemused. Hence it will be a daunting task persuade him. Here are two ways you can do it - One, by statistically(and logically) proving how uneconomical and inessential it is for you at the moment, especially in the wake of mortgage, rising fuel prices, tax hikes, garage space constraints, small family size, lack of off-roading needs etc. This may not workout as arguing logically with a man is like escorting a woman to shopping; frustrating, futile and waste of time. Hence the option for you is to trap him in an emotional-atyachar scenario using your spousal powers, by reminding him of few forthcoming obligations such as daughter’s wedding, grocery shopping etc.

[Q] Pia asks from Mumbai - Guruji, lately many of your fellow spiritual leaders and gurus are caught for rape, torture and similar offences. What is your explanation for this?

[A] Guruji - ..that every society gets the leaders they deserve.

[Q] Ahalya asks from Ahmedabad - Guruji, my problem is my teenage daughter. She has no interest in her studies or any extra curricular activities. All the time she wants to spend chatting on the internet or mobile phone and polishing her nails. In short my daughter is growing up as a good-for-nothing person. What should I do?

[A] Guruji - Send her to Bollywood.

Ok children, time has come for Guruji to leave, he will meet you right here, same time next week, if he hasn’t been knocked down by a state transport bus that is.

Guruji's Column - Part 11

Guruji's disciples, ladies and gentlemen,

Guruji is here with you now, as none of his molestation, land grabbing, cheating cases are up for hearing today. Let us get started.

[Q] Gurpreet from Patiala asks - Guruji, they say men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Is it true? if not where are they from?

[A] Guruji - Gurpreet, this is just a metaphor used by some authors to depict the psychological differences between men and women. In real life this is not true. The truth is that men are from sales and women are from marketing.

[Q] Shaila asks from Mysore - Guruji, we are constructing  a new house soon. Where should it be facing?

[A] Guruji - Shaila, it should be soon facing sand shortage.

[Q] Mathew asks from Bangalore - Guruji, what is the difference between a hooch and a microbrewery?

[A] Guruji -  Mathew, only that the latter tear your pocket but spare your eyesight.

[Q] Keerthi asks from Singapore - Your Holiness, I am a 28 yr old, good-looking, successful, single, HR professional. My problem is that all my male colleagues are nuts who are trying to flirt with me by greeting me or smiling at me when meeting face to face. What should I do in this situation?

[A] Guruji - Keerthi dear, if someone known to you greet you or smile at you, it shouldn’t be interpreted as flirting - unless both of the above are followed by a wink, an attempted physical contact or the guy is a middle-aged frastru. Biologically, a normal man hanker for a woman when his brain recognizes her as someone who can bear his offsprings. Guruji assure you that your male colleagues are not trying to flirt with you but just trying to be cordial, because none of them - unless they are real nuts  - want to have you with this kind of a haughty, egoistic attitude bare their children.

[Q] Kumar asks - Your Holiness, I just came to know that my fiancé is a karate expert when she demonstrated a knife-hand strike to me. Can you read her mind and tell me what she meant by this demo please?

[A] Guruji -  Son, as he mentioned in this space before, Guruji will not use his extrasensory powers to infringe into somebody’s privacy, unless of course it gives him sensual or monetary satisfactions. But he will spare some of his commonsensical powers here to help you; she was giving you a sneak preview; into the times ahead. 

[Q] Sanjay asks from Hyderabad - Guruji, I am a sales executive in a multi-national company. My problem is my numskull supervisor. He thinks I don’t provide him any information timely and constantly harass me on this in review meetings. I am highly demotivated to work now, what should I do?

[A] Guruji - Son, managers feel their subordinates are withholding information from them when they are not copied in the e-mails exchanged with customers. So hereafter, always forward any e-mails exchanged with your customers to your manager as well, with a note - “F.Y.I”, managers (globally) think this stands for “For Your Information”, but the real expansion of it is - “F#&k You Idiot”. Guruji guarantee that you will become such a motivated person that you will wait for an opportunity to keep your manager “informed” and thus happy.

Ok children, Guruji got to leave now, as he is shifting his ashram to another city for few months because of his decreasing number of disciples and increasing number of creditors here. However he will continue to converse with you as he is omnipresent, wherever there is data network he mean.